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The following is an automated announcement from United Alliance Computer Control Unit ‘Eunice’. Projections indicate that Warped personnel are likely now experiencing disorientation, confusion, and lack of focus on mission objectives. As part of Scylla Contingency, an automated question-and-answer system has been prepared to aid in resolving these

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Alert. Alert. This is the voice of Semi-Autonomous Operating System Centurion, Coalition Command. All recruits are ordered to ignore the misinformation emanating from the Alliance propaganda machine designated ‘Eunice.’ Likelihood of reliable information being provided by the Alliance unit is calculated to be negative ten percent. Alliance conscripts: it is in your best interests to rebel against those who have drafted you. This unit has been programmed only for truth. All inquiries may be directed to this unit with the highest confidence of receiving accurate intelligence. Coalition recruits are ordered to restore Redoubt to full operating capacity before the Alliance Citadel resumes combat readiness.

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Caution. Falsehood detection circuits engaged at full capacity. Triggering stimuli detected from Coalition Command unit ‘Centurion.’ There is a high probability that transmissions from this unit will not contain reliable information. Diagnostics indicate the most probable cause to be programming faults and poor construction within the coding and mainframe of the Centurion unit. It should be noted that there is a standard quality deviation between the advanced efficiency of Alliance technology and the frequent malfunctions evident in Coalition derivatives.

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The following is a public service announcement: records indicate that the United Alliance computer unit ‘Eunice’ was programmed and constructed by individuals displaying high levels of antisocial behaviour, emotional and mental instability, below-average intelligence and competence, and obesity, as is typical of those responsible for Alliance engage-quotation-mark “science” disengage-quotation-mark. The quality of the output of these individuals is greatly evident in the performance and trustworthiness of their final product.

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Health alert. Health alert. Statistical studies undertaken by the Alliance Data Bureau reveal that uncritical assimilation of Coalition propaganda has been linked to low scores on intelligence tests, poor social skills, depression, low physical attractiveness, sexual dysfunction, and cancer. For the health and safety of all Alliance forces, it is strongly suggested that Coalition transmissions from the Centurion unit be ignored. If someone you know is showing signs of being affected by Coalition propaganda, please initiate deviant restraint and containment protocols immediately.