rambling of my mind in a very unorganized manner
Uh.. I put this under a cut to save everything the long naggings of my brain. If you don't want to read you dont have to. But there are fun lyrics from Jekyll and Hyde for you to entertain yourself with.
Why do I have to dwell on the negative all the time? Why can't I look to the positive? Why can't I look for a brighter tomorrow, instead of all the waves and storms to come? Can't I be a happy go lucky person? A person who notices and is grateful for all the good in her life? I mean, hell I am very grateful.. its just that I don't tend to reflect on that too much. I have a good family who supports me *usually* and gives me all that I need... I'm going toward all of my goals in life... I work with amazing people and kids everyday... I have an amazing boyfriend who supports me and my decisions 100%... and so much more.. and yet I see negative things. Like the fact that, whether I did it to myself or not.. Jackass is right... I hurt the people around me by pushing them away and betraying them. No matter how wrong he has been before.. he's right about that. I gear myself up for being left alone and then I make it happen. I did that to him, chris, erin, and now madison. why if I don't want to be alone.. I make myself be alone? I mean even now I'm thinking of not going ot see Meaghan tomorrow... not wanting to see JJ tonight *even though I probably will..* and just wanting to cry. He seems to be on target for about everything... I am a pretty damn rotten person aren't I. I'll hurt everyone around me to gain what I want in life. I put school and work and my relationship before my friends and I can't beleive I'm doing that. Its kind of funny I feel like I take 3 steps forward and about 10 back all the time anymore... and I want to cut but I wont. I know I wont. I don't have it in me to cut anymore I don't think. And if I do.. it'll either be nothing or a nice bad one. ugh! i hate thinking like this. i hate being like this. i hate letting people get to me like this. i hate treating people like this. i hate myself. yeah i think thats the root to all of this. i hate myself. not like thats news or anything... but i do. my mom always tells me you can only let people get to you if you let them... well i let them because what does it matter if i already hate myself? its kind of funny.. we're studying people like me in my soc class and my psych class and supposedly theres treatment for people like me and people who think like me... but i dont see of anything helping me. i'm a lost cause. ive known that for quite awhile.. jackass just reiterated the point. why do we all give him such power? my, chris, madison, erin, jess... why do we do it? just to get hurt by him time and time again and relive it a lot? or is there another reason? i don't get it. how'd he get this power over me? i never willingly give anyone any type of power over me.. so how did he get it? why do i let his words affect me so much? i hate it. i hate him. i hate me. i just want to start everything over and erase a lot, keep a lot.. and make things better but i know thats not possible. *sigh* i think i kind of scared my mom when she asked if there was anything she could do for me "hand me a loaded gun" was my response.. but she didnt like that..so then i asked for a noose. *shrug* i didnt see anything wrong with it..but thats just me. I feel so effin stupid right now. I just want.. hell I don't know what I want. I told someone before that maybe everthing is how its supposed to be and maybe that why I'm so confused. And perhaps thats true. Maybe I am supposed to end up like this. Dazed and confused in my own muddled mind... unable to see through the thick fog and allowing words to haunt me forever. i mean i already do that dont i? with my father and things other poeple have said what i was younger. i let them follow me around and haunt the shadows of my mind. always reminding me that they are there in little ways. meaghan calls this the parasite, a creature using me as its host. ive started to call it a part of me. cause thats what it is. it will never leave. it will never release its grip. its here permamently. always apart of me. if it dies, i die too.. if i die, it'll live on forever. kind of like jekyll and hyde. if i die itll take over me and live through me. but if it dies i'll die because its bound to me forever. good and evil. good can't survive without evil, but evil can survive without good. *sigh* meh i have an hour before i meet up with madison..and talk. and i wanted to talk but now i'm not so sure. she wants to talk..but i dont know if ill be any good to her. i worry about her cause i feel like i'm hurting her all the time anymore. which who knows i probably am. and i should be hearing from J in the next hour. but not anytime before 8 which kind of sucks. i want to be with someone now. not just bullshitting in my live journal about nonsense in my messed up mind. so i think i'm going to go clean my room and look up stuff for my papers that i need to start writing this weekend without a doubt. cause if i don't i'm going ot fail out of school and then where would that leave me? alone and without a goal in sight. what fun. yeah i'm going to go before i depress anyone anymore. or myself. cause i dont think anyone reads this anyway.
bye.
JEKYLL:
All that you are
Is a face in the mirror!
I close my eyes and you'll disappear!
HYDE:
I'm what you face
When you face in the mirror!
Long as you live, I will still be here!
JEKYLL:
All that you are
Is the end of a nightmare!
All that you are is a dying scream!
After tonight,
I shall end this demon dream!
HYDE:
This is not a dream, my friend -
And it will never end!
This one is the nightmare that goes on!
Hyde is here to stay,
No matter what you may pretend -
And I'll flourish, long after you're gone!
JEKYLL:
Soon you will die,
And my silence will hide you!
You cannot choose but to lose control.
HYDE:
You can't control me!
I live deep inside you!
Each day you'll feel me devour your soul!
JEKYLL:
I don't need to survive,
As you need me!
I'll become whole
As you dance with death!
And I'll rejoice
As you breathe your final breath!
HYDE:
I'll live inside you forever!
JEKYLL:
No!
HYDE:
With Satan himself by my side!
JEKYLL:
No!
HYDE:
And I know that, now and forever,
They'll never be able to separate
Jekyll from Hyde!
JEKYLL:
Can't you see
It's over now?
It's time to die!
HYDE:
No, not I!
Only you!
JEKYLL:
If I die,
You die, too!
HYDE:
You'll die in me
I'll be you!
JEKYLL:
Damn you, Hyde!
Set me free!
HYDE:
Can't you see
You are me?
JEKYLL:
No!
Deep inside-!
HYDE:
I am you!
You are Hyde!
JEKYLL:
No - Never!
HYDE:
Yes, forever!
Why do I have to dwell on the negative all the time? Why can't I look to the positive? Why can't I look for a brighter tomorrow, instead of all the waves and storms to come? Can't I be a happy go lucky person? A person who notices and is grateful for all the good in her life? I mean, hell I am very grateful.. its just that I don't tend to reflect on that too much. I have a good family who supports me *usually* and gives me all that I need... I'm going toward all of my goals in life... I work with amazing people and kids everyday... I have an amazing boyfriend who supports me and my decisions 100%... and so much more.. and yet I see negative things. Like the fact that, whether I did it to myself or not.. Jackass is right... I hurt the people around me by pushing them away and betraying them. No matter how wrong he has been before.. he's right about that. I gear myself up for being left alone and then I make it happen. I did that to him, chris, erin, and now madison. why if I don't want to be alone.. I make myself be alone? I mean even now I'm thinking of not going ot see Meaghan tomorrow... not wanting to see JJ tonight *even though I probably will..* and just wanting to cry. He seems to be on target for about everything... I am a pretty damn rotten person aren't I. I'll hurt everyone around me to gain what I want in life. I put school and work and my relationship before my friends and I can't beleive I'm doing that. Its kind of funny I feel like I take 3 steps forward and about 10 back all the time anymore... and I want to cut but I wont. I know I wont. I don't have it in me to cut anymore I don't think. And if I do.. it'll either be nothing or a nice bad one. ugh! i hate thinking like this. i hate being like this. i hate letting people get to me like this. i hate treating people like this. i hate myself. yeah i think thats the root to all of this. i hate myself. not like thats news or anything... but i do. my mom always tells me you can only let people get to you if you let them... well i let them because what does it matter if i already hate myself? its kind of funny.. we're studying people like me in my soc class and my psych class and supposedly theres treatment for people like me and people who think like me... but i dont see of anything helping me. i'm a lost cause. ive known that for quite awhile.. jackass just reiterated the point. why do we all give him such power? my, chris, madison, erin, jess... why do we do it? just to get hurt by him time and time again and relive it a lot? or is there another reason? i don't get it. how'd he get this power over me? i never willingly give anyone any type of power over me.. so how did he get it? why do i let his words affect me so much? i hate it. i hate him. i hate me. i just want to start everything over and erase a lot, keep a lot.. and make things better but i know thats not possible. *sigh* i think i kind of scared my mom when she asked if there was anything she could do for me "hand me a loaded gun" was my response.. but she didnt like that..so then i asked for a noose. *shrug* i didnt see anything wrong with it..but thats just me. I feel so effin stupid right now. I just want.. hell I don't know what I want. I told someone before that maybe everthing is how its supposed to be and maybe that why I'm so confused. And perhaps thats true. Maybe I am supposed to end up like this. Dazed and confused in my own muddled mind... unable to see through the thick fog and allowing words to haunt me forever. i mean i already do that dont i? with my father and things other poeple have said what i was younger. i let them follow me around and haunt the shadows of my mind. always reminding me that they are there in little ways. meaghan calls this the parasite, a creature using me as its host. ive started to call it a part of me. cause thats what it is. it will never leave. it will never release its grip. its here permamently. always apart of me. if it dies, i die too.. if i die, it'll live on forever. kind of like jekyll and hyde. if i die itll take over me and live through me. but if it dies i'll die because its bound to me forever. good and evil. good can't survive without evil, but evil can survive without good. *sigh* meh i have an hour before i meet up with madison..and talk. and i wanted to talk but now i'm not so sure. she wants to talk..but i dont know if ill be any good to her. i worry about her cause i feel like i'm hurting her all the time anymore. which who knows i probably am. and i should be hearing from J in the next hour. but not anytime before 8 which kind of sucks. i want to be with someone now. not just bullshitting in my live journal about nonsense in my messed up mind. so i think i'm going to go clean my room and look up stuff for my papers that i need to start writing this weekend without a doubt. cause if i don't i'm going ot fail out of school and then where would that leave me? alone and without a goal in sight. what fun. yeah i'm going to go before i depress anyone anymore. or myself. cause i dont think anyone reads this anyway.
bye.
JEKYLL:
All that you are
Is a face in the mirror!
I close my eyes and you'll disappear!
HYDE:
I'm what you face
When you face in the mirror!
Long as you live, I will still be here!
JEKYLL:
All that you are
Is the end of a nightmare!
All that you are is a dying scream!
After tonight,
I shall end this demon dream!
HYDE:
This is not a dream, my friend -
And it will never end!
This one is the nightmare that goes on!
Hyde is here to stay,
No matter what you may pretend -
And I'll flourish, long after you're gone!
JEKYLL:
Soon you will die,
And my silence will hide you!
You cannot choose but to lose control.
HYDE:
You can't control me!
I live deep inside you!
Each day you'll feel me devour your soul!
JEKYLL:
I don't need to survive,
As you need me!
I'll become whole
As you dance with death!
And I'll rejoice
As you breathe your final breath!
HYDE:
I'll live inside you forever!
JEKYLL:
No!
HYDE:
With Satan himself by my side!
JEKYLL:
No!
HYDE:
And I know that, now and forever,
They'll never be able to separate
Jekyll from Hyde!
JEKYLL:
Can't you see
It's over now?
It's time to die!
HYDE:
No, not I!
Only you!
JEKYLL:
If I die,
You die, too!
HYDE:
You'll die in me
I'll be you!
JEKYLL:
Damn you, Hyde!
Set me free!
HYDE:
Can't you see
You are me?
JEKYLL:
No!
Deep inside-!
HYDE:
I am you!
You are Hyde!
JEKYLL:
No - Never!
HYDE:
Yes, forever!