1/1/11
Happy New Year!! The majority of posts I've seen have been beyond happy to get rid of 2010 and bring on 2011. I hate that the last year was so bad for everyone but man, do I hope we have some good coming to make up for it.
I couldn't have said it better than ragingpixie so I'm not going to try:
My resolution last year was a selfish one - to give myself grace. It was fitting considering I had no idea how much grace I would end up needing. When I had the second miscarriage last year I let myself grieve, I let myself be sad but I picked myself up and joined the world again. I dug my heels in the sand (seriously, my peace was going to the beach every Friday) I loved on my little boy and I forced myself to keep going. I stayed afloat but I didn't really live. Sure, I lived in the past with the "why me's" and the future with the "when is it going to happen for us?!" All the while friends around me were getting pregnant at the drop of a hat. I lived in so much bitterness and anger I could barely see straight. I know that some of it was necessary and feelings are there to be felt but there is such a thing as too much and that's where I stayed.
My resolution this year is to LIVE IN THE NOW. Whether we have another baby or not there's nothing I can do about that. I will not relive the horrors of the last two years, I will not 'what if' myself to death when/if we get pregnant again. I will live everyday for what it is: another day with my incredible 5 year old and my kick ass husband. I realized that I will never get Griffin's 4th year back. I was a good mom, but so much of it was spent looking ahead or behind me. I don't want to do that anymore.
When Griffin got a big boy bed years ago, naturally we moved his crib into the guest bedroom since we were planning on having more babies. Over the years that room has become a baby catch-all. Every time Griff would outgrow a toy/clothes/etc it would inevitably end up in said room. When I got pregnant again I got the maternity clothes out, went through a few of Griffin's old things and straightened the room. We even started calling it the nursery. When I lost the baby the door on the room closed. Since the miscarriages I don't go in that room. My friends started referring to at as "the Room" with an implied capital R in their tone. It's a complete and utter mess which I was not ready to tackle, very much like my feelings and thoughts on the situation surrounding it.
A few days ago I realized how mad I was at that room and what I had allowed it to represent. I just wanted to clean it up and start fresh. New Year's Eve I realized I HAD to do it, that day. I was not going to start 2011 with that room a wreck. I was not helping my misery any further along. Completely tackling that room was my first act of 2011 and I couldn't be more excited about it. Not because I think we'll use it this year but because I don't want the fucking baggage in my life any longer. I want to live, mess free, starting immediately.
Happy 2011, y'all. May it be your best year ever.
I couldn't have said it better than ragingpixie so I'm not going to try:
My resolution last year was a selfish one - to give myself grace. It was fitting considering I had no idea how much grace I would end up needing. When I had the second miscarriage last year I let myself grieve, I let myself be sad but I picked myself up and joined the world again. I dug my heels in the sand (seriously, my peace was going to the beach every Friday) I loved on my little boy and I forced myself to keep going. I stayed afloat but I didn't really live. Sure, I lived in the past with the "why me's" and the future with the "when is it going to happen for us?!" All the while friends around me were getting pregnant at the drop of a hat. I lived in so much bitterness and anger I could barely see straight. I know that some of it was necessary and feelings are there to be felt but there is such a thing as too much and that's where I stayed.
My resolution this year is to LIVE IN THE NOW. Whether we have another baby or not there's nothing I can do about that. I will not relive the horrors of the last two years, I will not 'what if' myself to death when/if we get pregnant again. I will live everyday for what it is: another day with my incredible 5 year old and my kick ass husband. I realized that I will never get Griffin's 4th year back. I was a good mom, but so much of it was spent looking ahead or behind me. I don't want to do that anymore.
When Griffin got a big boy bed years ago, naturally we moved his crib into the guest bedroom since we were planning on having more babies. Over the years that room has become a baby catch-all. Every time Griff would outgrow a toy/clothes/etc it would inevitably end up in said room. When I got pregnant again I got the maternity clothes out, went through a few of Griffin's old things and straightened the room. We even started calling it the nursery. When I lost the baby the door on the room closed. Since the miscarriages I don't go in that room. My friends started referring to at as "the Room" with an implied capital R in their tone. It's a complete and utter mess which I was not ready to tackle, very much like my feelings and thoughts on the situation surrounding it.
A few days ago I realized how mad I was at that room and what I had allowed it to represent. I just wanted to clean it up and start fresh. New Year's Eve I realized I HAD to do it, that day. I was not going to start 2011 with that room a wreck. I was not helping my misery any further along. Completely tackling that room was my first act of 2011 and I couldn't be more excited about it. Not because I think we'll use it this year but because I don't want the fucking baggage in my life any longer. I want to live, mess free, starting immediately.
Happy 2011, y'all. May it be your best year ever.