On my dad...
A little backstory before I begin. When my dad and step-mom dated, I hated it. Hated. I wanted them to break up so badly, and I know my step-sister did, too. I was a little shit, a right shit. But I was a teen.
Fast-forward to 17 years and my sister and I are very close. As you can see that I call her sister now. Her son is like my son, James and I sent him a DS just because the boy needs games! My step-mom and I are fine, we're not as close as her and her daughter, but that's to be expected when I was 15 when I came into her life. But she is the kindest woman I have ever known.
My dad, on the other hand, maybe will always see me as warring with them? I don't know. I do know that he hangs out with my sister way more often than he does with me. Which is fine. I've been 7+ hours away for 3 or 4 years now. But I would wish he would show he cares in other ways. For sure he tries, sometimes. Like, we will Skype TV shows together. That is, unless he's not playing with the grandbaby. Kinda tired of waiting 4 days to watch the Walking Dead, only to get spoiled. But, I think he's so focused on treating the kids equal, that I end up getting left out.
For example, like I said my sister and her mom are close. Expected. So that when my sister needs anything, she gets it. I remember asking my dad once, how she and he husband could afford such a nice house. He told me that her husband works hard to provide for them. OK. Well, then James got a teaching job at a college 4 years ago, and I was still puzzled as to why we're not even close to a house... (my brother-in-law works in a factory, IDK, maybe those are close to $100K a year job. Teachers make crap, I suppose.)
But at Christmas, I figured it out. Her mom walked into her house, apologizing as soon as she got there for forgetting the cat food she'd promised to buy her, and turned and immediately went to buy some. It clicked. We could afford a house if all of our household needs were taken care of. Cat food, produce, beverages, TP, toiletries, these things all add up, and could save us a bundle if we didn't have to worry. Not to mention, the free babysitting she gets, plus the cost of play activities for him that they pay for. I don't have a kid, so I don't need these things, but what if I were to never have a kid? Do I just stay unequal in the family? Probably.
My dad trained me never to ask for things, as a kid. Whenever I asked him for money, his response would be, 'get a job'. My friends in high school remember this era of me wearing the same shirt and pants to school every day because my dad bought me no clothing. (Even though, I'm pretty sure my mom paid child support. I remember a fight when they both tried to claim me as a dependent.) So when he told me that my brother in law works hard to provide for my sister.. it was almost like, get a job again. Funny, that they don't require that of my sister. But I guess they count raising a kid as a job, and yarn dying, what I do, as not. Again, I only count if my uterus is busy making babies.
My dad doesn't offer me anything, probably because he's not going to offer my sister anything...again, fair. (my step-mom on the other hand, anything my sister needs magically appears from her) He never asks what I need, and if he had around Christmas I could have said a new down coat for Colorado and hiking shoes. But he leaves 100% of the shopping to my step-mom, and since we don't talk too terribly much..... she really has no idea what I like or need. I almost wish they'd just give me the money, rather than guess on my Amazon wishlist. That's how she's always been though, she doesn't know me too well, so she has me circle things in a catalog.
My dad tries to give a personal gift, but it's usually a Henkel knife to all of the kids, you know, to be fair.
So at this point, it's been since December that I really talked with my dad. Even then, he was too focused on moving. Yes, on my christmas break, when I should be spending time with my family, I had to get all of my shit out at his house. In the span of 4 months they looked for, and bought a house. Had I known they were that serious 6 months ago when casually talking about house-hunting, I would have moved stuff earlier. But they didn't seem too serious. I guess the draw of grandbaby is too much. Again, what if we never have kids? Do we exist to them?
I'm still talking with my sister as normal, in fact, my dad hasn't once asked me what was wrong, she was the one that said that dad mentioned we hadn't talked lately, what was up. Even if I did tell him he'd just say that I'm being too sensitive, and maybe I am, but two friends have told me that they feel I'm getting the shaft compared to my siblings, and I'm just kinda tired of my heart breaking every time I go over.
But yeah, I am the lowest rung on the family totem, and instead of validating my feelings if I mentioned it, it's always that fallback for my dad, I'm being too sensitive. It's never his fault, it's my stupid sensitivity. Shame on me for feeling this way.
I don't fault my sister for it, not at all! If any of my parents (my mom is broke as a joke) could or would provide for me, the way her mom does to her, I would take it in a heartbeat. And I don't fault my step-mom at all. She's blinded by her love for her children, and again..she's not mean spirited; kindest woman I ever met. I honestly don't think she sees the inequality. So I'm talking to my sister as normal, and sending my step-mom the magazines that I read as normal.. and barely speaking to my dad. Maybe my dad will finally get that it's not them anymore; it's him.
But, in the end, I can't avoid him forever. I'm going to give him until Wednesday to ask about skyping walking dead, if nothing.. then another week of avoiding. If he does, then he probably won't ask me why we haven't talked, and I'll lay down that we have to watch TWD on Mondays, if he can't do it because of grandbaby, then we miss this week. If not, then he's still in control of me, and my emotions. He has 6 other days with the grandbaby, he can settle on one permanent day for me....at the very least.
As far as my step-brother goes, he basically lives 3 hours away, and my step-mom visits them at the very least, least once a month. My sister feels like he's greater than her, so lord only knows how far above me he is.
I know, I know... I'm lucky to have my dad in my life, and I'm fortunate that he even wants to Skype. My sister says that her dad is so awful, there are stories that would turn my stomach. Haven't heard any though. Just about a temper from my step-mom. Nothing violent towards them..just objects..like turning over tables. My dad had a temper, too. Why do they think my parents got divorced? (that among a myriad of other things) But he mellowed, and I'm p. sure her dad did, too. He's still very much in her family's lives. So if she gets to be irked at him every now and then, I get to for my dad as well, and we're not playing the whose dad is worse game, because I have friends that would win that from both of us.
This entry is public because I honestly hope he sees it, so he knows how I feel.....that and he knows how I feel without getting a 'stop being so sensitive' cut-off, right to my face, after I pour out my feelings.
Fast-forward to 17 years and my sister and I are very close. As you can see that I call her sister now. Her son is like my son, James and I sent him a DS just because the boy needs games! My step-mom and I are fine, we're not as close as her and her daughter, but that's to be expected when I was 15 when I came into her life. But she is the kindest woman I have ever known.
My dad, on the other hand, maybe will always see me as warring with them? I don't know. I do know that he hangs out with my sister way more often than he does with me. Which is fine. I've been 7+ hours away for 3 or 4 years now. But I would wish he would show he cares in other ways. For sure he tries, sometimes. Like, we will Skype TV shows together. That is, unless he's not playing with the grandbaby. Kinda tired of waiting 4 days to watch the Walking Dead, only to get spoiled. But, I think he's so focused on treating the kids equal, that I end up getting left out.
For example, like I said my sister and her mom are close. Expected. So that when my sister needs anything, she gets it. I remember asking my dad once, how she and he husband could afford such a nice house. He told me that her husband works hard to provide for them. OK. Well, then James got a teaching job at a college 4 years ago, and I was still puzzled as to why we're not even close to a house... (my brother-in-law works in a factory, IDK, maybe those are close to $100K a year job. Teachers make crap, I suppose.)
But at Christmas, I figured it out. Her mom walked into her house, apologizing as soon as she got there for forgetting the cat food she'd promised to buy her, and turned and immediately went to buy some. It clicked. We could afford a house if all of our household needs were taken care of. Cat food, produce, beverages, TP, toiletries, these things all add up, and could save us a bundle if we didn't have to worry. Not to mention, the free babysitting she gets, plus the cost of play activities for him that they pay for. I don't have a kid, so I don't need these things, but what if I were to never have a kid? Do I just stay unequal in the family? Probably.
My dad trained me never to ask for things, as a kid. Whenever I asked him for money, his response would be, 'get a job'. My friends in high school remember this era of me wearing the same shirt and pants to school every day because my dad bought me no clothing. (Even though, I'm pretty sure my mom paid child support. I remember a fight when they both tried to claim me as a dependent.) So when he told me that my brother in law works hard to provide for my sister.. it was almost like, get a job again. Funny, that they don't require that of my sister. But I guess they count raising a kid as a job, and yarn dying, what I do, as not. Again, I only count if my uterus is busy making babies.
My dad doesn't offer me anything, probably because he's not going to offer my sister anything...again, fair. (my step-mom on the other hand, anything my sister needs magically appears from her) He never asks what I need, and if he had around Christmas I could have said a new down coat for Colorado and hiking shoes. But he leaves 100% of the shopping to my step-mom, and since we don't talk too terribly much..... she really has no idea what I like or need. I almost wish they'd just give me the money, rather than guess on my Amazon wishlist. That's how she's always been though, she doesn't know me too well, so she has me circle things in a catalog.
My dad tries to give a personal gift, but it's usually a Henkel knife to all of the kids, you know, to be fair.
So at this point, it's been since December that I really talked with my dad. Even then, he was too focused on moving. Yes, on my christmas break, when I should be spending time with my family, I had to get all of my shit out at his house. In the span of 4 months they looked for, and bought a house. Had I known they were that serious 6 months ago when casually talking about house-hunting, I would have moved stuff earlier. But they didn't seem too serious. I guess the draw of grandbaby is too much. Again, what if we never have kids? Do we exist to them?
I'm still talking with my sister as normal, in fact, my dad hasn't once asked me what was wrong, she was the one that said that dad mentioned we hadn't talked lately, what was up. Even if I did tell him he'd just say that I'm being too sensitive, and maybe I am, but two friends have told me that they feel I'm getting the shaft compared to my siblings, and I'm just kinda tired of my heart breaking every time I go over.
But yeah, I am the lowest rung on the family totem, and instead of validating my feelings if I mentioned it, it's always that fallback for my dad, I'm being too sensitive. It's never his fault, it's my stupid sensitivity. Shame on me for feeling this way.
I don't fault my sister for it, not at all! If any of my parents (my mom is broke as a joke) could or would provide for me, the way her mom does to her, I would take it in a heartbeat. And I don't fault my step-mom at all. She's blinded by her love for her children, and again..she's not mean spirited; kindest woman I ever met. I honestly don't think she sees the inequality. So I'm talking to my sister as normal, and sending my step-mom the magazines that I read as normal.. and barely speaking to my dad. Maybe my dad will finally get that it's not them anymore; it's him.
But, in the end, I can't avoid him forever. I'm going to give him until Wednesday to ask about skyping walking dead, if nothing.. then another week of avoiding. If he does, then he probably won't ask me why we haven't talked, and I'll lay down that we have to watch TWD on Mondays, if he can't do it because of grandbaby, then we miss this week. If not, then he's still in control of me, and my emotions. He has 6 other days with the grandbaby, he can settle on one permanent day for me....at the very least.
As far as my step-brother goes, he basically lives 3 hours away, and my step-mom visits them at the very least, least once a month. My sister feels like he's greater than her, so lord only knows how far above me he is.
I know, I know... I'm lucky to have my dad in my life, and I'm fortunate that he even wants to Skype. My sister says that her dad is so awful, there are stories that would turn my stomach. Haven't heard any though. Just about a temper from my step-mom. Nothing violent towards them..just objects..like turning over tables. My dad had a temper, too. Why do they think my parents got divorced? (that among a myriad of other things) But he mellowed, and I'm p. sure her dad did, too. He's still very much in her family's lives. So if she gets to be irked at him every now and then, I get to for my dad as well, and we're not playing the whose dad is worse game, because I have friends that would win that from both of us.
This entry is public because I honestly hope he sees it, so he knows how I feel.....that and he knows how I feel without getting a 'stop being so sensitive' cut-off, right to my face, after I pour out my feelings.