hate is a strong word but i really dont like you.
i'm glad i still have this livejournal. i need to rant so bad but i can't do it anywhere but here in hopes of someone not finding it. so thank you livejournal.
i don't know how i let this happen.
i hate this! i hate this feeling.
i hate wanting him. because ive tried so hard to convince myself i dont. ive tried saying that im satsified with what i have.
okay i take that back. i am satisfied.
i lied there saturday, his arms around me... and i realized i at least have that. i'm allowed that justification. i know i have to mean something for him to do that.
that night will probably be etched in my memory forever. and my skin for that matter. but just the way it happened... the talks, the cuddling, the ticklefights, the kissing, the... progression. i guess i really didnt think it would happen until it did. and what he said... "it was all for you." what does that mean?
like, he was doing one last thing for me before we stopped forever? i cant handle him having a girlfriend. i cant i cant i cant. i dont want to give up that feeling. if he starts dating her... goddamnit! theres nothing standing in their way. shes not my friend, i cant do anything about it. and hes over her, so that means that wont come into play like it did with us.
i really feel like i shouldnt be upset. but i just wish there was something i could do.. something i could change about myself to make him love again.
everyone knows were meant to be. they tell me constantly. heather, danielle, zach, katy, katie, james, kelsey... why can everyone see it but him? WE'RE PERFECT. we've always been PERFECT!
how is it possibly possible for him to understand? hes been treating me like this for two years. the saddest part is im used to it.
it just makes me angry. because everyone around me is getting their happy ending, including him. but im not. i'm left in the dust, waiting around for the stupid boy that will never love me like i want him to.
i'm pathetic as fuck.
but what can you do, eh?
she mopes and moans
until the crash comes.
then there's nothing left but scars.