So Who Are You Then?
You know how teenagers are meant to have this whole angst-y “who am I?” period?
I missed out on that as a teen. I was 100% sure of who I was for the entirety of my school life, then doubly sure when I left school, worked for a year, then chose to go to university.
I’m not sure when my whole sense of self fell apart though.
Maybe I was shallow? I tended to find my identity through the people I knew, or the people I knew I wasn’t. School wasn’t easy for me: I was an outsider, not particularly social, and a geek - a type of person most ‘normal’ kids fail to understand. But I had a small group of friends (outside of school) and I had my family (I have four brothers, one older and three younger), so I never really thought to question who I was.
Who was I? A Christian, a writer, and a friend.
All of my self-identity seems to be falling apart (backwards). When you grow up, your friends have this infuriating habit of getting involved with members of the opposite sex. This, eventually leads to marriage, and marriage leads to… no more need for the “fringe friend”, which is what I am.
I’ve had people throughout my life who I’ve pinpointed as *my* close friends, but they never seemed to think the same of me - a fact that I always managed to find out the hard way. And having a constantly changing line of “close friends” means that it’s always going to be that way. Someone who has well-established friendships already is never going to open up their inner self to a socially awkward geek who doesn’t seem to have much in common with anyone.
I managed to find solace in my stories. I’m a writer, after all. But the real world beckons. I couldn’t be a novelist when I was at university, I certainly can’t be a novelist at a full-time office desk job. Lately I find myself writing when I shouldn’t - something that makes me feel immensely guilty. How awful of me to keep being paid for not actually doing my job.
So I can’t define my personality as a good friend (or any kind of friend at all lately), I fail as a writer, and being a Christian hasn’t exactly been my driving force for living my life lately. No wonder I’m so down on life. Who the hell am I?
This is a description of me from places around the internet: writer, motorcycle rider, singer, grammar nazi, geek. I feel hollow calling myself any of these, never mind all of them.
So who the heck is this empty person moping around half-living the life I have?
I don’t even know.