Unseen Future
Weekly Update;
Finals week! Is. Over. I can't believe I survived it!
((Honestly, I'll say this from the beginning, there is no use for this entry. I have nothing to do hehe))
To reward myself, I'm buying my first ever JE goods! Quartteto's dvd >w< I can't wait for it to arrive.
Okay enough delaying. Truthfully, these past weeks I've been worried a lot about my future. Which university will I go to, what will I study… etc. Since most of my friends already have their lives planned. I feel lost.
Ever since I was young, my father would always tell me to pursue medicine and to become a doctor.
At first, I ignored what he kept saying, because it's my future I should decide what I'll become. However, last year everything changed.
Whenever someone would ask me what will I study in the future, I kept saying " well I don't know yet. If I found something I want to study, then I will. If not, I'll study medicine"
Which was just basically an excuse. I was and still am too scared to admit that it is becoming my dream.
I was extremely scared of failing. I might have become a bit positive over the past year but I don't think I'll get up easily and continue if I failed. I just can't do it.
So, that is what I went with. Forcing myself to think that I'll study medicine "for the sake of my father" when it is not entirely true.
Now, of all times, when I'm seriously thinking about my future my mother comes and discourage me.
She kept telling me that I'm weak and that being a doctor is tough for woman because of all the blood and the night shifts which made me angry.
I don't believe in myself, but I wish she believed in me.
That made me give up on medicine, and I got lost again.
But that didn't continue for a long time.
School informed us about a course in a medical university that will go on for five days and teach you all about the branches of studying medicine and they'll show you how doctors work in action.
Reading that made me excited. I thought that it was my last chance. I either take it or leave it.
All the way home I was thinking about a way to tell mom and convince her which turned out to be surprisingly very easy.
However, this brings us to one point. Why am I exactly writing this? Because I am TERRIFIED.
I will go. To that course. Alone.
Literally alone.
And I know no one.
Thinking about it makes me want to throw up and cry.
But I kept thinking that it is all in my benefit. I'll never grow up if I stayed like this. I have to get out of my comfort zone.
Me, being the person that can't even do a presentation in front of my classmates that I know for 5 years without shaking and panicking.
How will I survive this?
But I'm trying to be positive here and think about the bright side. About how it will help me decide whether I want this or not.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
I am angry at myself for this to turn out messy.
Sorry -if anyone is even reading this- for making you confused.
It's just that I've been holding this in for a week. A whole week! I didn't tell anyone because I know they'll think I'm pathetic.
……………………..
Ganbarimarius ; ;