02: Behind The Curtain
Brendon sat before his mirror with the box of makeup he had bought, glaring at his reflection. He had been told to have something extravagant done for the night, but he was currently refusing to talk to Ryan. It had been a few days since the party, but Brendon was still feeling completely insulted about how Ryan had refused to have sex with him. Everyone wanted to sleep with Brendon; it was something that was known. Why the hell did Ryan refuse?
Brendon let out a frustrated shout as he once again managed to ruin the eyeliner he was trying to apply. He had not managed anything else, as he was uncertain of what everything he bought was. He looked at the pencil, wondering if sharpening it again would help, when a familiar presence cautiously approached him. Brendon turned and looked at Blake Cylens, who was looking amused.
“Go ask Aquarius, Brendon, you have 45 minutes before you have to be on stage,” Blake said calmly before turning and leaving, obviously getting things ready for his show.
“For fucks sakes…” Brendon muttered, shutting his door behind the man before sitting back at his table. He glared at his reflection again, hating how he looked without his makeup. At least he’d been able to apply the foundation easily, since it was just one flat colorless coat. He wiped the eyeliner off and picked up the pencil again, sharpening it before tracing lines under his eyes. In the end, it looked like a smudge line.
He swore loudly before washing it off again and glaring up at the ceiling in frustration. Brendon couldn’t ask Ryan, not after the last question he’d silently asked was rejected. Honestly, who in their right mind would turn him down? He tried putting on the red shadows this time, knowing slightly what those were. This time he ended up spilling it on his white tank top. He swore again, when there was a knock at his door.
Brendon stood up and jerked the door open, already frustrated. He rolled his eyes at the sight of Ryan and simply glared at him. Ryan bit his lip nervously, tugging on his sleeves as he looked at Brendon. He could see the man had already ruined his shirt and had only managed the foundation. He wrinkled his nose slightly before speaking, “Do you want me to finish…?”
Brendon grunted and sat down, looking in the mirror. Ryan cautiously stepped into the room and glanced around, having avoided the older man’s room for a few years now. He walked over to the makeup kit and frowned, but knew there wasn’t enough time for him to get his own kit. He picked up the eyeliner, which had obviously been sharpened over and over again. He worked quickly, applying the eyeliner, then the basic eye shadow, following by some random patterns that made Brendon look completely stunning.
While it happened, Brendon completely avoided his gaze. He held back his bitter words, still completely and utterly offended. He hadn’t been rejected since he was a kid, and now that he had all of his previous experiences were flowing back. But no, he wouldn’t let them take him over again. He closed his eyes for a minute, letting Ryan finish it off while he brought his memories back to the stage.
“You done?” he asked, briefly glancing at Ryan before reaching and grabbing his circus jacket. Ryan on the other hand nodded his head nervously, scared of Brendon being angry. After all, it didn’t happen very often; and if you set him off at the wrong time you could get your entire house burned down.
Brendon shouldered past Ryan, doing up his jacket as he moved. He was scowling darkly at everyone as he walked to the stage. He paused by a mirror, and noted how Ryan had managed to make him look absolutely perfect once more. He snorted with annoyance before continuing towards the stage. He paused again, making sure the jacket was done up properly before plastering a brilliant smile on his face. He lit the stage on fire as he stepped out from behind the curtains, soaking in the cheers from the crowd.
Back at the other tents, Ryan stalked back to his tent with his head hung. He started to regret rejecting Brendon that night, though he told himself it was a good idea. As he shut the door behind him he heard the cheers that used to be his own, remembering back to his younger days. When Brendon had first arrived to the circus, he was so innocent and kind. He was genuinely interested in what Ryan did, insisting they were together all the time. Now, he was just his helper monkey that sat on his shoulder before shows.
With a heavy sigh Ryan sat on his bed, running nervous fingers through his hair. He flopped back against his mattress, the scars on his arms itching to be opened. They burned a little from the treatment they had got the night before, literally wanting to be scratched. Instead of feeding the hunger he moved over, burying his face into his pillow as he tried to block out his own horrendous memories.
After several seconds though, he knew it was rather fruitless. He was simply incapable of forgetting, or ignoring the call of his scars. He sat up and shook his head before standing up and stumbling into his bathroom. He jerked open his mirror cabinet and knocked down several items before he found his razor. He smiled at it, noting it was stained with droplets of blood. He sent a rush of water over it, cleaning it completely before going back to his room.
Ryan sat on the bed and rolled up his sleeve, admiring the angry red scars that stared back up at him. He pressed the razor against the scar closest to his elbow and moved it slowly, carefully reopening the scar. He let out a gasp at the thread of pain that spiked through him, ignoring the way he instantly became dizzy. As he moved to the next scar, his mind travelled back to the orphanage.
The practical sounds of tearing skin, the blood pooling over all the way to his wrists was now completely invisible. The room around him dissolved to his old orphanage bedroom; white wallpapered walls with innocent lily flowers painted all over it. A miniature Ryan sat on the ugly yellow carpeting, knees pulled up to his chest and arms wrapped around them as he cried into the old fabric.
They were coming closer and closer as each second went by. His cries of protest had never been heard by them; in fact they seemed to have enjoyed it when he did. It wasn’t too long until a rush of hands clasped over him, throwing him atop his bed. All Ryan could see now was the off-white pillow his face was pressed into, muffling sounds of clothing being torn off. He balled his fists into the sheets, jerking away; he knew it was fruitless, but it was more on instinct. Ryan winced, remembering his pants quickly being torn off time and time again. He pleaded for the administrators to stop, but all they did was laugh.
Ryan was unaware of the fact his sheets were slowly turning red below him as he mindless slashed into his arm. He was completely lost in the memories that were slowly consuming his mind. He flinched as he remembered the feel of the smaller man settling atop him and forcing his penis into his small body, thrusting violently as he screamed for them to stop. Tears leaked down Ryan’s face as he remembered how the other orphanage owner would punch him across the face, forcing him into silence.
Ryan pulled the razor away from his arm suddenly and threw it into the bathroom, knowing he would step on it later. He turned to his supplies for when he was working on clothing and pulled out a silver blade, used for precision cuts. He pulled off the top that protected the blade from rusting, and pressed it to his arm.
It was amazing how fast time could go by some time. Ryan was completely unaware of the footsteps approaching his door, or the fact that Brendon was on the other side. Brendon’s small amount of sweat started mingling with his makeup, causing most of it to drip just as it always did. He sighed, hardly wanting to go in to face Ryan. He loved the kid; he just couldn’t help what he felt.
As the door was opened Brendon stood wide eyed, hand still gripped onto the knob. Ryan jumped, the blade digging into his arm by accident as he turned to see the other man. He stuttered looking completely stricken as his face paled quickly. He moved the blade and chucked it onto the bed, rolling down his sleeve too. Brendon was still completely in shock on the other hand, mouth gaping at the sheets covered in blood. “What the fuck are you doing?!” he exclaimed, mouth dry.
Ryan rose to his feet quickly, jerking Brendon’s hand away from the door knob and shoving his hands against his chest. Brendon fell back through the door just as Ryan managed to say “Get out” and slammed the door. Standing on the other side of the door, his temperature rose as he practically burned holes into the tent. He took a deep breath of frustration before jerking the door open again, only to find Ryan standing against it to prevent him.
“Are you fucking stupid?!” he shouted, trying to push the door open.
“Go. Away.” Ryan muttered; trying to push the door closed.
“No, I wont,” snapped Brendon, before the door burst into flames. Ryan cried out and fell away from the door, quickly moving away from it. Brendon got rid of the flames with a wave of his hand, glad to see he had not destroyed it. He entered the tent and snapped the door shut behind him, glaring fiercely at Ryan.
Ryan on the other hand, was terrified. He had worked desperately to keep things hidden from everyone, and now Brendon knew. He glared at the older man as he climbed to his feet, well aware of the fact his sleeve was slowly turning red, “Leave me alone, Brendon!”
“Fuck if I will!” he snapped, walking close to Ryan and grabbing onto the sides of his arms. Brendon wasn’t going to let him leave his grasp, now completely furious. Gripping the sleeves he burned the bloody shirt off of Ryan’s body, making sure not to burn his skin. He glanced at his cut up and naked torso, staring in complete disappointment. Ryan’s heart wrenched, hating that look Brendon gave him.
“Why would you do this?” he asked, fingers absently tracing over old un-opened scars. He didn’t even notice the way it made Ryan shudder slightly before pulling back. “Do you think that this is going to help?”
Ryan’s eyes narrowed furiously at Brendon and he stepped back, glaring. He picked up a towel he’d set aside for Brendon’s makeup and pressed it to his arm, knowing it would stop bleeding in a matter of minutes. He glared angrily at Brendon, “Do you even know what you are talking about, or are you just ranting for the fuck of it?”
Brendon glared back just as darkly before stepping closer, “I know that you’re wasting precious time making yourself look like a moron when you should be getting ready to remove my makeup. I also know you need to think about other people besides your precious problems, what the hell would I do if you went too far, hmm?”
Ryan gaped before rage filled his face. Brendon stared in disbelief, having never seen such a look on the younger man’s face. He took a step back, but was too late. A wave of water exploded through the room, sending Brendon crashing through the door, which was forced open the opposite way. Brendon collapsed on the ground several feet away, coughing violently. Ryan walked to his door and glared, “There, you’re makeup is removed. Now leave me the fuck alone, Flame.”
Spitting out water from his lungs, Brendon quickly evaporated it as soon as he could. This certainly didn’t help his fear of ice and water. Brendon glared up at Ryan, saying: “I don’t know why I even fucking bother! I’ve always tried involving you but you never even are grateful. Proved that the other night didn’t you?” He clambered to his feet. “Fuck you, Aquarius.” Brendon pushed his door open, walking into his room before slamming the door hard behind him.
Ryan paled at Brendon’s words, unable to think of anything past them. He swallowed and glanced around, noting they had attracted a lot of attention. Ryan stepped back into his room, quietly closing the door behind him. He froze the entire thing into place, knowing that the next day someone would come around to fix it, if only because Brendon hated it when people watched as his makeup was applied.
Ryan sat in front of his mirror and stared at his reflection, wondering when he had basically become worthless to everyone. He remembered clearly the times Brendon would get angry when he was excluded from something, and now it seemed as though he was often forgotten in everything. Ryan bowed his head silently, tears rolling down his cheeks. He bit his lip, wondering if he should go talk to his friend, but feared that Brendon would only yell.
Thoroughly depressed, Ryan wanted nothing more then to crawl into some hole somewhere to hide. Ryan climbed into his blood soaked bed and pulled the blankets over his head. He pulled the shadows around the room tighter, making everything pitch black. Slowly, he fell to sleep, thoughts of a world without him dancing through his mind.
*****
That night Brendon found himself thrashing in his bed once more. He’d gone so long from blocking these nightmares that now everything was broken again. He was awake now, forcing himself in this state so he wouldn’t have to dream. Brendon knew what was coming, and he was tired of it all. He ran his hands over his face and into his hair; threading his fingers through to the point he could have ripped it out.
What he had said to Ryan, hell, it was hardly true. Brendon wanted to go over and take back what he had said, take him out and make it up to him. He’d been denied too much attention that week; he was close to going completely ballistic. Brendon shoved his face into his pillow, absently chewing on the fabric as he fought the awaited sleep. But soon it over through him, and he found himself helplessly slipping through.
There he was; almost ten years old and wandering around the school yard. Brendon was wearing his black and yellow school uniform as always, his tie done up just right. Though unlike everyone else he wore his hand-painted orange shoes and matching eye make-up; all the students glared at it as they walked by.
Brendon was sitting alone now, hiding behind a large oak tree as he ate his lunch. It was almost summer time, so they were able to eat outside again. Every now and then he’d look back to the playground, seeing all the happy children playing games like Grounders and Hide and Seek. He chewed on his lip nervously before biting into his self-made sandwich. His mother stopped making his lunches.
Just like every other lunch break, two older students approached him. Brendon glanced up at them, nervous unknown flames dancing in his eyes. He couldn’t even make out what they were saying to him anymore. Probably the normal insults just before the knocked his food out of his hand. Brendon ignored them, jerking away. “Leave me alone.” He muttered, hoping to sound tougher than his nerves wanted to be.
One of the students reached forward and grabbed his arm, only to find fire erupting around him. Brendon panicked slightly, quickly climbing to his feet, as both the boys started yelling. Fire spread quickly through the playground, eating hungrily at the trees and children. Brendon desperately tried to stop it, before another scream filled his ears. He jerked his head around and started running, but slipped and fell.
Black filled his vision before he landed on something solid, knocking the air from his lungs. He stumbled to his feet and looked around frantically, trying to find the source of the familiar scream. Brendon’s throat went dry at the sight of a single figure on fire. He waved his hand and let out a breath of relief when the flames disappeared. He ran towards the figure, only to freeze and stare in terror.
It was Ryan, laying face down on the ground, blood pooled around him. It created the eerie illusion of the younger man drowning in blood. He grabbed Ryan’s shoulder and spun him around, only to see him shrink back down to the silent little boy he had first met. Large brown eyes started up at him, before the little light of life flicked out of them and he expelled his last breath.
Brendon forced himself awake, sweating profusely whilst he tried to catch his breath. He sat up, now knowing he needed to stay awake. Not only had the dream reoccurred but it had twisted into a warped delusion he never wanted to see. He found burning tears in his eyes, ones he quickly burned away before they spilt. Brendon wasn’t crying, and he wasn’t bothered.
Jumping out of bed he started towards his door, ignoring the fact that he was topless as he walked into the darkness. Brendon blinked around, snapping his fingers for a tiny flame to appear at the tip. The area quickly illuminated, showing tiny tear stains on his face as he headed towards Ryan’s door. He knocked softly. “Ryan?” he called, knocking once more.
He heard shuffling feet, and then minutes later the door was opened to show a very tired Ryan. Brendon looked down at his feet, trying to hide his teary eyes. Ryan had already seen them, and began feeling curious. “Can… can I sleep with you tonight?” Brendon asked rather timidly, looking up into the other mans bright brown eyes.
Ryan blinked tiredly at Brendon, unable to think straight. It was rather late at night, and now the man who had upset him earlier obviously needed comfort. He sighed and stepped aside, pushing the shadows of his room back so Brendon could see properly. Brendon smiled timidly at Ryan before shuffling past him. He frowned at the bed, noting it was stained with blood. He didn’t get the chance to comment as Ryan pulled the sheets off the bed and quickly pulled fresh ones onto the bed.
Brendon stood still, looking at the bed, wondering if Ryan actually wanted him there. He opened his mouth to ask, when Ryan gripped his arm and jerked him into the bed. Brendon had no chance to react before the blankets were pulled over the both of them and the lights disappeared. Brendon started panicking, his breath coming out in brief bursts of air, as he remembered the darkness in his dream.
Ryan sat up, resting on his elbows and looked curiously at Brendon. He released some of the shadows, making the room a bit lighter then he preferred, and noted that Brendon seemed to relax instantly. He shook his head and flopped back onto the bed, closing his eyes the moment his head touched the pillow.
He was vaguely aware of Brendon scooting closer and pulling his arm around him several minutes later, just before he dropped off into a deep slumber once more.