Okay - in all honesty, I think this is lovely. Your language is very pretty and poetic and there some turns of phrases that are particularly interesting. But there are some parts that read awkwardly/pretentiously, and you have some tense mistakes. (Please take everything I say with a grain of salt - clearly this is my own opinion and you are under no obligation to follow/listen to my advice.)
I think your use of repetition might have been effective the first time (sometimes, sometimes, they jump from their cloud and float down to loud signs and people with guitars on the side of the road.) but later on, it just got annoying and extravagant. The poetic quality of your writing is mostly strong, but there are some flourishes you indulge in that are unnecessary.
hankyung had knew, knew, knew, Ahhhh, it should be 'hankyung had known.' Had is always followed by a participle.
heechul dreams about fairy tales and dragons and people flying through the clouds, but he looks at hankyung upside down sometimes, and holds onto that dream instead.
( ... )
lol, thank you for this comment. i probably would've never found the had knew tense mistake even if i reread it 5849358 times since it sounds all the same to me. and i haven't ever got this much concrit so that alone makes me really happy :D
honestly, i get what you mean when you say overdone and i know that i'm big on repetition and poetic devices. a lot has changed for me the past couple of months so that's basically how i think lately, stuttering, so it ends up being how i write. i barely check over my writing for anything other than spelling mistakes since reading my writing drives me a little, just a little bit, insane. :\
i'll really keep this in mind though, if one day i find that i can reread my writing without rewriting the whole thing and adding in more run on sentences. thank you for taking the time to leave a comment like this :D and lol, you don't sound bitchy ♥
I think your use of repetition might have been effective the first time (sometimes, sometimes, they jump from their cloud and float down to loud signs and people with guitars on the side of the road.) but later on, it just got annoying and extravagant. The poetic quality of your writing is mostly strong, but there are some flourishes you indulge in that are unnecessary.
hankyung had knew, knew, knew,
Ahhhh, it should be 'hankyung had known.' Had is always followed by a participle.
heechul dreams about fairy tales and dragons and people flying through the clouds, but he looks at hankyung upside down sometimes, and holds onto that dream instead. ( ... )
Reply
honestly, i get what you mean when you say overdone and i know that i'm big on repetition and poetic devices. a lot has changed for me the past couple of months so that's basically how i think lately, stuttering, so it ends up being how i write. i barely check over my writing for anything other than spelling mistakes since reading my writing drives me a little, just a little bit, insane. :\
i'll really keep this in mind though, if one day i find that i can reread my writing without rewriting the whole thing and adding in more run on sentences. thank you for taking the time to leave a comment like this :D and lol, you don't sound bitchy ♥
Reply
Leave a comment