"When Napoleon died in exile, the doctors cut off his dick. They put his dick in an ornate box and gave it to his priest. Don't ask me why. Over the years, Napoleon's dick was sold and sold again to the highest bidder. To this day, at least three people claim to own Napoleon's dick. But you see, it's not important who owns the real dick. The big ( Read more... )

this song was playing in lucky's yesterday when we stopped to get cold medicine and whole chickens [$0.79/lb] and bob started singing along with it in a falsetto and i almost peed my pants laughing at the meat counter

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i was in a restaurant and it was too dark for me to read the menu [i couldnt tell if it was really so dark or if i just couldnt see correctly, everyone else i was with didnt seem to have a problem] so i took forever to order because i kept trying to find decent light. everybody was irritated with me for lagging so i pointed to a picture of some ( Read more... )

http://twitter.com/analparade

i barely use it and mostly use it to reply to other people, anyone else have one?

the latest development in my life is our dog developed an allergy to something we can't positively identify but it's something really difficult and generic like "grass" or "dust." he's really itchy all the time and will scratch until he's hairless and bloody, so basically everyday for the past month has been an ongoing battle to keep the dog from ( Read more... )

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i voted like a month ago, lets hurry this up so i can rejoice/cry, depending

mother's cookies is officially bankrupt. production stops forever on monday

goodbye taffy cookies

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here is where i fess up to the lame shit i like, even though i am fully aware of how lame it is. everyone should do this but i'm pretty sure everyone is too cool and cant afford to lose scene points. no fake ironic shit either, what secrets are you hiding?

( my list of shame )

i got a new cell phone.


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guys if you have cable you should watch my new favorite show, WHATEVER MARTHA ( Read more... )