Life is Killing Me
No, I'm not happy today. I've been thinking a lot lately about everything. Just
TOPS might be cut. There is a war going on for reasons that most Americans don't understand or agree with. People my age are dying overseas when I think they should be home, not fighting. People die every day all over the world in car bombings, riots, shootings, the hospital, car accidents, heart attacks, drug overdoses, wars, in their sleep, hurricanes, disease, floods, earthquakes, fuck, spontaneous combustion. My dad works his ass off all day, everyday, with hardly anything to show for it. He's right there with all of America's farmers getting fucked up the ass because for some odd reason we'd rather import shit from other countries than buy things grown or raised in our own fucking country. My mom doesn't get paid enough for being a teacher. I see people on the side of the road begging for money every day. Old people have to spend all of their money on medicine. Social Security funds are running out. Guantanimo Bay. STD's. Global Warming. Oil. Poverty. Alzhemiers. Racism. Stereotyping. The Patriot Act. Riots in Northern Ireland. Nuclear weapons. Riots in Ohio. Allergies. Forest fires. Divorce. AIDS. Corrupt politicians. Injustice. Abuse. Rape. My toilet runs. Cheating. Wal Marts in China. Child Labor. Osteoporosis. College is expensive. Everything is expensive. Taxes. Electricity. I can't go on anymore.
What are we supposed to do? Do we act like everything's okay? Do we just not think about it while we go throughout our day while one bad thing happens after another? Go to class. Play on facebook. Do homework. Go out on the weekends. Get drunk. Go to the movies. Have fun. Dance to music.We're in college. I just feel like I should be doing something more than this. I feel like I'm living a lie if I don't think about these things everyday. Because it's all around me. It's happening right now. Billions of people suffering all around me, while I'm sitting on this brand new mattress my mom bought me a nice apartment that my parents help me pay for so I can read books about subjects I'm not too interested in and someday get a job and make enough money to support myself. Am I supposed to feel lucky or privledged? Am I supposed to hear about whole villages being wiped out in Guatemala and earthquakes in Asia and just say "Shoowee. I'm glad that wasn't me." Why does everybody just try not to think about it? Why can't we get sad? Why whenever we're sad, the thing to do is somehow cheer up. Yeah, cheer up, that makes things better. Why is it so awkward and uncomfortable for people around me when I talk to them about something bad?
My grandma's in the hospital tonight. She could be there for a week. My mom says to pray for her. But what will that do? If I pray, will she get out of the hospital? Will she automatically stop hurting? Because that's what I want. But it doesn't matter what I want. I'm supposed to pray for his will to be done. I'm supposed to tell God that I want HIS will to be done and that I love him and trust him. Just like I used to pray when she was in the hospital for high blood pressure, heart stints, heart flutters, catheders. I prayed just like all of her friends and neighbors and church members and my mom and my step dad and my grandpa pray for her. Like the doctor probably prays. Like America prays. Like the newly converted Christians in Mexico, Honduras, and Africa pray thanks to my churches' funds and mission trips. Like the President prays. People all over pray to him and THANK him for all of his great works and wonders through one blow after another.
My heart hurts.
TOPS might be cut. There is a war going on for reasons that most Americans don't understand or agree with. People my age are dying overseas when I think they should be home, not fighting. People die every day all over the world in car bombings, riots, shootings, the hospital, car accidents, heart attacks, drug overdoses, wars, in their sleep, hurricanes, disease, floods, earthquakes, fuck, spontaneous combustion. My dad works his ass off all day, everyday, with hardly anything to show for it. He's right there with all of America's farmers getting fucked up the ass because for some odd reason we'd rather import shit from other countries than buy things grown or raised in our own fucking country. My mom doesn't get paid enough for being a teacher. I see people on the side of the road begging for money every day. Old people have to spend all of their money on medicine. Social Security funds are running out. Guantanimo Bay. STD's. Global Warming. Oil. Poverty. Alzhemiers. Racism. Stereotyping. The Patriot Act. Riots in Northern Ireland. Nuclear weapons. Riots in Ohio. Allergies. Forest fires. Divorce. AIDS. Corrupt politicians. Injustice. Abuse. Rape. My toilet runs. Cheating. Wal Marts in China. Child Labor. Osteoporosis. College is expensive. Everything is expensive. Taxes. Electricity. I can't go on anymore.
What are we supposed to do? Do we act like everything's okay? Do we just not think about it while we go throughout our day while one bad thing happens after another? Go to class. Play on facebook. Do homework. Go out on the weekends. Get drunk. Go to the movies. Have fun. Dance to music.We're in college. I just feel like I should be doing something more than this. I feel like I'm living a lie if I don't think about these things everyday. Because it's all around me. It's happening right now. Billions of people suffering all around me, while I'm sitting on this brand new mattress my mom bought me a nice apartment that my parents help me pay for so I can read books about subjects I'm not too interested in and someday get a job and make enough money to support myself. Am I supposed to feel lucky or privledged? Am I supposed to hear about whole villages being wiped out in Guatemala and earthquakes in Asia and just say "Shoowee. I'm glad that wasn't me." Why does everybody just try not to think about it? Why can't we get sad? Why whenever we're sad, the thing to do is somehow cheer up. Yeah, cheer up, that makes things better. Why is it so awkward and uncomfortable for people around me when I talk to them about something bad?
My grandma's in the hospital tonight. She could be there for a week. My mom says to pray for her. But what will that do? If I pray, will she get out of the hospital? Will she automatically stop hurting? Because that's what I want. But it doesn't matter what I want. I'm supposed to pray for his will to be done. I'm supposed to tell God that I want HIS will to be done and that I love him and trust him. Just like I used to pray when she was in the hospital for high blood pressure, heart stints, heart flutters, catheders. I prayed just like all of her friends and neighbors and church members and my mom and my step dad and my grandpa pray for her. Like the doctor probably prays. Like America prays. Like the newly converted Christians in Mexico, Honduras, and Africa pray thanks to my churches' funds and mission trips. Like the President prays. People all over pray to him and THANK him for all of his great works and wonders through one blow after another.
My heart hurts.