Shoo! Shoo! No retarded flu!
Thank you rdevillaus for the invite! You are awesome:)
So. I'd be lying if I said things weren't better since my last post, but then again it's not like it could've gotten much worse, if it'd did i'd be dead now:D The 1st days of the new year I was suprisingly cheerful and eating well and upbeat and all that wonderful bullshit but today and yesterday have just been Eh. But Eh is my usual state of being so I guess I shouldn't complain. Tomorrow I go back to work. I am less than thrilled about this but I now have no reason to really sit around the house and do nothing even though I do it so very well.
I think I finally have it through my head that a Really Bad thing happened and it pushed into some major depression and now it's done w/ and life will get better. Or I can tell myself that. But I actually think it's not even that. Yea *that* sucked and was horrible but it's over now. (I'm sooo not trying be cryptic I just really am paranoid to state all the facts) It's like since I've had free time and shit I've actually gone back and looked @ old jernal entries for the hell of it. I'm not gonna use the *h* word (happy) but I just seemed so much less miserable in the past. Like life sucked, yes, but it didn't suck quite as much. Actually it's not even that life sucked it's more the *feeling of doom* was less exreme. Ahh the wonderful feeling of doom that i never speak of cos it only makes people look @ me strangely. You won't get it. I won't try to explain.
I just don't get it, cos I thought yer supposed to mellow out as the years go by but it feel like just the opposite for me. I'm so much quicker to tell someone to go fuck themselves and roll my eyes. I have zero patience. I look forward to nothing (I only dread things) Eh whatever there is no point talking about my *intermost feelings* it's all bullshit and it never changes a damn thing.
Anyway since I've been blessed w/ freetime I've got to watch all sorts of fun stuff on TV. that remaking vince neil show on vh1, i could not turn away. then on the history channel (my new fave) there was this show about nazism in America. all sorts of stuff i never learned in skool, like they once had a nazi rally @ Madison Square garden and they had these nazi kinda summer camps (for lack of a better term) and one of the biggest ones was in New Jersey. I am so nosy to know where but of course they didn't tell you. Craziness.
er what else? i drove mark to philly and back on Monday. i think that was the most driving I've ever done, 6 hours all together maybe, i am never the driver, always the passenger (like iggy pop) i realized during the course of the drive my windshield wipers suck and i should get new ones. i taught myself how to check my oil, which is dumb but i had never even looked under the hood of the car before so i felt cool. mark also told me he is gonna move to Finland! that is not cool.
Even though it's like the thing i wanna do least right now i KNOW i have to force myself to start going out and reconnect w/ the friends i have that i do not deserve cos i suck @ life and valuing friendships. it all seems so simple when i type it out but yet it's so GD hard. i need dr. phil to come here and have wrestlemania w/ me every morning and i'd still proally have some kinda excuse.
fuck this is so long. I guess i'm just making up for the 98009809809 days w/ no entries. I've been on a kill hannah kick the past week. They opened for HIM last spring but of course I didn't care then. So typical. I don't even know what genre of rock they are supposed to be. (yes I like to label things!) It seems like mainly 16 years olds listen to them tho. ah great. My musical tastes just get further & further away from cool every year. i don't care. I was doing some lite stalking though and I read this...
On the band's name: Hannah was ... a local [girl] and she was really incredible-looking. She had purple hair and wore thrift-store clothes like men's jackets and she had her nose pierced three times. And in a town like [Normal], she was just unforgettable. We started dating and then it kind of fell apart. And it was hard for me, it was my first experience with heartbreak and I felt so vengeful and fierce. So I wrote a song called "Kill Hannah" rather than do something that I might regret. At the time, you have no idea that it's going to be over in a few weeks. But we kept the name even since that feeling dissipated because we kind of like the sound of it and it's a theme that we feel is universal.She's living in Switzerland now, she's writing out there, I guess. And she's probably causing trouble out there. She's totally aware of the band and never really cared. I mean, she was always a little flattered by it. But she's deserving of a band name. I met the girl named Jane, whom Jane's Addiction is named after, and Hannah's definitely more intriguing than that girl was.
That would fucking just KILL me daily to have the name of my 1st retarded BF as my band name. ::rolls eyes @ the mere throught::
I don't know why I posted that. I found it interesting but u probably don't. I guess I'm writing extra bullshit cos one of the other things that struck me when I went back and read old entries is the amazing amount of stuff I did, went through, and felt that I left out. Like my journal is about 20% me and 80% fluff. Mainly that is cos I am paranoid (paranoia will destroy ya) but it also makes me think why I even bother then if I can't be straight. Yer suposed to write about yer life in yer diary. It's not typing class where u puss the keys for the hell of it. Eh i dunno, the jury is still out...
So. I'd be lying if I said things weren't better since my last post, but then again it's not like it could've gotten much worse, if it'd did i'd be dead now:D The 1st days of the new year I was suprisingly cheerful and eating well and upbeat and all that wonderful bullshit but today and yesterday have just been Eh. But Eh is my usual state of being so I guess I shouldn't complain. Tomorrow I go back to work. I am less than thrilled about this but I now have no reason to really sit around the house and do nothing even though I do it so very well.
I think I finally have it through my head that a Really Bad thing happened and it pushed into some major depression and now it's done w/ and life will get better. Or I can tell myself that. But I actually think it's not even that. Yea *that* sucked and was horrible but it's over now. (I'm sooo not trying be cryptic I just really am paranoid to state all the facts) It's like since I've had free time and shit I've actually gone back and looked @ old jernal entries for the hell of it. I'm not gonna use the *h* word (happy) but I just seemed so much less miserable in the past. Like life sucked, yes, but it didn't suck quite as much. Actually it's not even that life sucked it's more the *feeling of doom* was less exreme. Ahh the wonderful feeling of doom that i never speak of cos it only makes people look @ me strangely. You won't get it. I won't try to explain.
I just don't get it, cos I thought yer supposed to mellow out as the years go by but it feel like just the opposite for me. I'm so much quicker to tell someone to go fuck themselves and roll my eyes. I have zero patience. I look forward to nothing (I only dread things) Eh whatever there is no point talking about my *intermost feelings* it's all bullshit and it never changes a damn thing.
Anyway since I've been blessed w/ freetime I've got to watch all sorts of fun stuff on TV. that remaking vince neil show on vh1, i could not turn away. then on the history channel (my new fave) there was this show about nazism in America. all sorts of stuff i never learned in skool, like they once had a nazi rally @ Madison Square garden and they had these nazi kinda summer camps (for lack of a better term) and one of the biggest ones was in New Jersey. I am so nosy to know where but of course they didn't tell you. Craziness.
er what else? i drove mark to philly and back on Monday. i think that was the most driving I've ever done, 6 hours all together maybe, i am never the driver, always the passenger (like iggy pop) i realized during the course of the drive my windshield wipers suck and i should get new ones. i taught myself how to check my oil, which is dumb but i had never even looked under the hood of the car before so i felt cool. mark also told me he is gonna move to Finland! that is not cool.
Even though it's like the thing i wanna do least right now i KNOW i have to force myself to start going out and reconnect w/ the friends i have that i do not deserve cos i suck @ life and valuing friendships. it all seems so simple when i type it out but yet it's so GD hard. i need dr. phil to come here and have wrestlemania w/ me every morning and i'd still proally have some kinda excuse.
fuck this is so long. I guess i'm just making up for the 98009809809 days w/ no entries. I've been on a kill hannah kick the past week. They opened for HIM last spring but of course I didn't care then. So typical. I don't even know what genre of rock they are supposed to be. (yes I like to label things!) It seems like mainly 16 years olds listen to them tho. ah great. My musical tastes just get further & further away from cool every year. i don't care. I was doing some lite stalking though and I read this...
On the band's name: Hannah was ... a local [girl] and she was really incredible-looking. She had purple hair and wore thrift-store clothes like men's jackets and she had her nose pierced three times. And in a town like [Normal], she was just unforgettable. We started dating and then it kind of fell apart. And it was hard for me, it was my first experience with heartbreak and I felt so vengeful and fierce. So I wrote a song called "Kill Hannah" rather than do something that I might regret. At the time, you have no idea that it's going to be over in a few weeks. But we kept the name even since that feeling dissipated because we kind of like the sound of it and it's a theme that we feel is universal.She's living in Switzerland now, she's writing out there, I guess. And she's probably causing trouble out there. She's totally aware of the band and never really cared. I mean, she was always a little flattered by it. But she's deserving of a band name. I met the girl named Jane, whom Jane's Addiction is named after, and Hannah's definitely more intriguing than that girl was.
That would fucking just KILL me daily to have the name of my 1st retarded BF as my band name. ::rolls eyes @ the mere throught::
I don't know why I posted that. I found it interesting but u probably don't. I guess I'm writing extra bullshit cos one of the other things that struck me when I went back and read old entries is the amazing amount of stuff I did, went through, and felt that I left out. Like my journal is about 20% me and 80% fluff. Mainly that is cos I am paranoid (paranoia will destroy ya) but it also makes me think why I even bother then if I can't be straight. Yer suposed to write about yer life in yer diary. It's not typing class where u puss the keys for the hell of it. Eh i dunno, the jury is still out...