Hands of Fate: Chapter Twenty-Eight
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.
-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-Eight:
Coming Back to You
-~*~-
The heat of Los Angeles hits him in the face the moment he steps out of the car but it’s welcomed. It just feels so good to be back in California, in the same state as Jared, after all this time. The time spent apart without much communication leaves Jensen feeling nervous but there’s also anticipation building in his gut and the feeling is good as well.
He is hoping his presence will be well received, that Jared will be happy to see him, but he’s not expecting anything. He knows Jared will likely be upset with him and he won’t blame him if he is, he knows he deserves it. But he is ready to face whatever awaits him as far as Jared is concerned, and his friends as well, who he has neglected for far too long.
I haven’t been a very good friend to any of them lately, he acknowledges solemnly, vowing to try his best to make amends as soon as possible.
The walk to the dorm rooms is longer than he remembers it to be, his newly acquired limp making the trudge down the hallways different and leaving him feeling a bit self-conscious. He has had time to get used to it, the few times he went into town back home, but it’s still new and he’s trying to get used to it.
“Stop worrying, no one’s looking at you like you’re some freak show,” Josh speaks up from beside him and Jensen sends him a grateful smile and nods his head.
“I know that, deep down, it’s just hard for my brain to process it sometimes. It’s so noticeable to me that it’s hard to believe it’s not the first thing people see,” he admits with a slight shrug, knowing he’s probably being ridiculous but not really able to help it.
“You only notice it so much ‘cause you’re so insecure about it, but trust me Jen, it’s not that noticeable.”
Jensen knows his brother is downplaying it a bit, it is noticeable, just maybe not as much as Jensen believes it to be. Anyone that knows him will likely take notice to it right away, but when he gives himself a second to think about it he knows his friends won’t look upon him with judgment and that makes him feel a little better. I just don’t want any pity either.
Before long they are standing in front of Jensen’s dorm room and Jensen lets them in, Josh carrying most of Jensen’s luggage. Will looks up the moment Jensen’s steps into the room and quickly rises to his feet, moving to help Josh. “How was the ride in?” He directs this question to Jensen who is dropping what little he had in his arms down onto his bed.
“Uncomfortable at times but not as bad as I was expecting,” he answers with a smile as he moves to sit down, opting to lie back at the last minute, sighing when his body is finally able to relax.
“That’s good…” Will trails off, looking as though he wants to say something more but is unable to think of anything.
Jensen sighs with a shake of his head. “It’s okay Will, just ask.”
His roommate seems relieved to have been given permission, the expression on his face saying it all. “How are you doing? When I heard what happened… I just couldn’t believe it. I would have called, checked in on you, but I didn’t know how to reach you.”
Jensen smiles a bit as he pushes himself into a seated position. He and Will never really had the time to hang out and get to know each other properly but even despite that they did have enough time to get comfortable with one another, enough to even forge somewhat of a friendship. It’s nice to know even his roommate had wondered how he was doing and even had thought to get in touch with him. He might not know Will as well as he should, considering they’re roommates, but he knows the guy is a nice person and someone he could be good friends with given enough time.
“I’m doing better than I was, have made progress…” he isn’t quite sure what else to say, how much he’s willing to reveal, but Will seems placated by this answer and Jensen figures that’s all he really needs to know. Maybe one day he’ll give more details, maybe he won’t, but for now this is enough. “It’s just good to be back here, to be ready to get back to my life.”
“It’s good to have you back, it’s been weird here without you.”
Jensen quirks an eyebrow at this. “Don’t you spend most of your time at Bethany’s anyway?”
“Yeah but you know what I mean,” Will waves his hand dismissively, rolling his eyes and getting a grin from Jensen.
“Given the fact that my brother has no manners I guess I’m just gonna have to introduce myself,” Josh pushes himself into the conversation, sending a playful glare Jensen’s way before holding his hand out to Will. “I’m Josh.”
This gets a snickering laugh from his roommate, who shakes Josh’s hand with a friendly smile lighting his amused face. “Cool to meet ya Josh, I’m your brother’s roommate, Will.”
“It’s nice to meet you too.” Josh responds in kind, briefly shaking his hand before stepping back and taking a seat on Jensen’s desk chair. “Either of you hungry? I’ve been driving for hours and have worked up an appetite, plus it’d be nice to spend a bit more time with you before I have to head back home.”
“There’s a Denny’s just a couple of blocks from here, we could go there if that’s cool with you. I’m craving eggs and hash browns.” Jensen replies as he rises to his feet and makes sure he has his keys and wallet on hand.
“I don’t care where we go as long as the food is good,” Josh answers as he climbs to his feet once more and looks at Will. “You’re more than welcome to join us, would be nice to get to know you a little bit.”
“Sounds good, I’ve got nowhere I need to be until later this afternoon,” Will says as they walk to the door and head out.
As Jensen shuts and locks the door behind him, he makes a mental note to get in touch with his friends as soon as he gets back, to let them know he’s back in town and hoping they’d like to get together sometime. A little paranoid part inside is scared they won’t want to hear from him, will be mad at him for cutting off contact with him, but he knows he can’t avoid them forever. He doesn’t want to. He’s missed his friends so badly, he just hopes they still want to be his friend after everything he’s done, not just to them but to Jared as well.
He knows he’s probably being ridiculous but it’s an irrational fear he hasn’t been able to shake, despite the many reassurances from Dr. Johnson. He just hates the thought of them being upset with him. But the thought of approaching Jared, talking to him face to face after all this time, is far more terrifying and that’s not something he’s going to put off. He plans to track Jared down today, the first chance he gets, and making that first step to reaching out to him. He can only hope he won’t be turned away.
:0Ж0:
Right after his lunch with Will and his brother, Jensen saw Josh off, hugging him extra tight and silently wishing his brother hadn’t needed to leave so soon. Josh had promised to call often though and come back down to visit as soon as he could and that had to be enough for Jensen.
Immediately after Josh left Jensen returned to his room and called Sophia, not wanting to let himself put it off any longer than necessary. Now he sat on his bed with Sophia sitting on his desk chair and Chad standing, looking for all the world like he didn’t know how to act. Jensen wasn’t sure what his friends were thinking, couldn’t judge it based on the blank looks on their faces but he did his best to smile and tell them he’s missed them.
“You could have called,” Sophia finally speaks after a long silence, looking at him almost accusingly and it makes Jensen feel like a heel. “We’re your friends Jen, we love you, an update now and then would have been appreciated.”
Jensen bites down on his lip hard. He’d known this conversation wouldn’t be easy though, knew he had a lot of making up to do. “I’ve been a bad friend, I know that, and I’m sorry for not calling. I don’t really have a good excuse for cutting you all off the way I did. I just… I wasn’t in a good state of mind back then, and I was selfish, too self absorbed to think about anyone else’s feelings.”
“Look, Jen, I’m not trying to put any blame on you or make you feel guilty. Lord knows you had enough to deal with after…” Sophia can’t seem to bring herself to say the word and in the end decides not to, visibly swallowing hard before continuing. “I’m just saying we missed you, that we’ve been worried sick about you. I’m glad you’re back and you seem to be doing okay. You are, right? You’re doing better?”
“I still feel bad about how I went about things with you guys, I didn’t mean to pull away from anyone, but yeah I am doing better now. I… well, I still have a long ways to go before I let go and move on from what happened but I’m doing much better than I was at the beginning of the year.” He looks up to find Sophia watching him with hopeful eyes, relief shinning through when his words register. “I’ve missed everyone so much, didn’t truly realize how much until the prospect of coming home came up.”
“We’re just glad you’re home.” Sophia gives a genuine smile as she rises to her feet and crosses the space between them to pull him into a hug. “Expect to be smothered for the next few days.”
Jensen laughs quietly at that and just nods his head. He hadn’t been sure how his friends would react but he’s glad to see things have been mended with Sophia. “I, uh, I need to see Jared. Do either of you know where he is?” He asks once Sophia lets him go and he moves to stand up.
“Where Jared’s always at, ever since he came back from Texas,” Chad finally breaks his silence. He’d been oddly quiet since he walked into the room, which is just strange behavior for him. The look he sends Jensen tells him the blonde isn’t altogether happy with him though and, considering Jared’s his best friend, Jensen can easily understand why. “He’s at Providence Books, working his ass off to keep his mind off of you.”
“Chad!” Sophia speaks up, warningly, but Jensen just holds up his hand.
“No Soph, it’s okay, he’s right. I haven’t done right by Jared either, and I’m gonna try my damnedest to fix things with him. That may not be easy but I’ve gotta try. He deserves an explanation, as well as an apology.”
Chad stares at him for a long moment, seemingly trying to judge his sincerity. He must like whatever he sees displayed on Jensen’s face, however, because the expression on his face morphs into something softer and the tiniest hint of a smile is pulling at the corner of his lips. He gives a nod of his head a second later and breaches the space between them, pulling Jensen in an embrace.
The move is unexpected and leaves Jensen in a bit of a state of shock. Chad isn’t exactly the type to initiate hugs much less full on embraces like this one, he’s more of a one armed hug kind of guy, so it takes Jensen a moment to reciprocate.
“I’m really glad you’re okay dude. Can honestly say you scared the shit out of me,” Chad’s whispered confession hits Jensen’s ear, leaving him a bit choked up with emotion. He hugs his friend just a bit tighter to show his appreciation before releasing him and taking a small step back, small smile fixed on his face. “I’m not gonna give you a hard time about anything, all I’m gonna say is you get your ass down to that book store and fix things with my boy, he’s a mess without you.”
“I’m certainly gonna do my best,” is Jensen’s grinning response.
:0Ж0:
Pulling up to the curb outside of Providence Books, Jensen pays the fare and steps out of the taxi. Staring into the building from the windows outside he can easily make out Jared standing by the front registers of the coffee shop area, head down and turned slightly away, though Jensen can see his features quite clearly.
Chad hadn’t been kidding, there are some noticeable differences about Jared that are hard to miss. He is normally the happy-go-lucky type, with a smile always one his face, goofing off with his fellow co-workers and filled with enthusiasm. Now, however, he’s subdued and looks as though the weight of the world rests upon his shoulders.
It is such a foreign sight to Jensen that it leaves him feeling uncomfortable, a painful tightening in his stomach. He just can’t believe he’s the cause of this, for Jared looking so miserable. It’d been easy back in Texas to think that Jared was handling this alright, maybe not with ease, but with the help of their friends Jensen had been sure Jared wouldn’t be dwelling on it too much.
You should’ve known better, a tiny voice speaks up and deep down he’d known he’d been fooling himself. He wanted to believe Jared was okay, just so it’d be easier on himself, less guilt that way. It hadn’t exactly worked anyway, he’d been guilt ridden the whole time he was separated from the shaggy haired man.
Just seeing him now, having him within reach, is like a balm to a wound he hadn’t realized was there. Jared may not be looking his best, and it makes him feel a little bad for putting the younger man through this, but that doesn’t matter. He is still so damn relieved to see Jared again, is allowing himself to feel just how much he’s missed him. He can’t begin to understand how he could have possibly stayed away as long as he did.
Taking a deep breath, to both calm his nerves and build up some courage, Jensen reaches out for the door handle and steps inside the air-conditioned shop. Jared doesn’t look up at the bell, signaling a customer, and Jensen’s sort of grateful for that. He’s a little nervous about how Jared will react when he sees him. There’s bound to be some discomfort and tension. He’s not looking forward to that but he also knows they can’t avoid it.
He stops just a few steps into the building, unable to get his legs to move another step. Now that he’s here he realizes he hadn’t been prepared, didn’t think about what he was going to say the moment they were standing face to face. What can he possibly say to Jared now after all this time of separation, all the hurt he caused. What if things are broken beyond repair? What will he do then?
:0Ж0:
Jared starts off the day just as he’s done for the past however many months since he’s been back in California. The days blend together, and if it weren’t for his work schedule and classes he wouldn’t be too sure how many months has passed since he last saw or heard from Jensen.
He attends his classes in the morning, getting through them with only a portion of the attention he should be giving them. Then he heads off to work for his shift, getting lost in his tasks and not giving himself too much time to think.
Each day passes by in much the same fashion, with random visits with his friends thrown into the mix. It’s not ideal but he’s managing and that’s the whole point. Right now he needs distractions, needs to keep himself moving otherwise his mind will wander to Jensen and the fact that he’s so utterly confused as to where he stands with him.
He knows Jensen said it was over between them but he’s not altogether sure that Jensen meant it. He realizes Jensen needed time and for whatever reason he needed that time spent away from Jared but whether that means their relationship is truly over? He doesn’t know. He just can’t help thinking that this can’t be the end, this can’t be the way things were meant to turn out. They haven’t had an easy relationship, he knows, but he believes they’re meant to be together and he just can’t bring himself to let go.
How can I possibly let go when it feels like there’s so much left to hang on to? Moving on just doesn’t seem like an option to him, but biding his time until he talks to Jensen again is a better solution. At least in his mind, it is.
I’m setting myself up to be let down, he internally realizes but is unaware of a way to stop.
“Do you think I should start looking for my own place?” The words fly out of his mouth before he even knew he was going to say them and Steve looks up from the notebook in front of him to look at Jared curiously.
“Why are you asking that? You know you’re welcome here for as long as you want to stay,” he says with a befuddled expression on his features. “We haven’t given you an impression otherwise, have we?”
Jared immediately shakes his head. “No it’s not what either of you have done or implied, I know you’d let me stay here, I was just thinking maybe it’s time I look into finding myself a place. I make good money, it’s not like I couldn’t find a place I could afford. You know, have my own space and whatnot.” He pauses in thought, hoping he hasn’t offended his friend, and then gives a shrug. “I just think it’d be nice to have my own place, is all.”
“If that’s what you want to do than you know I support you, but in the meantime you are more than welcome here. Take your time finding a place you like, there’s no rush.”
Jared smiles gratefully and gives a nod, knowing his friend is right but also thankful for the support. He knows it might take some time to find a decent place that he can afford if he just looks hard enough. That’s not to say he doesn’t like staying here with Chris and Steve, it’s nice having his friends there for company, but at the same time he’d like to find a more permanent solution. Because while he does feel comfortable here, he still feels like a guest and that’s gonna get old soon.
:0Ж0:
Jared brought a hand up to cover a yawn as he made his way into Providence Books, ready to get to work after his last class of the day. It probably wasn’t all that healthy, spending a large percentage of his time between classes and work, but it served as a nice distraction, something to keep him busy, so he took whatever shift he could.
Jensen wasn’t there like he had grown so accustomed to, his absence stuck out like a sore thumb, and that made focusing on his studies harder than he wanted it to be. A few weeks after returning to California, moping and struggling to find a balance in his life, Tom had suggested that maybe he needed to get himself out of his room and do something with himself.
He’d known his friend was right, between work and his school studies to focus on, any distraction he could get was appreciated at that point because he was missing Jensen awfully bad. He still was but keeping himself busy helped quite a bit.
“You look beat,” is Genevieve’s greeting when he reaches the back room, a small hole in the wall room that their boss liked to call the employee’s lounge. “Did you not sleep well at all last night?”
Jared rolls his eyes but the smile on his face is genuine, albeit amused. “I don’t get much sleep these days actually. You’d think my body would be used to the program by now.” He shakes his head with a soundless laugh and gives her a ‘what are you gonna do?’ shrug of his shoulders as he stores his things away, what little he brought with him anyway.
With a shake of her head, she gives him a slightly exasperated expression. “You keep that up and you’ll burn out real quick, just you wait and see.” She points at him with a mock-stern look on her face but even though she’s just teasing he knows that she is right. He really does need more sleep than he has been getting but that’s a lot easier said than done, it isn’t like he has a choice one way or the other.
“Well, it’s not like I choose not to get much sleep but thanks for the lecture Gen.” He gives her a grin to show he is just responding to her teasing. “What are you doing back here anyway? Shouldn’t you be making coffee? You know, your job.”
Genevieve raises a neatly plucked brow and rolls her eyes. “I swear, with how many times you tell me to get back to work one would assume you think you’re my boss or something.” She laughs a bit and jumps down for the table she’d been sitting on. He swears she must have an aversion to chairs or something because he never sees her actually use one, she usually opts for tables and counters.
“I don’t think you could handle having me as your boss ‘cause then you’d actually have to work!” He calls after her in good humor, laughing outwardly when she flips him off as she walks out of the room.
:0Ж0:
Jared’s afternoon shift passes by at a slow crawl but he doesn’t mind it all that much. The work here really isn’t all that hard and even if he hadn’t had to work today he likely would have ended up here at some point anyway. He comes here often just to pass the time, doing his best to get lost in a book rather than his own head. It is better that way, to focus on a good story rather than his life which, to him, seems to be in shambles.
And okay that might be rather melodramatic for him but still, his life isn’t the picture of happiness. His friends keep telling him that things could be worse but he’s failing to see how that could be possible. He has been in full on sulk-mode since Jensen broke up with him and it’s been tough to see the good in anything.
Jared sighs as he rises to his feet, knees popping as he stands up. He’s finished organizing the shelf of books and now he basically just has to make himself look busy if Jeff happens to pass by. Not that Jeff will be upset if he finds Jared standing around talking to Genevieve of course but even so Jeff makes it a point to tell everyone that he doesn’t pay them to stand around and look pretty, even when they don’t technically have anything to do around the store.
“Been kind of a slow day,” Jared remarks as he approaches the counter Genevieve’s standing behind, looking just as bored as he feels.
She gives him a raised eyebrow. “And this surprises you?” She asks almost incredulously and Jared has to admit she has a point. The quaint little shop may be holding its own but it mostly gets by on it’s loyal customers and the few random people, like Jared, who happen to come across it and get curious.
“You’re kind of right though, it’s been slower than normal,” she concedes with a quiet sigh. “I kind of wish it’d pick up a little, I’m bored as fuck!”
“I don’t know, I kind of like it,” he shrugs and ignores the sarcastic “You would,” he gets in response for it. “Wouldn’t mind if Jeff would give me something to do though, I’ve already organized everything and offered help to a few customers. Right now I’d even tackle sweeping just to keep moving.”
Genevieve nods sympathetically, she knows what it’s like when you have nothing to do, you tend to get lazy and tired.
“So hey, I was kind of curious about something,” she starts off casually but just from that sentence alone Jared can’t help but look at her suspiciously, cautious, because he gets the feeling nothing good is going to come from it. “I’ve got this friend, who’s single and looking to get back in the dating pool, and I was wondering if you’re in a relationship or not.”
Jared blinks, uncomfortable with the question because he isn’t quite sure how to answer. He’s not technically in a relationship but he is still holding out hope for him and Jensen, he isn’t about to go on a date with someone else. He wouldn’t even if he knew there was no chance of him getting back with Jensen, he’s just not ready for anything like that. But how does he put that to her without bringing up the whole Jensen situation?
Genevieve raises an eyebrow when he fails to respond and he knows he has to speak now before she gets any more curious. He clears his throat uncomfortably and shifts where he stands. “It’s complicated,” is the response he decides to go with and sighs inwardly when she rolls her eyes at him. He is thankful when she doesn’t press the issue though, like he’d feared she would.
“Alright, if you say so,” she shakes her head and looks over his shoulder for a moment before turning her eyes back to him, a playful grin forming on her face as she leans in. “Not sure if you’re into guys at all, though I’ve always kind of suspected you were, but you have an admirer behind you. He’s had his eyes on you ever since he walked through the door, and I gotta say he’s pretty easy on the eyes.” She motions with her head to look over his shoulder and while he doesn’t care if he’s being checked out by some guy right now, it’s curiosity that has him turning his head around.
His breath just kind of catches in his throat and lodges there. Timid green eyes flash up to meet his and just like that Jared can breathe again. A breathy whisper of Jensen’s name leaves his lips, gaining Genevieve’s attention, he can feel her curious stare burning a hole in the side of his head but he ignores her completely as he moves and doesn’t stop until he’s standing right in front of Jensen.
Jensen looks nervous as he raises his head to meet Jared’s eyes, seemingly unable to break eye contact any more than Jared can. He has to fight to urge to reach out and touch Jensen, just to be sure he’s there and not a cruel figment of his imagination. Instead he gestures to the table and chairs to the right of them, taking a seat and planting his hands firmly on the table. Jensen joins him a second later.
The silence drags on between them for a couple of seconds longer, neither of them knowing what to say to the other but unable to take their eyes off of one another either. Jared is still getting over the shock of seeing Jensen again, his brain doing its best to process the fact that he is actually there, sitting right across from him. For a while he was beginning to think Jensen would never come back to California, to him. But here he is and Jared can’t find his damn voice much less all the things he’d planned to say once he was face to face with Jensen again.
“I um, Chad told me where to find you,” Jensen speaks quietly and Jared is grateful that one of them could start the conversation. “I kept trying to think of a way to approach you but I was afraid you might not want to see me.”
Jared can’t help it, it is just such a ridiculous thought that he has to laugh. Jensen’s face falls at the sound though and Jared quickly calms himself, shaking his head. “Of course I would want to see you, Jen. Why the hell wouldn’t I?” He can’t help how incredulous he sounds but this time Jensen doesn’t take it as a bad sign.
Jensen looks down at the table, taking a deep breath as he fidgets in his seat. “It’s been months since I’ve talked to you, or tried to, so I… I don’t know, I thought you might be upset by that.” Jensen looks up at him again and Jared can clearly see the worry in his eyes. Despite the fact that Jared basically is happy to see him, Jensen still had doubt.
“Not going to lie and say it was easy for me, and there were days where I was angry at you, but I know you’ve been through a lot Jensen. Sure, seeing you again and hearing from you was something I really wanted, but the last thing I was going to do was be selfish. You had said you needed time and space and that’s what I told myself I’d give to you.” He doesn’t mention that his hope of seeing Jensen again diminished gradually each day, he doesn’t need to know that.
Jensen flushes slightly in embarrassment and looks down again. “Sorry, I guess I’ve been doubting things a lot lately, worried and nervous, more so than usual anyway.” He gives a halfhearted shrug and laughs awkwardly. Jared has to laugh too but only because Jensen never really came off as the nervous type to him, at least not to the extent Jensen is implying.
“You shouldn’t have worried Jen, I’m glad to see you. Hell, I’m glad you were ready to see me.” He smiles, wanting to reach across the table and touch but knowing Jensen might not be ready for that has him keeping his hands to himself. “Are you doing better?”
Jensen seems to take a moment to consider this question, growing quiet for a bit and Jared is beginning to think maybe he shouldn’t have asked. He assumed Jensen would be doing a bit better, otherwise he probably wouldn’t have been ready enough to visit Jared in the first place, but maybe this was still a sore subject for the man. Maybe talking about it was too hard. If that was the case Jared wouldn’t push him, he didn’t want to do anything to make Jensen feel uncomfortable, no matter how much he may want to know what his state of mind is like these days.
“I guess that would depend on your definition of better,” Jensen replies with a wry smile before Jared can retract his question and he’s sort of glad he didn’t get the chance. “It’s been a struggle for me, some days harder than others. I’ve uh, well I’ve been seeing a psychologist.” Jensen raises his chin a little, the move a little defiant, like he’s refusing to be ashamed of this. Shame is the last thing Jared thinks Jensen should feel.
“I think that’s a very good thing, I’m glad you have someone to talk to about things, give you some perspective and advice…” Jared trails off, feeling stupid for his words because really, how does one respond to something like that and not worry about saying the wrong thing? He’s truly glad Jensen has sought out professional help but he’s worried he didn’t sound sincere enough.
Jensen just smiles, though Jared suspects it’s more because of Jared’s awkwardness than the words themselves. “I didn’t want to at first but I’m glad I did. He helped me a lot, to come to terms with what happened and get it all off my chest. Talking to someone not really connected to it and all that. It was easier somehow.” He shrugs a little, giving a small smile.
“I’m not a hundred percent better,” he warns Jared like it was necessary, and maybe it was on some level but in all honesty Jared hadn’t expected him to be. But he’s making progress, he thinks to himself. “Holding hands in public and anything like that still freaks me out,” he whispers this, like he’s almost afraid someone will overhear him and this makes Jared’s heart break a little, it’s painful to see this once strong person so cautious, so afraid. He can only hope it won’t always be like this.
“I’m not going to push you for anything you’re not ready for Jen,” he tells him after a moment, not allowing himself to think about the possibility that Jensen may never be ready. One step at a time, that’s his motto now.
Jensen gives him another smile. “I know you won’t, and I appreciate that Jay. I know this can’t be easy, and it’s not fair to you.”
“I don’t care about me Jen,” he says immediately and continues when Jensen opens his mouth to protest. “I would love to hold your hand and kiss you in public but I don’t necessarily need that. Just being with you, even behind closed doors, is enough for me. Having you in my life is the most important thing to me Jen, that’s what matters.”
Jensen appears to be speechless for his mouth is gaping open like he wants to say something but can’t find the words. Jared can’t help but blush slightly but he keeps his eyes locked with Jensen’s, hoping his sincerity is clear on his face. The message must have been received because Jensen is smiling now and looks relieved. “God, I love you,” bursts out of him and even he seems to be surprised by this.
They still have their issues to work out, hurts to be mended, but the fact still remains that they love each other and that hasn’t changed, no matter what they’ve been through. Jared is still a little hurt over being pushed away, has his own issues to deal with as far as that’s concerned, and he’s sure Jensen has his own as well. But he loves Jensen, cares about him in ways he’s never cared about anyone else, and to not at least try to find their way back to each other would be a mistake he doesn’t want to make. He has no delusions, he knows it won’t be easy. Trust needs to be rebuilt and Jensen’s still dealing with the aftermath of the attack, not to mention their relationship was on the rocks long before that, but he wants to try to fix things. That is, if Jensen is willing to give them another try.
Jared just grins goofily though, like all his birthdays came at once. “I hope you don’t think I’m pushing but would you have dinner with me tonight?”
His breath catches in his throat when Jensen seems to close down in front of him, nervous eyes glancing this way and that, closing his eyes sadly. Jared already knows what Jensen is going to say even before he opens his mouth to speak but Jared beats him to the punch. “Before you say anything, yes I am proposing a date but I would never ask for you to publicly hold my hand or anything. I already told you I wouldn’t and I meant that.” With that said Jared takes a breath and smiles a bit unsurely. “I was thinking something more private, just you and me.”
Jensen’s eyes bore into Jared’s as he sits perfectly still, the look in his eyes is one of contemplation though so Jared forces himself to keep looking back and does his best not to fidget or get impatient for an answer. Turns out he isn’t left waiting for too long as a soft smile blossoms on Jensen’s face and that is all the answer Jared needs.
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Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.
-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-Eight:
Coming Back to You
-~*~-
The heat of Los Angeles hits him in the face the moment he steps out of the car but it’s welcomed. It just feels so good to be back in California, in the same state as Jared, after all this time. The time spent apart without much communication leaves Jensen feeling nervous but there’s also anticipation building in his gut and the feeling is good as well.
He is hoping his presence will be well received, that Jared will be happy to see him, but he’s not expecting anything. He knows Jared will likely be upset with him and he won’t blame him if he is, he knows he deserves it. But he is ready to face whatever awaits him as far as Jared is concerned, and his friends as well, who he has neglected for far too long.
I haven’t been a very good friend to any of them lately, he acknowledges solemnly, vowing to try his best to make amends as soon as possible.
The walk to the dorm rooms is longer than he remembers it to be, his newly acquired limp making the trudge down the hallways different and leaving him feeling a bit self-conscious. He has had time to get used to it, the few times he went into town back home, but it’s still new and he’s trying to get used to it.
“Stop worrying, no one’s looking at you like you’re some freak show,” Josh speaks up from beside him and Jensen sends him a grateful smile and nods his head.
“I know that, deep down, it’s just hard for my brain to process it sometimes. It’s so noticeable to me that it’s hard to believe it’s not the first thing people see,” he admits with a slight shrug, knowing he’s probably being ridiculous but not really able to help it.
“You only notice it so much ‘cause you’re so insecure about it, but trust me Jen, it’s not that noticeable.”
Jensen knows his brother is downplaying it a bit, it is noticeable, just maybe not as much as Jensen believes it to be. Anyone that knows him will likely take notice to it right away, but when he gives himself a second to think about it he knows his friends won’t look upon him with judgment and that makes him feel a little better. I just don’t want any pity either.
Before long they are standing in front of Jensen’s dorm room and Jensen lets them in, Josh carrying most of Jensen’s luggage. Will looks up the moment Jensen’s steps into the room and quickly rises to his feet, moving to help Josh. “How was the ride in?” He directs this question to Jensen who is dropping what little he had in his arms down onto his bed.
“Uncomfortable at times but not as bad as I was expecting,” he answers with a smile as he moves to sit down, opting to lie back at the last minute, sighing when his body is finally able to relax.
“That’s good…” Will trails off, looking as though he wants to say something more but is unable to think of anything.
Jensen sighs with a shake of his head. “It’s okay Will, just ask.”
His roommate seems relieved to have been given permission, the expression on his face saying it all. “How are you doing? When I heard what happened… I just couldn’t believe it. I would have called, checked in on you, but I didn’t know how to reach you.”
Jensen smiles a bit as he pushes himself into a seated position. He and Will never really had the time to hang out and get to know each other properly but even despite that they did have enough time to get comfortable with one another, enough to even forge somewhat of a friendship. It’s nice to know even his roommate had wondered how he was doing and even had thought to get in touch with him. He might not know Will as well as he should, considering they’re roommates, but he knows the guy is a nice person and someone he could be good friends with given enough time.
“I’m doing better than I was, have made progress…” he isn’t quite sure what else to say, how much he’s willing to reveal, but Will seems placated by this answer and Jensen figures that’s all he really needs to know. Maybe one day he’ll give more details, maybe he won’t, but for now this is enough. “It’s just good to be back here, to be ready to get back to my life.”
“It’s good to have you back, it’s been weird here without you.”
Jensen quirks an eyebrow at this. “Don’t you spend most of your time at Bethany’s anyway?”
“Yeah but you know what I mean,” Will waves his hand dismissively, rolling his eyes and getting a grin from Jensen.
“Given the fact that my brother has no manners I guess I’m just gonna have to introduce myself,” Josh pushes himself into the conversation, sending a playful glare Jensen’s way before holding his hand out to Will. “I’m Josh.”
This gets a snickering laugh from his roommate, who shakes Josh’s hand with a friendly smile lighting his amused face. “Cool to meet ya Josh, I’m your brother’s roommate, Will.”
“It’s nice to meet you too.” Josh responds in kind, briefly shaking his hand before stepping back and taking a seat on Jensen’s desk chair. “Either of you hungry? I’ve been driving for hours and have worked up an appetite, plus it’d be nice to spend a bit more time with you before I have to head back home.”
“There’s a Denny’s just a couple of blocks from here, we could go there if that’s cool with you. I’m craving eggs and hash browns.” Jensen replies as he rises to his feet and makes sure he has his keys and wallet on hand.
“I don’t care where we go as long as the food is good,” Josh answers as he climbs to his feet once more and looks at Will. “You’re more than welcome to join us, would be nice to get to know you a little bit.”
“Sounds good, I’ve got nowhere I need to be until later this afternoon,” Will says as they walk to the door and head out.
As Jensen shuts and locks the door behind him, he makes a mental note to get in touch with his friends as soon as he gets back, to let them know he’s back in town and hoping they’d like to get together sometime. A little paranoid part inside is scared they won’t want to hear from him, will be mad at him for cutting off contact with him, but he knows he can’t avoid them forever. He doesn’t want to. He’s missed his friends so badly, he just hopes they still want to be his friend after everything he’s done, not just to them but to Jared as well.
He knows he’s probably being ridiculous but it’s an irrational fear he hasn’t been able to shake, despite the many reassurances from Dr. Johnson. He just hates the thought of them being upset with him. But the thought of approaching Jared, talking to him face to face after all this time, is far more terrifying and that’s not something he’s going to put off. He plans to track Jared down today, the first chance he gets, and making that first step to reaching out to him. He can only hope he won’t be turned away.
:0Ж0:
Right after his lunch with Will and his brother, Jensen saw Josh off, hugging him extra tight and silently wishing his brother hadn’t needed to leave so soon. Josh had promised to call often though and come back down to visit as soon as he could and that had to be enough for Jensen.
Immediately after Josh left Jensen returned to his room and called Sophia, not wanting to let himself put it off any longer than necessary. Now he sat on his bed with Sophia sitting on his desk chair and Chad standing, looking for all the world like he didn’t know how to act. Jensen wasn’t sure what his friends were thinking, couldn’t judge it based on the blank looks on their faces but he did his best to smile and tell them he’s missed them.
“You could have called,” Sophia finally speaks after a long silence, looking at him almost accusingly and it makes Jensen feel like a heel. “We’re your friends Jen, we love you, an update now and then would have been appreciated.”
Jensen bites down on his lip hard. He’d known this conversation wouldn’t be easy though, knew he had a lot of making up to do. “I’ve been a bad friend, I know that, and I’m sorry for not calling. I don’t really have a good excuse for cutting you all off the way I did. I just… I wasn’t in a good state of mind back then, and I was selfish, too self absorbed to think about anyone else’s feelings.”
“Look, Jen, I’m not trying to put any blame on you or make you feel guilty. Lord knows you had enough to deal with after…” Sophia can’t seem to bring herself to say the word and in the end decides not to, visibly swallowing hard before continuing. “I’m just saying we missed you, that we’ve been worried sick about you. I’m glad you’re back and you seem to be doing okay. You are, right? You’re doing better?”
“I still feel bad about how I went about things with you guys, I didn’t mean to pull away from anyone, but yeah I am doing better now. I… well, I still have a long ways to go before I let go and move on from what happened but I’m doing much better than I was at the beginning of the year.” He looks up to find Sophia watching him with hopeful eyes, relief shinning through when his words register. “I’ve missed everyone so much, didn’t truly realize how much until the prospect of coming home came up.”
“We’re just glad you’re home.” Sophia gives a genuine smile as she rises to her feet and crosses the space between them to pull him into a hug. “Expect to be smothered for the next few days.”
Jensen laughs quietly at that and just nods his head. He hadn’t been sure how his friends would react but he’s glad to see things have been mended with Sophia. “I, uh, I need to see Jared. Do either of you know where he is?” He asks once Sophia lets him go and he moves to stand up.
“Where Jared’s always at, ever since he came back from Texas,” Chad finally breaks his silence. He’d been oddly quiet since he walked into the room, which is just strange behavior for him. The look he sends Jensen tells him the blonde isn’t altogether happy with him though and, considering Jared’s his best friend, Jensen can easily understand why. “He’s at Providence Books, working his ass off to keep his mind off of you.”
“Chad!” Sophia speaks up, warningly, but Jensen just holds up his hand.
“No Soph, it’s okay, he’s right. I haven’t done right by Jared either, and I’m gonna try my damnedest to fix things with him. That may not be easy but I’ve gotta try. He deserves an explanation, as well as an apology.”
Chad stares at him for a long moment, seemingly trying to judge his sincerity. He must like whatever he sees displayed on Jensen’s face, however, because the expression on his face morphs into something softer and the tiniest hint of a smile is pulling at the corner of his lips. He gives a nod of his head a second later and breaches the space between them, pulling Jensen in an embrace.
The move is unexpected and leaves Jensen in a bit of a state of shock. Chad isn’t exactly the type to initiate hugs much less full on embraces like this one, he’s more of a one armed hug kind of guy, so it takes Jensen a moment to reciprocate.
“I’m really glad you’re okay dude. Can honestly say you scared the shit out of me,” Chad’s whispered confession hits Jensen’s ear, leaving him a bit choked up with emotion. He hugs his friend just a bit tighter to show his appreciation before releasing him and taking a small step back, small smile fixed on his face. “I’m not gonna give you a hard time about anything, all I’m gonna say is you get your ass down to that book store and fix things with my boy, he’s a mess without you.”
“I’m certainly gonna do my best,” is Jensen’s grinning response.
:0Ж0:
Pulling up to the curb outside of Providence Books, Jensen pays the fare and steps out of the taxi. Staring into the building from the windows outside he can easily make out Jared standing by the front registers of the coffee shop area, head down and turned slightly away, though Jensen can see his features quite clearly.
Chad hadn’t been kidding, there are some noticeable differences about Jared that are hard to miss. He is normally the happy-go-lucky type, with a smile always one his face, goofing off with his fellow co-workers and filled with enthusiasm. Now, however, he’s subdued and looks as though the weight of the world rests upon his shoulders.
It is such a foreign sight to Jensen that it leaves him feeling uncomfortable, a painful tightening in his stomach. He just can’t believe he’s the cause of this, for Jared looking so miserable. It’d been easy back in Texas to think that Jared was handling this alright, maybe not with ease, but with the help of their friends Jensen had been sure Jared wouldn’t be dwelling on it too much.
You should’ve known better, a tiny voice speaks up and deep down he’d known he’d been fooling himself. He wanted to believe Jared was okay, just so it’d be easier on himself, less guilt that way. It hadn’t exactly worked anyway, he’d been guilt ridden the whole time he was separated from the shaggy haired man.
Just seeing him now, having him within reach, is like a balm to a wound he hadn’t realized was there. Jared may not be looking his best, and it makes him feel a little bad for putting the younger man through this, but that doesn’t matter. He is still so damn relieved to see Jared again, is allowing himself to feel just how much he’s missed him. He can’t begin to understand how he could have possibly stayed away as long as he did.
Taking a deep breath, to both calm his nerves and build up some courage, Jensen reaches out for the door handle and steps inside the air-conditioned shop. Jared doesn’t look up at the bell, signaling a customer, and Jensen’s sort of grateful for that. He’s a little nervous about how Jared will react when he sees him. There’s bound to be some discomfort and tension. He’s not looking forward to that but he also knows they can’t avoid it.
He stops just a few steps into the building, unable to get his legs to move another step. Now that he’s here he realizes he hadn’t been prepared, didn’t think about what he was going to say the moment they were standing face to face. What can he possibly say to Jared now after all this time of separation, all the hurt he caused. What if things are broken beyond repair? What will he do then?
:0Ж0:
Jared starts off the day just as he’s done for the past however many months since he’s been back in California. The days blend together, and if it weren’t for his work schedule and classes he wouldn’t be too sure how many months has passed since he last saw or heard from Jensen.
He attends his classes in the morning, getting through them with only a portion of the attention he should be giving them. Then he heads off to work for his shift, getting lost in his tasks and not giving himself too much time to think.
Each day passes by in much the same fashion, with random visits with his friends thrown into the mix. It’s not ideal but he’s managing and that’s the whole point. Right now he needs distractions, needs to keep himself moving otherwise his mind will wander to Jensen and the fact that he’s so utterly confused as to where he stands with him.
He knows Jensen said it was over between them but he’s not altogether sure that Jensen meant it. He realizes Jensen needed time and for whatever reason he needed that time spent away from Jared but whether that means their relationship is truly over? He doesn’t know. He just can’t help thinking that this can’t be the end, this can’t be the way things were meant to turn out. They haven’t had an easy relationship, he knows, but he believes they’re meant to be together and he just can’t bring himself to let go.
How can I possibly let go when it feels like there’s so much left to hang on to? Moving on just doesn’t seem like an option to him, but biding his time until he talks to Jensen again is a better solution. At least in his mind, it is.
I’m setting myself up to be let down, he internally realizes but is unaware of a way to stop.
“Do you think I should start looking for my own place?” The words fly out of his mouth before he even knew he was going to say them and Steve looks up from the notebook in front of him to look at Jared curiously.
“Why are you asking that? You know you’re welcome here for as long as you want to stay,” he says with a befuddled expression on his features. “We haven’t given you an impression otherwise, have we?”
Jared immediately shakes his head. “No it’s not what either of you have done or implied, I know you’d let me stay here, I was just thinking maybe it’s time I look into finding myself a place. I make good money, it’s not like I couldn’t find a place I could afford. You know, have my own space and whatnot.” He pauses in thought, hoping he hasn’t offended his friend, and then gives a shrug. “I just think it’d be nice to have my own place, is all.”
“If that’s what you want to do than you know I support you, but in the meantime you are more than welcome here. Take your time finding a place you like, there’s no rush.”
Jared smiles gratefully and gives a nod, knowing his friend is right but also thankful for the support. He knows it might take some time to find a decent place that he can afford if he just looks hard enough. That’s not to say he doesn’t like staying here with Chris and Steve, it’s nice having his friends there for company, but at the same time he’d like to find a more permanent solution. Because while he does feel comfortable here, he still feels like a guest and that’s gonna get old soon.
:0Ж0:
Jared brought a hand up to cover a yawn as he made his way into Providence Books, ready to get to work after his last class of the day. It probably wasn’t all that healthy, spending a large percentage of his time between classes and work, but it served as a nice distraction, something to keep him busy, so he took whatever shift he could.
Jensen wasn’t there like he had grown so accustomed to, his absence stuck out like a sore thumb, and that made focusing on his studies harder than he wanted it to be. A few weeks after returning to California, moping and struggling to find a balance in his life, Tom had suggested that maybe he needed to get himself out of his room and do something with himself.
He’d known his friend was right, between work and his school studies to focus on, any distraction he could get was appreciated at that point because he was missing Jensen awfully bad. He still was but keeping himself busy helped quite a bit.
“You look beat,” is Genevieve’s greeting when he reaches the back room, a small hole in the wall room that their boss liked to call the employee’s lounge. “Did you not sleep well at all last night?”
Jared rolls his eyes but the smile on his face is genuine, albeit amused. “I don’t get much sleep these days actually. You’d think my body would be used to the program by now.” He shakes his head with a soundless laugh and gives her a ‘what are you gonna do?’ shrug of his shoulders as he stores his things away, what little he brought with him anyway.
With a shake of her head, she gives him a slightly exasperated expression. “You keep that up and you’ll burn out real quick, just you wait and see.” She points at him with a mock-stern look on her face but even though she’s just teasing he knows that she is right. He really does need more sleep than he has been getting but that’s a lot easier said than done, it isn’t like he has a choice one way or the other.
“Well, it’s not like I choose not to get much sleep but thanks for the lecture Gen.” He gives her a grin to show he is just responding to her teasing. “What are you doing back here anyway? Shouldn’t you be making coffee? You know, your job.”
Genevieve raises a neatly plucked brow and rolls her eyes. “I swear, with how many times you tell me to get back to work one would assume you think you’re my boss or something.” She laughs a bit and jumps down for the table she’d been sitting on. He swears she must have an aversion to chairs or something because he never sees her actually use one, she usually opts for tables and counters.
“I don’t think you could handle having me as your boss ‘cause then you’d actually have to work!” He calls after her in good humor, laughing outwardly when she flips him off as she walks out of the room.
:0Ж0:
Jared’s afternoon shift passes by at a slow crawl but he doesn’t mind it all that much. The work here really isn’t all that hard and even if he hadn’t had to work today he likely would have ended up here at some point anyway. He comes here often just to pass the time, doing his best to get lost in a book rather than his own head. It is better that way, to focus on a good story rather than his life which, to him, seems to be in shambles.
And okay that might be rather melodramatic for him but still, his life isn’t the picture of happiness. His friends keep telling him that things could be worse but he’s failing to see how that could be possible. He has been in full on sulk-mode since Jensen broke up with him and it’s been tough to see the good in anything.
Jared sighs as he rises to his feet, knees popping as he stands up. He’s finished organizing the shelf of books and now he basically just has to make himself look busy if Jeff happens to pass by. Not that Jeff will be upset if he finds Jared standing around talking to Genevieve of course but even so Jeff makes it a point to tell everyone that he doesn’t pay them to stand around and look pretty, even when they don’t technically have anything to do around the store.
“Been kind of a slow day,” Jared remarks as he approaches the counter Genevieve’s standing behind, looking just as bored as he feels.
She gives him a raised eyebrow. “And this surprises you?” She asks almost incredulously and Jared has to admit she has a point. The quaint little shop may be holding its own but it mostly gets by on it’s loyal customers and the few random people, like Jared, who happen to come across it and get curious.
“You’re kind of right though, it’s been slower than normal,” she concedes with a quiet sigh. “I kind of wish it’d pick up a little, I’m bored as fuck!”
“I don’t know, I kind of like it,” he shrugs and ignores the sarcastic “You would,” he gets in response for it. “Wouldn’t mind if Jeff would give me something to do though, I’ve already organized everything and offered help to a few customers. Right now I’d even tackle sweeping just to keep moving.”
Genevieve nods sympathetically, she knows what it’s like when you have nothing to do, you tend to get lazy and tired.
“So hey, I was kind of curious about something,” she starts off casually but just from that sentence alone Jared can’t help but look at her suspiciously, cautious, because he gets the feeling nothing good is going to come from it. “I’ve got this friend, who’s single and looking to get back in the dating pool, and I was wondering if you’re in a relationship or not.”
Jared blinks, uncomfortable with the question because he isn’t quite sure how to answer. He’s not technically in a relationship but he is still holding out hope for him and Jensen, he isn’t about to go on a date with someone else. He wouldn’t even if he knew there was no chance of him getting back with Jensen, he’s just not ready for anything like that. But how does he put that to her without bringing up the whole Jensen situation?
Genevieve raises an eyebrow when he fails to respond and he knows he has to speak now before she gets any more curious. He clears his throat uncomfortably and shifts where he stands. “It’s complicated,” is the response he decides to go with and sighs inwardly when she rolls her eyes at him. He is thankful when she doesn’t press the issue though, like he’d feared she would.
“Alright, if you say so,” she shakes her head and looks over his shoulder for a moment before turning her eyes back to him, a playful grin forming on her face as she leans in. “Not sure if you’re into guys at all, though I’ve always kind of suspected you were, but you have an admirer behind you. He’s had his eyes on you ever since he walked through the door, and I gotta say he’s pretty easy on the eyes.” She motions with her head to look over his shoulder and while he doesn’t care if he’s being checked out by some guy right now, it’s curiosity that has him turning his head around.
His breath just kind of catches in his throat and lodges there. Timid green eyes flash up to meet his and just like that Jared can breathe again. A breathy whisper of Jensen’s name leaves his lips, gaining Genevieve’s attention, he can feel her curious stare burning a hole in the side of his head but he ignores her completely as he moves and doesn’t stop until he’s standing right in front of Jensen.
Jensen looks nervous as he raises his head to meet Jared’s eyes, seemingly unable to break eye contact any more than Jared can. He has to fight to urge to reach out and touch Jensen, just to be sure he’s there and not a cruel figment of his imagination. Instead he gestures to the table and chairs to the right of them, taking a seat and planting his hands firmly on the table. Jensen joins him a second later.
The silence drags on between them for a couple of seconds longer, neither of them knowing what to say to the other but unable to take their eyes off of one another either. Jared is still getting over the shock of seeing Jensen again, his brain doing its best to process the fact that he is actually there, sitting right across from him. For a while he was beginning to think Jensen would never come back to California, to him. But here he is and Jared can’t find his damn voice much less all the things he’d planned to say once he was face to face with Jensen again.
“I um, Chad told me where to find you,” Jensen speaks quietly and Jared is grateful that one of them could start the conversation. “I kept trying to think of a way to approach you but I was afraid you might not want to see me.”
Jared can’t help it, it is just such a ridiculous thought that he has to laugh. Jensen’s face falls at the sound though and Jared quickly calms himself, shaking his head. “Of course I would want to see you, Jen. Why the hell wouldn’t I?” He can’t help how incredulous he sounds but this time Jensen doesn’t take it as a bad sign.
Jensen looks down at the table, taking a deep breath as he fidgets in his seat. “It’s been months since I’ve talked to you, or tried to, so I… I don’t know, I thought you might be upset by that.” Jensen looks up at him again and Jared can clearly see the worry in his eyes. Despite the fact that Jared basically is happy to see him, Jensen still had doubt.
“Not going to lie and say it was easy for me, and there were days where I was angry at you, but I know you’ve been through a lot Jensen. Sure, seeing you again and hearing from you was something I really wanted, but the last thing I was going to do was be selfish. You had said you needed time and space and that’s what I told myself I’d give to you.” He doesn’t mention that his hope of seeing Jensen again diminished gradually each day, he doesn’t need to know that.
Jensen flushes slightly in embarrassment and looks down again. “Sorry, I guess I’ve been doubting things a lot lately, worried and nervous, more so than usual anyway.” He gives a halfhearted shrug and laughs awkwardly. Jared has to laugh too but only because Jensen never really came off as the nervous type to him, at least not to the extent Jensen is implying.
“You shouldn’t have worried Jen, I’m glad to see you. Hell, I’m glad you were ready to see me.” He smiles, wanting to reach across the table and touch but knowing Jensen might not be ready for that has him keeping his hands to himself. “Are you doing better?”
Jensen seems to take a moment to consider this question, growing quiet for a bit and Jared is beginning to think maybe he shouldn’t have asked. He assumed Jensen would be doing a bit better, otherwise he probably wouldn’t have been ready enough to visit Jared in the first place, but maybe this was still a sore subject for the man. Maybe talking about it was too hard. If that was the case Jared wouldn’t push him, he didn’t want to do anything to make Jensen feel uncomfortable, no matter how much he may want to know what his state of mind is like these days.
“I guess that would depend on your definition of better,” Jensen replies with a wry smile before Jared can retract his question and he’s sort of glad he didn’t get the chance. “It’s been a struggle for me, some days harder than others. I’ve uh, well I’ve been seeing a psychologist.” Jensen raises his chin a little, the move a little defiant, like he’s refusing to be ashamed of this. Shame is the last thing Jared thinks Jensen should feel.
“I think that’s a very good thing, I’m glad you have someone to talk to about things, give you some perspective and advice…” Jared trails off, feeling stupid for his words because really, how does one respond to something like that and not worry about saying the wrong thing? He’s truly glad Jensen has sought out professional help but he’s worried he didn’t sound sincere enough.
Jensen just smiles, though Jared suspects it’s more because of Jared’s awkwardness than the words themselves. “I didn’t want to at first but I’m glad I did. He helped me a lot, to come to terms with what happened and get it all off my chest. Talking to someone not really connected to it and all that. It was easier somehow.” He shrugs a little, giving a small smile.
“I’m not a hundred percent better,” he warns Jared like it was necessary, and maybe it was on some level but in all honesty Jared hadn’t expected him to be. But he’s making progress, he thinks to himself. “Holding hands in public and anything like that still freaks me out,” he whispers this, like he’s almost afraid someone will overhear him and this makes Jared’s heart break a little, it’s painful to see this once strong person so cautious, so afraid. He can only hope it won’t always be like this.
“I’m not going to push you for anything you’re not ready for Jen,” he tells him after a moment, not allowing himself to think about the possibility that Jensen may never be ready. One step at a time, that’s his motto now.
Jensen gives him another smile. “I know you won’t, and I appreciate that Jay. I know this can’t be easy, and it’s not fair to you.”
“I don’t care about me Jen,” he says immediately and continues when Jensen opens his mouth to protest. “I would love to hold your hand and kiss you in public but I don’t necessarily need that. Just being with you, even behind closed doors, is enough for me. Having you in my life is the most important thing to me Jen, that’s what matters.”
Jensen appears to be speechless for his mouth is gaping open like he wants to say something but can’t find the words. Jared can’t help but blush slightly but he keeps his eyes locked with Jensen’s, hoping his sincerity is clear on his face. The message must have been received because Jensen is smiling now and looks relieved. “God, I love you,” bursts out of him and even he seems to be surprised by this.
They still have their issues to work out, hurts to be mended, but the fact still remains that they love each other and that hasn’t changed, no matter what they’ve been through. Jared is still a little hurt over being pushed away, has his own issues to deal with as far as that’s concerned, and he’s sure Jensen has his own as well. But he loves Jensen, cares about him in ways he’s never cared about anyone else, and to not at least try to find their way back to each other would be a mistake he doesn’t want to make. He has no delusions, he knows it won’t be easy. Trust needs to be rebuilt and Jensen’s still dealing with the aftermath of the attack, not to mention their relationship was on the rocks long before that, but he wants to try to fix things. That is, if Jensen is willing to give them another try.
Jared just grins goofily though, like all his birthdays came at once. “I hope you don’t think I’m pushing but would you have dinner with me tonight?”
His breath catches in his throat when Jensen seems to close down in front of him, nervous eyes glancing this way and that, closing his eyes sadly. Jared already knows what Jensen is going to say even before he opens his mouth to speak but Jared beats him to the punch. “Before you say anything, yes I am proposing a date but I would never ask for you to publicly hold my hand or anything. I already told you I wouldn’t and I meant that.” With that said Jared takes a breath and smiles a bit unsurely. “I was thinking something more private, just you and me.”
Jensen’s eyes bore into Jared’s as he sits perfectly still, the look in his eyes is one of contemplation though so Jared forces himself to keep looking back and does his best not to fidget or get impatient for an answer. Turns out he isn’t left waiting for too long as a soft smile blossoms on Jensen’s face and that is all the answer Jared needs.
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