I am afraid that I have been chipping away parts of my personality, piece by piece, since this year has begun. I have uncovered this new part of myself that I do not identify with. I've been pretending that when I do things that I know are wrong that it really isn't me doing them. It is this new girl who lives life in the moment, but in a dangerous ( Read more... )

Last night I leaned over the clean white counters of my bathroom, dry heaving and staring at glassy eyes that refused to cry. At that moment I was mostly regretting eating pizza three times over two days, drinking two cokes after having cut soda out almost completely since August, and finishing it all off by downing a red bull only to come home to ( Read more... )

As I kissed Ryan on my bed yesterday afternoon; the same bed where Chris kissed me on the side of my mouth for the "first" time, the same bed where the Super Bowl Sunday before Josh broke up with me as I cried and kissed my forehead for the final time; I knew I was at that crossroads again. There I was willingly handing over my heart to a new boy. ( Read more... )

The trick was to take what each could give you and build a world from it.

"The sun rose for all of us today but for me it meant more than most sunrises of my near 24  20 years. It meant that this year had past and a new one had begun. It meant that the wires were undone and the scars were just scars and yes; that it's time to move on. In this year I ( Read more... )

february 24, 2008-january 6, 2009

all i want to know is at one point did i stop being enough?
here's to 2009

"It's never something huge that changes everything, but instead the tiniest of details, irrevocably tweaking the balance of the universe while you're busy focusing on the big picture."

2009

I find the map and draw a straight line ( Read more... )

Tonight as I drove Chris home, he looked at me and said, "You really love me...". He had this look in his eyes as if he was realizing this for the first time. As if he finally realized that what I had been saying all these months actually carried weight with it. It really caught me off guard, I just looked at him curiously and replied with a "yes" ( Read more... )

Honest to blog, I really HATE having head aches every single day. It feels like my head is going to explode. It feels like there is pressure on my brain. I don't even bother to take any medication at all anymore because it doesn't help. The only medication that helps is the heavier pain medications prescribed to me, but I save those for the really ( Read more... )

I was so wrong about everything. I've never felt worse than this.