That trapped place, between feeling and desire.
I arched my back as her fingertips grazed lightly over my nipples, loving the tickly sensation while wanting more. Our sex was delightful, but lately I’d been feeling an ache. Not so much dissatisfaction as a feeling of being stuck.
Oh well, there was no time like the present.
“Baby?” I sat up, bringing my face on a level with hers.
“Yes, my love?”
“I want-“ I was struggling for words: “I want more.”
“More?” She arched her elegant black eyebrows, running her piano-players’ fingers over my collarbones.
Again, I was lost in the mystery and beauty of this woman sitting by me, naked in my bed, in my room, in my house. How could I want more from her?
Yet, as perfect as we were, as sublime the sex, as freeing the reality of being with someone who truly matched my desires after years of conforming to a heterosexist society’s expectations, I still felt like my wings were clipped.
“I need-“ I tried again: “I need--to feel more. I….”
Pulling back from her, I hugged myself, surprised at how hard this was, surprised by the tears dappling my lashes. Usually, I had no problem saying what I wanted in bed.
“Oh, sweetheart, please don’t cry. I don’t understand…but please….” Her voice cracked and she slid over to sit next to me, draping an arm around my shoulders and hugging me into her.
Inhaling deeply, I peeked at her from between my lashes.
“I’m afraid you’ll hate me.”
“hate you?” Her laugh was incredulous. “really, sweetness, what do you need. You know I’ll do anything.”
“It’s…it’s not that I don’t like our sex…it’s…it’s…Do you remember the erotica book I was reading last month?”
“The lesbian BDSM one?”
I nodded, grateful for the sheet of hair that flipped over my face so I wouldn’t have to meet her suddenly intent gaze head on.
“Oh…” her voice held the slow, thoughtful tone she uses when she’s puzzling over a grant proposal for the LBGT centre where she works. “So you want…”
She flipped my hair back out of my face and turned me, with a finger under my chin, to look at her.
Though her lips were still pursed thoughtfully, a new gleam had entered her eyes.
“tell me.” She prompted.
“I want…to feel. When you lick my cunt, it’s wonderful. When you play with my nipples its exquisite! I could snuggle you all day, clothes or no clothes. I love having my hand inside you. But it’s as if…as if I feel stuck, trapped inside me. When I come, there’s a part of me that isn’t…isn’t engaged.” My words tumbled out. I felt lost.”….I want to feel all of it…at once.”
“So, you want me to do more than one thing to you at once?”
“Ummm, yes-sort of-I mean… I want to feel…less…” I snapped my fingers and my words came out in a rush: “yes, I want to feel like I don’t know what’s coming next.”
“Honey, are you asking me to top you?”
“I…I guess. I don’t know.”
Scooting around on the bed, she faced me and took my hands in hers. “I’ve never wanted-“ she resumed in a thoughtful tone: “to reproduce the patriarchal model of someone giving and someone taking, someone deciding and someone being decided for.”
“Oh, honey, I understand. Don’t worry about it…It was just an idea. You know I love the way we do things. You’re the sexiest person I’ve ever… I’m sorry I….”
“Did I say I wouldn’t do it?” She reached behind me, gathering my silky dark hair together at the roots and tugging lightly.
“I asked you a question.” Still holding my hair, she lightly scratched the back of my neck with her nails. Her words, and the pressure of her hand curled fire around my belly.
“No…no you didn’t say that.”
“No, no I didn’t. What I was going to say before you interrupted me like a silly girl was that I know we don’t have to play that old game. I won’t be your top…but I will be your lover who fulfills all of your desires. I can carry you away on a sex haze--make you forget where you are, who you are, what you want--and still be your equal.”
I just looked at her. She knew what I wanted-maybe; she was willing to give it to me-but could she?
“How? … Can you--? You will? Just like that?”
“You doubt me?” her chuckle was playful, but her hand tightened on my hair, pulling a little harder than before. “You think I haven’t noticed the way you shiver when I hold your hands just so, the way your eyes roll back in your head when I bite your neck? You think I didn’t feel you squirming in bed while you were reading that book? You think I don’t know how much you love trying new things?”
Suddenly, this felt all too real. “I-just don’t know. You can…?”
“Yes you know. I just told you. You know I’m a woman of action. Now, you’re going to tell me exactly what you want, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll do it.”
In spite of myself, I started to laugh.
“I’m waaaaiting!” But your lips were twitching, and your forehead had smoothed out from its worry and concentration lines.
So I told her, I told her about how I ached for her to tease and squeeze my nipples until I was writhing. I told her how I wanted to feel her body against mine, her hands and mouth all over me at once. I told her that I wanted to hear her voice, feel her, smell her-not to be consumed by her but enveloped. I told her that I wanted to feel but I didn’t know what that meant.
And she, in turn, listened, stroking my arms, my back, my stomach, my face, my breasts, ever so slowly, ever so lightly. It was the most exquisite torture. With my eyes squeezed shut, and my body shuddering, I went into great detail about the warmth and wetness between my legs, hoping she might take the hint.
She did…much later, after she’d retraced every spot on my body with her nails, sometimes light, sometimes not-so-light, after I was nearly in tears, not for fear of her response, but for the sheer intensity, and my utter gratitude. She did make it to that wetness, stroking, lightly flicking, sliding one, then two, then four, fingers inside as she guided my hand down to my clit.
“It’s time.” Her words were soft, but sure; she gripped my free hand with hers, holding fast. And my fingers flew over the outside of my clit, as hers slowly danced and probed inside…and I came, flying, fully realized, no longer trapped between want and desire.
This has been my entry for week 5 of therealljidol