Thoughts and memories
Another time
Another place
Will you ever look
Could you ever see?
Looked around
You're still not near
I keep walking
Always looking back
Never knowing if you look back too
Things like this shatter so easily
Here I am
Wondering so far away
Thinking of the other words
The ones you'll never say
Thinking of the other worlds
The ones that will never be
In the mirror, your eyes glare back at me
The flash, the burn, your eyes on me
Thinking of the other words
The ones you'll never say
Over my shoulder
Are you there?
No, because it shatters too easily.
Don't read this if you're looking for a poetic masterpiece. But those are the words that wanted to get out today.
I've been feeling kinda out of it this weekend... Really this past few weeks, but especially this weekend. I'm feeling slightly detached from what's going on. I've been spending a lot of time in my memories. Not even specific ones, just things I remember.
Lying on the trampoline staring up at the stars. "I'll love you longer than those stars will be in the sky"
Listening to parents fight in the basement through the vents in my bedroom. Huddling with my sister scared of what it means if mom and dad are so worried about money that they scream at each other.
Beltaine, the scorpion and the poison.
Kris's basement, with Katie, Kris, Dave, Seth, and Jakob. It seems like another life.
Watching Aladdin with Jeremy.
Watching The Boys climb the walls in Stuart, sneaking them into Jen's room.
My friend Brook when I was five and her moving away.
The Christmas party put on by the foreign lang. clubs in high school. Jen.
Fighting with Anne the first time we lived together
What went wrong in New York.
The band trip sophomore year.
5 people in one bed.
Playing the most beautiful song in the most beautiful place - an old quarry to echo the notes and play along.
Andrew Lehr playing guitar in the hotel at the Key Club convention.
The way she treated my friends and how I never even tried to stop it.
Not being allowed to play because I couldn't remember my multiplication tables.
How I treated David so long ago. How I probably got what I deserved many years later for that.
The first time I saw the mountains.
Watching him sing and play. Knowing better.
Making out in the stairwells at Band Camp.
Sobbing down the trails in the cold at John Byrant.
Skiing with The Trouble-Maker Extraordinaire
All these memories, more too... memories of feelings. Love I felt, Love I pretended, Love I lost, Love I abused, Love returned, Love I hoped for, Love I hid, and Love I broke. Despair with no name. Joy with no cause. Nervousness with no bounds, so bad I threw up.
I don't know what has been stirring these old thoughts and feelings from the places they are supposed to be. The boxes, bags, cabinets and suitcases I keep them in in the back of my mind. Sealed off so I don't have to look at them everyday. The memories spilled out and are all mixed up in my mind now. I remember things out of order, as if something that happened when I was 9 happened right after something that happened 2 years ago. Its a roller coaster that's hard to hold onto. But these memories, the good and bad, the painful and happy are too important to let them lay around. So I guess I'll just have to work on tidying it all back up and putting things where they belong.
Another place
Will you ever look
Could you ever see?
Looked around
You're still not near
I keep walking
Always looking back
Never knowing if you look back too
Things like this shatter so easily
Here I am
Wondering so far away
Thinking of the other words
The ones you'll never say
Thinking of the other worlds
The ones that will never be
In the mirror, your eyes glare back at me
The flash, the burn, your eyes on me
Thinking of the other words
The ones you'll never say
Over my shoulder
Are you there?
No, because it shatters too easily.
Don't read this if you're looking for a poetic masterpiece. But those are the words that wanted to get out today.
I've been feeling kinda out of it this weekend... Really this past few weeks, but especially this weekend. I'm feeling slightly detached from what's going on. I've been spending a lot of time in my memories. Not even specific ones, just things I remember.
Lying on the trampoline staring up at the stars. "I'll love you longer than those stars will be in the sky"
Listening to parents fight in the basement through the vents in my bedroom. Huddling with my sister scared of what it means if mom and dad are so worried about money that they scream at each other.
Beltaine, the scorpion and the poison.
Kris's basement, with Katie, Kris, Dave, Seth, and Jakob. It seems like another life.
Watching Aladdin with Jeremy.
Watching The Boys climb the walls in Stuart, sneaking them into Jen's room.
My friend Brook when I was five and her moving away.
The Christmas party put on by the foreign lang. clubs in high school. Jen.
Fighting with Anne the first time we lived together
What went wrong in New York.
The band trip sophomore year.
5 people in one bed.
Playing the most beautiful song in the most beautiful place - an old quarry to echo the notes and play along.
Andrew Lehr playing guitar in the hotel at the Key Club convention.
The way she treated my friends and how I never even tried to stop it.
Not being allowed to play because I couldn't remember my multiplication tables.
How I treated David so long ago. How I probably got what I deserved many years later for that.
The first time I saw the mountains.
Watching him sing and play. Knowing better.
Making out in the stairwells at Band Camp.
Sobbing down the trails in the cold at John Byrant.
Skiing with The Trouble-Maker Extraordinaire
All these memories, more too... memories of feelings. Love I felt, Love I pretended, Love I lost, Love I abused, Love returned, Love I hoped for, Love I hid, and Love I broke. Despair with no name. Joy with no cause. Nervousness with no bounds, so bad I threw up.
I don't know what has been stirring these old thoughts and feelings from the places they are supposed to be. The boxes, bags, cabinets and suitcases I keep them in in the back of my mind. Sealed off so I don't have to look at them everyday. The memories spilled out and are all mixed up in my mind now. I remember things out of order, as if something that happened when I was 9 happened right after something that happened 2 years ago. Its a roller coaster that's hard to hold onto. But these memories, the good and bad, the painful and happy are too important to let them lay around. So I guess I'll just have to work on tidying it all back up and putting things where they belong.