The stuff between Susan and Ryan seems a little forced. Perhaps it would have been better to leave it as an unrequited crush on Ryan's part, or find a way to make it more natural. I'm usually a fan of the annoyance-turning-to-grudging-admiration-and-maybe-attraction thing, which I think would be more in character for Susan, but this story kinda moved too fast for anything like that to properly develop.
Regarding mechanics (because I nitpick, I can't help it), spaces between paragraphs, rather than just new lines, make things easier to read.
Okay, concrit over. Now for the fun part.
There was no...this boy was... Ryan had no foreskin! Oh god, I can't help it, the word "foreskin" makes me laugh uncontrollably.
Ryan muttered something, and turned pink. Susan wasn’t quite sure she’d heard it right, but she didn’t ask him to repeat it, because she was afraid he’d said something like, “And you have very nice knickers.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
“That’s me. Poise and Rationality.” “Poisoned rationality?”I love you
( ... )
I'd suggest you read a lot of books with Susan in them. Aside with helping you write her if you ever decide to do so again, it'll just be fun. =D If I remember correctly, she's in both Hogfather and Reaper Man, which are two of my (many) favorites.
Yeah, that's how I originally heard it, which is why I loved that.
Thanks. I've read Hogfather (own it) and I'm actually currently reading Reaper Man at the moment. She's in Soul Music as well though, but I won't give away the plot. :) And Thief of Time as well, which I own. I just have a hard time writing someone so practical. :)
Brendon looked down at his own stomach, and then shrugged, slipping the towel from his hips and stepping under the stream of water. “Didn’t see that one coming,” he said casually. ---bwahahaha.
OH, CUTE. oh, Brendon, you and your plays-on-words.:D
i like this. it's more straightforeward that usual, and almost seems like the schematic for a fic, like the outline or the plot arc, and not the story itself, but OMG, Imp as Ryan!!! and i kinf of like the straightforwardness, actually. YAY! keep up the good work! and omg, one last time--Imp as Ryan!
yeah, the second part went maybe too fast, because I wasn't sure if I could sustain it too long. Though of course, in my head, Panic! would follow up at some point by covering "(Don't fear) the reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult...
And as soon as I had the thought, I just knew somehow that Imp as Ryan and vice versa would be fun. :D
Comments 9
Regarding mechanics (because I nitpick, I can't help it), spaces between paragraphs, rather than just new lines, make things easier to read.
Okay, concrit over. Now for the fun part.
There was no...this boy was... Ryan had no foreskin! Oh god, I can't help it, the word "foreskin" makes me laugh uncontrollably.
Ryan muttered something, and turned pink. Susan wasn’t quite sure she’d heard it right, but she didn’t ask him to repeat it, because she was afraid he’d said something like, “And you have very nice knickers.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
“That’s me. Poise and Rationality.”
“Poisoned rationality?”I love you ( ... )
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I couldn't resist the poisoned rationality, as I hear it that way everytime I listen to the song.
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Yeah, that's how I originally heard it, which is why I loved that.
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OH, CUTE. oh, Brendon, you and your plays-on-words.:D
i like this. it's more straightforeward that usual, and almost seems like the schematic for a fic, like the outline or the plot arc, and not the story itself, but OMG, Imp as Ryan!!! and i kinf of like the straightforwardness, actually. YAY! keep up the good work! and omg, one last time--Imp as Ryan!
Reply
And as soon as I had the thought, I just knew somehow that Imp as Ryan and vice versa would be fun. :D
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