In Loneliness
Title: In Loneliness
Author: fai_believes (lj user="slam_girl">
Pairing(s): Draco/Asteria
Word Count: 9,951
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Draco and Asteria find their way to each other.
Beta: queenb23more
Originally written for hp_canon_fest 2009.
I.
Hell is other people. Or at least that was what Draco overhead two Muggles saying in what seemed to be an enthusiastic exchange, one of them shaking a book at the other. That statement seemed a rather fitting explanation for his whole life and current troubles. It would certainly explain why he was sitting in a Muggle café at that moment, killing time until he got on the Muggle tube to his mind-numbing job.
Letting other people determine his life’s course hadn’t done anything for him in the end. What power and prestige he had enjoyed was long gone. Of course, at the time, he had believed that he was on the right path, one that would lead him to success and glory. His parents had expected him to follow their paths; he’d come from a long line of Slytherins who had all espoused the importance of maintaining blood purity. Many people had since said that he'd had a choice, that he could have chosen the good side, but they were wrong. There had never been any choice. Not in his family and certainly not after Voldemort made him a Death Eater. His only other choice was death, for him and his parents, and Draco had never believed there was anything noble about dying for a cause.
There was no other way he could have gone, but that thought gave him little comfort. It didn’t lift any of the seven year restrictions that the Ministry had put on him, that didn’t allow him to leave Great Britain or travel by Apparition, that only allowed use of certain Floo networks and no connection in his home. It didn’t make his shit job any better. He was almost literally a paper-pusher. He processed incoming documents and sent them out to their respective departments. The Ministry had assigned him the job in order to keep tabs on him and keep him from getting into any sort of nefarious activities.
But he supposed it could be worse. He could be stuck in Azkaban with his parents, wasting away the rest of his years. He had been let off easy, all things considered at his trial. Since he had been underage at the time his family was associating with the upper circle of the Death Eaters, and he’d been under control from the lot and Voldemort, his course of action had been deemed unavoidable for someone like him. So now he just got to waste away the rest of his years on the outside.
Draco glanced at his watch and stood. It was almost time to catch the tube.
~~~
With a sigh, he pushed the last document of the pile forward, and with a tap of his wand, sent them to the Department of Magical Games and Sports. The clock on the wall told him that there was still three hours left in the day. And only a year left of this job, though Draco didn’t know what he'd actually do with himself when the restrictions lifted.
But as his annoying office mate, Perry, pestered him about going out to the pub later, he thought it couldn't be any worse than this. Perry seemed to think that because they worked together, they were mates. The old him would have told Perry to sod off only not so nicely, but he found he couldn’t quite muster up the energy to be the same bastard who went out of his way to make others feel bad. It used to be second nature to put down others but now he realized he didn’t care the way he used to about making sure people knew what he thought of them. He really couldn’t get any lower than he was these days.
~~~
When he walked into the pub that evening, he quickly spotted his drinking partner and sat beside her at the bar. She glanced at him as he sat and signaled the barkeep.
"Lovely day, dear?" she asked.
"Oh yes, wonderful, and you, love?" he replied, reaching for the glass the barman placed in front of him.
"Brilliant," she said, lifting her glass. "To us?"
He raised his glass. "To us."
After a few moments of silence, Asteria said, "Sometimes I don't think you're going to come."
"Why wouldn't I?"
"I don't know; you might suddenly discover something better to do."
"I've got nothing better to do, trust me," he said, looking at her.
She frowned slightly and took another sip of her drink. He nudged her leg with his knee and she nudged him back. Ever since he ran into Asteria a few months ago and had a drink with her, it had become something of a ritual to come to the pub one or two nights a week. It hadn’t been something they necessarily planned; they just sort of fell into the routine. It was just something to fill their evenings, a way to pass the time and in his case-his dull life. They weren't together in any traditional sense of the word, but they shared waiting for something to happen in their lives.
He hadn’t really known her at school; she’d been two years under him and had just been Daphne’s younger sister. He hadn’t really known Daphne too well either, except as one of Pansy’s annoying friends. The Greengrasses hadn’t been in the upper circle of the Death Eaters, but they had been social climbers and were running dark magic items out of their home during the war in an effort to build up their status.
Her parents were each serving sentences in Azkaban and her sister had married a year ago and was living quietly up north, although they didn’t talk much according to Asteria. He wasn’t sure what he and Asteria had in common other than parents in Azkaban and general dissatisfaction with life. That didn’t seem like enough for a real relationship, but it had been enough to get them there several nights a week. Not that what they had was a relationship, just something to keep them occupied for a few hours.
"I'm tired of work. Those goblins at Gringotts are always on me about something even though I've yet to make a mistake so deserving of their constant hounding. I don't think they like me," she said.
"They don't like anybody." He signaled for another drink, which the barman promptly brought to him.
"Yes, well, I think I may take a holiday soon lest I go mad only a year into the job. You should take a holiday. It’d do you some good to get away for a bit instead of hanging around, being so petulant all the time."
"Maybe I like being so petulant all the time. I've no desire to start walking around with a smile on my face like some cheerful prat. And I can't leave the country because of my restrictions anyway," he said.
"Oh, that's right. Well, you don’t have to leave Great-"
"'I'd just rather not," he said.
"Okay, then. You’re no fun though."
"I thought that’s why you liked me-because I’m no fun whatsoever and of course, because of my fantastic personality," he said dryly.
"Who said I liked you?" she asked, pulling a face.
~~~
Several drinks later, they were stumbling into Asteria’s nearby flat, hurriedly removing clothing. She was trying to undo his belt and tug down his trousers while he unbuttoned her top, neither of them getting very far. Exasperated, he grabbed her hands, yanking them away from his waist so he could properly tug her shirt off. He pushed her backwards until her back was against the wall so that he could trap her with his body, pressing his hips roughly to hers.
He crushed his mouth against hers; it wasn’t the neatest kiss, but they more than made up for it in enthusiasm. Cupping her breasts, he enjoyed the weight of them in his hands and eagerly brought his mouth down to close over one. She arched against him in response, dragging her hand through his hair, scraping her nails down his neck while her other hand grasped at him through his pants, stroking his erection, which only incited him further. He reached a hand under her skirt, tugging at her knickers. With a smile, she stepped out of them and lowered her skirt.
Draco swore under his breath, grabbing her hips and thrusting into her. They both groaned at the contact. He held her waist firmly with one hand as she wrapped a leg around him. They were both probably too drunk to be attempting to shag while standing, but he didn’t care and he assumed from the way Asteria was clutching at his arse, urging him deeper, that she didn’t care either. His pace became more unsteady with each hurried thrust as he felt her growing tighter around his cock.
It was almost too much and when she bit his shoulder as she came, he could feel himself following with one last hard thrust. When he finally stilled, breathing hard against her chest, she laughed throatily, loosening her grip on him.
"Ah, so that’s why I like having you around," she said breathlessly. He dragged his eyes up to her face, taking in her flushed cheeks and playful smile.
"Is that why you bit me?" he asked, brushing his lips against her throat.
"Well, you know I’m lose myself in the moment…I suppose you'll be looking to punish me for that," she said, her smile growing wider.
He groaned softly. "You have no idea."
~~~
He sat up and ran a hand through his hair. Asteria traced her finger down his spine. "You going already?" she mumbled sleepily.
"Yes."
"Oh…you could stay. It's pretty late."
"All the same."
She sat up, letting go of the sheet she held with one hand, reaching for him. He pulled away from her before she could touch him and fought the urge to climb back into bed and kiss her senseless. He forced himself to turn away and finish dressing.
She was watching him intently. He didn’t care for the way she focused her dark blue eyes on him like she was looking through him, as if trying to decipher his real intentions from his words. Whenever she looked like she was interested in figuring him out, his instinct to retreat took over.
"You know, if you stayed over once in a while, it wouldn't change things. I'm not in danger of suddenly thinking that we're together," she said. When he didn't say anything, she added, "It'd just be nice if you didn't run off like your hour was up."
He pulled a face at her. "That's not why I'm leaving and you know it."
"No, you're just deathly afraid of my discovering that you have a soul after all buried somewhere underneath all that ice," she said sarcastically.
"And I'm sure you'd be the first to recognize a soul when you see one," he replied. "Well, I'm off."
"Yeah, bye," she said, yanking the covers back over head as she lay down.
He let himself out, breathing his usual sigh of relief as he did so. It wasn't that he thought Asteria actually wanted something more from him, but one day she might. Or worse yet, she'd wake up and see him lying next to her in the harsh light of morning and realize that he wasn't at all what she did want. He didn't want to be there to witness that when it happened. He knew he didn't have anything to offer her besides being a good fuck, and eventually, even that wouldn't be enough for a woman like her.
II.
Asteria Apparated into her flat and hurriedly started casting a Scourgify on the kitchen and the sitting room before making her way to the bedroom to change out of her work robes. Draco had owled her at work, asking if he could come over, foregoing their usual ritual of having a few drinks at the pub, and she'd agreed. It had occurred to her afterwards how untidy her flat was, so she hurried home to tidy up.
She didn't know why she was bothering though. It wasn't as if he'd never seen her flat in this state before, but then, they were usually distracted by other things and he never stayed long after to actually take in the clutter that was her flat. She was rather surprised that he was asking to come over, not completely sure of his intentions, though she was sure shagging was involved in there somewhere. Or at least she hoped so. It had been a week since he'd last been over and although she'd had a date with a rather fit bloke the other night, it hadn't quite gone the way she had hoped as she'd gone home alone. She supposed she could have shagged him if she'd really wanted, but he had been an utter bore so she cut their date short. Still, it wouldn't have been the first time she overlooked personality for a good shag, thinking of Draco, even though, if she was honest with herself, she didn't mind his personality so much.
Obviously not if she was going to so much trouble for him, she thought wryly as she brushed out her hair and tried to decide if she had time for a quick shower. She liked Draco more than she cared to admit. When she'd first met him at the pub several months earlier, she still half-expected him to be the same pompous git she'd known from Hogwarts, but of course, the war had changed him. Her sister had fancied him back then, but Asteria hadn't given him much thought-he was just one of the annoying older Slytherins always bragging about their status. And because she'd grown up in a home where achieving a higher status was looked at as a worthy goal, she'd been very aware of how much it was a turn off to be surrounded constantly by that kind of talk at school-blood status and eventually, towards the end of the war, 'who was who' in Voldemort's inner circle.
Her mother's father had a been a Muggle, which she'd learned from Daphne the summer before Asteria started at Hogwarts, and that it was something that she was never to mention to anyone else as it was apparently a shameful secret of their family. Her mother didn't talk to that side of her family anymore and worked hard to cover up that fact, and if it got out, Daphne told her they were to deny any relation to Muggles. During the war, denying any relation to Muggles had been necessary to survive, but it hadn't saved her parents in the end when it had been determined that some of the dark objects they'd been circulating through their home had led to the death of several Muggles. They'd gone to Azkaban for their crimes and left Asteria to deal with their mess. Of course, Daphne had gone off and married the first guy who'd asked and didn't want to have anything to do with their parents while Asteria acted as the dutiful daughter who'd still kept them up to date on what was happening in the wizarding world and visited them every so often.
She had some idea of why Draco was coming over straight away tonight. According to the Daily Prophet, his mother was being released from Azkaban tomorrow. Not that she expected him to admit to it, but she could understand the frustration and anger at having to deal with the aftermath of his parents' actions.
~~~
Draco showed up a little after seven and though Asteria was tempted to greet him completely starkers, she dressed in a large jumper and shorts so as not to thoroughly distract him in case he did have something else on his mind. They stared at each other in silence for the first few moments and then she offered him some Firewhisky so as to avoid any awkward silences. He readily accepted and they sat at the table, the awkwardness not entirely abated.
"So, er, thanks for letting me come straight over," Draco said at last. "You even tided up, and it's about time I must say," he added cheekily.
She could feel her face warm. "I thought you'd had more interesting things to focus your attention on in the past than to notice whether I tided up."
"Oh, I notice everything."
"'Well then, are you here for the usual or is there some special reason you've decided to forego our routine where you pretend to pick me up at a pub?" she asked.
"Actually I believe it's the other way around, and no, no special reason," he said.
She waited for him to continue but when he didn't, she stood. "Shall we then?" She wasn't about to force him into conversation if he wasn't interested.
He grabbed her arm. "I could do with another drink first," he said, letting go of her to pour himself more Firewhisky.
She sat back down, drumming her fingers on the table while she watched him drink.
He set his glass down and then suddenly asked, "Do you ever visit your parents in Azkaban?"
Asteria knew the surprise was showing on her face. He'd never asked her about her parents before. "A few times, yes…Do you?" she asked carefully.
He shook his head. "I saw them once and I could never make myself go back. It was-I kept thinking how easily I could have been stuck in there. And I suppose I felt, well, guilty, because I could have tried to at least get my mother a lighter sentence but I didn't because, for the first time, I didn't have my parents over my shoulder, dictating my every move, and I could finally figure out who I really am, what I really want to do with my life. Only I haven't and I have nothing to show for myself when my mum gets out tomorrow. Some ridiculous part of me still feels the need to prove myself to my parents and some part of me wishes that they would just stay in Azkaban or just some where far away. I dunno, maybe this all sounds ridiculous."
"It doesn't. You're confused and angry but a little uncomfortable with those feelings because you feel like you still owe them something. They are your parent after all. That confused guilt, I know it well," she said, folding her arms.
"Well how do you deal with it? I'm just curious, mind, not trying to make crib notes or anything."
"I just do." She shrugged. "I mean, it's not as if the feelings just go away and though I haven't ever agreed with my parents over much of anything, I can't bring myself to dismiss them either. Sometimes I'd rather not, but then I guilt myself into it by telling myself they've no else since Daphne seems to have no problem acting like they don't exist, but I suppose she picked that up from them. Parental relationships are just difficult that way."
Draco seemed to muse over this as he swirled his drink in his glass. "Are all parents this skilled at fucking their children up or are we just lucky?" he said with a bitter laugh, finishing off his drink.
After a beat of silence, he said, "I don't know what to say to my mother tomorrow. How do I face her?"
She shook her head. "I don't know. But she's your mother; I'm sure she still cares about you. Is that what you're afraid of, that she doesn't?"
He frowned. "I'm not afraid, all right…She risked her life for me, going against Voldemort. Potter told me that she lied to Voldemort about him being dead. I don't know why he told me that; maybe he wanted me to feel guilty about not trying to appeal her sentence. Potter always was a prat. But I've done nothing for her. What do I even owe her?"
Asteria reached across the table for his hand, covering his with her own. They'd hardly ever touched, in a non-sexual way that was, and it felt a little strange at first. After a few long moments, he turned his palm upward and clasped her hand. Asteria decided that she liked the way it felt.
"My job is shit and my flat is dreary and that's about all I have going on in my life, and well, you I guess, but you don't exactly count. Why should I even care what she thinks?" he said.
Asteria bristled a little at that. "Why don't I count? I mean, I know I'm not your girlfriend, but aren't I something?"
"I can't exactly introduce you as the woman I've been fucking for the past several months, now can I? Are we even friends?"
"I think we could be considered friends at least. Hell, maybe our parents have even become chummy up in old Azkaban, too." Draco snorted at that. She thought she could get used to the idea of being friends with Draco.
"So frequent sex and conversation makes us friends, does it?"
"Well, have you any better options?"
He made another face. "Fine then, friends."
Once that that was established, there was something that she'd always been curious about. "Is that why we never go to your flat? Because it's dreary, as you put it?"
"Call me vain, but I suppose that's part of it. Your flat is closer to the pub anyway."
"What if we met somewhere closer to your flat or just skipped the pre-meetings altogether, like tonight?"
Draco frowned a little but didn't say anything and then it occurred to her what the other part of it was. "I see, you're too much of a gentleman to give me the boot from your place, is that it? And you can't very well go running away in your own flat."
"I don't run away, I just prefer not wear out my welcome."
"Of course, how considerate of you." She decided to ask another question that had just struck her curiosity. "Why is your flat so dreary? Aren't your parents disgustingly rich or did you all lose your fortune after the war?"
"There was still a large inheritance in our vault after an official search was done, but it's frozen while they're in Azkaban and I'm not allowed to have access to it until my restrictions are up. Well, technically, I guess it'll be unfrozen tomorrow when my mother gets out. If you were hoping to land yourself a rich man, sorry to disappoint you. I'm not rich and my name means shit these days," he said. "So I can't help you with your social climbing. Isn't that what you Greengrasses are known for, being avid social climbers?"
She pulled her hand away from his, surprised by how much that stung, even though she knew he'd said it mostly in jest. She crossed her arms over her chest again.
"What? You're not offended are you?" he asked uncertainly.
"No," she replied coolly. "Why would I be offended by someone whose family can't think for themselves and blindly followed a complete sociopath?" They stared at each other for a moment crossly.
Then Draco stood. "Are we going to do this or what?"
"Sounds fine to me," she snapped, leading the way to her bedroom.
Once in her room, she half-expected Draco to start tearing off her clothes. She was even kind of hoping for that now that she was feeling a little tense. Instead, he kissed her. They'd kissed plenty of times before but with the same urgency they had in ridding each other of clothes and getting right down to the sex. It was always frenzied as though they had little time together and couldn't possibly do everything they wanted with each other but were going to try. She enjoyed that, but this was something different. He kissed her slowly; she thought it was trepidation at first, but then she realized he was kissing her purposefully, as though trying her out. She could taste the Firewhisky in his warm mouth. She may have even whimpered once as he gripped her waist more firmly, his tongue moving against hers.
When he finally pulled away for a moment, she was glad he was holding her up. His mouth moved to her neck, his lips brushing a trail of heat and turning her soft in his arms. She tightened her grip on his shoulders as his tongue marked the dip at the base of her throat. She bit her lip, not quite silencing the soft moan that rose up from the back of her throat.
His hands crept under her jumper and he ran his knuckles up her spine, causing her to inhale with his movement. His hands didn't move with their usual demand, they explored and caressed, finally coming to her breasts. It was quite unlike anything Asteria had ever experienced. He let go of her momentarily to pull off her jumper. She moved backwards until she felt the bed behind her and sunk down onto it. Draco followed, his mouth covering the spots his hands had just been, drawing out even deeper pleasure. She moaned softly as she felt his hand clasp her breast while his tongue found the indentation of her belly button.
Asteria reached for him a few times. She could feel him very hard against her thigh, but he brushed her away. So she lay still with one hand at rest on her stomach and the other kneading her breast. The stillness didn't last as he pulled off her shorts; she didn't miss the sharp inhale and swears under his breath when he realized she wasn't wearing knickers. He set his mouth to work on her thighs; first her left thigh, sucking at the fullness of the flesh there, and then the right, each time getting very close to her center before pulling away. She whimpered his name, thinking she might very well faint, not able to stand his teasing anymore. Draco held her leg up, bringing it up to kiss the back of her knee before letting it rest on his shoulder. He met her eyes for the first time; she saw a hint of a smirk in his eyes and she realized how much he was enjoying teasing her.
"You arse," she muttered. His mouth merely twisted into a cross between a grin and a smirk in reply. In the next moment, his tongue was on her clit and she arched up in surprise and pleasure. She felt his tongue tracing circles over her and then the push of his fingers as he entered her. The sensation of his mouth and his fingers and the heat spreading throughout her and the fervor of her own pleasure were too much. His grip on her thigh grew tighter and she was suddenly overwhelmed by her own pleasure radiating through her body in wave after wave.
As she lay there, motionless, except for the rise and fall of her chest, she could feel Draco moving next to her. She moved the hand that she must have at some point brought to her face and saw him undressing. Reaching for his arm, she gave him a feeble squeeze.
"I'd help you, but you've turned me quite useless at the moment," she murmured. "I hope you're happy."
"Very. And don't you dare move," he said. He straddled her and brought his face down to hers, drawing her in for another long kiss. She did the exploring this time, tasting herself along with the Firewhisky now.
Asteria opened her eyes to look at him. He was already staring at her rather intently and she wasn't sure what his eyes, normally so chilly and guarded but now quite alit, were really seeing. She brushed some of the hair off his forehead, letting it fall back into place when she moved her hand. "What?" she asked.
"I don't think I've ever told you, but you're quite beautiful. I think you're beautiful all the time," he said softly.
"Oh, well," she said, feeling her cheeks warm. "Er, thank you." She decided that she rather liked hearing that, although she wasn't sure why her face was coloring when she was already naked underneath him.
He readjusted his position so that he could enter her, and when he pushed inside of her with one thrust, she wrapped a leg around him. Draco groaned her name as she grasped his arse, urging him deeper still. They moved with each other, finding the right rhythm, and at some point, they turned over so that she was staring down at him. He looked very enamored with his view and she grinned at him. She moved slowly, dragging it out until she became caught up with the friction they created, the sound of his gasps mingling with her own breathy moans, his hands touching as much of her as possible. The tension built until she finally came with a great release as she heard her name fall from his lips with a deeper desperation this time.
Asteria fell against him, her chest in rhythm with his. She didn't think she'd move again for a week, content to stay right there. He was so warm, or maybe that was her. At the moment, she felt there wasn't much difference between them.
Eventually, he wrapped his arms around her and she wriggled against him a little. When she felt some semblance of normal, she moved upward so that she could kiss him, kiss his nose, his cheeks, his eyelids. She curled up at his side, trailing little kisses over his neck. He ran his hand up and down her arm lazily.
There was a strange tenderness running through their touches. It felt different than the cool distance normally between them. But it was…nice. Asteria liked the way she fit against Draco. In her stupor, she imagined, for the first time, what it might be like to always have Draco like this-warm and close, to tell him things she'd never been able to tell others and to have him understand. Draco pulled her closer and she wondered vaguely if he felt the same.
III.
Asteria didn't see him for weeks after that. At first, she told herself it really wasn't a big deal. His mother had just been released from Azkaban and he would surely be helping her become reacquainted with life outside of Azkaban and needed time to sort out things with her. And she and Draco each led their own lives and certainly didn't owe anything to each other. While there were a few things she might miss about having him around, she had plenty of other things to keep her occupied. Like her work, which was, well it could be quite dull but she didn't entirely dislike the job, and then there was her social life, which maybe wasn't terribly exciting but it suited her; she still had the same small but close group of friends that she'd had at Hogwarts. Draco couldn't be the most interesting part of her life-no, that was simply too sad a thought to contemplate.
She wondered if, now that she wasn't seeing him somewhat regularly, maybe she could find a proper boyfriend since she hadn't had one of those in a year. But the prospects weren't looking particularly interesting. Her last boyfriend, Stephen, had been fun for a while; she'd fancied him for some time during her school years, but she'd eventually grown bored of him. She was perfectly fine with being single anyway.
By the second month, she was annoyed. If Draco didn't want to continue their arrangement, that was fine by her. It wasn't like they had ever worked out some set rules for it anyway. But at the very least, he could do her the courtesy of telling her he wasn't interested in continuing their relationship, not that it really was a proper relationship. The more she thought about it, the more worked up she got. Hadn't they at least agreed they were friends? Some friend he'd turned out to be.
Asteria was upset with herself for getting so worked up over Draco bloody Malfoy in the first place. He was most likely not doing the same. She didn't know why she cared so much. Sure, her body knew there was certainly much to appreciate about him, but the rest of her had to know better.
She resolved to forget about him and was into the start of day three when she got his owl, which read simply:
Asteria,
Do you want to meet at our usual place? Around 7?
Draco
How dare he just owl her after two months of silence and to suggest meeting at their usual spot as if nothing had changed at all! She couldn't pin down exactly what had changed, just that something had shifted enough to make her angry at him and herself. It was almost as if he thought she'd be sitting around, waiting for him, and jumping at the first sign of interest from him. She crumpled his note, tossing it aside, and decided that she was just going to ignore him.
Throughout the rest of the day, Asteria fought with herself over whether or not she should meet him. She tried to ignore him except he was still in the back of her mind, driving her mad. Maybe she would pop by the pub later, but only to tell him exactly what she thought of him, even as the sensible part of her was saying no, just forget the whole thing. But when she found herself standing outside of the pub that evening, it was apparent the non-sensible part of her outweighed the sensible part. He was already sitting at the bar when she entered but didn't notice her until she sat down next to him.
"You showed," he said, obviously surprised.
"Why are you so surprised?" she questioned, alternately feeling annoyed with herself for coming and annoyed that she was even still annoyed. Why should he bother her so much? "You seemed to assume that I would."
"Well, I wasn't sure. I thought perhaps you might either be upset with me or you just wouldn't care much either way," he said. "So which is it?"
"You mean, am I angry that you just disappeared for two months and I didn't once hear from you? No, why would I be angry? It doesn't matter to me what you do with your life; it's not as if we're together or anything," she said stiffly, trying not to betray any emotion she actually felt. She waved down the barman, deciding that she was in need of a drink if she was going to continue this conversation.
"Oh, well good…So how have you been?" he asked slowly.
She raised her eyebrows and took a long sip of the drink the barman had just placed in front of her before answering, "You're still shit at small talk, Malfoy, so why not get down to what you really want? Why did you want to see me?"
"What makes you think I want anything?"
"Because you just owled me after two months of nothing. You must want something," she pressed.
He shrugged. "I thought we could just have a drink, like normal."
"And then what? Go back to my flat for a shag?" His expressions seemed to suggest that was exactly what he thought. He started to say something, but she cut him off. "I can't believe you! Two months of nothing, not even an owl, and then suddenly, you want to meet and act like everything is still exactly the same? You have some nerve, Draco Malfoy!"
"And here I was under the impression that you weren't angry. You said it yourself, we're not together and it doesn't matter to you what I do, so why you should you be angry?" he said, sounding equally annoyed now.
"Because you could have at least done the courteous thing and told me you were going to disappear."
"I wasn't aware that I owed you any explanations," Draco said coldly.
She stared at him for a moment, knowing that was probably true, but it didn't make her feel any better. "You're right. You don't owe me anything, and I don't owe you anything either, including my time. Goodbye, Draco," she said, standing up to leave. She paid for her drink and left without another look at him.
"Asteria," he called after her. She made it all the way outside before he caught up to her, grabbing her arm. "You want to know why you didn't hear me from two months, fine-it was you," he said.
"What?" she demanded, distracted enough to stop wriggling out of his grip.
"I couldn't be around you for a while because I was feeling close to you in a way that made me uncomfortable. I had to put some distance between us, and now that I have, I think I can be around you again without feeling…that way," he said.
She tried to make sense of what he told her, but it didn't make sense. He'd never seemed particularly interested in her past their usual relationship. So maybe they'd become a little closer during their time together. "Why?" she finally asked. "Because we actually had a real conversation?"
"It wasn't just that. It's everything…it's you, just being around you, I feel closer to you than I have to anyone else. You make me feel…things," he said, looking awkward. If she wasn't so taken aback by the turn their conversation had taken, she might have been more amused at how young and awkward Draco suddenly became before her very eyes.
"I make you feel things as you so eloquently put it, so you couldn't have anything to do with me? Wow, the depth of your emotional maturity astounds me," she said.
He colored at that. "I never claimed to possess great emotional depths. I've always been a rather shallow person. I didn't even want to tell you any of this in the first place, but you were getting your knickers into such a twist. Can we just forget it?"
"No. Look if you really felt that way, you could have told me-"
"Why would I tell you? All it would have done was make things weird between us."
"Like you ignoring me for two months didn't make things weird?"
He frowned. "I wasn't ignoring you, I just need some space. I didn't want to complicate things, and I don't want to feel that way."
Asteria felt her heart actually drop a little at that."Of course, why would you want to feel anything for me? I'm a fine enough person to fuck but not to actually care about," she said darkly.
Draco sighed. "That's not what I'm saying."
"No, that's just what you meant."
"See, this is why I didn't want to say anything; it's already complicating things. You're completely misunderstanding what I am trying to tell you."
"Then what are you trying to say, Draco?" she demanded.
"I'm saying that you would never be truly interested in someone like me. I'm not right for you, and I could never be anything for you other than an occasional shag. If I let myself become attached to you, then I'd have to deal with the inevitably shitty outcome, and I really don't have that in me," he said.
"How do you know what I'd be truly interested in? Have you ever asked me? No, so what right do you have to make assumptions?"
"My keen sense of self-preservation lets me make those kinds of assumptions," he declared unpleasantly.
Asteria decided that she'd had enough of Draco and this conversation. She was feeling more worked up than when they started. "Well, you can have all the space you need. And don't follow me this time!"
She Apparated away with one last glare at him.
~~~
Much to Asteria's further annoyance, she could not stop thinking of Draco the next day or the next, try as she might. It was infuriating to be unable to rid him from her mind and it put her in a right foul mood. She had to work extra hard at being pleasant with some of the goblins at Gringotts.
At first, she was angry at him for telling her what she would want and not want. As if he really knew her or had any right to make those kind of decisions for her. If she wanted nothing more to do with him because of what he was or wasn't, then that was up to her. Who was he to make the assumption that she wouldn't be interested in him anyway?
But the more she thought about it, the more he didn't seem entirely off base in his assumptions, to her utter annoyance. He wasn't her type was he, not that she was sure she had a type. What did they really know about each other? Sure, they had some things in common and she'd been surprised by how attracted she'd been to him when they first met. But he was Draco Malfoy, former Death Eater and lonely individual. Like her, minus the Death Eater part. Asteria wasn't going to fool herself. She knew that two of them met a little too often for them to just be looking for a fun and casual shag, even though that was certainly part of it. They might not have been looking for some sort of deeper relationship but that didn't stop them from seeking some semblance of intimacy, and maybe something more, from each other. She knew part of what drove them to the warmth of each other was that cold feeling left by dissatisfaction with various parts of their lives.
Maybe they couldn't really offer each other much of anything when it came down to it, but if Asteria was honest with herself, she'd have to face why she'd been so worked up about not seeing him for so long, why she was so worked up now. She'd been denying any feelings she might have for him to herself to the whole time she didn't see him. She'd denied it to him. Maybe he hadn't been wrong in concealing his feelings; she wasn't any better, was she?
But what good would it do to admit to them? She'd been annoyed by his assumptions, the way he just claimed so surely that she wouldn't want someone like him, but did she? Mutual attraction and loneliness weren't enough to build a relationship on. There was more depth to Draco than she thought, and she liked him, liked the way he made her feel, and the way she felt with him. But was that enough?
IV.
The days seemed to go by agonizingly slow as they passed by in their usual fashion with one notable absence. Draco tried to find some joy in the fact that he was that much closer to being done with his restrictions, but it just seemed some vague destination he was slowly moving towards. He knew it was there, but he didn't know much about it; he didn't know what he'd do when he was free. What did he want? Did he want anything?
A certain blonde came to mind, but wanting her wouldn't do any good. Draco had forced himself to stay away from her long enough to think that she wasn't really anything to him, but that all went to shit the moment he saw her. Her forcing him to admit his reasons for his distance hadn't helped any either. He didn't know why he was so enamored with her anyway; she made demands of him like she had every right, and she had no problem pointing out when she thought he was acting like a right bastard. But she also seemed to understand him in an odd way, and it had made him a little uncomfortable talking to her about himself or his family because of that. For most of his young life, he'd been used to people deferring to him because of his family or acting in jealously, and so far during his adult life, he was usually looked at and treated with disdain because of them and what he'd done or ignored. But he'd never simply talked with anyone without any of those factors marring the conversation.
With Asteria, he was in danger of becoming something resembling an individual sensitive to feelings, his own and those of others. Draco had never had to consider other people before; it was part of the privilege he'd been born with, that was, until he had to watch his every move out of fear of death, of course. If he was with Asteria, he'd have to consider her feelings and ultimately take some responsibility for how treated her, how he thought of her. When he was with Pansy, he'd come and gone as he'd pleased, never taking her feelings into consideration, and she'd allowed it. After the war ended, when he tried to connect with her, she had turned her back on him. He knew it was not just what he'd done during the war, because she'd known his role and the things he'd done, but that she could finally turn her back on him for the way he treated her and there was nothing for her to lose in doing so. Actually, none of his former friends would have anything to do with him after the war ended. They nor had their families all been entirely innocent, and they hadn't stepped up to fight during the war out of self-perseveration, but they hadn't shouldered the same pressure Draco had during the war and could, to a certain point, deny involvement with it, something he could never do.
If Draco was completely honest, then it wasn't so much that he feared becoming some kind of person who was actually considerate of others, but that he'd revealed too much of himself to Asteria. He wasn't the sort of person who ever completely revealed himself to anyone. His father had thoroughly instilled in him the importance of that idea, teaching that he'd always retain power over others the less he gave away of himself. It wasn't that he was delusional enough to think that he held some power over her, but she actually held power over him in that she could easily reject him. He wasn't going to make himself believe that he could ever be anything serious to her, but that hadn't prevented him from letting himself become close to her, which would just make the rejection all the more painful when it finally came.
He had been stupid to think that a few months apart from her would chase those feelings away. He'd only talked himself into feeling distant enough from her to see her again because he'd missed her so much. The fact that he'd missed her at all told Draco how pathetic he'd become. Of course she'd been angry with him. He'd half-expected it, but his pride hadn't let her just be angry and be done with it; he'd stayed away to feebly protect himself from what was sure to be her frank rejection, which only seemed to upset her further.
Now Draco had to figure out how to pass his days without her. Seeing her once or twice during the week had been something of a bright spot and he felt dulled without her. But it was probably for the best. Whatever affection he had for her wasn't enough and it was best not to drag it out.
There was also the matter of his mother that he was still trying to deal with. Their first meeting outside of Azkaban had been stilted. He had accompanied her home and she'd inquired into the details of his life. He only gave her the briefest version, which wasn't much better than the long version considering that most of the details of his life had been easily described in full quite briefly. She had lost much of her haughty, regal appearance, Azkaban having aged her considerably, and she hadn't wanted to discuss it much beyond telling him that his father was doing well enough. But much to her credit, she hadn't let her time in Azkaban completely diminish who she was and, soon enough, she'd set about trying to regain the normalcy of her previous life. She didn't go out in public much, which was to be expected, but she had completely redone the Manor, though it would be some time before his father was released, ridding it of any sign of its previous occupants, and he'd noticed that the grey hairs she'd come home with soon disappeared.
She'd hinted a few times about him moving home, but for once, he'd been glad he had the excuse of his restrictions preventing him from living so far out of London away from his work. He had absolutely no desire to live at his parents' home ever again. His mother may have been able to erase any physical evidence of its past, but that would never rid him of the feelings of fear and suffocation he felt there as soon as he stepped inside.
Eventually she had moved on to his job, suggesting various options he should consider when he was done with his present one, which she was convinced was below him, and while he would have agreed with her in the past, he didn't know what else he could or wanted to do until she had suggested that he try for one of the apprentice potions position, which usually opened up a few times a year at St. Mungo's. The apprentices were trained in mixing and trying to create new antidotes, and Draco had to admit that he was intrigued. Potions had been his best subject, but he was still months away from being able to consider anything else.
So slowly, each day seemed to drag out longer than the last. And Draco, not wanting to sacrifice any more of his dignity, tried to forget Asteria permanently this time. Of course that was easier said than done.
His intentions were all well and good until Asteria showed up at his doorstep one night. He was taken aback at her presence, shivering and pink-cheeked in front of him, looking as good as ever.
"Are you going to let me in or just let me freeze to death out here?" she demanded, snapping him out of his shock.
"That depends. What are you doing here?" he asked. She just rolled her eyes and pushed past him to get inside. He shut the door behind her and studied her, trying to figure out her motives, as she glanced around his flat. "How did you find out where I live?"
"I looked you up," she said. "Oh, don't give me that look, Malfoy. You never let me come here so I had to get resourceful, and in case you're wondering, which I know you are, I looked you up at the bank. The information we have on your family's vault includes your whole family's current whereabouts since there are significant restrictions about who can access the vault."
"Well, aren't you the cunning one…So what are you doing here?" he repeated. "You've seen my flat now. The minuscule kitchen is right over there and will take you all of two seconds to see, and the bedroom is back there. Go ahead and have your look since you worked so hard to get here."
She took off her cloak and draped it over the back of a chair. "At least it's warm in here."
"Do you make yourself this comfortable everywhere you've not been invited?"
She gave him a look. "I've come here to tell you that in your arsehole assumptions about me, you may have been correct when you said that you might not be right for me, but quite honestly, I don't know what is. I just know how I feel, and when I'm with you, I like the way I feel. I just thought it fair that you know so we can both say that we were never dishonest with each other," she said in a clipped tone.
"Oh." Draco started to say something else but stopped, unsure of what it was exactly he was trying to say. Finally he settled on, "And what brought this on?"
"We haven't seen each other in a while, not since that night at the pub, and before that, well, I-I just realized how much I missed you. Honestly, I'm not sure what it is about you, but I didn't want to never see you again," she said, the emotion catching in her voice now.
"Asteria, you're making this unbelievably difficult," he groaned. "I've nothing to offer you and whatever you think I am, I'm-"
"Oh, shut it, Draco. I don't know how you got this idealized vision of me in your head but whatever it is, I'm sure it's completely off base. I'm nothing extraordinary. I work at Gringotts and I'm still not sure I like it after more than a year there. For the longest time, I thought I'd become a Healer, but six weeks into the training, I realized that blood and pus and unidentifiable substances oozing out of gaping wounds wasn't at all for me. My parents are in Azkaban; they're not great people but they're my parents, and I can't bring myself to just forget them. My sister can be a right cow sometimes. I'm a picky eater, am terribly grouchy in the mornings, and I'm forever arriving late. You're Draco Malfoy, former Death Eater; you've participated in some terrible things and were thoroughly influenced by your parents, but you're not a terrible person. You're trying to find your way now, but you're confused and wondering if you really belong anywhere anymore. You're not a mystery and neither am I. We're just two people who've found bits of happiness, or at least contentment with each other, and maybe there's more to be had if we try a bit harder."
Draco raised his eyebrows, thoroughly shocked again by her and her declaration. He wasn't even sure what to begin to think. "What are you saying exactly?" he asked.
"I'm saying we shouldn't just assume we can't make each other happy. I don't think we really know enough to make that assertion."
"But you want to try?" he said, still unsure of her meaning.
"I'm not sure that what we do know about each other or whether loneliness or our attraction to each other is enough to build some sort of relationship on, but I think we owe it to each other and ourselves to see if there's something-Look Draco, I'm trying to be rational about this whole thing, but do you want to be with me or not?" she said with a note of annoyance tingeing her voice.
He could hardly believe that she was standing before him, in his flat, asking him if he wanted to be with her. It didn't seem real. "Well, yes. And you want to be with me?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yes!"
It still didn't seem quite right, like she was going to laugh him off at any moment, thinking him daft for actually taking her seriously. But as it stood, he was going to go with it; it would be very stupid to say no if she was serious, although he wasn't convinced that she wouldn't rethink her position soon. How he loathed the uncertainty that followed him everywhere; he missed that easy confidence he used to possess, or at least his ability to appear confident even when he wasn't. "Okay…so what do we do now?" he asked.
She uncrossed her arms and let them hang by her sides as she looked around his flat once more. With a shrug, she said, "Shag?"
Draco rather liked that idea and they took to it quickly enough, stumbling towards his bedroom and out of their clothes. It had been a while since the last time they'd been together, which possibly accounted for some of their fumbling, but it wasn't awkward. On the contrary, it heightened their anticipation and made Draco all the more eager to touch and taste as much as possible.
When she was finally just down to skin, his lips were everywhere-her breasts, her stomach, the curve of her hip, the soft crook of her elbow--he wanted to reach everywhere for fear that he might never get the chance again. She writhed under him, one of her hands wound in his hair. The rest of his clothes came off and she fell on top of him, her tongue tracing its own map of all her favorite spots over his body. He groaned appreciatively as her tongue moved up the length of his cock, even though she didn't spend much time there, but he was quickly distracted by her pleading for his cock to be elsewhere.
He fulfilled her request at once, taking in the way she inhaled and closed her eyes as he entered her, etching the image into his mind. After his initial thrust into her, he stilled for a moment, watching her until she eventually opened her eyes to stare back at him. He could see the words on her lips fade and instead, she brushed the back of her fingers against his cheek. He covered her hand with his own, kissing her palm before bringing her hand to rest on the back of his neck.
He leaned forward to kiss her on the mouth as he started to move within her again. "I missed you so much," he muttered, kissing her neck. She dug her fingers into his back and grasped his arse with her other hand. He groaned in response and moved with greater need against her, faster and drawing out louder cries from her each time. Asteria shuddered against him and watching her come with the last shriek of his name before biting down on his shoulder sent him falling after her.
Draco collapsed against her for a few moments before rolling to her side and gathering her in his arms. He could feel her breath, hot and uneven, on his chest eventually become steady. She kissed his chest, moving up his neck until she landed on his lips. He wanted to memorize everything about her in that moment, the way she felt in his arms, warm and vibrant, the softness of her lips, the silky strands of her hair intertwined with his fingers. He tasted the salt on her skin and sought out the dip at the base of her throat.
"This spot. What's this called? I love this spot. Let this be my spot," he murmured against her. "And you can have that spot on my shoulder you seem to enjoy marking with your teeth so much."
He felt her throaty laugh. "I suppose I do fancy that particular spot. This spot is yours then. I've not as much use for it." She gripped his chin, lifting his face to hers. "So, are you going to give me the boot or can I stay?"
"If I gave you the boot right now, you can have me committed to St. Mungo's," he said.
"Good," she settled against his chest. "Because I'm planning on staying a while."
"How long?"
"I'm not sure yet, but I'm looking forward to finding out."
Author: fai_believes (lj user="slam_girl">
Pairing(s): Draco/Asteria
Word Count: 9,951
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Draco and Asteria find their way to each other.
Beta: queenb23more
Originally written for hp_canon_fest 2009.
I.
Hell is other people. Or at least that was what Draco overhead two Muggles saying in what seemed to be an enthusiastic exchange, one of them shaking a book at the other. That statement seemed a rather fitting explanation for his whole life and current troubles. It would certainly explain why he was sitting in a Muggle café at that moment, killing time until he got on the Muggle tube to his mind-numbing job.
Letting other people determine his life’s course hadn’t done anything for him in the end. What power and prestige he had enjoyed was long gone. Of course, at the time, he had believed that he was on the right path, one that would lead him to success and glory. His parents had expected him to follow their paths; he’d come from a long line of Slytherins who had all espoused the importance of maintaining blood purity. Many people had since said that he'd had a choice, that he could have chosen the good side, but they were wrong. There had never been any choice. Not in his family and certainly not after Voldemort made him a Death Eater. His only other choice was death, for him and his parents, and Draco had never believed there was anything noble about dying for a cause.
There was no other way he could have gone, but that thought gave him little comfort. It didn’t lift any of the seven year restrictions that the Ministry had put on him, that didn’t allow him to leave Great Britain or travel by Apparition, that only allowed use of certain Floo networks and no connection in his home. It didn’t make his shit job any better. He was almost literally a paper-pusher. He processed incoming documents and sent them out to their respective departments. The Ministry had assigned him the job in order to keep tabs on him and keep him from getting into any sort of nefarious activities.
But he supposed it could be worse. He could be stuck in Azkaban with his parents, wasting away the rest of his years. He had been let off easy, all things considered at his trial. Since he had been underage at the time his family was associating with the upper circle of the Death Eaters, and he’d been under control from the lot and Voldemort, his course of action had been deemed unavoidable for someone like him. So now he just got to waste away the rest of his years on the outside.
Draco glanced at his watch and stood. It was almost time to catch the tube.
~~~
With a sigh, he pushed the last document of the pile forward, and with a tap of his wand, sent them to the Department of Magical Games and Sports. The clock on the wall told him that there was still three hours left in the day. And only a year left of this job, though Draco didn’t know what he'd actually do with himself when the restrictions lifted.
But as his annoying office mate, Perry, pestered him about going out to the pub later, he thought it couldn't be any worse than this. Perry seemed to think that because they worked together, they were mates. The old him would have told Perry to sod off only not so nicely, but he found he couldn’t quite muster up the energy to be the same bastard who went out of his way to make others feel bad. It used to be second nature to put down others but now he realized he didn’t care the way he used to about making sure people knew what he thought of them. He really couldn’t get any lower than he was these days.
~~~
When he walked into the pub that evening, he quickly spotted his drinking partner and sat beside her at the bar. She glanced at him as he sat and signaled the barkeep.
"Lovely day, dear?" she asked.
"Oh yes, wonderful, and you, love?" he replied, reaching for the glass the barman placed in front of him.
"Brilliant," she said, lifting her glass. "To us?"
He raised his glass. "To us."
After a few moments of silence, Asteria said, "Sometimes I don't think you're going to come."
"Why wouldn't I?"
"I don't know; you might suddenly discover something better to do."
"I've got nothing better to do, trust me," he said, looking at her.
She frowned slightly and took another sip of her drink. He nudged her leg with his knee and she nudged him back. Ever since he ran into Asteria a few months ago and had a drink with her, it had become something of a ritual to come to the pub one or two nights a week. It hadn’t been something they necessarily planned; they just sort of fell into the routine. It was just something to fill their evenings, a way to pass the time and in his case-his dull life. They weren't together in any traditional sense of the word, but they shared waiting for something to happen in their lives.
He hadn’t really known her at school; she’d been two years under him and had just been Daphne’s younger sister. He hadn’t really known Daphne too well either, except as one of Pansy’s annoying friends. The Greengrasses hadn’t been in the upper circle of the Death Eaters, but they had been social climbers and were running dark magic items out of their home during the war in an effort to build up their status.
Her parents were each serving sentences in Azkaban and her sister had married a year ago and was living quietly up north, although they didn’t talk much according to Asteria. He wasn’t sure what he and Asteria had in common other than parents in Azkaban and general dissatisfaction with life. That didn’t seem like enough for a real relationship, but it had been enough to get them there several nights a week. Not that what they had was a relationship, just something to keep them occupied for a few hours.
"I'm tired of work. Those goblins at Gringotts are always on me about something even though I've yet to make a mistake so deserving of their constant hounding. I don't think they like me," she said.
"They don't like anybody." He signaled for another drink, which the barman promptly brought to him.
"Yes, well, I think I may take a holiday soon lest I go mad only a year into the job. You should take a holiday. It’d do you some good to get away for a bit instead of hanging around, being so petulant all the time."
"Maybe I like being so petulant all the time. I've no desire to start walking around with a smile on my face like some cheerful prat. And I can't leave the country because of my restrictions anyway," he said.
"Oh, that's right. Well, you don’t have to leave Great-"
"'I'd just rather not," he said.
"Okay, then. You’re no fun though."
"I thought that’s why you liked me-because I’m no fun whatsoever and of course, because of my fantastic personality," he said dryly.
"Who said I liked you?" she asked, pulling a face.
~~~
Several drinks later, they were stumbling into Asteria’s nearby flat, hurriedly removing clothing. She was trying to undo his belt and tug down his trousers while he unbuttoned her top, neither of them getting very far. Exasperated, he grabbed her hands, yanking them away from his waist so he could properly tug her shirt off. He pushed her backwards until her back was against the wall so that he could trap her with his body, pressing his hips roughly to hers.
He crushed his mouth against hers; it wasn’t the neatest kiss, but they more than made up for it in enthusiasm. Cupping her breasts, he enjoyed the weight of them in his hands and eagerly brought his mouth down to close over one. She arched against him in response, dragging her hand through his hair, scraping her nails down his neck while her other hand grasped at him through his pants, stroking his erection, which only incited him further. He reached a hand under her skirt, tugging at her knickers. With a smile, she stepped out of them and lowered her skirt.
Draco swore under his breath, grabbing her hips and thrusting into her. They both groaned at the contact. He held her waist firmly with one hand as she wrapped a leg around him. They were both probably too drunk to be attempting to shag while standing, but he didn’t care and he assumed from the way Asteria was clutching at his arse, urging him deeper, that she didn’t care either. His pace became more unsteady with each hurried thrust as he felt her growing tighter around his cock.
It was almost too much and when she bit his shoulder as she came, he could feel himself following with one last hard thrust. When he finally stilled, breathing hard against her chest, she laughed throatily, loosening her grip on him.
"Ah, so that’s why I like having you around," she said breathlessly. He dragged his eyes up to her face, taking in her flushed cheeks and playful smile.
"Is that why you bit me?" he asked, brushing his lips against her throat.
"Well, you know I’m lose myself in the moment…I suppose you'll be looking to punish me for that," she said, her smile growing wider.
He groaned softly. "You have no idea."
~~~
He sat up and ran a hand through his hair. Asteria traced her finger down his spine. "You going already?" she mumbled sleepily.
"Yes."
"Oh…you could stay. It's pretty late."
"All the same."
She sat up, letting go of the sheet she held with one hand, reaching for him. He pulled away from her before she could touch him and fought the urge to climb back into bed and kiss her senseless. He forced himself to turn away and finish dressing.
She was watching him intently. He didn’t care for the way she focused her dark blue eyes on him like she was looking through him, as if trying to decipher his real intentions from his words. Whenever she looked like she was interested in figuring him out, his instinct to retreat took over.
"You know, if you stayed over once in a while, it wouldn't change things. I'm not in danger of suddenly thinking that we're together," she said. When he didn't say anything, she added, "It'd just be nice if you didn't run off like your hour was up."
He pulled a face at her. "That's not why I'm leaving and you know it."
"No, you're just deathly afraid of my discovering that you have a soul after all buried somewhere underneath all that ice," she said sarcastically.
"And I'm sure you'd be the first to recognize a soul when you see one," he replied. "Well, I'm off."
"Yeah, bye," she said, yanking the covers back over head as she lay down.
He let himself out, breathing his usual sigh of relief as he did so. It wasn't that he thought Asteria actually wanted something more from him, but one day she might. Or worse yet, she'd wake up and see him lying next to her in the harsh light of morning and realize that he wasn't at all what she did want. He didn't want to be there to witness that when it happened. He knew he didn't have anything to offer her besides being a good fuck, and eventually, even that wouldn't be enough for a woman like her.
II.
Asteria Apparated into her flat and hurriedly started casting a Scourgify on the kitchen and the sitting room before making her way to the bedroom to change out of her work robes. Draco had owled her at work, asking if he could come over, foregoing their usual ritual of having a few drinks at the pub, and she'd agreed. It had occurred to her afterwards how untidy her flat was, so she hurried home to tidy up.
She didn't know why she was bothering though. It wasn't as if he'd never seen her flat in this state before, but then, they were usually distracted by other things and he never stayed long after to actually take in the clutter that was her flat. She was rather surprised that he was asking to come over, not completely sure of his intentions, though she was sure shagging was involved in there somewhere. Or at least she hoped so. It had been a week since he'd last been over and although she'd had a date with a rather fit bloke the other night, it hadn't quite gone the way she had hoped as she'd gone home alone. She supposed she could have shagged him if she'd really wanted, but he had been an utter bore so she cut their date short. Still, it wouldn't have been the first time she overlooked personality for a good shag, thinking of Draco, even though, if she was honest with herself, she didn't mind his personality so much.
Obviously not if she was going to so much trouble for him, she thought wryly as she brushed out her hair and tried to decide if she had time for a quick shower. She liked Draco more than she cared to admit. When she'd first met him at the pub several months earlier, she still half-expected him to be the same pompous git she'd known from Hogwarts, but of course, the war had changed him. Her sister had fancied him back then, but Asteria hadn't given him much thought-he was just one of the annoying older Slytherins always bragging about their status. And because she'd grown up in a home where achieving a higher status was looked at as a worthy goal, she'd been very aware of how much it was a turn off to be surrounded constantly by that kind of talk at school-blood status and eventually, towards the end of the war, 'who was who' in Voldemort's inner circle.
Her mother's father had a been a Muggle, which she'd learned from Daphne the summer before Asteria started at Hogwarts, and that it was something that she was never to mention to anyone else as it was apparently a shameful secret of their family. Her mother didn't talk to that side of her family anymore and worked hard to cover up that fact, and if it got out, Daphne told her they were to deny any relation to Muggles. During the war, denying any relation to Muggles had been necessary to survive, but it hadn't saved her parents in the end when it had been determined that some of the dark objects they'd been circulating through their home had led to the death of several Muggles. They'd gone to Azkaban for their crimes and left Asteria to deal with their mess. Of course, Daphne had gone off and married the first guy who'd asked and didn't want to have anything to do with their parents while Asteria acted as the dutiful daughter who'd still kept them up to date on what was happening in the wizarding world and visited them every so often.
She had some idea of why Draco was coming over straight away tonight. According to the Daily Prophet, his mother was being released from Azkaban tomorrow. Not that she expected him to admit to it, but she could understand the frustration and anger at having to deal with the aftermath of his parents' actions.
~~~
Draco showed up a little after seven and though Asteria was tempted to greet him completely starkers, she dressed in a large jumper and shorts so as not to thoroughly distract him in case he did have something else on his mind. They stared at each other in silence for the first few moments and then she offered him some Firewhisky so as to avoid any awkward silences. He readily accepted and they sat at the table, the awkwardness not entirely abated.
"So, er, thanks for letting me come straight over," Draco said at last. "You even tided up, and it's about time I must say," he added cheekily.
She could feel her face warm. "I thought you'd had more interesting things to focus your attention on in the past than to notice whether I tided up."
"Oh, I notice everything."
"'Well then, are you here for the usual or is there some special reason you've decided to forego our routine where you pretend to pick me up at a pub?" she asked.
"Actually I believe it's the other way around, and no, no special reason," he said.
She waited for him to continue but when he didn't, she stood. "Shall we then?" She wasn't about to force him into conversation if he wasn't interested.
He grabbed her arm. "I could do with another drink first," he said, letting go of her to pour himself more Firewhisky.
She sat back down, drumming her fingers on the table while she watched him drink.
He set his glass down and then suddenly asked, "Do you ever visit your parents in Azkaban?"
Asteria knew the surprise was showing on her face. He'd never asked her about her parents before. "A few times, yes…Do you?" she asked carefully.
He shook his head. "I saw them once and I could never make myself go back. It was-I kept thinking how easily I could have been stuck in there. And I suppose I felt, well, guilty, because I could have tried to at least get my mother a lighter sentence but I didn't because, for the first time, I didn't have my parents over my shoulder, dictating my every move, and I could finally figure out who I really am, what I really want to do with my life. Only I haven't and I have nothing to show for myself when my mum gets out tomorrow. Some ridiculous part of me still feels the need to prove myself to my parents and some part of me wishes that they would just stay in Azkaban or just some where far away. I dunno, maybe this all sounds ridiculous."
"It doesn't. You're confused and angry but a little uncomfortable with those feelings because you feel like you still owe them something. They are your parent after all. That confused guilt, I know it well," she said, folding her arms.
"Well how do you deal with it? I'm just curious, mind, not trying to make crib notes or anything."
"I just do." She shrugged. "I mean, it's not as if the feelings just go away and though I haven't ever agreed with my parents over much of anything, I can't bring myself to dismiss them either. Sometimes I'd rather not, but then I guilt myself into it by telling myself they've no else since Daphne seems to have no problem acting like they don't exist, but I suppose she picked that up from them. Parental relationships are just difficult that way."
Draco seemed to muse over this as he swirled his drink in his glass. "Are all parents this skilled at fucking their children up or are we just lucky?" he said with a bitter laugh, finishing off his drink.
After a beat of silence, he said, "I don't know what to say to my mother tomorrow. How do I face her?"
She shook her head. "I don't know. But she's your mother; I'm sure she still cares about you. Is that what you're afraid of, that she doesn't?"
He frowned. "I'm not afraid, all right…She risked her life for me, going against Voldemort. Potter told me that she lied to Voldemort about him being dead. I don't know why he told me that; maybe he wanted me to feel guilty about not trying to appeal her sentence. Potter always was a prat. But I've done nothing for her. What do I even owe her?"
Asteria reached across the table for his hand, covering his with her own. They'd hardly ever touched, in a non-sexual way that was, and it felt a little strange at first. After a few long moments, he turned his palm upward and clasped her hand. Asteria decided that she liked the way it felt.
"My job is shit and my flat is dreary and that's about all I have going on in my life, and well, you I guess, but you don't exactly count. Why should I even care what she thinks?" he said.
Asteria bristled a little at that. "Why don't I count? I mean, I know I'm not your girlfriend, but aren't I something?"
"I can't exactly introduce you as the woman I've been fucking for the past several months, now can I? Are we even friends?"
"I think we could be considered friends at least. Hell, maybe our parents have even become chummy up in old Azkaban, too." Draco snorted at that. She thought she could get used to the idea of being friends with Draco.
"So frequent sex and conversation makes us friends, does it?"
"Well, have you any better options?"
He made another face. "Fine then, friends."
Once that that was established, there was something that she'd always been curious about. "Is that why we never go to your flat? Because it's dreary, as you put it?"
"Call me vain, but I suppose that's part of it. Your flat is closer to the pub anyway."
"What if we met somewhere closer to your flat or just skipped the pre-meetings altogether, like tonight?"
Draco frowned a little but didn't say anything and then it occurred to her what the other part of it was. "I see, you're too much of a gentleman to give me the boot from your place, is that it? And you can't very well go running away in your own flat."
"I don't run away, I just prefer not wear out my welcome."
"Of course, how considerate of you." She decided to ask another question that had just struck her curiosity. "Why is your flat so dreary? Aren't your parents disgustingly rich or did you all lose your fortune after the war?"
"There was still a large inheritance in our vault after an official search was done, but it's frozen while they're in Azkaban and I'm not allowed to have access to it until my restrictions are up. Well, technically, I guess it'll be unfrozen tomorrow when my mother gets out. If you were hoping to land yourself a rich man, sorry to disappoint you. I'm not rich and my name means shit these days," he said. "So I can't help you with your social climbing. Isn't that what you Greengrasses are known for, being avid social climbers?"
She pulled her hand away from his, surprised by how much that stung, even though she knew he'd said it mostly in jest. She crossed her arms over her chest again.
"What? You're not offended are you?" he asked uncertainly.
"No," she replied coolly. "Why would I be offended by someone whose family can't think for themselves and blindly followed a complete sociopath?" They stared at each other for a moment crossly.
Then Draco stood. "Are we going to do this or what?"
"Sounds fine to me," she snapped, leading the way to her bedroom.
Once in her room, she half-expected Draco to start tearing off her clothes. She was even kind of hoping for that now that she was feeling a little tense. Instead, he kissed her. They'd kissed plenty of times before but with the same urgency they had in ridding each other of clothes and getting right down to the sex. It was always frenzied as though they had little time together and couldn't possibly do everything they wanted with each other but were going to try. She enjoyed that, but this was something different. He kissed her slowly; she thought it was trepidation at first, but then she realized he was kissing her purposefully, as though trying her out. She could taste the Firewhisky in his warm mouth. She may have even whimpered once as he gripped her waist more firmly, his tongue moving against hers.
When he finally pulled away for a moment, she was glad he was holding her up. His mouth moved to her neck, his lips brushing a trail of heat and turning her soft in his arms. She tightened her grip on his shoulders as his tongue marked the dip at the base of her throat. She bit her lip, not quite silencing the soft moan that rose up from the back of her throat.
His hands crept under her jumper and he ran his knuckles up her spine, causing her to inhale with his movement. His hands didn't move with their usual demand, they explored and caressed, finally coming to her breasts. It was quite unlike anything Asteria had ever experienced. He let go of her momentarily to pull off her jumper. She moved backwards until she felt the bed behind her and sunk down onto it. Draco followed, his mouth covering the spots his hands had just been, drawing out even deeper pleasure. She moaned softly as she felt his hand clasp her breast while his tongue found the indentation of her belly button.
Asteria reached for him a few times. She could feel him very hard against her thigh, but he brushed her away. So she lay still with one hand at rest on her stomach and the other kneading her breast. The stillness didn't last as he pulled off her shorts; she didn't miss the sharp inhale and swears under his breath when he realized she wasn't wearing knickers. He set his mouth to work on her thighs; first her left thigh, sucking at the fullness of the flesh there, and then the right, each time getting very close to her center before pulling away. She whimpered his name, thinking she might very well faint, not able to stand his teasing anymore. Draco held her leg up, bringing it up to kiss the back of her knee before letting it rest on his shoulder. He met her eyes for the first time; she saw a hint of a smirk in his eyes and she realized how much he was enjoying teasing her.
"You arse," she muttered. His mouth merely twisted into a cross between a grin and a smirk in reply. In the next moment, his tongue was on her clit and she arched up in surprise and pleasure. She felt his tongue tracing circles over her and then the push of his fingers as he entered her. The sensation of his mouth and his fingers and the heat spreading throughout her and the fervor of her own pleasure were too much. His grip on her thigh grew tighter and she was suddenly overwhelmed by her own pleasure radiating through her body in wave after wave.
As she lay there, motionless, except for the rise and fall of her chest, she could feel Draco moving next to her. She moved the hand that she must have at some point brought to her face and saw him undressing. Reaching for his arm, she gave him a feeble squeeze.
"I'd help you, but you've turned me quite useless at the moment," she murmured. "I hope you're happy."
"Very. And don't you dare move," he said. He straddled her and brought his face down to hers, drawing her in for another long kiss. She did the exploring this time, tasting herself along with the Firewhisky now.
Asteria opened her eyes to look at him. He was already staring at her rather intently and she wasn't sure what his eyes, normally so chilly and guarded but now quite alit, were really seeing. She brushed some of the hair off his forehead, letting it fall back into place when she moved her hand. "What?" she asked.
"I don't think I've ever told you, but you're quite beautiful. I think you're beautiful all the time," he said softly.
"Oh, well," she said, feeling her cheeks warm. "Er, thank you." She decided that she rather liked hearing that, although she wasn't sure why her face was coloring when she was already naked underneath him.
He readjusted his position so that he could enter her, and when he pushed inside of her with one thrust, she wrapped a leg around him. Draco groaned her name as she grasped his arse, urging him deeper still. They moved with each other, finding the right rhythm, and at some point, they turned over so that she was staring down at him. He looked very enamored with his view and she grinned at him. She moved slowly, dragging it out until she became caught up with the friction they created, the sound of his gasps mingling with her own breathy moans, his hands touching as much of her as possible. The tension built until she finally came with a great release as she heard her name fall from his lips with a deeper desperation this time.
Asteria fell against him, her chest in rhythm with his. She didn't think she'd move again for a week, content to stay right there. He was so warm, or maybe that was her. At the moment, she felt there wasn't much difference between them.
Eventually, he wrapped his arms around her and she wriggled against him a little. When she felt some semblance of normal, she moved upward so that she could kiss him, kiss his nose, his cheeks, his eyelids. She curled up at his side, trailing little kisses over his neck. He ran his hand up and down her arm lazily.
There was a strange tenderness running through their touches. It felt different than the cool distance normally between them. But it was…nice. Asteria liked the way she fit against Draco. In her stupor, she imagined, for the first time, what it might be like to always have Draco like this-warm and close, to tell him things she'd never been able to tell others and to have him understand. Draco pulled her closer and she wondered vaguely if he felt the same.
III.
Asteria didn't see him for weeks after that. At first, she told herself it really wasn't a big deal. His mother had just been released from Azkaban and he would surely be helping her become reacquainted with life outside of Azkaban and needed time to sort out things with her. And she and Draco each led their own lives and certainly didn't owe anything to each other. While there were a few things she might miss about having him around, she had plenty of other things to keep her occupied. Like her work, which was, well it could be quite dull but she didn't entirely dislike the job, and then there was her social life, which maybe wasn't terribly exciting but it suited her; she still had the same small but close group of friends that she'd had at Hogwarts. Draco couldn't be the most interesting part of her life-no, that was simply too sad a thought to contemplate.
She wondered if, now that she wasn't seeing him somewhat regularly, maybe she could find a proper boyfriend since she hadn't had one of those in a year. But the prospects weren't looking particularly interesting. Her last boyfriend, Stephen, had been fun for a while; she'd fancied him for some time during her school years, but she'd eventually grown bored of him. She was perfectly fine with being single anyway.
By the second month, she was annoyed. If Draco didn't want to continue their arrangement, that was fine by her. It wasn't like they had ever worked out some set rules for it anyway. But at the very least, he could do her the courtesy of telling her he wasn't interested in continuing their relationship, not that it really was a proper relationship. The more she thought about it, the more worked up she got. Hadn't they at least agreed they were friends? Some friend he'd turned out to be.
Asteria was upset with herself for getting so worked up over Draco bloody Malfoy in the first place. He was most likely not doing the same. She didn't know why she cared so much. Sure, her body knew there was certainly much to appreciate about him, but the rest of her had to know better.
She resolved to forget about him and was into the start of day three when she got his owl, which read simply:
Asteria,
Do you want to meet at our usual place? Around 7?
Draco
How dare he just owl her after two months of silence and to suggest meeting at their usual spot as if nothing had changed at all! She couldn't pin down exactly what had changed, just that something had shifted enough to make her angry at him and herself. It was almost as if he thought she'd be sitting around, waiting for him, and jumping at the first sign of interest from him. She crumpled his note, tossing it aside, and decided that she was just going to ignore him.
Throughout the rest of the day, Asteria fought with herself over whether or not she should meet him. She tried to ignore him except he was still in the back of her mind, driving her mad. Maybe she would pop by the pub later, but only to tell him exactly what she thought of him, even as the sensible part of her was saying no, just forget the whole thing. But when she found herself standing outside of the pub that evening, it was apparent the non-sensible part of her outweighed the sensible part. He was already sitting at the bar when she entered but didn't notice her until she sat down next to him.
"You showed," he said, obviously surprised.
"Why are you so surprised?" she questioned, alternately feeling annoyed with herself for coming and annoyed that she was even still annoyed. Why should he bother her so much? "You seemed to assume that I would."
"Well, I wasn't sure. I thought perhaps you might either be upset with me or you just wouldn't care much either way," he said. "So which is it?"
"You mean, am I angry that you just disappeared for two months and I didn't once hear from you? No, why would I be angry? It doesn't matter to me what you do with your life; it's not as if we're together or anything," she said stiffly, trying not to betray any emotion she actually felt. She waved down the barman, deciding that she was in need of a drink if she was going to continue this conversation.
"Oh, well good…So how have you been?" he asked slowly.
She raised her eyebrows and took a long sip of the drink the barman had just placed in front of her before answering, "You're still shit at small talk, Malfoy, so why not get down to what you really want? Why did you want to see me?"
"What makes you think I want anything?"
"Because you just owled me after two months of nothing. You must want something," she pressed.
He shrugged. "I thought we could just have a drink, like normal."
"And then what? Go back to my flat for a shag?" His expressions seemed to suggest that was exactly what he thought. He started to say something, but she cut him off. "I can't believe you! Two months of nothing, not even an owl, and then suddenly, you want to meet and act like everything is still exactly the same? You have some nerve, Draco Malfoy!"
"And here I was under the impression that you weren't angry. You said it yourself, we're not together and it doesn't matter to you what I do, so why you should you be angry?" he said, sounding equally annoyed now.
"Because you could have at least done the courteous thing and told me you were going to disappear."
"I wasn't aware that I owed you any explanations," Draco said coldly.
She stared at him for a moment, knowing that was probably true, but it didn't make her feel any better. "You're right. You don't owe me anything, and I don't owe you anything either, including my time. Goodbye, Draco," she said, standing up to leave. She paid for her drink and left without another look at him.
"Asteria," he called after her. She made it all the way outside before he caught up to her, grabbing her arm. "You want to know why you didn't hear me from two months, fine-it was you," he said.
"What?" she demanded, distracted enough to stop wriggling out of his grip.
"I couldn't be around you for a while because I was feeling close to you in a way that made me uncomfortable. I had to put some distance between us, and now that I have, I think I can be around you again without feeling…that way," he said.
She tried to make sense of what he told her, but it didn't make sense. He'd never seemed particularly interested in her past their usual relationship. So maybe they'd become a little closer during their time together. "Why?" she finally asked. "Because we actually had a real conversation?"
"It wasn't just that. It's everything…it's you, just being around you, I feel closer to you than I have to anyone else. You make me feel…things," he said, looking awkward. If she wasn't so taken aback by the turn their conversation had taken, she might have been more amused at how young and awkward Draco suddenly became before her very eyes.
"I make you feel things as you so eloquently put it, so you couldn't have anything to do with me? Wow, the depth of your emotional maturity astounds me," she said.
He colored at that. "I never claimed to possess great emotional depths. I've always been a rather shallow person. I didn't even want to tell you any of this in the first place, but you were getting your knickers into such a twist. Can we just forget it?"
"No. Look if you really felt that way, you could have told me-"
"Why would I tell you? All it would have done was make things weird between us."
"Like you ignoring me for two months didn't make things weird?"
He frowned. "I wasn't ignoring you, I just need some space. I didn't want to complicate things, and I don't want to feel that way."
Asteria felt her heart actually drop a little at that."Of course, why would you want to feel anything for me? I'm a fine enough person to fuck but not to actually care about," she said darkly.
Draco sighed. "That's not what I'm saying."
"No, that's just what you meant."
"See, this is why I didn't want to say anything; it's already complicating things. You're completely misunderstanding what I am trying to tell you."
"Then what are you trying to say, Draco?" she demanded.
"I'm saying that you would never be truly interested in someone like me. I'm not right for you, and I could never be anything for you other than an occasional shag. If I let myself become attached to you, then I'd have to deal with the inevitably shitty outcome, and I really don't have that in me," he said.
"How do you know what I'd be truly interested in? Have you ever asked me? No, so what right do you have to make assumptions?"
"My keen sense of self-preservation lets me make those kinds of assumptions," he declared unpleasantly.
Asteria decided that she'd had enough of Draco and this conversation. She was feeling more worked up than when they started. "Well, you can have all the space you need. And don't follow me this time!"
She Apparated away with one last glare at him.
~~~
Much to Asteria's further annoyance, she could not stop thinking of Draco the next day or the next, try as she might. It was infuriating to be unable to rid him from her mind and it put her in a right foul mood. She had to work extra hard at being pleasant with some of the goblins at Gringotts.
At first, she was angry at him for telling her what she would want and not want. As if he really knew her or had any right to make those kind of decisions for her. If she wanted nothing more to do with him because of what he was or wasn't, then that was up to her. Who was he to make the assumption that she wouldn't be interested in him anyway?
But the more she thought about it, the more he didn't seem entirely off base in his assumptions, to her utter annoyance. He wasn't her type was he, not that she was sure she had a type. What did they really know about each other? Sure, they had some things in common and she'd been surprised by how attracted she'd been to him when they first met. But he was Draco Malfoy, former Death Eater and lonely individual. Like her, minus the Death Eater part. Asteria wasn't going to fool herself. She knew that two of them met a little too often for them to just be looking for a fun and casual shag, even though that was certainly part of it. They might not have been looking for some sort of deeper relationship but that didn't stop them from seeking some semblance of intimacy, and maybe something more, from each other. She knew part of what drove them to the warmth of each other was that cold feeling left by dissatisfaction with various parts of their lives.
Maybe they couldn't really offer each other much of anything when it came down to it, but if Asteria was honest with herself, she'd have to face why she'd been so worked up about not seeing him for so long, why she was so worked up now. She'd been denying any feelings she might have for him to herself to the whole time she didn't see him. She'd denied it to him. Maybe he hadn't been wrong in concealing his feelings; she wasn't any better, was she?
But what good would it do to admit to them? She'd been annoyed by his assumptions, the way he just claimed so surely that she wouldn't want someone like him, but did she? Mutual attraction and loneliness weren't enough to build a relationship on. There was more depth to Draco than she thought, and she liked him, liked the way he made her feel, and the way she felt with him. But was that enough?
IV.
The days seemed to go by agonizingly slow as they passed by in their usual fashion with one notable absence. Draco tried to find some joy in the fact that he was that much closer to being done with his restrictions, but it just seemed some vague destination he was slowly moving towards. He knew it was there, but he didn't know much about it; he didn't know what he'd do when he was free. What did he want? Did he want anything?
A certain blonde came to mind, but wanting her wouldn't do any good. Draco had forced himself to stay away from her long enough to think that she wasn't really anything to him, but that all went to shit the moment he saw her. Her forcing him to admit his reasons for his distance hadn't helped any either. He didn't know why he was so enamored with her anyway; she made demands of him like she had every right, and she had no problem pointing out when she thought he was acting like a right bastard. But she also seemed to understand him in an odd way, and it had made him a little uncomfortable talking to her about himself or his family because of that. For most of his young life, he'd been used to people deferring to him because of his family or acting in jealously, and so far during his adult life, he was usually looked at and treated with disdain because of them and what he'd done or ignored. But he'd never simply talked with anyone without any of those factors marring the conversation.
With Asteria, he was in danger of becoming something resembling an individual sensitive to feelings, his own and those of others. Draco had never had to consider other people before; it was part of the privilege he'd been born with, that was, until he had to watch his every move out of fear of death, of course. If he was with Asteria, he'd have to consider her feelings and ultimately take some responsibility for how treated her, how he thought of her. When he was with Pansy, he'd come and gone as he'd pleased, never taking her feelings into consideration, and she'd allowed it. After the war ended, when he tried to connect with her, she had turned her back on him. He knew it was not just what he'd done during the war, because she'd known his role and the things he'd done, but that she could finally turn her back on him for the way he treated her and there was nothing for her to lose in doing so. Actually, none of his former friends would have anything to do with him after the war ended. They nor had their families all been entirely innocent, and they hadn't stepped up to fight during the war out of self-perseveration, but they hadn't shouldered the same pressure Draco had during the war and could, to a certain point, deny involvement with it, something he could never do.
If Draco was completely honest, then it wasn't so much that he feared becoming some kind of person who was actually considerate of others, but that he'd revealed too much of himself to Asteria. He wasn't the sort of person who ever completely revealed himself to anyone. His father had thoroughly instilled in him the importance of that idea, teaching that he'd always retain power over others the less he gave away of himself. It wasn't that he was delusional enough to think that he held some power over her, but she actually held power over him in that she could easily reject him. He wasn't going to make himself believe that he could ever be anything serious to her, but that hadn't prevented him from letting himself become close to her, which would just make the rejection all the more painful when it finally came.
He had been stupid to think that a few months apart from her would chase those feelings away. He'd only talked himself into feeling distant enough from her to see her again because he'd missed her so much. The fact that he'd missed her at all told Draco how pathetic he'd become. Of course she'd been angry with him. He'd half-expected it, but his pride hadn't let her just be angry and be done with it; he'd stayed away to feebly protect himself from what was sure to be her frank rejection, which only seemed to upset her further.
Now Draco had to figure out how to pass his days without her. Seeing her once or twice during the week had been something of a bright spot and he felt dulled without her. But it was probably for the best. Whatever affection he had for her wasn't enough and it was best not to drag it out.
There was also the matter of his mother that he was still trying to deal with. Their first meeting outside of Azkaban had been stilted. He had accompanied her home and she'd inquired into the details of his life. He only gave her the briefest version, which wasn't much better than the long version considering that most of the details of his life had been easily described in full quite briefly. She had lost much of her haughty, regal appearance, Azkaban having aged her considerably, and she hadn't wanted to discuss it much beyond telling him that his father was doing well enough. But much to her credit, she hadn't let her time in Azkaban completely diminish who she was and, soon enough, she'd set about trying to regain the normalcy of her previous life. She didn't go out in public much, which was to be expected, but she had completely redone the Manor, though it would be some time before his father was released, ridding it of any sign of its previous occupants, and he'd noticed that the grey hairs she'd come home with soon disappeared.
She'd hinted a few times about him moving home, but for once, he'd been glad he had the excuse of his restrictions preventing him from living so far out of London away from his work. He had absolutely no desire to live at his parents' home ever again. His mother may have been able to erase any physical evidence of its past, but that would never rid him of the feelings of fear and suffocation he felt there as soon as he stepped inside.
Eventually she had moved on to his job, suggesting various options he should consider when he was done with his present one, which she was convinced was below him, and while he would have agreed with her in the past, he didn't know what else he could or wanted to do until she had suggested that he try for one of the apprentice potions position, which usually opened up a few times a year at St. Mungo's. The apprentices were trained in mixing and trying to create new antidotes, and Draco had to admit that he was intrigued. Potions had been his best subject, but he was still months away from being able to consider anything else.
So slowly, each day seemed to drag out longer than the last. And Draco, not wanting to sacrifice any more of his dignity, tried to forget Asteria permanently this time. Of course that was easier said than done.
His intentions were all well and good until Asteria showed up at his doorstep one night. He was taken aback at her presence, shivering and pink-cheeked in front of him, looking as good as ever.
"Are you going to let me in or just let me freeze to death out here?" she demanded, snapping him out of his shock.
"That depends. What are you doing here?" he asked. She just rolled her eyes and pushed past him to get inside. He shut the door behind her and studied her, trying to figure out her motives, as she glanced around his flat. "How did you find out where I live?"
"I looked you up," she said. "Oh, don't give me that look, Malfoy. You never let me come here so I had to get resourceful, and in case you're wondering, which I know you are, I looked you up at the bank. The information we have on your family's vault includes your whole family's current whereabouts since there are significant restrictions about who can access the vault."
"Well, aren't you the cunning one…So what are you doing here?" he repeated. "You've seen my flat now. The minuscule kitchen is right over there and will take you all of two seconds to see, and the bedroom is back there. Go ahead and have your look since you worked so hard to get here."
She took off her cloak and draped it over the back of a chair. "At least it's warm in here."
"Do you make yourself this comfortable everywhere you've not been invited?"
She gave him a look. "I've come here to tell you that in your arsehole assumptions about me, you may have been correct when you said that you might not be right for me, but quite honestly, I don't know what is. I just know how I feel, and when I'm with you, I like the way I feel. I just thought it fair that you know so we can both say that we were never dishonest with each other," she said in a clipped tone.
"Oh." Draco started to say something else but stopped, unsure of what it was exactly he was trying to say. Finally he settled on, "And what brought this on?"
"We haven't seen each other in a while, not since that night at the pub, and before that, well, I-I just realized how much I missed you. Honestly, I'm not sure what it is about you, but I didn't want to never see you again," she said, the emotion catching in her voice now.
"Asteria, you're making this unbelievably difficult," he groaned. "I've nothing to offer you and whatever you think I am, I'm-"
"Oh, shut it, Draco. I don't know how you got this idealized vision of me in your head but whatever it is, I'm sure it's completely off base. I'm nothing extraordinary. I work at Gringotts and I'm still not sure I like it after more than a year there. For the longest time, I thought I'd become a Healer, but six weeks into the training, I realized that blood and pus and unidentifiable substances oozing out of gaping wounds wasn't at all for me. My parents are in Azkaban; they're not great people but they're my parents, and I can't bring myself to just forget them. My sister can be a right cow sometimes. I'm a picky eater, am terribly grouchy in the mornings, and I'm forever arriving late. You're Draco Malfoy, former Death Eater; you've participated in some terrible things and were thoroughly influenced by your parents, but you're not a terrible person. You're trying to find your way now, but you're confused and wondering if you really belong anywhere anymore. You're not a mystery and neither am I. We're just two people who've found bits of happiness, or at least contentment with each other, and maybe there's more to be had if we try a bit harder."
Draco raised his eyebrows, thoroughly shocked again by her and her declaration. He wasn't even sure what to begin to think. "What are you saying exactly?" he asked.
"I'm saying we shouldn't just assume we can't make each other happy. I don't think we really know enough to make that assertion."
"But you want to try?" he said, still unsure of her meaning.
"I'm not sure that what we do know about each other or whether loneliness or our attraction to each other is enough to build some sort of relationship on, but I think we owe it to each other and ourselves to see if there's something-Look Draco, I'm trying to be rational about this whole thing, but do you want to be with me or not?" she said with a note of annoyance tingeing her voice.
He could hardly believe that she was standing before him, in his flat, asking him if he wanted to be with her. It didn't seem real. "Well, yes. And you want to be with me?" he asked hesitantly.
"Yes!"
It still didn't seem quite right, like she was going to laugh him off at any moment, thinking him daft for actually taking her seriously. But as it stood, he was going to go with it; it would be very stupid to say no if she was serious, although he wasn't convinced that she wouldn't rethink her position soon. How he loathed the uncertainty that followed him everywhere; he missed that easy confidence he used to possess, or at least his ability to appear confident even when he wasn't. "Okay…so what do we do now?" he asked.
She uncrossed her arms and let them hang by her sides as she looked around his flat once more. With a shrug, she said, "Shag?"
Draco rather liked that idea and they took to it quickly enough, stumbling towards his bedroom and out of their clothes. It had been a while since the last time they'd been together, which possibly accounted for some of their fumbling, but it wasn't awkward. On the contrary, it heightened their anticipation and made Draco all the more eager to touch and taste as much as possible.
When she was finally just down to skin, his lips were everywhere-her breasts, her stomach, the curve of her hip, the soft crook of her elbow--he wanted to reach everywhere for fear that he might never get the chance again. She writhed under him, one of her hands wound in his hair. The rest of his clothes came off and she fell on top of him, her tongue tracing its own map of all her favorite spots over his body. He groaned appreciatively as her tongue moved up the length of his cock, even though she didn't spend much time there, but he was quickly distracted by her pleading for his cock to be elsewhere.
He fulfilled her request at once, taking in the way she inhaled and closed her eyes as he entered her, etching the image into his mind. After his initial thrust into her, he stilled for a moment, watching her until she eventually opened her eyes to stare back at him. He could see the words on her lips fade and instead, she brushed the back of her fingers against his cheek. He covered her hand with his own, kissing her palm before bringing her hand to rest on the back of his neck.
He leaned forward to kiss her on the mouth as he started to move within her again. "I missed you so much," he muttered, kissing her neck. She dug her fingers into his back and grasped his arse with her other hand. He groaned in response and moved with greater need against her, faster and drawing out louder cries from her each time. Asteria shuddered against him and watching her come with the last shriek of his name before biting down on his shoulder sent him falling after her.
Draco collapsed against her for a few moments before rolling to her side and gathering her in his arms. He could feel her breath, hot and uneven, on his chest eventually become steady. She kissed his chest, moving up his neck until she landed on his lips. He wanted to memorize everything about her in that moment, the way she felt in his arms, warm and vibrant, the softness of her lips, the silky strands of her hair intertwined with his fingers. He tasted the salt on her skin and sought out the dip at the base of her throat.
"This spot. What's this called? I love this spot. Let this be my spot," he murmured against her. "And you can have that spot on my shoulder you seem to enjoy marking with your teeth so much."
He felt her throaty laugh. "I suppose I do fancy that particular spot. This spot is yours then. I've not as much use for it." She gripped his chin, lifting his face to hers. "So, are you going to give me the boot or can I stay?"
"If I gave you the boot right now, you can have me committed to St. Mungo's," he said.
"Good," she settled against his chest. "Because I'm planning on staying a while."
"How long?"
"I'm not sure yet, but I'm looking forward to finding out."