Essay on Miranda and Joyd/Being a Noah
Miranda has a very complicated relationship with Joyd, and it's changed a lot over the time since she first became a Noah. This essay will attempt to explain this relationship.
In the start, Miranda thought being a Noah meant being part of a family and using the powers that came with that status to serve said family. She was entirely devoted, and desperate to prove herself worthy of being a Noah. She wanted her family to love her, appreciate her, and accept her. And it seemed like they did! So she was happy, and any fears or trepidations about losing herself to the Noah she dismissed as ultimately unimportant or hid behind her zeal and fervor. As Joyd became more active and the memories of her past life subsequently became more apparent, she began to doubt herself and the Noah more. However even as she doubted she felt guilt and fear for it, and hated herself more and more for not filling the mold she thought she needed to fit. Throughout this she never thought to turn her hate and fear on Joyd, only the process of being consumed itself. Think of how one might hate going to the doctor's office, but doesn't (normally) hate the doctors themselves- though more extreme, of course.
All of this changed after her decision to defect. I already essayed on this decision, but not really on the effects of it on her and Joyd's relationship. Essentially, she came to direct all that fear and hate about the process and her failure to accept it towards the actual cause of it- Joyd. She began to see it as an intruder and a parasite, yet still an integral part of her identity. Needlessly to say it's ridiculously complicated. To explain it best, it needs to be understood that to reject Joyd as a part of her is to accept her choice as a mistake. To accept her choice as a mistake is in turn to accept her past life, and that everything she once stood for as a Noah is not simply "not for her" but fundamentally wrong. Even as a defector, that's too much for her to bear. She's not yet reached the stage of grief (because that's what much of this is, in an odd way- grieving her mistakes) where she can accept it. So for now, she continues to see Joyd as a part of her. A part she's terrified of, but which she clings to both for the aforementioned reasons and not insignificantly, for the power it gives her.
Especially now that she's pregnant, Miranda recognizes the need for a means to defend herself. To become only human would deny her that- or at least decrease it significantly- and she'd much rather stay alive, even in the DR. Not only for her child's sake, but because death is her greatest fear, right after being consumed or losing Joyd. (This isn't to say that she'd rather die than lose her Noah, though.) Regardless, if she were able to keep the abilities associated with a Noah- to consume it, instead of the other way around- she would gladly kill it off. When she had full control of it and its awakened form in the Innocence-induced memory place, she loved the feeling of power that came with it. Still, she holds no love or mercy for Joyd, even if it is an arguably sentient being.
This essay will probably be updated again in a few months, but for now that's where she stands!
In the start, Miranda thought being a Noah meant being part of a family and using the powers that came with that status to serve said family. She was entirely devoted, and desperate to prove herself worthy of being a Noah. She wanted her family to love her, appreciate her, and accept her. And it seemed like they did! So she was happy, and any fears or trepidations about losing herself to the Noah she dismissed as ultimately unimportant or hid behind her zeal and fervor. As Joyd became more active and the memories of her past life subsequently became more apparent, she began to doubt herself and the Noah more. However even as she doubted she felt guilt and fear for it, and hated herself more and more for not filling the mold she thought she needed to fit. Throughout this she never thought to turn her hate and fear on Joyd, only the process of being consumed itself. Think of how one might hate going to the doctor's office, but doesn't (normally) hate the doctors themselves- though more extreme, of course.
All of this changed after her decision to defect. I already essayed on this decision, but not really on the effects of it on her and Joyd's relationship. Essentially, she came to direct all that fear and hate about the process and her failure to accept it towards the actual cause of it- Joyd. She began to see it as an intruder and a parasite, yet still an integral part of her identity. Needlessly to say it's ridiculously complicated. To explain it best, it needs to be understood that to reject Joyd as a part of her is to accept her choice as a mistake. To accept her choice as a mistake is in turn to accept her past life, and that everything she once stood for as a Noah is not simply "not for her" but fundamentally wrong. Even as a defector, that's too much for her to bear. She's not yet reached the stage of grief (because that's what much of this is, in an odd way- grieving her mistakes) where she can accept it. So for now, she continues to see Joyd as a part of her. A part she's terrified of, but which she clings to both for the aforementioned reasons and not insignificantly, for the power it gives her.
Especially now that she's pregnant, Miranda recognizes the need for a means to defend herself. To become only human would deny her that- or at least decrease it significantly- and she'd much rather stay alive, even in the DR. Not only for her child's sake, but because death is her greatest fear, right after being consumed or losing Joyd. (This isn't to say that she'd rather die than lose her Noah, though.) Regardless, if she were able to keep the abilities associated with a Noah- to consume it, instead of the other way around- she would gladly kill it off. When she had full control of it and its awakened form in the Innocence-induced memory place, she loved the feeling of power that came with it. Still, she holds no love or mercy for Joyd, even if it is an arguably sentient being.
This essay will probably be updated again in a few months, but for now that's where she stands!