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[fairfax48]

I felt super-relaxed yesterday. At night. During and after my shower, before I got into bed, and then the panic came back. Maybe it’s just my room. It’s a pretty claustrophobic place. Everything felt so ultrafine. I wish I could have that sort of contentment all the time. It was sweet. I’ve never known that feeling, ever. Like everything might not

Comments

[allisten]

I've been through something similar. Everytime I felt content, I thought, I must be lowering my expectations. I still think the same to a degree, and I still try never to be content for too long. It has brought on accusations that I think too much, but to look back and see the changes in myself from year to year - that's why I'm glad I do it. I dunno, you could be talking about something else.

As for "growing up, calming down" - my view of grown up and fully matured is something along the lines of...you know that a lot of life is painful and futile, but being cynical doesn't help any, so you make a commitment to happiness and doing what you want to do. [and when cynical teenagers come to you in the throes of depression, you tell them about beautiful places in Florence, about a touchingly poignant story, and yes, I'm speaking of Hugh, because he's probably the reason why I've adapted this view]. I digress.