STXI Kink Meme Ooshy-Squooshy Round-Up
Characters/Pairing: Sulu/Everyone, Sulu/Chekov
Rating: PG-13 for language
Kink Request: "I want people of the Enterprise all going to Sulu to lose their virginity. Chekov, Spock, Uhura, even Kirk if you can manage it. All getting their cherries popped by Sulu. There is not enough Sulu."
6. Scotty
"My bonny lass has told me how you handle her flight stick, and, well..."
5. McCoy
"Yeah, I had a headache every night when I was married, if you know what I mean. Huh? Joanna? Well, that's kind of, uh... complicated... listen, would you just get over here? I'm a doctor, not some kind of freak who can manage to resist your sinfully delicious charms."
4. Uhura
"Fuck me."
3. Spock
"And me as well."
2. Kirk
"BEAM US UP! ENTERPRISE, WHERE ARE YOU? Fuck I can't believe this, I pulled off the player thing too well and now I'm gonna die a VIRGIN, fuck irony, fuck it... uh. Sulu? Could you do me a huge favor?"
1. Chekov
"Da, give it to me, please. No, doesn't hurt, please just more -- I need more of you. Please, there is not enough of you, never enough Sulu."
0
"And that's how it would go," Sulu concluded, crossing his arms behind his head with a satisfied look.
Chekov propped an arm on Sulu's bare chest to glare at him in disgust.
"What? It could happen! Maybe."
"'Never enough Sulu'? Really, Hikaru?"
"Hey! Whose fantasy is this, huh?"
Characters/Pairing: Sulu/Chekov
Rating: PG-13 for suggestive shenanigans
Kink Request: Four times Chekov showed his Russian Jewishness (wishing people a "good Shabbes" on Friday, saying "oy gevalt" when he drops things, etc.) and one time he didn't.
A/N: OMG I SAY "OY GEVALT" ALL THE FREAKIN TIME.
4-
Sulu had never seen Professor Plyxs get emotional over anything, let alone a student correcting her, but when he stayed a few minutes after Intermediate Neophysics one afternoon to finish taking notes, he couldn't help but notice she was growing increasingly agitated as she debated something at her desk with the curly-haired prodigy kid from Russia.
"It was my understanding Cochrane never heard of hyperdrive theory, let alone from Ordonez," the kid was saying coolly. He gave an exaggerated shrug, eyes half-shut and brows raised. "I wonder who chose this textbook. But feh, who am I, to question such a thing?"
Plyxs gave him a hard smile and excused herself, and as she brushed past him Sulu could swear her antennae were knitted in anger.
3-
Whoever determined that the nebula observatory should be a kilometer away from the rest of campus should have been forced to walk the route twice a day, Sulu decided as he tramped wearily up the last hill.
He was the first cadet to arrive, but a few minutes later the Russian exchange student marched wearily in and dropped into a chair, still panting from the climb. Sulu stole a few glances at him, suddenly very aware that they were the only two people in the room and unsure if he should break the awkward silence.
"Well, that was certainly schlep," the kid remarked after a few minutes, and Sulu laughed from across the empty classroom.
2-
"Locks?" repeated the waitress, blinking. She was obviously new.
"Yes, please," said Chekov, smiling as he handed back their menus.
"On your bagel."
"Yes, or on the side, whatever is easiest."
"Like... padlocks?" said the waitress, weakly, and Chekov cocked his head.
"I am sorry?" he said.
"Um, never mind," the waitress mumbled. "One fiesta omelet and a bagel with locks coming up."
"I'm gonna run to the bathroom," Hikaru remarked when she'd hurried off, trying to sound casual as he pushed back his chair. He found their waitress on the way back, staring glumly at the order screen as if she had no idea what to key in.
"Smoked salmon," he whispered loudly to her from the side of his mouth, and grinned at her look of comprehension and relieved gratitude.
"It took me three dates to figure it out myself," he told her conspiratorially, before returning to the table.
1-
"I think I have achieved breakthrough," came Chekov's voice from their shared bathroom on the Enterprise.
"Oh, yeah?" said Sulu, still scrolling through his PADD absently. He finally looked up when a few minutes had passed, to see Chekov grinning expectantly at him from the door.
"What do you think?"
"Um," said Sulu. "Of?"
Chekov turned around. As the crown of his head was his patterned wool yarmulke, looking vacuum-sealed to his curls.
"Particle adhesion!" he said, turning back around, when Sulu had stared for a while. "Locked electrons! You place it on and there it is, no clips, no fuss. Eh? Eh?"
"It certainly looks very secure" was Sulu's reply.
A little too secure; it took Sulu, Uhura, and Scotty two hours and a pair of shears to finally get it off again.
0-
"So," said Sulu when they were lying in bed afterward. "I didn't want to mention this earlier, but."
"Yes?"
"You're Jewish, right?"
"Yes," said Chekov with a sleepy laugh.
"But while I was down there, I couldn't help but notice that, your, you know, equipment, isn't..."
"He is still wearing his little hood," Chekov supplied.
Sulu grinned against Chekov's forehead. "Yes."
"This is because my mama and papa said it must be my choice, not theirs or the rabbi's, to be made when I was old enough for this decision."
"And?"
"And so I'm still deciding!" said Chekov, and Sulu laughed.
Characters/Pairing: Kirk, Sulu/Chekov
Rating: PG
Kink Request: "Chekov has an adorable bunny that he picked up on a planet they were visiting, but has to get rid of it due to starship rules."
"Okay, so, uh." Kirk cleared his throat. "Time to say good-bye, Ensign."
Chekov regarded him miserably, blinking away the tears in his eyes.
Kirk shifted uncomfortably. He could almost see the accusatory glares he'd get when he got back to the bridge. Like it was his fault Chekov had to give up his fricking space-bunny.
How was he supposed to know the "Starfleet employee" they were supposed to escort to Station Zeta was actually an official inspector? Or that she was a particularly nasty one? Really, it was Chekov's fault for visiting her with Zaichik in the first place. "I feared she was lonely!" Stupid adorable Chekov.
Now here Kirk was, forced to tear the tiny honey-colored bunny from its father's bosom and hand it over to a brutal dead-eyed bureaucrat, who would probably end up eating the poor thing's still-beating heart just to laugh at the sheer evilness of it all, judging from how she was already tapping her foot impatiently on the transporter pad. Kirk wondered if he could somehow signal the engineer to accidentally beam her into the station's septic systems.
"Captain?" said the inspector, eyebrows raised in annoyance.
Kirk gave her a tight smile before turning back to Chekov.
"Listen, Pavel," he said in a low voice. "I hate this as much as you do. And if you refused, I'd understand and I'd do everything I could for you" -- he paused for a second, imagining himself in full dress uniform at Chekov's court-martial hearing and orating with passionate gestures over to the bunny, and shook his head -- "but I think this is it."
Chekov hugged Zaichik more closely and sniffled. "Is okay," he said in a whisper. "I just wish Mr. Sulu had been here, to say good-bye."
"Captain, if you would?" The inspector looked disgusted with Chekov's tears, further cementing Kirk's hypothesis that she did in fact lack a soul. "I am on a schedule."
Chekov looked down and murmured something in soft sad little Russian to Zaichik, before he swallowed and stepped past Kirk.
The inspector sucked her teeth and held out her hand. Zaichik made a little sound of distress and tried to burrow further into Chekov's arms. Chekov took the bunny gently between both hands, struggling not to cry, and --
"Waaaait!"
Lieutenant Sulu came barrelling through the doors of the transporter room at full bore and crashed into a bulkhead.
"Hikaru!" cried Chekov, thrusting Zaichik into Kirk's arms and rushing over to help.
"Lieutenant?" said Kirk.
"What is the meaning of this?" demanded the inspector.
"I'll tell you the meaning of this." Sulu snapped to his feet, swaying a little but stable with Chekov's support. Kirk had seen that look on his face before, when he'd stared down homocidal Romulans on Vulcan. "Regulation 152.6 only restricts Starfleet officers from ownership of personal fauna."
The inspector crossed her arms. "Your point?"
Sulu marched over and thrust his PADD into her face.
The inspector gave him a nasty look, but scrolled down. All of a sudden her expression of impatience turned to outrage.
"What?" she exclaimed.
Sulu just smirked.
"This is ridiculous. Clearly you've just forged an entry."
"Check the database yourself if you don't believe me."
Glaring at him, the inspector did just that, keying in something on her wristband computer, and Kirk took the opportunity to grab the PADD for himself, balancing Zaichik with one arm.
Displayed on the viewscreen was Starfleet's official taxonomic database, opened to the classification Lagomorphus zaichus, with a picture of a closed-eyed grinning Chekov holding Zaichik in his arms. Common "Zaichik" bunny, read the entry. Species: unclassified flora.
"That rabbit is not a plant!" exclaimed the inspector, apparently having found the entry again on her own.
Sulu crossed his arms and regarded her coolly. "With all due respect, Inspector, I don't think you're qualified to make that claim."
"Where did you find a botanist with this kind of clearance?" hissed the inspector.
"Wouldn't you like to know," said Sulu with a sneer.
"Well then!" Kirk boomed, getting between the two of them. "All's well that ends well, wouldn't you agree, Inspector? No, I insist," he continued, speaking over her when she tried to interrupt, "I insist, the pleasure was all ours. Bye, now."
She was still trying to protest as she dematerialized.
The second she disappeared, Kirk barked out a laugh and swivelled on his heel.
"Ha! Sulu, that was -- oh. Okay."
He turned back to give his frantically making-out helmsmen a little privacy. Though he was a little curious as to how Chekov could actually climb Sulu like that.
"Um, so," said Kirk to the ceiling, walking to the door in a wide berth and trying to ignore the wet smacks and whimpers. "Me and Zaichik will see you later, then."
Rating: PG-13 for language
Kink Request: "I want people of the Enterprise all going to Sulu to lose their virginity. Chekov, Spock, Uhura, even Kirk if you can manage it. All getting their cherries popped by Sulu. There is not enough Sulu."
6. Scotty
"My bonny lass has told me how you handle her flight stick, and, well..."
5. McCoy
"Yeah, I had a headache every night when I was married, if you know what I mean. Huh? Joanna? Well, that's kind of, uh... complicated... listen, would you just get over here? I'm a doctor, not some kind of freak who can manage to resist your sinfully delicious charms."
4. Uhura
"Fuck me."
3. Spock
"And me as well."
2. Kirk
"BEAM US UP! ENTERPRISE, WHERE ARE YOU? Fuck I can't believe this, I pulled off the player thing too well and now I'm gonna die a VIRGIN, fuck irony, fuck it... uh. Sulu? Could you do me a huge favor?"
1. Chekov
"Da, give it to me, please. No, doesn't hurt, please just more -- I need more of you. Please, there is not enough of you, never enough Sulu."
0
"And that's how it would go," Sulu concluded, crossing his arms behind his head with a satisfied look.
Chekov propped an arm on Sulu's bare chest to glare at him in disgust.
"What? It could happen! Maybe."
"'Never enough Sulu'? Really, Hikaru?"
"Hey! Whose fantasy is this, huh?"
Characters/Pairing: Sulu/Chekov
Rating: PG-13 for suggestive shenanigans
Kink Request: Four times Chekov showed his Russian Jewishness (wishing people a "good Shabbes" on Friday, saying "oy gevalt" when he drops things, etc.) and one time he didn't.
A/N: OMG I SAY "OY GEVALT" ALL THE FREAKIN TIME.
4-
Sulu had never seen Professor Plyxs get emotional over anything, let alone a student correcting her, but when he stayed a few minutes after Intermediate Neophysics one afternoon to finish taking notes, he couldn't help but notice she was growing increasingly agitated as she debated something at her desk with the curly-haired prodigy kid from Russia.
"It was my understanding Cochrane never heard of hyperdrive theory, let alone from Ordonez," the kid was saying coolly. He gave an exaggerated shrug, eyes half-shut and brows raised. "I wonder who chose this textbook. But feh, who am I, to question such a thing?"
Plyxs gave him a hard smile and excused herself, and as she brushed past him Sulu could swear her antennae were knitted in anger.
3-
Whoever determined that the nebula observatory should be a kilometer away from the rest of campus should have been forced to walk the route twice a day, Sulu decided as he tramped wearily up the last hill.
He was the first cadet to arrive, but a few minutes later the Russian exchange student marched wearily in and dropped into a chair, still panting from the climb. Sulu stole a few glances at him, suddenly very aware that they were the only two people in the room and unsure if he should break the awkward silence.
"Well, that was certainly schlep," the kid remarked after a few minutes, and Sulu laughed from across the empty classroom.
2-
"Locks?" repeated the waitress, blinking. She was obviously new.
"Yes, please," said Chekov, smiling as he handed back their menus.
"On your bagel."
"Yes, or on the side, whatever is easiest."
"Like... padlocks?" said the waitress, weakly, and Chekov cocked his head.
"I am sorry?" he said.
"Um, never mind," the waitress mumbled. "One fiesta omelet and a bagel with locks coming up."
"I'm gonna run to the bathroom," Hikaru remarked when she'd hurried off, trying to sound casual as he pushed back his chair. He found their waitress on the way back, staring glumly at the order screen as if she had no idea what to key in.
"Smoked salmon," he whispered loudly to her from the side of his mouth, and grinned at her look of comprehension and relieved gratitude.
"It took me three dates to figure it out myself," he told her conspiratorially, before returning to the table.
1-
"I think I have achieved breakthrough," came Chekov's voice from their shared bathroom on the Enterprise.
"Oh, yeah?" said Sulu, still scrolling through his PADD absently. He finally looked up when a few minutes had passed, to see Chekov grinning expectantly at him from the door.
"What do you think?"
"Um," said Sulu. "Of?"
Chekov turned around. As the crown of his head was his patterned wool yarmulke, looking vacuum-sealed to his curls.
"Particle adhesion!" he said, turning back around, when Sulu had stared for a while. "Locked electrons! You place it on and there it is, no clips, no fuss. Eh? Eh?"
"It certainly looks very secure" was Sulu's reply.
A little too secure; it took Sulu, Uhura, and Scotty two hours and a pair of shears to finally get it off again.
0-
"So," said Sulu when they were lying in bed afterward. "I didn't want to mention this earlier, but."
"Yes?"
"You're Jewish, right?"
"Yes," said Chekov with a sleepy laugh.
"But while I was down there, I couldn't help but notice that, your, you know, equipment, isn't..."
"He is still wearing his little hood," Chekov supplied.
Sulu grinned against Chekov's forehead. "Yes."
"This is because my mama and papa said it must be my choice, not theirs or the rabbi's, to be made when I was old enough for this decision."
"And?"
"And so I'm still deciding!" said Chekov, and Sulu laughed.
Characters/Pairing: Kirk, Sulu/Chekov
Rating: PG
Kink Request: "Chekov has an adorable bunny that he picked up on a planet they were visiting, but has to get rid of it due to starship rules."
"Okay, so, uh." Kirk cleared his throat. "Time to say good-bye, Ensign."
Chekov regarded him miserably, blinking away the tears in his eyes.
Kirk shifted uncomfortably. He could almost see the accusatory glares he'd get when he got back to the bridge. Like it was his fault Chekov had to give up his fricking space-bunny.
How was he supposed to know the "Starfleet employee" they were supposed to escort to Station Zeta was actually an official inspector? Or that she was a particularly nasty one? Really, it was Chekov's fault for visiting her with Zaichik in the first place. "I feared she was lonely!" Stupid adorable Chekov.
Now here Kirk was, forced to tear the tiny honey-colored bunny from its father's bosom and hand it over to a brutal dead-eyed bureaucrat, who would probably end up eating the poor thing's still-beating heart just to laugh at the sheer evilness of it all, judging from how she was already tapping her foot impatiently on the transporter pad. Kirk wondered if he could somehow signal the engineer to accidentally beam her into the station's septic systems.
"Captain?" said the inspector, eyebrows raised in annoyance.
Kirk gave her a tight smile before turning back to Chekov.
"Listen, Pavel," he said in a low voice. "I hate this as much as you do. And if you refused, I'd understand and I'd do everything I could for you" -- he paused for a second, imagining himself in full dress uniform at Chekov's court-martial hearing and orating with passionate gestures over to the bunny, and shook his head -- "but I think this is it."
Chekov hugged Zaichik more closely and sniffled. "Is okay," he said in a whisper. "I just wish Mr. Sulu had been here, to say good-bye."
"Captain, if you would?" The inspector looked disgusted with Chekov's tears, further cementing Kirk's hypothesis that she did in fact lack a soul. "I am on a schedule."
Chekov looked down and murmured something in soft sad little Russian to Zaichik, before he swallowed and stepped past Kirk.
The inspector sucked her teeth and held out her hand. Zaichik made a little sound of distress and tried to burrow further into Chekov's arms. Chekov took the bunny gently between both hands, struggling not to cry, and --
"Waaaait!"
Lieutenant Sulu came barrelling through the doors of the transporter room at full bore and crashed into a bulkhead.
"Hikaru!" cried Chekov, thrusting Zaichik into Kirk's arms and rushing over to help.
"Lieutenant?" said Kirk.
"What is the meaning of this?" demanded the inspector.
"I'll tell you the meaning of this." Sulu snapped to his feet, swaying a little but stable with Chekov's support. Kirk had seen that look on his face before, when he'd stared down homocidal Romulans on Vulcan. "Regulation 152.6 only restricts Starfleet officers from ownership of personal fauna."
The inspector crossed her arms. "Your point?"
Sulu marched over and thrust his PADD into her face.
The inspector gave him a nasty look, but scrolled down. All of a sudden her expression of impatience turned to outrage.
"What?" she exclaimed.
Sulu just smirked.
"This is ridiculous. Clearly you've just forged an entry."
"Check the database yourself if you don't believe me."
Glaring at him, the inspector did just that, keying in something on her wristband computer, and Kirk took the opportunity to grab the PADD for himself, balancing Zaichik with one arm.
Displayed on the viewscreen was Starfleet's official taxonomic database, opened to the classification Lagomorphus zaichus, with a picture of a closed-eyed grinning Chekov holding Zaichik in his arms. Common "Zaichik" bunny, read the entry. Species: unclassified flora.
"That rabbit is not a plant!" exclaimed the inspector, apparently having found the entry again on her own.
Sulu crossed his arms and regarded her coolly. "With all due respect, Inspector, I don't think you're qualified to make that claim."
"Where did you find a botanist with this kind of clearance?" hissed the inspector.
"Wouldn't you like to know," said Sulu with a sneer.
"Well then!" Kirk boomed, getting between the two of them. "All's well that ends well, wouldn't you agree, Inspector? No, I insist," he continued, speaking over her when she tried to interrupt, "I insist, the pleasure was all ours. Bye, now."
She was still trying to protest as she dematerialized.
The second she disappeared, Kirk barked out a laugh and swivelled on his heel.
"Ha! Sulu, that was -- oh. Okay."
He turned back to give his frantically making-out helmsmen a little privacy. Though he was a little curious as to how Chekov could actually climb Sulu like that.
"Um, so," said Kirk to the ceiling, walking to the door in a wide berth and trying to ignore the wet smacks and whimpers. "Me and Zaichik will see you later, then."