Bang-bang (my daddy shot me down) part two
Disclaimer: I don't own Kill Bill, Batman, or any of the characters within.
Lieutenant Gordon sighed as he looked down at the bodies spread out across the floor of the Wayne chapel. It was a wedding turned slaughter, and Jim wasn’t looking forward to telling the young groom that his new wife would never be able to grow old with him. For the second time, nearly a decade after the first, Bruce Wayne’s life had been shattered. He wouldn’t bother telling him it was going to be alright this time, because he had a feeling it never would be again.
A figure in an elegant white bridal gown was sprawled in the middle of a pool of blood on the chapel floor, her face so mangled that it looked like an obscene realization of a Picasso painting, splashed with bright color and strangely distorted, but still recognizable as human.
Jim approached the body with caution, taking care not to step in anything and mess up the crime scene for the CSI’s that were still diligently going about their work.
“Any leads?” he asked with the wary resignation of someone who had looked upon too many tragic scenes in his lifetime, as Sgt. Harvey Bullock, one of his oldest friends and most trusted subordinates, approach him from behind.
“There was an ID on the vic, for one Nicola Machiavelli. Unsurprisingly, it came back fake,” he said dryly.
The Lieutenant raised his eyebrows at that, wondering what kind of strange things young Wayne could have gotten mixed up in if he was involved with someone who went by such an obvious alias.
“Anything else?”
“The only witnesses left alive are in no shape to tell us anything right now. Whoever did this was one cold dog. Came in, shot the entire wedding party, even shot that old colored fella that plays the organ.” (2) Jim sent Harvey a displeased look at his choice of words. Who did he think he was, a small-town Texas deputy? Just as he was about to open his mouth to reprimand him, he heard someone call his name over the controlled chaos that was a dozen CSI’s and cops trying to work together.
“Hey, Lieutenant, you might wanna take a look at this,” said the young forensic pathologist nearest to the bride’s body.
“What seems to be the problem, Myers?”
Myers looked more amused than Gordon thought was warranted in the middle of a grisly murder scene.
“Well, the bride’s not actually a woman.”
Gordon raised his eyebrows.
“Excuse me?”
“She’s a man, Gordon!” (3)
“Really.”
“I’ll prove it, look!”
He enthusiastically grabbed a fistful of the bride’s bloody golden locks and tugged hard, pulling her limp, bloodied head up off the ground and then slamming it down several times in succession, becoming more frustrated each time the ‘wig’ wouldn’t come off.
Gordon just stood there in shock, too horrified by the man’s actions for a moment to make any move to stop him. He made a note, with slightly hysterical detachment, that he would have to recommend a psychological evaluation for the young man when he got back to the office.
Eventually the horror stopped, and Myers at least had the grace to look slightly embarrassed, gingerly letting go of the hair.
“Well, okay, I guess the hair is actually real, but it looked so long and pretty… Anyway, she has an Adam’s apple, so I checked under her skirt, and she’s…uh, she’s definitely a man.”
“…Are you sure?” Gordon said dubiously, glancing, with some guilt, at the corpse’s slim figure and noticeable bosom.
“Yeah. These are fake,” he said, poking the corpse’s chest shamelessly. “Stuffed bras can be pretty deceiving.”
***
(2) This is almost an exact quote from Kill Bill.
(3) This is from Austin Powers, when he sees Basil's mother, thinks she's a male spy disguised as a woman, and proceeds to punch her in the face and try to rip her 'wig' off.