Babies, marriage & graduation
I have known 3 pregnant women in my life. The first was a close friend. She was 19 and I was 20. I was so excited for her but at the same time, I knew it was unplanned & I knew it wasn't ideal timing for her. I was happy for her and I had fun helping her & going to her baby shower, but at the same time I knew I didn't want to be in her shoes. I was even her nanny for a while and I absolutely adore her daughter (now 6!!!).
The second is my cousin. It was planned & she was as ready as anyone can be :) I had fun shopping for her too and I love her son (how could anyone not love him? He's so adorable!). I'm looking forward to spending more time with them when I move (I'll be much closer). I never really thought about putting myself in her shoes the way I have with my friends pregnancies. I'm happy for her and I'm happy that she's living her life as she wants to (ie. planned!) I guess the difference is that I'm used to her being ahead of me. (She was in vet school when I was in high school!)
The third is a friend of mine at school who is pregnant now. It is unplanned, but she & her husband are both happy. Even though she is worried about how she will manage everything (completely natural!). I'm more involved this time than I was in either of the other cases. My first friend I saw a handful of times while she was pregnant. With my cousin I was following her LJ updates religiously, but we lived far apart so I didn't see her. This friend lives near me, I see her at least twice a week in class and I spent most of last weekend with her. I'm nearly certain I'm one of the main people helping her plan for this.
I find myself envying her. Wishing I were in her shoes and pregnant-by-accident right now.Ironically, knowing that part of me wishes I'd just get pregnant by accident, I'm more careful than ever with birth control (and I've always been paranoid). Which is a good thing. Unplanned pregnancies are never the best way to go about it. I find myself spending soooo much time looking at baby things "for her". I know I'm not ready rightthisveryminute to have a baby, but I want one. Not just "maybe someday". I want one as soon as I'm in a situation where it is logistically & financially feasible. (Maybe a couple of years after starting work. Once I'm well established in a good job, that I like, with decent benefits.)
I know I have the "baby bug" really bad when I find myself thinking of my cousin's attention hungry toddler being rather noisy when we were on the phone - with a twinge of longing. I've spend enough time with kids to know they aren't cooing bundles of joy 24/7. And the love between my cousin and her baby was obvious to me even during that small exchange. I want that.
I think M still is firmly set against having kids. It hasn't come up in several months, but I have no reason to seriously expect his feelings to have changed. We have discussed commitment again recently. (I've been a bit wedding-happy since, even though I don't consider us officially engaged, after that last conversation I'm just waiting for a ring.) The last time we discussed commitment, the discussion ended because of our different feelings about children. I don't know what it was this time, maybe he thinks I've changed my mind? Maybe in that moment I was convinced he had changed his mind? Maybe neither of us was thinking about that little roadblock in a conversation about how much we love each other and want to spend our lives together. I also told him that I want to express this commitment to each other while L is still around to bless it. Even though it is easier to wait, we wouldn't have to tell family members who we aren't out to yet, it would feel so dirty to me. Maybe some people would see my rush as a rush to "move in on her man". But really it's the opposite. L recently told her visiting nurse heath aid that I am as much a wife to him as she is.
My mom has started talking about me & babies in an "if" context rather than a "when" context. That makes me sad. I know I have plenty of baby making years left in me, but at the same time, if this is *never* going to happen with M, then why am I thinking of committing to him? If this is never going to happen with M then what I should be doing is breaking up with him and looking for a partner with the same life goals as me. Not moving in with him & talking about long term commitment! But at the same time I can't fathom giving up what I have with him.
Maybe it's natural to be thinking about babies and marriage as I graduate from college. Moving in is a big step too. When I made the decision not to save my virginity for marriage I also decided that something should be special. I decided that there was no need to live with someone to know if we would be compatible, and that living together is one of the few things I can do to make a non legally recognized union a step above dating. I decided to save living together for marriage. Like a virgin that suddenly gives in after doing "everything but" for so long, I have given in on the main thing I was holding back.
Moving is such a big step! Moving to someplace that I would never move to if it weren't for M&L is even bigger. At least I'm trying to build a support system for myself down there. I'm contacting family and friends that live within visiting distance and trying to reach out to them. Otherwise when I move I won't know anybody but M&L and I'm not so good at meeting people & making new friends. Especially when most of my out of the home time will be at work, where I obviously can't be out. And I can't really consider someone a friend unless I can be out to them. So that takes care of the idea of making work friends. I'm going to look into interest groups etc. of course, but this part of PA is so damn suburban. I feel like a dandelion in an otherwise perfectly manicured lawn. Maybe my feelings will change. I hope so.
I could keep writing about this topic forever, but I'm going to stop for now. It isn't like there is a snowballs chance in hell of anything being resolved this way. The only way to work on this is to talk to M about it more, and I'm not going to do that until after the move. At this point it's coming up so soon anyway. And as much as I'm not sure whether commitment is *really* a good idea or not, the cherry is as good as popped. And I'm happy about that. Nervous, but happy. It's good that I'm nervous. I think it makes it easier to spot potential stumbling blocks.
The second is my cousin. It was planned & she was as ready as anyone can be :) I had fun shopping for her too and I love her son (how could anyone not love him? He's so adorable!). I'm looking forward to spending more time with them when I move (I'll be much closer). I never really thought about putting myself in her shoes the way I have with my friends pregnancies. I'm happy for her and I'm happy that she's living her life as she wants to (ie. planned!) I guess the difference is that I'm used to her being ahead of me. (She was in vet school when I was in high school!)
The third is a friend of mine at school who is pregnant now. It is unplanned, but she & her husband are both happy. Even though she is worried about how she will manage everything (completely natural!). I'm more involved this time than I was in either of the other cases. My first friend I saw a handful of times while she was pregnant. With my cousin I was following her LJ updates religiously, but we lived far apart so I didn't see her. This friend lives near me, I see her at least twice a week in class and I spent most of last weekend with her. I'm nearly certain I'm one of the main people helping her plan for this.
I find myself envying her. Wishing I were in her shoes and pregnant-by-accident right now.Ironically, knowing that part of me wishes I'd just get pregnant by accident, I'm more careful than ever with birth control (and I've always been paranoid). Which is a good thing. Unplanned pregnancies are never the best way to go about it. I find myself spending soooo much time looking at baby things "for her". I know I'm not ready rightthisveryminute to have a baby, but I want one. Not just "maybe someday". I want one as soon as I'm in a situation where it is logistically & financially feasible. (Maybe a couple of years after starting work. Once I'm well established in a good job, that I like, with decent benefits.)
I know I have the "baby bug" really bad when I find myself thinking of my cousin's attention hungry toddler being rather noisy when we were on the phone - with a twinge of longing. I've spend enough time with kids to know they aren't cooing bundles of joy 24/7. And the love between my cousin and her baby was obvious to me even during that small exchange. I want that.
I think M still is firmly set against having kids. It hasn't come up in several months, but I have no reason to seriously expect his feelings to have changed. We have discussed commitment again recently. (I've been a bit wedding-happy since, even though I don't consider us officially engaged, after that last conversation I'm just waiting for a ring.) The last time we discussed commitment, the discussion ended because of our different feelings about children. I don't know what it was this time, maybe he thinks I've changed my mind? Maybe in that moment I was convinced he had changed his mind? Maybe neither of us was thinking about that little roadblock in a conversation about how much we love each other and want to spend our lives together. I also told him that I want to express this commitment to each other while L is still around to bless it. Even though it is easier to wait, we wouldn't have to tell family members who we aren't out to yet, it would feel so dirty to me. Maybe some people would see my rush as a rush to "move in on her man". But really it's the opposite. L recently told her visiting nurse heath aid that I am as much a wife to him as she is.
My mom has started talking about me & babies in an "if" context rather than a "when" context. That makes me sad. I know I have plenty of baby making years left in me, but at the same time, if this is *never* going to happen with M, then why am I thinking of committing to him? If this is never going to happen with M then what I should be doing is breaking up with him and looking for a partner with the same life goals as me. Not moving in with him & talking about long term commitment! But at the same time I can't fathom giving up what I have with him.
Maybe it's natural to be thinking about babies and marriage as I graduate from college. Moving in is a big step too. When I made the decision not to save my virginity for marriage I also decided that something should be special. I decided that there was no need to live with someone to know if we would be compatible, and that living together is one of the few things I can do to make a non legally recognized union a step above dating. I decided to save living together for marriage. Like a virgin that suddenly gives in after doing "everything but" for so long, I have given in on the main thing I was holding back.
Moving is such a big step! Moving to someplace that I would never move to if it weren't for M&L is even bigger. At least I'm trying to build a support system for myself down there. I'm contacting family and friends that live within visiting distance and trying to reach out to them. Otherwise when I move I won't know anybody but M&L and I'm not so good at meeting people & making new friends. Especially when most of my out of the home time will be at work, where I obviously can't be out. And I can't really consider someone a friend unless I can be out to them. So that takes care of the idea of making work friends. I'm going to look into interest groups etc. of course, but this part of PA is so damn suburban. I feel like a dandelion in an otherwise perfectly manicured lawn. Maybe my feelings will change. I hope so.
I could keep writing about this topic forever, but I'm going to stop for now. It isn't like there is a snowballs chance in hell of anything being resolved this way. The only way to work on this is to talk to M about it more, and I'm not going to do that until after the move. At this point it's coming up so soon anyway. And as much as I'm not sure whether commitment is *really* a good idea or not, the cherry is as good as popped. And I'm happy about that. Nervous, but happy. It's good that I'm nervous. I think it makes it easier to spot potential stumbling blocks.