poetry

[fakelight]

I've been reading through my old poetry, and some of it surprises me. I'm surprised how insightful some of it is, and how much I *like* some of it.


I have no idea what kind of drugs I was on when I wrote this:

where's the inspiration
for the lines i should be making
in your heart?

where's the confirmation
of the words that are painstaking
i call art?

how can i be expected to believe
when all that i use to know
has been torn apart

i don't enjoy this complaining
i've never been happier...
i've never been free
and suddenly, it's all i am
i am the man i was meant to be
but all my words have left me

bare.

~~~~~

This isn't terribly good, but I like some of it:

everything is changing
and my opinions are rearranging
but it doesn't matter
because for me
the only constant i can see
is that i love you
and you don't love me back

that's the only thing
that doesn't change for me
that's the only thing
that will always be the same
and, god, it hurts
terribly

and, god, it hurts
i've lost everything
god, i've lost my sanity

i put my work
before my mental health
'cause maybe i can't fix it
and that's no reason to fail
so i put my search for sanity on hold
i come back later and it's still the same
i'm still every bit just as crazy

i go to bed at night
with rivers running from my eyes
and i wake up from dreaming
warming dreams of you
but now i'm screaming
i just want to sleep forever
it's so much warmer than this cold weather
i get from knowing truth

if death is endless dreaming
i think i'd like to die
because dreams are often
so much kinder than this life
even if they're all a lie
is this life a lie?
am i dreaming, in denial...

~~~~

I'm rather fond of this one:

the walls are wet, with our blood
the ground is wet, with our tears
the roof is soaked, with rain drops
the air is damp, with our fears

the world is covered
in thousands of men
why, out of them all
did i have to fall for him

~~~~

I like the later bits of this one, especially. It's about Brian, btw:

sometimes... i just wanna die
sometimes... i just wanna cry

and sometimes... when i see you smile
i smile too.

and sometimes, well, it's been quite awhile
and i know that i don't really need you
and i know that i've worked this through

and, i could make it
on my own
well, i could could live
all alone

but sometimes

i just want someone to hold me
someone to say... that it's okay
that everybody loves me

and you know what
it's true...
and i don't have to feel so blue
thanks to you

you reach out your hand
and even though you're not my man
you are my friend...
and only god and i know how lucky i am
to have you
and that's all i need

because even when i'm still unsure...
of everything else, there's one person...
i can turn to... and that's you
there's one person...
and even when you've bruised me
the woulds heal easy...
because i'd be afraid to lose you
over something silly

and i just wanted you to know
that i'm glad...
we haven't fallen too far
to be close
i haven't fallen too hard

~~~~

I like trains:

i wish i could be that beautiful
but i can only say how i feel
i can only ride these
fast-paced trains of thought
and they roll on

and i go on...
and you go on...
and no one can hear
these things i say
the things i've hid away

~~~~

My personal favorite find of the day:

there's a road we walk
underneath the stars
and there's a hope we have
that all those stars will
soon be ours

there's hope in you
there's hope in me
and there's a hope
in both of us
that this is not a dream