Private Journal 005
I have tried writing here numerous times before...I find it more difficult than addressing a letter to mother had been. Of course I fear that is all but a moot point by now. If I worried for her before with all her children gone, there is no hope with an empty home. The words would not flow, and every attempt to make sense of what has happened or find some small way to rectify it has brought only more trouble. Hopefully after this time I can find a way to put my thoughts to paper and perhaps make sense of them.
Of everything I had expected since coming to this place, this knowledge was not among it. Given the year, to have learned of my parents death would be terrible but not, unfortunately, a surprise. However, to be told of his demise in such a callous fashion, by his own murderer none the less!
Why does no one think she has anything to be blamed for? Everything I hear is that it's not important, it was deserved, somehow I am the villain in my seeking of retribution. My father is dea... and it is my fault though she confessed to it herself?
I must admit that my plan to cause proper outcry to her crimes has failed. No in the coarse minds of those who saw my words it's so much worse that I expose her devilry than what she did. I should stop trusting Roy to help carrying out important missions. He is incompetent. Why do I continue to use him for tasks obviously far beyond his capability? I suppose he was one of the few who seemed concerned, even in the smallest fraction. Did he want to help?...Of course, we had a mutual enemy, it is nothing more than that...
Unfortunately Roy is not the only one causing confusion to my already flustered mind. That...Sigurd. Met through a most uncalled for attack upon my person and now he would have me think he's concerned. It must be a fake. He knew! He knew and didn't tell me. He said it was out of concern. Ha! If any were truly concerned they wouldn't have been so against my most justified revenge.
What looks to be compassion from those with no reason, and from family...nothing. Luserina reacted not at all to the grave terrible news. Has she turned her back on us so completely? I see... I have lost my sister as well as parents. I had hoped that being here, away from the war she would forget her abandonment...I see I was too hopeful.
Where do I go from here? My dictated thoughts have often ended in asking for Dad or Mother to tell me what to do. I suppose I must stop asking for such things. A far off wish before...now nothing but a bitter impossibility....
::the journal trails off there with an ink stain::