Private Entry
I'm terrible.
Truly abhorrent, loathsome, absolutely wretched.
Must I destroy everything I touch? I can't believe she would think those things of me. My intentions have only ever been of the purest sort! I have behaved as a gentlemen ought to the object of his affection. Nothing untoward! Why I was not even able to kiss her hand!
...
Again! I try to make sense of things and all I can do is blame everything but myself. 'You can't fix others until you fix yourself'...I will never achieve either. I am terribly worthless.
Fix myself?...Oh but there is too much to fix. I do not even know where to begin. Even the things I thought made sense, are truly nothing at all. The talk with the bath master made me realize...I truly don't know anything about the princess, aside that she is a princess.
How could I not? How long have I been her suitor?...Truly it was before she was even born. By the sun, I knew there was a political motive as well, how could I not?! I would have to be a complete imbecile to not know the great benefits such a union would grant my family.
But perhaps I truly am. There was so much father had me do that was not right. I had not thought this was as well. Is everything in my life some mockery?!
AGAIN! I find a fault and find another to blame. Why is it so hard for me to admit that it is merely me who is wicked?
What am I supposed to do?
I've asked that so often and I still don't have the slightest of clues. No one has given me the answer. I am pathetic that I am no closer to understanding.
I couldn't stop myself from visiting Luserina's room, hoping she'd be back from whatever trip she is on this time. She's not of course. I'm not completely stupid, though close. I do know it's likely she's no longer here. I can only pray she has returned to our time. Hopefully to a point after I was brought here so she will no longer need to deal with the shame of being associated with me.
Why does everything have to be so hard? Why when I think I've made a step forward I find out I am still as terrible as ever?
Is it even worth trying