He doesn't hate me...
but I have the feeling he doesn't know how he feels about me. Either way, the projected emotion is sheer anger. Yes, I fell out of love with him. But that doesn't change the fact that I do love him. You can't turn you back on someone that easily, going from existing in you every waking moment to nothing doesn't happen. I've been dreaming about him lately. I dreamt that Sparky arranged it so that we both showed up at his house to force us to face each other. He was furious today, because I wrote him a three sentence e-mail. I laughed at his anger because it came across to me like a three year old throwing a massive fit where they scream sounds that aren't words and throw themselves into things. I'll wait. I'm finding myself again. I lost me. I lost the things that made me light up, the numbing joy of learning. I forgot how wonderful sex is because I became afraid of it. I lost self confidence and what replaced it was an angry hust of being that was constantly depressed. I'm still depressed, hell I feel like crying now just so my innards will stop hurting. But now I don't have to tuck inside of me for fear of retribution of others. I said I was sorry, that hasn't changed. I didn't mean to become what I did and I don't think he did either. We were trying to be something else for each other and lost ourselves in the lies. And got angry when the real people shone through. I should also say I'm sorry to all our mutual friends who are still stuck on the crossfire lines. It's not fair but I for one am not going to use any of you in this. Period. I happy for every person who is his friend. He is wonderful, really. And thank all of you who are my friend, I forgot that I needed you, but I know now and I won't soon forget. I am seeking help, as scared as I am. I am finding my roots that grew shriveled. I am talking about my pain with my friends and trusting others. I cannot forgive myself which is still a problem. I don't love myself yet. I'm still a child in the dark. But I have my feet under me and I will not lean on another until I know I can stand completely on my own. I know that part of the reason why I was in the two long term relationships had to do with the fact that I wanted them to protect me and hold me up when I had no strength. That wasn't fair when I stopped feeling wounded and wanted to exert my sheer independence. It was even worse of me when I sunk lower and could only isolate myself. I felt more lonely then ever. I feel lonely now but it's worse when you're with someone and you don't feel as though they can help you at all. I can't say I'll ever want to get married or fall deeply in love or want to grow old with another person but I'm safe in the idea that I could live without it. I'm writing more, I'm doing more of my art. Well I'll finish this up because I'm going to write another piece on my family.