i will manage to say all this without saying much at all.
x; a year ago today (how ironic.) i was in west hartford center with conor meeting jazzy and dennis and all these wonderful people that know what's real. i still think about in concious efforts more than they would know.
x; from that stemmed a concentrated period of viseral, overt growth, leaving me half empty but able to see myself as nearing a whole, solitary figure.
x; excerpt from an entry dated may 28th, 2003: I know there's too much waiting to be said. It gets god-awful cold on rainy spring nights when you know something is wrong and you just are waiting to find out what.
x; june 3, 2003 (losing Conor) it's all empty now. and there's no one that can make it better. because the cause of this is the solace of this and now he's gone and im fucking helpless.
BECAUSE I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH AND I'M SORRY I DON'T UNDERSTAND. this one stings to read.
x; here's the point where i really begin to identify myself artisticly. where i really love launguage.
x; june 20th: every time he talks to me he throws me a line to hold on to. one more little thing about himself that i can try to place and stick among every other little bit i have. it's all impossible to piece together. his past, what he thinks and feels. he's mastered the art of dodging questions and then giving me something to feel to make up for it. everything he says is a little more intense than the last, but for some reason i don't think it would fit any other way. even now, he's always desperate for a subject change, always thinking ahead of what he's doing and despite how much i hate it i love it and let it govern me like this. i'm just so scared that this...us...is going to shatter one day. that big pro-choice rally was also that day - i remember standing with julia and it was so hot out and angie something was up on stage and julia and i were just crying - from the hill where we parked you could just see so many people wanting this so bad. it was beautiful.
x; i start work at camp eagle feather, for the 5 and 6 year olds. some of the most rewarding weeks of my life came from that experience.
x; hahaha july 9th: you'd be much cuter if i shot you in the face. i dont even remember who im talking about
x; cut to late july sometime: i kiss kevin and then ignore him for a few days, thoroughly fucking up his life for a bit and continuing my inconsistency.
x; early august: develop wicked insomnia, realize i have developed an art into leaving people and places. also go to on a camping trip to ohio (with a few weekend stops in between) with jackie and katie. never in my life have i felt closer to two people than on that trip. suzanne also comes up as soon as i get home, which marks the point in our friendship that, despite how comfortable we are with each other after knowing one another 14 years or so, we realize that we have seen each other simply for the sake of nostalgia. our friendship became a maintanence thing.
x; late august: i go to maine, and come home. and am changed. counting crows/john mayer show with danielle.
x; august 27; i spend time with conor. summer ends, school starts. everything feels detatched.
x; sept 1; dave matthews show with shawn: the first and only time i have ever felt so at peace with everything and everyone was just chill and the music was amazing and i could have spent my life listening to 'satellite' and 'the stone'. (only bad part was the puking crazy drunk girl we were with - but even she was pretty cool) - i hope i can go again.
x; sept 7: "what good are memories, that bring me down - wish to be in your arms now, or never to have been.."
x; sept 12: johnny cash dies
x; sept 13: the last saves the day show i've seen. (taking back sunday was there too.) i went with kevin, erin and mike. i loved every second of that night, and i remember the last song of their encore was "this is not an exit" and i died a little. jenn, joe and i get tickets for ani - a night that will change my life.
x; sept 20: i meet alex.
x; sept 21: sixteen candles make a lovely light. my birthday, i go to boston and see blue man group (what a sweet show) - start working at cvs soon after. ("ROLL UP YOUR DIPLOMA AND SMOKE IT" haha <3)
x; sept 27 entry: to forget is, in essence, to remember. and to feel? that is to overcome your ambiguity. i wonder, if i saw you on the street in years from now, if you would remember my name. or if i could tell you if any of this was ever really real.
x; oct 3 entry: so i went out with alex, evan, josh and ian last night. it was good stuff, they're great kids. they make me happy, especially alex, who is definately one of my favorite people in the world. i hope this story only gets better :)
x; oct 5: my dad gets put in the hospital. i'm forced to face far too much.
x; oct 13: alex kisses me.
x; oct 16: alex. everything is right.
x; to feel
x; oct 25: golf carts, shuffle boards, moonlight.
x; nov 6: dance workshop at academy with the residence dancers from africa, in four hours i learn more about my body than i knew in 16 years
x; nov 16: jenn. "why don't you touch me where i'm rusty, let me stain your hands..." jenn jenn jenn jenn jenn. thank you so, so much.
x; late november: fall showcase performance, took alex to see stomp. a good night week indeed. first thanksgiving not spent with my family, it stung. but was good. i lose my virginity.
x; christmas: so much love. i begin to drift away from a lot of people - but meet more in exchange, i guess.
x; janurary 26, 2004: i learn that i am lost. but in love.
x; february: a dormant time of year.
x; march 7: get drunk at jay's and realize that i envy his lifestyle - i want to live under my own observance, not to be directed. later in march: my mom tells me she is leaving my father as soon as she saves enough money to take us; from then until now it has been rare fights, but just a general absence on both their parts. to watch two people fall out of love is internally unsettling.
x; april: i am ignorant, unclear and foolish. but not for long.
x; april 16: me and alex's 6 month
x; and now into may: i am refinding so much, rediscovering everything and settling into something monumental. the vulnerability in loving alex fades and i love, for the first time, without fear.
and for all of us from now until forever:
may the road rise up to meet you
may the wind be always at your back
may the sun shine warm upon your face
the rains fall soft upon your fields
and, until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of his hand.
-irish blessing