[Fic] A Fiction Of Flimsy Romance (And True Love) (Kanda/Allen)

[fallia]

Title: A Fiction Of Flimsy Romance (And True Love)
Fandom: D.Gray-man
Pairings: Kanda/Allen, mentions of Cross/Lenalee
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 10,570
Notes: With apologies to The Princess Bride and Lord Byron, a love story. This was originally written for boopkit's birthday, and I am very, very late, but happy birthday, Boops! Undying love and gratitude goes to sutlers for beta work and listening to me whine. I made brownies for her.



"What do you mean dead?" Allen asked.

"Come on, kid, you know what dead means," Cross was slouching in his chair as if the responsibility of being upright was one he'd prefer to shirk if he could. "Try to keep up."

Komui cleared his throat. "Well, mostly dead is what I said. It's not exactly the same thing. I've been reluctant to announce it, because I think that he can be revived."

Cross looked interested for the first time since Allen had entered the room.

"There is a catch, though."

"There always is," Cross muttered, somehow appearing to slouch even more disinterestedly than before.

"Why are you even here?" Allen asked.

"These things concern me. Shut up and listen," Cross said.

Allen followed Cross's gaze to Lenalee. She was gripping the arms of her chair, eyes bright with tears. Behind her, Lavi had plastered on a neutral expression. Theodore had been softly weeping in the back of the room and clutching at Noise Marie's arm when Allen had entered; it had been Allen's first clue that something was amiss.

"I'll make a general announcement later today; we'll have a moment of silence-" Komui waved his coffee mug as if he had forgotten it was in his hand. "But the reason that all of you are here is because you were Kanda's closest friends. Except for you," he said to Cross. "I don't know why you're here either. Morbid curiosity?"

Cross shrugged and smirked.

"Anyway, my research has revealed with a startling amount of certainty that Kanda can be revived by one thing. I'm hoping that Kanda has confided in one of you."

It occurred to Allen that he didn't belong in this meeting.

Lenalee sobbed. "We used to meditate together!"

Komui's eyes went terrifyingly glinty for a moment. "Yes, well. It's possible that Kanda can be revived by a kiss. From his true love. So if any of you are aware of who that might be-" his eyes settled on Lenalee- "we'll summon her immediately."

"Um," Allen said as everyone's attention turned to him. "Pardon me, but bringing him back from the dead is, um."

Komui chuckled. "Oh, no, Allen. This isn't the same thing at all. Remember? Mostly dead. An entirely different kettle of fish than the one we normally deal with."

"Oh," said Allen, still not quite understanding. He hadn't even known that someone could be mostly dead.

Komui eased his mug down onto the desk behind him and clasped his hands. "So! Who knows the name of the lucky girl who stole Kanda Yuu's heart?"

Lavi refused to look anywhere but at the floor, and his voice was rough with what Allen suspected was a combination of amusement and distress. "You know, I can't say I ever heard Yuu mention a girl. I can't even say I ever saw him look at one. Not that way, anyway. He was pretty much married to his work, so to speak."

"Kanda was such a good boy," Theodore said, sniffling. "I was always telling him he should take some time to appreciate the beauty around him, but I don't think he ever took my advice."

Noise nodded sagely. "He wasn't the romantic type."

"This is really pathetic," Cross remarked, picking at some imaginary lint on the leg of his trousers.

"Yes," Lenalee agreed in a broken voice, "It's terrible."

"He was a little young to be a spinster," Cross said.

"Pardon me," Allen said, frowning as Cross sniggered. "If he isn't really dead, we shouldn't speak of him in the past tense, should we?"

Komui came over to drape an arm around Allen's shoulders. "Exactly the spirit," he said cheerfully. "Well, that's too bad, but since he's not completely dead, it means that there's someone out there for him. We'll simply have to devise a strategy to find her. Reever!"

A groan sounded from somewhere in the depths of the room.

Allen lingered after the others had filed out. "Komui?"

"Yes, Allen? Did you think of something?"

"No. I wanted to ask about what happened to Kanda. We've never gotten along, but-" Allen paused. "Um, so the mostly dead thing. I guess I'm a bit fuzzy about how that happened. Did he-"

Komui sighed. "Well, Allen, it's a long story. He had a personal mission to fulfill, and he accomplished that, but at the cost of most of his life. I can't discuss the specifics with you, but you may have guessed that he had certain, hm, terms he had agreed to in order to ensure this obligation of his would be met. It appears he didn't fully understand how that worked. If you think of anyone Kanda might have, er, fraternized with in your travels with him-" Komui blinked. "You don't know of anyone here in the Order, do you?" He grabbed Allen's jacket. "It wasn't Lenalee, was it?"

"I. . .I really don't think so," Allen said faintly, observing with alarm how white Komui's knuckles were. "Sir? Please let go."

Komui nodded. "Good. That would be tragic. And Lavi did say he'd never seen Kanda look at a girl in. . .that way." He cleared his throat, taking a deep breath as he let go of Allen. "The Church would have fits, but we should be realistic. In that case, I'll see you all after dinner."

"Are we going to have some sort of service for him?" Allen asked. "A prayer vigil or something? I think that would be nice."

"No," Komui said, beaming, "not exactly."

***

"This is the last thing I would have guessed we were here for," Lavi said to Allen, "although now that I think about it I really shouldn't be surprised."

"Could I have everyone's attention?" Komui called out briskly. "This shouldn't take too long. Oh! I have a list of exemptions." He fished into his jacket, produced a crumpled scrap of paper, and squinted at it. "Exorcist Lenalee Lee." He folded the paper neatly and returned it to his pocket. "Now, I have a few more questions that should streamline this process. Please raise a hand if Kanda Yuu has ever threatened you with bodily harm."

Lavi's hand shot up, and Allen slowly raised his own. As he glanced around the room, he realized that more than half of the people present also had arms in the air.

Komui's face fell a little, but he pushed his glasses up bravely with a finger and continued, his tone tinged with disappointment. "Well, so much for that then. Queue up, please, in alphabetical order by last name." He searched the room until his gaze fell upon Lavi. "Lavi, you'll be first; no surname, you know."

"Oh, I do hope it's me!" Lavi said brightly while clasping his hands under his chin. Then he slumped and sighed. "This is all very amusing, but I'm also a little terrified."

"I don't think there's much of a chance it will be me," Allen said. "He's hated me from the moment he first saw me."

"You know what they say about hate," Lavi crooned. "Oh, Komui," he called, "I think you should have a special accelerated placement for the short list here-"

Allen clapped a hand over Lavi's mouth and gave him his most angelic smile. "Go give Kanda a kiss," Allen said, shoving Lavi toward the bed where Kanda lay, trying not to think about how pale and unnaturally still Kanda was.

***

Komui moaned and covered his head with his hands. "This is going to take far longer than I thought. We didn't even get to H tonight!"

"I'm sorry," Allen said. He tried not to fidget in his seat. He only hoped that the crowd that had gathered around Kanda's bed this evening to watch would tire of it before it was his turn.

It's certainly not your fault," Komui said. "Oh, Kanda, why must you make these things difficult? Reliable, talented, and inscrutable!"

Allen had often wondered the same thing.

"And what if his true love isn't in the Order?" Komui added, speaking into the top of his desk. "I'll do whatever I can to help, but it isn't as if quests for true love are considered noble these days. A shame, really. And finding someone willing to go out on a mission on Kanda's behalf is going to be problematic at best."

"Yes," Allen said. "I suppose so." He frowned a little.

"But," Komui said, his voice going muddy, "the important thing is that Lenalee is safe."

Allen raised an eyebrow. That didn't make much sense at all. "Safe from what?"

"All of you," Komui replied, and then snored.

"Right," Allen sighed, and stood up, stretching. The clock on the wall pointed to just after three in the morning, but he didn't feel much like sleeping. It was why he had come to keep Komui company in the first place. Maybe Lavi would still be awake. He decided to go see if there were any lights on in the library.

Instead, he found himself hovering over Kanda.

He lay a hand over Kanda's chest. It was quiet, his skin cold through the thin fabric of his shirt, and after a few seconds Allen felt Kanda's heart beat once and snatched his hand away.

Allen loved all people in a general sense, and all of his friends for who they were as individuals. If he were honest with himself, Kanda had many admirable qualities that he thought people tended to overlook. Allen wished that Kanda didn't hate him, and he had tried on numerous occasions to make peace with him. He still held hope that he would succeed one day. He had even convinced himself that Kanda was his friend, in the sense that if Kanda were a completely different person and circumstances had been completely different, they could have perhaps been civil to each other and maybe even shared an opinion once in a while when the moment was right.

It didn't seem much like anything that could be mistaken for the kind of love that could conquer all things, even death.

But it was his duty, as Kanda's comrade, to help test Komui's theory. Something stirred in the pit of Allen's stomach, but that was probably hope. Yes, hope for Kanda's future, that was it. And if he tried it now, it would be like a practice run for the official kiss sometime tomorrow night, and maybe he'd be able to do it without his heart leaping around in his chest and his hands trembling like they were doing at the moment, without feeling a little dizzy and a little sick.

He leaned down and pressed his lips to Kanda's cold ones. Just for a moment. Nothing. Allen took a huge, shaky breath and slumped down onto the floor next to Kanda's bed.

"I'll volunteer to find whoever it is," he said out loud. "If it isn't anyone here, I promise, Kanda, I'll find them for you. Since. . .since no one else will want to."

After a few minutes of anxious silence, he got up and gingerly rested his hand on Kanda's chest again. There were two heartbeats, but he was sure he had let his hand rest there longer than he had before.

Suddenly exhausted, he decided that maybe he should go to bed after all.

***

He woke up from a dream of hammering an infinite number of nails into a board for no particular reason and then was briefly, intensely annoyed with whoever was trying to break his door down.

"Allen!" Lavi called. "Wake up!"

"Mmmighrrr," Allen mumbled, rolling out of bed and staggering to the door without bothering to open his eyes. "What?"

"Someone is in love with Kanda," Lavi singsonged. "Either that, or Komui made all of us kiss him for nothing. Whatever the case may be, he's awake."

Allen's eyes flew open. "What?"

Lavi bobbed his head vigorously. "He's displeased, to say the least. But I guess that was to be expected, yeah?"

"Right," Allen said, still bewildered by sleep. He focused on combing his fingers frantically through his hair and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as Lavi whisked him down the hall. "Where are we going?"

"To see Kanda! He's allowed to have visitors, although Komui's keeping him for observation for a bit," Lavi said. "At least until he can walk unassisted again. It shouldn't take long. In the meantime, I have decided that he should have as many visitors as possible." He grinned. "To keep his spirits up. That's what friends are for, right?"

"Er, sure," Allen said. "It would have been nice to brush my teeth first."

"Not like you're going to have to kiss him now; you can brush your teeth later!" Lavi said, throwing open the door to the infirmary. "Oh Yuu! I brought you another visitor!"

Kanda stared at Allen without much interest for a moment.

Allen remembered two faint heartbeats and his own heart almost stopped.

Kanda turned a vicious glare on Lavi. "I am beginning to hate you," Kanda said. "A little bit."

"You're upset because our love isn't the kind that transcends death," Lavi said, coming over to pat Kanda on the arm. "It's only natural that you would be disappointed. I still can't believe you have no idea who it could be. Not even a little twinge of longing for anyone? Yuu, that's very unhealthy, you know, to suppress your instincts like that."

Allen's cheeks began to go hot.

"Are you going to remind me of this ridiculous nonsense with every breath?" Kanda demanded. "I can put an end to that."

"Yes, I am," Lavi said with a wide smile. "And you could, if you were able to move. Now, Allen isn't very awake yet himself-"

"He looks like he's been run over by a train," Kanda muttered, and Allen's cheeks went even hotter.

Allen wanted nothing more than to go crawl into a quiet corner of Headquarters and consider all of this carefully. Or maybe to carefully not consider it at all. "I should go," Allen said. "I-I was up late last night, and Lavi just dragged me out of bed, and-" he swallowed. "Well, I'm glad that you're alive again, Kanda, and I'm terribly sorry that Lavi is being such a pain."

Kanda's derisive snort followed Allen out of the room.

***

"Oh, Allen, you must help me plan the menu for the party!" Jerry said. "Isn't it wonderful? Such a virile, passionate young man as Kanda Yuu-it would have been tragic for him to die so young. And so romantic! Who'd have believed, in this day and age, that true love could bring someone back to life? Komui is a genius, I tell you, an absolute genius."

Allen blinked.

"Anyway, you have the widest range of culinary tastes; it's positively impressive. I simply can't do this without your help, and you're always so very enthusiastic, and-well, I'll be doing the cooking, so it will turn out all right," Jerry finished, patting Allen's arm.

Allen tried to smile. "Of course I'll help," he said. "But Kanda hates parties, I think."

"Well, think of it this way: it's like the opposite of a funeral," Jerry declared. "In that we are honoring his continued good health, rather than his death, but it's not really for him; it's for everyone else!" He punctuated the last part with a flourishing wave of an arm.

Allen was pretty sure there were some serious flaws with this logic, but he couldn't figure out where to begin to argue with it, so he shook his head and began rattling off his choices for a late breakfast instead. Then he sat down and began to eat in the way he only did when he had something serious to contemplate: methodically, and without tasting much of it.

It was Allen's opinion that the entire situation was a dire error on someone's part. Possibly Komui's. Really, Allen told himself, it could have been any of the people who kissed Kanda, or none of them at all. Perhaps there was more than a five minute delay. Perhaps Komui had forgotten to carry a digit in his calculations and it was five hours. Perhaps Kanda's tenacity and determination and strength alone had allowed him to drag himself back from the doors of death.

At worst it was some sort of cosmic joke, the humor of which he was failing to see, although Allen was fairly certain the cosmos did not possess the same sense of humor as Cross Marian.

And if he and Kanda were, in fact, the victims of such an inescapable bond as true love, then it would be Allen's burden and he would never reveal it. They would have to continue to go through the motions of hating each other with Kanda none the wiser, and if nothing else, Allen would at least understand the reason for the infinite tension between them.

Kanda was sure to find someone else who would love him: a pretty girl, maybe, one who cooked well and was strong enough to handle Kanda's foulest moods. One that Kanda would be fond of. Allen contemplated this idyllic fantasy briefly and then sighed when he realized that even the dream world he had built for Kanda's future fell apart after a few short minutes when the Kanda in his head ended up glaring impassively at a lovely girl, finding fault with everything she did until she hit him with a rolling pin. Or strangled him with soba noodles.

He wouldn't tell Kanda, at least; not until he and Kanda could engage in civil discourse, and maybe not even then.

He resolved to work harder at improving their interaction.

In the meantime, he had to tell Komui.

***

"Hmm. Hmmmmmmmm." Komui fiddled with a pencil as he paced back and forth and began to mutter to himself. "With Kanda's normal blood pressure being what it is, and taking into consideration his temperament, it would stand to reason that it would take a bit of time for. . ." The pencil snapped. "It must be! That's wonderful!" he cried.

Allen squirmed in his seat. "Is it?"

"Well." Komui peered over his glasses at Allen. "Isn't it?"

Allen looked at the floor.

"Oh, yes, well. I'm speaking from a purely scientific perspective, then," Komui explained hastily. "You know that we scientists are immensely gratified when we are proven correct on our more unpopular theories. That idiot Bak and I went back and forth for hours on this. I can't wait to tell him I was right." He frowned at the remains of his pencil, then studied Allen while absently shoving the pieces behind his ears. Finally he offered Allen an understanding smile. "Of course, whether or not it is wonderful for you is more of a conundrum, I suppose."

"Yes," Allen said, swallowing around the lump that had formed in his throat. "Actually-I'd really prefer it if you never, ever told anyone about this. Ever. Particularly not Kanda. Or anyone. Ever."

Komui nodded. "Yes, yes, I see. You'll need some time to work out your differences. And I don't believe in interfering in matters of the heart. Better to let nature take its course."

"Can't it be anything else?" Allen blurted out. "Kanda and I have never even been able to stay in the same room for any length of time!"

Komui sat down in the chair next to Allen's and put a reassuring hand on Allen's arm. "I assure you this information will remain strictly classified. On a need-to-know basis only. Kanda hasn't expressed any interest in finding out who it is; in fact, he's voiced a. . .rather vehement skepticism as to how all of this came about. So don't worry."

Allen let out a relieved sigh. "Thank you."

***

"Well," said Komui the next day. He wouldn't meet Allen's gaze directly. It deepened Allen's already healthy suspicions. "I did say on a need-to-know basis."

Allen slumped forward and buried his face in his hands. It was a great injustice, he thought, that he was not always the quickest of thinkers. The phrase need-to-know basis was not in any respect the same thing as nobody at all, and he had bolted up and out of bed at four in the morning with the panicked realization. "Who?" he asked, already wincing.

Komui cleared his throat. "Theodore. He is Kanda's general, and as such he must be apprised of any pertinent developments that might affect Kanda's performance in his duties."

"Oh," Allen said, looking up. "Well, that isn't so-"

"Lavi, for obvious reasons," Komui continued.

"You told Lavi?" Allen wailed.

"It's his job to know these things."

"But he's Lavi!" Allen protested.

"That can't be helped," said Komui dismissively. "He won't tell anyone. It would be a dishonor to his profession to reveal something told to him in confidentiality."

"But. . .he's Lavi!"

"Yes." Komui paused. "Terribly sorry about that. Moving on. Lenalee, of course, knows-"

"What on earth does Lenalee have to do with any of this?"

"She's my assistant. I tell her everything."

"Of course," Allen said listlessly.

"And."

There was a long silence.

"And?" Allen prompted.

There was another long silence.

"Cross," Komui admitted at last.

Allen wilted even further in his chair.

"He's your general. You have my condolences. For. . .well, for all of that." Komui patted Allen on the back. "It's not so bad."

"You, clearly, are not me," Allen said wretchedly into his hands, and then dragged himself out of his chair to shuffle out.

***

Even though he was angled in such a way as to have a good view of it, Allen hadn't been watching the entrance to the big hall where they were congregating. He just happened to be looking in that direction when Kanda stalked in, looking pinched and pained, as if he had sat on a pincushion. He considered it rather rude of Kanda to appear late to his own party, but that didn't mean Allen couldn't try to be friendly anyway. It wasn't as if he were trying to avoid Kanda.

"Welcome back," he said, smiling, making a move toward Kanda which he aborted midstep when Kanda rolled his eyes.

This seemed like the perfect opportunity to remind himself that he had made the right decision by not telling Kanda that they were apparently soulmates.

He busied himself with talking to a few of the Finders he hadn't seen in a while and watching people dance. He liked to dance himself, and thought he might be brave enough to ask Lenalee to go round a few times with him-Allen was sure Komui would consider him safe under the circumstances-but as he excused himself from the conversation to approach her, a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

Allen sighed. He would have known the weight of that hand anywhere.

"Are you going to dance with your boyfriend?" Cross asked, one corner of his mouth quirking up.

Allen scowled up at him. "If it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you never mention that again?"

"No trouble at all," Cross said patronizingly, patting him. "God knows I don't have time to waste discussing your love life, especially not when beautiful women are available to dance with. Has no one approached her?" He sighed. "What a crime."

With that, he stepped past Allen and held a hand out to Lenalee. Komui was engaged in an animated discussion with other members of the science team, and she glanced at him only briefly before beaming at Cross and taking his hand.

"Ouch," Lavi said from behind Allen.

"Shut up," Allen muttered, watching as Cross led her to the far side of the dance floor. "You wouldn't have even dared to go near her."

"Not until after Komui is very drunk, no," Lavi admitted. "Or until after I am. I'm not sure which."

Allen shook his head and glanced around again, noticing that Kanda had taken a seat. "Do you think that Kanda looks a bit depressed?"

"Well, you know, Allen, this is bound to be very confusing for him. You should go talk to him," Lavi said, nudging Allen's shoulder and grinning. "After all-"

"Say it and I'll tell Cross and Komui about your eternal crush on Lenalee. Then you will never dance with her in this lifetime."

"Blackmail," Lavi said, hooking his arm through Allen's, "is not very nice. I guess we'll have to go talk to him together!" He dragged Allen in Kanda's direction. "Safety in numbers," he added on the way.

Allen made a protesting noise. "I'm not afraid of him!"

"I see you're not going to tell him."

Allen made a face at Lavi and then schooled his face into a smile again as they stopped in front of Kanda.

"How's your party, Yuu?" Lavi asked. "You don't even have a drink yet!" He shook his glass merrily.

"I don't drink," Kanda said, frowning. "What do you want? Small talk? Forget it."

"We don't mean to be a bother," Allen surprised himself by saying. "We just thought you might like some company."

Kanda looked Allen up and down with more than a little scorn. Somehow it was completely different from all the other times Kanda had done the exact same thing. Allen looked around in an effort to fight down an embarrassing flush, just in time to see Cross dip Lenalee nearly to the floor.

"Whoa," Lavi said after a moment. "I think I saw knickers."

Allen punched him in the arm.

"Ow. So, Yuu, d'you think-"

"Who is it?" Kanda demanded.

Allen's head whipped back around. Lavi's expression was carefully blank. "Who is what?"

Kanda sighed ferociously. "The coward who won't come forward." He glared back and forth between them. "Explain to me exactly how it is I can be in love with someone without knowing about it."

"I wouldn't know anything about that!" Lavi declared. "And my glass is empty!"

He disappeared.

The distressing silence that followed was punctuated only by the music and the noise of the crowd. Lenalee's laughter was audible through the commotion. Allen glanced at Komui again and gave thanks to the powers that were that Komui was in the midst of a heated debate with someone in the corner, then turned his attention back to Kanda. "So, Kanda, um, what do you like to talk about?"

"What?"

"You said no small talk, so I thought I'd-"

"I want to know who it is," Kanda interrupted.

Allen eyed the hand on the hilt of Kanda's sword with growing concern.

"Well?" Kanda asked hotly. "You know everyone, Walker, don't tell me you haven't-"

"Are you suggesting," Lavi interjected, suddenly back and leaning heavily on Allen's shoulder, "that Allen would fall prey to the evils of idle gossip? Surely not!"

Allen wasn't sure whether to hug him or kill him.

"And did you see what Miranda is wearing? That décolleté should be illegal!"

Kanda scowled.

"Oh, for the love of-" Allen stopped himself. He wasn't a coward. He was being prudent, which Kanda would certainly appreciate if he knew. In fact, it was almost a shame that he would never know how sensible Allen was being. The thought inspired Allen to continue being sensible. "I don't care for Cross," he said, "but I don't wish him dead either. Excuse me."

***

"Every afternoon when the boys were younger," Theodore said, carefully pouring from a teapot the color of a daffodil, "we would stop for tea, no matter where we were in the world. We'd find a shady tree with the limbs drooping down just so." The fingers of his free hand painted the graceful curves of branches and daubed the leaves upon it so expressively that Allen could almost see sunlight dappling through the picture in the air. "With a chatty little stream close by, when we could find one." The imaginary stream took shape beyond the imaginary tree, courtesy a wave of Theodore's hand. Theodore set the teapot down. "It was like having a home wherever we were. How many sugars?"

"Four, thank you," Allen answered promptly. "And that sounds lovely." Sometimes he wished that Cross had made more of an effort to find nice things in the world around him, instead of in dark back rooms and bottles.

"Daisya was the chatterbox." Theodore sighed. "He certainly talked enough to make up for the other boys. I would ask them each to tell me one thing they had learned every day." He squinted through his fingerprint-smudged spectacles at Allen and then chuckled. "Kanda always hated that part, because he knew everything already, of course, and what he didn't know was certainly irrelevant." An indulgent smile flitted across his face.

"I see," Allen said, although he really didn't just yet.

"There are still a lot of things that Kanda doesn't know," Theodore added.

Allen set his teacup down and fidgeted, staring at the imaginary landscape behind Theodore.

"I think that it's wonderful," Theodore said in conclusion.

Wonderful. That word again. Allen wasn't even sure what Theodore was talking about anymore. He gave Theodore a half-hearted smile and made a noise that he hoped didn't sound like despair.

"I'm very supportive of Kanda's happiness, however he may find it," Theodore said. "I think that he deserves to be," he paused to pull out a handkerchief, "very happy."

Allen made another noise.

"And sometimes," Theodore said, "happiness comes from places we wouldn't expect it to. I told Kanda just the other day when we discussed this that love comes in all shapes and sizes. We don't always recognize it when we see it. And don't worry, I would never betray your confidence. I know you'll find your own way to tell him when the time is right."

Allen cleared his throat and wished that Theodore's chatty little stream would magically appear so that he could fling himself into it and escape this conversation. "More tea?" he asked faintly.

***

Afterward, Allen thought that it had been unnecessary to learn that Kanda secretly bit his fingernails, among other things. He also thought that the way Lavi was wheezing and clutching his sides when Allen had sought him out to try to make sense of it was a bit much.

"What is so funny?" Allen demanded. "It was excruciating! I thought we were going to have a pleasant tea and chat and all he did was talk about Kanda!"

"Oh my God," Lavi gasped between cackles. "I'll help you write your proposal."

"What are you talking about?" Allen wailed, and when Lavi couldn't answer him, he added, "I hate you," and meant it-at least for the moment-kicked Lavi in the leg, and went to his room to calm down.

A vision of Lavi being attacked by one of Komui's mechanical spawn, unable to defend himself thanks to the monstrous, deforming goose-egg of a bruise that Allen had put on his thigh, was enough to send Allen on his way back to apologize when it dawned on him.

Theodore had given him permission.

Allen made an about-face and marched back to his room. Lavi had deserved to be kicked.

He hadn't even managed to get to the part where Theodore had clasped Allen's hands fervently as he was bidding him farewell and mentioned in a serious tone that Allen really ought to speak with Lenalee.

Allen suspected that it had something to do with the fact that Lenalee had known Kanda since they were children, and he thought it would be a spectacularly bad idea. Lenalee's heart was always in the right place, but she tended toward notions of hopeless romance already.

***

Allen had prepared himself for a long, mind-cleansing soak in one of the pools in the bathhouse, and he relaxed almost immediately when his feet met the comforting heated stone of the floor after scrubbing himself down. Typically bathhouses were a rather social setting, and while Allen enjoyed a friendly atmosphere, bathing was one of the things he had come to believe should be a private matter. A few harrowing experiences in bathhouses with Cross Marian had taught him that lesson.

He knew that there was one pool in particular that was mostly unused, perhaps because it required a trek up and down over a flight of stairs which was sometimes treacherous when water condensed on the rocks, or perhaps because the water tended to be either scalding hot or icy cold. Komui hadn't quite gotten around to fixing the pipes yet. He picked his way over the steps and down to the pool, steam rising in great tufts to meet him. A scalding hot day then.

What Allen hadn't prepared himself for was the way the steam cleared enough when he reached the level to reveal Kanda reclining across the flattest rock in the pool, the one that Allen himself preferred, an expression approaching bliss on his face. His cheeks were bright red from the heat, his hair plastered to the stone and his forehead and his chest, and his arms stretched out on either side of him.

Allen froze, two steps away from the water, and stared.

This was the side of Kanda that Allen tried to avoid thinking about at all costs. It only led to frustration. Allen knew that Kanda possessed the ability, however little he allowed himself to take advantage of it, to be at peace with himself and with the universe in a way that Allen had never been able to achieve himself. He also knew that Kanda's latent power even in relaxation was so clear that it radiated from him. Allen had only glimpsed it a handful of times, but right now it was impossible to ignore.

And the last thing Allen wanted to do, he thought, was to obliterate all of that by telling Kanda the truth. He swallowed and slunk out of his towel and into the water, wincing a little at the heat. Kanda's eyes drifted open.

"You," he muttered.

"Yes," Allen muttered in reply.

"Hmmph," Kanda said, and his eyes closed again.

Then Allen remembered his resolution to improve his rapport with Kanda, so he swallowed and inched around the edge of the pool until he found a spot that was slightly less scalding hot and by a matter of pure coincidence was also closer to Kanda.

"Stop right there," Kanda said without opening his eyes. "I came here so I wouldn't be bothered."

Allen sighed and brought a hand out of the water, watching tiny streams from his fingertips dwindle into droplets that hung there, trembling. Then he began to scoot back the way he had come. Kanda was right. There was no reason to disturb him right now; he deserved his well-earned bit of luxury.

"Wait," Kanda said. "You. Now that loudmouth isn't around to act insufferably. Who is it?"

Shit, Allen thought, and began to inch toward Kanda again against every shred of his common sense. He considered defending Lavi, but then he remembered the wheezing and the rolling around and decided against it. "Um," he said. "Who is what?"

Kanda sighed. "The person," he said as if Allen were incredibly old and deaf, "that I am beginning to suspect is a creation of Komui's overactive imagination. The one that-that revived me."

Allen cleared his throat for lack of anything more intelligent to respond with and was very careful to look into the swirling water instead of at Kanda.

"Or whatever," Kanda added.

"Right," Allen said, because it seemed like something needed to be said in the painful silence that followed. "Er."

Kanda's reflexes clearly did not suffer even when he was stewing in a cauldron, which was what Allen was convinced the pool had become; the water felt unbearably hot, or maybe that was just Allen's face, and he couldn't remember why he had thought this was a good idea. In the next moment Kanda was in front of him, at a distance and an angle that made it impossible for him to extricate himself from the water without giving Kanda an eyeful of parts of Allen he was unwilling to share with Kanda yet. Ever. Ever, because Allen was not in love with Kanda no matter how many people presumed to know otherwise. Allen was under the impression that love was a pretty sure thing when one was experiencing it and the only sure thing here was that he was going to die.

"Walker."

"Okay, okay!" Allen said. "Um, I can't tell you. Because, um. Okay, look. Only the person who is in love with you should tell you."

"What?"

"I," Allen cleared his throat and tried again. "That's what Komui told me." It was sort of true, and Allen was desperate for a distraction, and dizzy from the heat, and bluffing really appeared to be his only option here. He was very, very good at bluffing. Usually.

Allen smiled disarmingly and then pushed as much water as he could at Kanda.

"Did you-did you really just do that?" Incredulity colored Kanda's tone. Water dripped down his face. Steam billowed.

"Sorry?" Allen said, squeezing his eyes shut in mortification.

"Of all the juvenile, idiotic things-are you six years old?"

"I'm sorry!" Allen tried again with more feeling. He had forgotten in his panic that Kanda utterly lacked a sense of humor.

"Jesus," Kanda said, and disappeared under the water, coming up a moment later looking as if he had reclaimed his dignity while he was submerged. He climbed out of the pool with far more composure than Allen had expected, an angry snap of his towel before he tucked it around his waist the only sign that he hadn't forgotten about what Allen had done. Allen hastily looked in the opposite direction before Kanda could shoot him the death glare Allen was sure would follow. The last thing he wanted Kanda to see was Allen watching him.

It would only add insult to the situation, Allen told himself; from his own experiences he knew that a sane person didn't like to be stared at when he was naked, no matter how graceful or tightly muscled his body was. It was embarrassing. And unsettling. For all involved parties. He sank under the water himself. It was cooler than his cheeks were, at least, and he counted as high as he could before surfacing to ensure that Kanda would be gone when he came up.

***

"So you lied to him," Lenalee concluded the next afternoon.

Allen stopped pacing across her bedroom floor. "No! I mean, not really."

Lenalee tilted her head at him.

Allen hated it when she did that. "It's not like I had much of a choice!" he protested.

"Maybe you need to learn to be more comfortable with your body, Allen," Lenalee said, settling herself cross-legged on her bed and motioning Allen to sit down with her.

He raised an eyebrow and took a tentative seat at the foot of the bed. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well," Lenalee said, reaching under her pillow and producing a bag of sugar cookies. "Here. I mean, there's no need to be uncomfortable with who you are. I mean. You know." She smiled helpfully.

Allen nearly choked. "I don't even like him. He was just very naked. And wet. And that doesn't mean anything anyway. I've seen people naked. A lot of times." Allen reached forward and grabbed at Lenalee's arm. "Are you even listening to me?"

"Of course I'm listening. You spent a lot of time detailing that part of it; I thought that maybe it was important."

"I did? Wait, I did not, we were in the bathhouse and that's what people do in bathhouses-oh God, can we please pretend we never had this conversation?"

She pursed her lips. "Allen, you're kind of. . .well, you remember when I told you you were selfish?"

"How could I forget," Allen muttered.

"Well, you still are. You're being a selfish ass. And a prude. What if Kanda simply needs a lover's touch to make him surrender to his desires? To make him realize that his heart yearns with a passion that has been kindling since the day he first saw you?"

Allen knew his mouth was hanging open in disgust, but he couldn't bring himself to care about it. "You've been reading those awful romance serials that Lavi brings in, haven't you."

"Komui and Jerry read them too!" Lenalee retorted. "Anyway, I was actually talking to Kanda about this very subject last night-don't worry, I didn't tell him-but he wanted to know how he could find out who it was. So silly. Girls just know these things. You have to learn to listen to your heart, and that's what I told him. I'm not sure he believed me. He looked at me. . .well, the same way you're looking at me." She snorted. "Boys."

Allen buried his head in his hands.

"Wouldn't you be crushed if someone was in love with you but refused to tell you about it? Kanda is really just like a big lovable, um-"

"I beg your pardon," Allen interrupted. "Are we talking about the same Kanda Yuu who once told me that he would feed my eyeballs to the fish if I didn't shut the hell up?"

"Yes. That one. Sometimes," Lenalee said, her voice taking on a dreamy quality as she hugged a pillow, "there are many facets to a person. You know. Some people who seem like huge jerks have a more tender side as well. They merely need the proper person to complement it."

Allen paused in angrily chewing a cookie. He knew those words. They were familiar in a haunting, dreadful sort of way that Allen couldn't quite put a finger on.

"Someone who can draw out their more vulnerable side," Lenalee continued with a faraway smile.

Allen's mouth dropped open stupidly. He knew exactly where he had heard that before. "Oh my God, Lenalee," he moaned when he could speak again. "Oh, God, please tell me that you didn't-with Cross-oh, Lenalee, why?"

"Um," said Lenalee. "Cross is charming, and a wonderful conversationalist, and he can dance, and oh, his hands are just absolutely-"

"Please," Allen said faintly. "Just. Stop talking. Please. I need to think."

"Mmm," Lenalee murmured.

"Komui is going to kill him."

Lenalee's eyes went wide and filled with tears. "Don't you dare tell my brother, Allen Walker! If you ruin this for me I will be furious!"

"Ugh. Fine. Don't worry, I won't, um. I won't," Allen said, patting her hand awkwardly. "I just." He shook his head. "I'm a bit concerned about your well-being. That's all."

"I am a grown woman, Allen, and Cross takes very good care of me," Lenalee said, twirling a strand of hair around her fingers.

"Okay. That's great. Just lovely and completely unsurprising. I'm leaving now," Allen said. "I don't feel very well."

***

"Oh, that." Lavi's mouth contorted as if he couldn't make up his mind whether to grin or scowl. "Yes, Allen, congratulations on being the last person to find that out. Except for Kanda," he added as if he were relieved to have something else to contemplate, "and Komui. Hmmm."

"How could I have not seen the signs?" Allen wailed. "I blame myself. Completely. If I had gotten to her first at Kanda's party, this never would have happened. Okay, it might have anyway, but at least it might have taken longer."

"Mmm. Knickers. Probably the only time I'll ever see them," Lavi reflected mournfully. "Cross could have anyone; why would he want Lenalee?"

"That's sort of exactly the point," Allen said, and patted Lavi's arm. "Sorry."

"Ah, well," Lavi sighed and then sat up straight. "Hey, this means that she'll need to be comforted when Cross dumps her, right?"

"Yes," Allen said sadly. "She'll need our support when it happens; it's always a terrible thing to behold."

"She'll be lonely," Lavi said.

Allen murmured a sympathetic assent.

"And. . .experienced."

Allen narrowed his eyes.

"And lonely," Lavi repeated, a bit of the gleam returning to his eye.

"Oh, dear Christ," Allen muttered. "Am I the only sane person left here? The lunacy is spreading like a disease."

"You're the only one with a sure thing, and you're the only one fighting it. So who is the crazy one?"

"Have I ever told you that I hate you?" Allen asked.

"Yes," Lavi replied, grinning. "But I know that you don't mean it."

***

Two days later, Allen had taken to pacing up and down the corridors in Headquarters in what he hoped was a suitably threatening manner in case anyone else decided to take it upon themselves to tell him how he should comport himself with respect to his private affairs. People smiled at him as they passed him in the halls, and Allen smiled back and didn't think anyone had ever been more miserable than he.

He practiced turning on a heel often. He believed he was developing a particular talent for that, but it did little to improve his mood.

He discovered that there were exactly seventeen cracks in the stone floor between his room and Lavi's room, thirty-two between his room and Lenalee's room, eighty-six between his room and Cross's quarters, and sixty-one between his room and Kanda's room. He wondered if Komui was aware of the number of cracks in the floor of his base of operations.

He was rechecking the number of cracks between his room and Komui's office when he found himself being hauled off into an empty corridor by the collar of his shirt.

"Kanda, I-what are you doing?"

Kanda had grabbed both of Allen's wrists and was crushing them in one of his hands.

"If this is about the bathhouse thing, I know that was stupid and childish and I already said I was sorry!"

Kanda shoved Allen into the wall, knocking the wind out of him.

"What?" Allen croaked.

"You know what. You know what, you idiot!" Kanda released Allen's hands and planted his own on the wall on either side of Allen. Allen tried to look anywhere but into Kanda's eyes, at the crease of determination in his forehead, the splotchy blush on his cheeks, Kanda's shoulders heaving with each breath he took, and then Allen's eyes widened as he realized what was about to happen.

"Kanda, I think this is-"

Allen had a split second to consider invocating his arm out of sheer panic, and then it was too late.

As far as kisses went, this was surely one of the worst in history. Allen only had the vaguest hope that he was not making a fool of himself, a hope that wasn't helped in the slightest by the whimper that came out of his throat. He couldn't seem to get enough air, because the air was full of Kanda, his scent, his hair brushing coolly against Allen's red-hot face, and-

And because Kanda clearly didn't know what he was doing.

"Ow!" Allen cried, more than a little muffled.

Kanda pulled back and glared at him. "What?"

"Your teeth-my lip-ow!" Allen's finger came away from his lip with blood on it. "You smashed my lip into my teeth! With your teeth!" He was far more upset about all of this than he thought he might have been. In fact, he realized, he was angry, and probably close to hyperventilating, and shaking more than a little bit, and other fragmented emotions were surging up one on top of another with such a speed that Allen couldn't identify them. "You can't just-a-a-and just-"

Kanda closed his eyes. "This," he said evenly, "is never going to work."

Allen wished that Kanda had made that observation before Allen had known what the inside of Kanda's mouth tasted like. Perhaps they could have even sat down and discussed it in a rational manner. "Not like this!" Allen yelled.

"Because." Kanda's voice was a low rumble, possibly trembling, and the timbre of it made something curl tight and warm in the pit of Allen's stomach. "You are always going to be a coward."

Allen took a deep, calming breath, met Kanda's gaze steadily, and said, "No, this isn't going to work."

The space of time that followed was long enough for Allen to remember how dark Kanda's eyes were and long enough for him to decide that a cleansing breath, direct eye contact, and a hasty catalogue of Kanda's better, more humanizing qualities had done nothing to make Allen less angry. Kanda took a single step back, straightening up, and left Allen enough space to do what seemed like the most appropriate thing under the circumstances.

He punched Kanda in the mouth and scurried away.

***

"You!" Allen cried, crashing into Cross's quarters. He kept his eyes screwed shut and listened for any horrifying noises, but the only sound was the door banging against the wall. Relieved, he opened them and glared at Cross accusingly.

"Idiot," Cross greeted him. "What."

"Yes, exactly! All of this is your fault!" Allen sputtered. "All of it! The-the bathhouses, and the-appreciating people's bodies, and the-the skulking-"

"Skulking?" Cross repeated, amused. "You've been skulking?"

"Yes, skulking," Allen said bitterly. "If it weren't for all of the skulking-"

Cross sighed. "This sounds more like a personal problem. A personal failing, to be more exact. Can't say I'm surprised."

Allen gaped at him.

"You know, apprentice," Cross said, reaching over to pour himself a glass of cognac, "if you've mistakenly concluded that your inability to face the truth in your situation is my fault, I find that more than a little ironic."

"It's ten thirty in the morning," Allen informed him.

Cross shrugged.

"You're ruining Lenalee's life," Allen added.

"Am I?" Cross asked. "She's a beautiful woman who has missed out on the attention she so richly deserves," he continued, raising a finger to quash Allen's protest, "thanks to her creep of a brother."

"Komui isn't a creep," Allen said.

Cross snorted. "All right. I don't have time for this. You didn't come here about Lenalee. You came here about the dead kid."

"His name is Kanda," Allen reminded him. "And he isn't dead anymore."

"Whatever. You've picked a hell of a time to start thinking before you act, kid. Thinking has never really worked for you anyway. I suggest you stop."

"But-"

"But nothing. Off you go."

***

Allen scowled as he left Cross's quarters and was still scowling when he knocked on Kanda's door.

"I'm not a coward," he announced when Kanda opened it. He didn't give Kanda a chance to refute it before he shoved his way past him, although he didn't miss the massive roll of Kanda's eyes to the heavens. "I was trying to spare you the aggravation," he continued, "because you've always hated me, and if we can't even be friends then it seems pretty silly to me to try to skip past that. And I didn't mean to be-the one who revived you. And you are still a jerk."

"Are you done?" Kanda asked.

"No." Allen took a deep breath. "I don't know how you found out, but I should have been the one to tell you, and I'm sorry about that. But you are a terrible kisser, and you should ask someone before you kiss them, instead of dragging them away like a-like a pirate or something and-"

"Shut up."

"Like a pirate," Allen repeated adamantly, and then realized that he had said a number of embarrassing and stupid things and did shut up.

"You weren't any better," Kanda said, crossing his arms.

"Well I would have been, if you hadn't been so-" Allen swallowed. "If you had given me some warning."

"Who else have you kissed?" Kanda demanded. "Because I haven't exactly had the time or inclination to go around kissing people."

Allen thought about it. "Well, no one. But I'm sure I'm better at it than you."

"Whatever."

"I would need to brush my teeth first," Allen added.

Kanda snorted. "This is why this will never work."

"Clearly our ideas of why this won't work are quite different," Allen said, scowling. "But at least we agree on that much."

"Oh, Christ," Kanda said, stalking over to Allen and grabbing him by the arm. "Are you that much of an idiot? Let's go."

"W-where are we going?" Allen asked as Kanda pulled him through the door.

"To brush your stupid teeth," Kanda said through a clenched jaw.

***

"Now you listen to me, you stupid, arrogant ass." Kanda stood behind Allen as he reached for his toothbrush in his own room. Allen glared at him through the mirror. "No one told me about it. I figured it out all on my own. Because you are the only one stupid and careless enough to think that you could ignore it and it would go away. Even if it is you that I'm stuck with, I'm not afraid of it. It's just a. . .a thing. That we have to deal with. You're not using enough toothpaste."

"Yes I am," Allen said. "And I didn't ignore it, thank you very much, I thought about it very carefully and based on the fact that you hate me I decided that you wouldn't want to be bothered with it. I already told you." He shoved his toothbrush into his mouth.

"I'm not any more enthusiastic about this than you are," Kanda said, narrowing his eyes, "but there isn't any other explanation for why I am alive. Since you managed to bring me back from the dead despite being an incompetent, reckless moron. There must be something I've overlooked, although I still haven't figured out what it could be."

Allen spit and rinsed his mouth. "Fine. I guess we've just got all the time in the world to figure that out then."

"Fine. You're done."

"Then I suppose I should kiss you now," Allen said, trying to ignore the way his hands started shaking.

"Stop being a pain in the ass and do it then. You're infuriating."

Allen made a face at him. Kanda raised his eyebrows. There was nothing left for it, so Allen took a deep breath, stepped forward and peered into Kanda's eyes, then closed his own and touched his lips to Kanda's. Kanda's hands came up to Allen's waist. "Please don't do it so hard this time," Allen said, so close that he could feel Kanda's face relax. Kanda's mouth was soft under his the next time he leaned forward, and that wasn't so bad. Much better than the first time. "Um. Are you going to open your mouth?" Allen asked a moment later.

Kanda made an annoyed noise, but his lips parted under Allen's.

Allen really had no idea what he was doing, other than what he had witnessed others doing, but he wasn't about to tell Kanda that, so he tilted his head a little bit to avoid mashing his nose into Kanda's and ran his tongue along the edge of Kanda's teeth. That wasn't so bad either, especially when Kanda's tongue touched his and it sent a little thrill of something into the pit of Allen's stomach.

"I think that was better," Allen said. Somehow his hands had gotten onto Kanda's shoulders and he was clinging to him for dear life. "Are. . .are your knees feeling a little like they might buckle?"

"No," Kanda said, his hands tightening on Allen. "You're probably not doing it right. Shut up and try again."

Allen scowled at him. This time he threaded his fingers into Kanda's hair and clutched at it, pulling Kanda's head forward, and this time Kanda's hands started sliding up Allen's back. Kanda's hands were not shaking in the slightest, but were catching on the fabric of Allen's shirt with the pressure of his touch. The place where Allen had punched him was a little bit puffy and Kanda made a noise when Allen licked over it. Allen decided he needed to get closer and get his mouth more firmly against Kanda's. And maybe other parts more firmly against Kanda, too. He pushed Kanda against the wall.

Finally he remembered that he was trying to get Kanda's knees to wobble. "There," he said weakly. "Knees?

Kanda grunted, which Allen decided would suffice as a yes.

Kanda's neck tasted a little like salt and faintly of metal, and the scent of wind in his hair was distracting Allen from remembering what was supposed to come next. Kanda's teeth were scraping over everywhere he could manage to reach, and his hands, having found a way under Allen's shirt, were finding spots that raised goosebumps. Kanda was an expert at sliding his fingers over things. Like his sword, and now Allen's back, and then Allen began grabbing at any bits of Kanda he could get hold of. Kanda's ass was as firm as the rest of him, which was no surprise after the glimpse of it Allen had gotten in the bathhouse, and Allen worked his knee in between Kanda's legs so he could get a better grip on it.

"Okay," Allen gasped at last, aware that he was rocking in a desperate way against Kanda. "So this is good, right?"

"Stop talking," Kanda mumbled, his leg shifting between Allen's to give both of them better leverage.

"Right," Allen said when he could talk again, "but should we go over to the bed or something?"

Kanda made a noise that Allen managed to interpret as indifference, so Allen went back to fumbling as best he could with Kanda's belt while at the same time trying to grind into him and finding Kanda's collarbone-which Allen had also noticed entirely by accident in the bathhouse-with his tongue and teeth.

After the confusion of the past few weeks, it was a relief to have a physical solution to the problem, and more appealing than Allen had expected for that to include as much of Kanda as he could get his hands on. Kanda's stomach was warm, muscle twitching and flexing under Allen's fingers, and Allen was gratified to realize that Kanda's cock was as hard as Allen's against Allen's hip.

"Idiot," Kanda muttered finally, and pushed Allen's hands away.

Allen drew a ragged breath as he heard the metal of Kanda's belt clang a moment later, and he didn't stop to think about what he was doing before he sank to his knees.

Allen took Kanda's cock in his hand. It was different to touch someone else like this, but good, soft skin and a musky, heady scent. It was even better to see the way Kanda reacted to it, with his fingers digging into the wall behind him and his thighs flexed tightly. He glanced up at Kanda's face. His eyes were shut and Allen could see the line of his throat where he had tilted his head back. It was almost unbearably exhilarating, and Allen forgot any trepidation and finished running his hand over him, over the hair there that was rough but still softer than it looked. Then he took a deep breath, leaned in, and ran his tongue over Kanda's cock.

"Oh, fuck," Kanda spat out, shoving Allen away, but only so he could drop down to the bathroom floor beside him.

Allen paused, broken out of his trance by Kanda's sudden movement, while Kanda glared at him long enough to humiliate him.

"What?" Allen demanded. "It seemed like a natural progression to me!"

"Then why did you stop?" Kanda retorted. He reached for Allen's pants and continued to glare at Allen.

"Oh," Allen said, his humiliation clawing its way out of his stomach so it could creep redly across his cheeks. "I see," he said as Kanda's fingers closed around his cock, and scooted forward to give both of them better access.

There were a lot of things to keep in mind, Allen realized, like keeping his teeth out of the way and trying to figure out what he was doing that was making Kanda's hips jerk and avoiding the near-choking that inevitably followed without actually stopping. It became a rhythm after a few moments, thanks to the steady matching strokes of Kanda's hand on his own cock.

The only warning Allen had was Kanda's groan and his fingers faltering on Allen before Allen's mouth filled with come, which should have been far less pleasant than it was and was a little more messy than Allen had guessed. Kanda shuddered and inhaled shakily while Allen flopped back on the floor, and Allen barely had time to wipe his mouth off on his sleeve before Kanda's hand closed around him again and he was coming into it.

"Um," Allen said to the ceiling after he caught his breath. This wasn't exactly how he had envisioned this going.

A half-hearted sound was Kanda's only response.

"A towel, or something," Allen mumbled, mostly to himself, and kicked his pants off onto the floor so he could get up and find one.

He tossed it to Kanda first and then sat down next to him to clean himself off. Kanda was still lying on his back and staring into Allen's room, taking stock of all the things that Allen hadn't ever bothered to remove to make it look less like a necromancer's dungeon.

"Your room is creepy," Kanda said.

"So is yours," Allen retorted automatically.

***

"So you came in to kiss me in the dead of night and promised to find someone else for me."

"You're oversimplifying it," Allen said. They were sitting on Kanda's bed. The talking never went as well as the rest of it, but Allen was confident they'd figure it out eventually.

"And then decided for the sake of my own apparent wishes that it wasn't worth pursuing."

"Yes?"

"I seem to recall a conversation about sacrificing yourself because you're too soft, dumbass. And what kind of selfish idiot presumes to make that kind of a decision for someone else?"

"It wasn't that! It was. . .completely self-preservation. And logic. Cold, hard logic. And-"

"Shut up," Kanda said wearily. "You're the worst liar ever, and you make my head hurt."

Allen scowled.

Kanda conceded that Komui, at least, should be told, since it was his theory that had prevailed, and that they should not tell him about Lenalee's affair with Cross. Of course, they couldn't agree on the why of it, but Allen was starting to get used to that.

Maybe the best way to find out how they cared for one another was to find the way their differences were the same, Allen concluded, which at first made him feel insightful and intelligent and quite proud of himself, but turned out, upon further reflection, to be no less confusing than any of the rest of this had been.

Kanda still called him an idiot daily, sometimes repeatedly, and always with profound intensity. Allen still wanted to strangle Kanda, sometimes with all of his heart.

But now, Allen thought, they both knew what they really meant by it, and anything else would have been unnatural.