It's Only Love, Rent, Mark/Roger, R
Title: It's Only Love
Fandom: Rent
Pairing: Mark/Roger
Rating: R
Notes: Happy birthday, holycitygirl! This is late! I'm tipsy! I stole the idea from 1sentence and I fudged it around a bit hence why it's kind of all one fic, and the numbers get fudged around in places! I'm sure this entry will need editing tomorrow! But you're my internets!bestest!
#01 - Motion
Just keep moving has been Mark's mantra for far too long now, but he can't stop, can't let Roger sink his fingers into him and hold him in place only to end up stuck and still and alone.
#02 - Cool
The leaves are changing, the sun burns through blue sky but can't take the edge off of the crisp air, and Roger's eyes are forever on the window searching for the first signs of a winter he can sink into and cling to as an excuse to not function for three months.
#03 - Young
Happy birthday: the words hang in the air, and he can still feel the kiss Maureen pressed against his temple, the reassurance of Collins's arms around his shoulders, and the brightness of Joanne's smile in the same moment that he feels the absence of the others and the absence he shouldn't already be feeling what with Roger sitting right beside him.
#04 - Last
"No more of this," Mark says, and he pulls Roger by the arm away from the window and out the door and into the night that they've been staring at for ages, unwilling to partake; this is the last day they've wasted in wanting, in waiting for some good to come to them instead of making their own.
#05 - Wrong
He knows the bar is a mistake--too much money, too many familiar faces, too many memories long shoved aside--but Roger's smiling, even if it is a bit forced, and drinking, even if it can only end badly.
#06 - Gentle
Roger's lips soft against his, his fingers ghosting against his skin, even as he's teetering drunk and should be holding on for dear life, is not exactly the bad ending Mark had envisioned.
#07 - One
It's just one night, just one moment, just one second of weakness that Roger's blamed for every mistake in his life; one kiss, and he's turning his life upside down, watching its contents flutter to the floor below.
#08 - Thousand
There are a thousand reasons for Mark to disregard this--this night, this moment, and he's halfway through reciting them in his head when Roger leans in again, and a thousand reasons disappear from his head and are replaced by the taste of Roger's tongue.
#09 - King
For Roger there is no one else, no one beyond the four walls of the loft, just Mark, his last hold on a life that he barely recognizes, just Mark who reminds him daily that that life is worth making the effort to reclaim, just Mark who can't keep still because he's too busy trying to stop everything from falling down all around them.
#10 - Learn
Roger thought he knew everything about Mark especially since they made a vow post-rehab to not keep secrets anymore, but the way his stomach is trembling beneath his fingers is completely new, and beneath Mark's shirt, his palms stretch flat against the flesh, eager pupils.
#11 - Blur
The streets back to the loft flicker through his brain like a film in reverse as they follow their own footsteps in the snow back to their front door; they are pressed shoulder to shoulder against the cold, their fingers already longing for the skin layered beneath coats and sweaters, their legs carrying them towards the privacy of home.
#12 - Wait
The loft is reassuring, the same cold in the air as always, the same smells, the same dripping faucet, and Mark stops, his hands on Roger's chest and wants to know if its worth the risk, worth the inevitable upheaval, worth the everything.
#13 - Change
Roger's eyes are darker than Mark remembers when he chances looking into them, and Roger whispers, "It's all come down to a sick routine of death, grieve, recover, and exist until we lose the next one, and we need to get the fuck out of it before it kills us, too."
#14 - Command
"Please," Roger says, but Mark pulls away because it's too fast, too unexpected, too much something they can screw up in the dark and the drink and the desperation; Roger says, "Please," but Mark, forever in motion, says, "Stop," and walks away.
#15 - Hold
They are holding their breath for weeks, waiting for one of them to break down and acknowledge what happened, what almost happened, and what might still happen, and Roger's back watching the glass of the window panes, and Mark's running in the same circles he always has, Roger's please stuck in his ears no matter how he tries to escape it.
#16 - Need
At night, Mark's feet follow the path memorized long ago, to Roger's room, and he hasn't done this in so long, hasn't needed the reassurance in nearly a year, but he's been lying awake in the dark, fingers worrying a hole in the corner of the mattress and now there's a spring sticking out; he stands in Roger's doorway, and it's the only time he forces himself to hold still, as he watches and waits and reassures himself that Roger is still breathing.
#17 - Vision
With the lights on at night, the glass of the windows reflects the loft back to him rather than offering a view of the street below them, but Mark doesn't realize this as Roger watches the reflection of his roommate staring hard at his back whenever he faces the glass, but darting his eyes away whenever Roger turns to say something.
#18 - Attention
"How long are you planning on ignoring this?" Roger asks the dark window and in the reflection, Mark squirms, caught, trying to decide whether or not he should act like he doesn't know exactly what Roger's talking about, so Roger adds, "Don't do that. It's not gonna just go away."
#19 - Soul
If he believed in that sort of thing, he'd call them soul mates, but he's pretty sure the last of his soul has died over the past few years, and there really isn't anything left to offer as his body is slowly catching up.
#20 - Picture
This family portrait has shattered with pieces scattered, too unique to replace, and other bent unrecognizable and unable to return to their place in the frame; Mark and Roger continue posing, all forced smiles and exhausted sighs, wondering exactly for whom are they maintaining the lie.
#21 - Fool
There's nothing to figure out, but if Mark really believed that, he'd be able to say it.
#49 - Hunger
In the back of his mind is the memory of what Roger tastes like, the faint memory of a warm tongue that's kept him up at nights in fear that he might dream of it, of him, of the night that they can't seem to find the words to explain away.
#22 - Mad
What Roger won't say, perhaps doesn't need to, is that this is driving them both crazy, pushing them in ways their beaten-tired lives haven’t faced before, and what Roger won't say is that he's heard Mark sneak into his room these past few nights.
#23 - Child
He remembers playing the game as a child, pretending to be asleep, struggling not to laugh and be caught awake far past bed time; he knows the tricks and each night he breathed deep and steady until Mark's footsteps retreated, another round won.
#24 - Now
Now he is through with games, through with acting like he doesn't know what he does; now will be the end, or the beginning, and he still isn't quite sure which he's hoping for.
#25 - Shadow
Roger turns, sick of speaking to a reflection, exhausted with longing for the Mark that isn't really there, even if it is the only one that seems to long back.
#26 - Goodbye
Roger casts off his fear and trepidation and walks over to where Mark is sitting on the table, and it's like he can feel everything slow down as if even the air senses that their path is about to fork, and whichever road they take they won't be able to go back to their own life.
#27 - Hide
Mark's building up a wall of excuses to hide behind, his eyes downcast as he rambles: we were drunk, nothing really happened anyway, it's not like it means anything.
#28 - Fortune
Roger thinks good or bad, heads or tails, yes or no, life or death; Mark thinks of mushroom clouds and acid rain, two warm hands flat against his stomach and the taste of someone else's cigarette on his tongue.
#29 - Safe
Roger doesn't consider what he's about to say, only speaks because he knows Mark won't: "This is the only family I ever got to choose for myself, you're my last living attachment, and I feel like I'm wasting every second with you concocting this lie that either of us could walk away from the other and survive it."
#30 - Ghost
Standing in front of him, Roger is pale with skin growing tighter over his skeleton with each passing weeks; the meds are not enough, and Mark knows that he is not enough.
#31 - Book
Roger knows every line, every color, every muscle of Mark's face, knows the vein in his forehead that throbs when he's trying not to cry, knows the way his lip curls when he's trying not to laugh, and he knows the way his nostrils flare when he's on the verge of panic.
#32 - Eye
"Will you look at me?" Roger begs, and when Mark finally does, he doesn't know what to say, doesn't know what he is trying to explain, only that he needs Mark to understand.
#33 - Never
The words never get said; if they've gone this long without hearing them that it doesn't even matter, just so long as they both know.
#34 - Sing
Roger has not picked up his guitar since last December, since Mimi; Mark thinks it was a cruel trick to give him his song and take her away again just as quickly: a Christmas her memory won't let them forget.
#35 - Sudden
Mark jumps to his feet, makes for the door--he just needs some fucking time--but Roger catches his arm, holds him in place, and Mark can feel the desperation in Roger's grip, the worry that he'll leave and never come back, the memory of all the others in his life who have done just that.
#36 - Stop
Mark's the last thing Roger's holding onto, and he won't stop fucking moving, so Roger makes him with two hands and two lips and he can feel Mark still beneath his touch.
#37 - Time
"Wait," Mark says, but he doesn't pull away, his lips tripping around Roger's, and Roger doesn't listen because Mark tastes like home, and time is the one thing he can't spare.
#39 - Torn
"Explain to me," Mark says even as his fingers are reaching up, brushing against Roger's face as Roger tries to silence him, "why this is a good idea."
#40 - History
There are years that are at stake here, a shared life, and Mark's not sure either of them will make it if this ends up being their biggest mistake.
#41 - Power
IT doesn't matter if it's a good idea or a mistake; it's too big to stop, Roger now caught in Mark's momentum, Mark too caught up in the why to notice that Roger's steering.
#42 - Bother
They should be talking about this because that's what they do, both capable of analyzing their way out of any situation, but hip to hip neither of them can find the will to bother.
#43 - God
"At least you won't have to wonder anymore," Roger says, and those hands have found their place again on Mark's stomach, skimming across the skin, pushing his shirt up off over his head, "whether or not you're going to hell."
#44 - Wall
"This does sort of seal the deal," Mark agrees, and he's had enough with Roger steering, even if he's minding the direction less and less, especially as those damned curious hands travel lower, so he slides off the table, his knee pressing between Roger's thighs as he pushes him back against the wall.
#45 - Naked
It's not that they haven't seen each other without clothes before--being roommates and all; it's that they've never been allowed to see, and for a moment, things slow, just enough to acquaint themselves with the parts of each other that they haven't had a chance to memorize yet.
#46 - Drive
And then they're speeding, blindfolded down the highway, just hoping that they don't find that tiny bump that will send them spinning to inevitably crash into a tree.
#47 - Harm
A single act: it undoes all the hurts they've ever done to one another; says every "I love you" they've avoided; clears their collective slate rather than adding to the scribbling madness.
#38 - Wash
After, when Mark follows him into the shower, Roger laughs and just remembering what that feels like--and the fact that after all that's just happened, he can still do that--leaves him more refreshed than the hot water.
#48 - Precious
Later, they're wrapping their arms around each other and for the first time in a long time Mark's not holding Roger as if he'll break, and Roger's no longer worrying that he will, feels solid and whole for the first time in years.
#50 - Believe
He finds it strange--but not as strange as perhaps he should--that he had to work so hard with April and Mimi and all the girls before them that hardly compared, but with Mark, even when he's trying not to believe in things like love, he keeps being reminded.
Fandom: Rent
Pairing: Mark/Roger
Rating: R
Notes: Happy birthday, holycitygirl! This is late! I'm tipsy! I stole the idea from 1sentence and I fudged it around a bit hence why it's kind of all one fic, and the numbers get fudged around in places! I'm sure this entry will need editing tomorrow! But you're my internets!bestest!
#01 - Motion
Just keep moving has been Mark's mantra for far too long now, but he can't stop, can't let Roger sink his fingers into him and hold him in place only to end up stuck and still and alone.
#02 - Cool
The leaves are changing, the sun burns through blue sky but can't take the edge off of the crisp air, and Roger's eyes are forever on the window searching for the first signs of a winter he can sink into and cling to as an excuse to not function for three months.
#03 - Young
Happy birthday: the words hang in the air, and he can still feel the kiss Maureen pressed against his temple, the reassurance of Collins's arms around his shoulders, and the brightness of Joanne's smile in the same moment that he feels the absence of the others and the absence he shouldn't already be feeling what with Roger sitting right beside him.
#04 - Last
"No more of this," Mark says, and he pulls Roger by the arm away from the window and out the door and into the night that they've been staring at for ages, unwilling to partake; this is the last day they've wasted in wanting, in waiting for some good to come to them instead of making their own.
#05 - Wrong
He knows the bar is a mistake--too much money, too many familiar faces, too many memories long shoved aside--but Roger's smiling, even if it is a bit forced, and drinking, even if it can only end badly.
#06 - Gentle
Roger's lips soft against his, his fingers ghosting against his skin, even as he's teetering drunk and should be holding on for dear life, is not exactly the bad ending Mark had envisioned.
#07 - One
It's just one night, just one moment, just one second of weakness that Roger's blamed for every mistake in his life; one kiss, and he's turning his life upside down, watching its contents flutter to the floor below.
#08 - Thousand
There are a thousand reasons for Mark to disregard this--this night, this moment, and he's halfway through reciting them in his head when Roger leans in again, and a thousand reasons disappear from his head and are replaced by the taste of Roger's tongue.
#09 - King
For Roger there is no one else, no one beyond the four walls of the loft, just Mark, his last hold on a life that he barely recognizes, just Mark who reminds him daily that that life is worth making the effort to reclaim, just Mark who can't keep still because he's too busy trying to stop everything from falling down all around them.
#10 - Learn
Roger thought he knew everything about Mark especially since they made a vow post-rehab to not keep secrets anymore, but the way his stomach is trembling beneath his fingers is completely new, and beneath Mark's shirt, his palms stretch flat against the flesh, eager pupils.
#11 - Blur
The streets back to the loft flicker through his brain like a film in reverse as they follow their own footsteps in the snow back to their front door; they are pressed shoulder to shoulder against the cold, their fingers already longing for the skin layered beneath coats and sweaters, their legs carrying them towards the privacy of home.
#12 - Wait
The loft is reassuring, the same cold in the air as always, the same smells, the same dripping faucet, and Mark stops, his hands on Roger's chest and wants to know if its worth the risk, worth the inevitable upheaval, worth the everything.
#13 - Change
Roger's eyes are darker than Mark remembers when he chances looking into them, and Roger whispers, "It's all come down to a sick routine of death, grieve, recover, and exist until we lose the next one, and we need to get the fuck out of it before it kills us, too."
#14 - Command
"Please," Roger says, but Mark pulls away because it's too fast, too unexpected, too much something they can screw up in the dark and the drink and the desperation; Roger says, "Please," but Mark, forever in motion, says, "Stop," and walks away.
#15 - Hold
They are holding their breath for weeks, waiting for one of them to break down and acknowledge what happened, what almost happened, and what might still happen, and Roger's back watching the glass of the window panes, and Mark's running in the same circles he always has, Roger's please stuck in his ears no matter how he tries to escape it.
#16 - Need
At night, Mark's feet follow the path memorized long ago, to Roger's room, and he hasn't done this in so long, hasn't needed the reassurance in nearly a year, but he's been lying awake in the dark, fingers worrying a hole in the corner of the mattress and now there's a spring sticking out; he stands in Roger's doorway, and it's the only time he forces himself to hold still, as he watches and waits and reassures himself that Roger is still breathing.
#17 - Vision
With the lights on at night, the glass of the windows reflects the loft back to him rather than offering a view of the street below them, but Mark doesn't realize this as Roger watches the reflection of his roommate staring hard at his back whenever he faces the glass, but darting his eyes away whenever Roger turns to say something.
#18 - Attention
"How long are you planning on ignoring this?" Roger asks the dark window and in the reflection, Mark squirms, caught, trying to decide whether or not he should act like he doesn't know exactly what Roger's talking about, so Roger adds, "Don't do that. It's not gonna just go away."
#19 - Soul
If he believed in that sort of thing, he'd call them soul mates, but he's pretty sure the last of his soul has died over the past few years, and there really isn't anything left to offer as his body is slowly catching up.
#20 - Picture
This family portrait has shattered with pieces scattered, too unique to replace, and other bent unrecognizable and unable to return to their place in the frame; Mark and Roger continue posing, all forced smiles and exhausted sighs, wondering exactly for whom are they maintaining the lie.
#21 - Fool
There's nothing to figure out, but if Mark really believed that, he'd be able to say it.
#49 - Hunger
In the back of his mind is the memory of what Roger tastes like, the faint memory of a warm tongue that's kept him up at nights in fear that he might dream of it, of him, of the night that they can't seem to find the words to explain away.
#22 - Mad
What Roger won't say, perhaps doesn't need to, is that this is driving them both crazy, pushing them in ways their beaten-tired lives haven’t faced before, and what Roger won't say is that he's heard Mark sneak into his room these past few nights.
#23 - Child
He remembers playing the game as a child, pretending to be asleep, struggling not to laugh and be caught awake far past bed time; he knows the tricks and each night he breathed deep and steady until Mark's footsteps retreated, another round won.
#24 - Now
Now he is through with games, through with acting like he doesn't know what he does; now will be the end, or the beginning, and he still isn't quite sure which he's hoping for.
#25 - Shadow
Roger turns, sick of speaking to a reflection, exhausted with longing for the Mark that isn't really there, even if it is the only one that seems to long back.
#26 - Goodbye
Roger casts off his fear and trepidation and walks over to where Mark is sitting on the table, and it's like he can feel everything slow down as if even the air senses that their path is about to fork, and whichever road they take they won't be able to go back to their own life.
#27 - Hide
Mark's building up a wall of excuses to hide behind, his eyes downcast as he rambles: we were drunk, nothing really happened anyway, it's not like it means anything.
#28 - Fortune
Roger thinks good or bad, heads or tails, yes or no, life or death; Mark thinks of mushroom clouds and acid rain, two warm hands flat against his stomach and the taste of someone else's cigarette on his tongue.
#29 - Safe
Roger doesn't consider what he's about to say, only speaks because he knows Mark won't: "This is the only family I ever got to choose for myself, you're my last living attachment, and I feel like I'm wasting every second with you concocting this lie that either of us could walk away from the other and survive it."
#30 - Ghost
Standing in front of him, Roger is pale with skin growing tighter over his skeleton with each passing weeks; the meds are not enough, and Mark knows that he is not enough.
#31 - Book
Roger knows every line, every color, every muscle of Mark's face, knows the vein in his forehead that throbs when he's trying not to cry, knows the way his lip curls when he's trying not to laugh, and he knows the way his nostrils flare when he's on the verge of panic.
#32 - Eye
"Will you look at me?" Roger begs, and when Mark finally does, he doesn't know what to say, doesn't know what he is trying to explain, only that he needs Mark to understand.
#33 - Never
The words never get said; if they've gone this long without hearing them that it doesn't even matter, just so long as they both know.
#34 - Sing
Roger has not picked up his guitar since last December, since Mimi; Mark thinks it was a cruel trick to give him his song and take her away again just as quickly: a Christmas her memory won't let them forget.
#35 - Sudden
Mark jumps to his feet, makes for the door--he just needs some fucking time--but Roger catches his arm, holds him in place, and Mark can feel the desperation in Roger's grip, the worry that he'll leave and never come back, the memory of all the others in his life who have done just that.
#36 - Stop
Mark's the last thing Roger's holding onto, and he won't stop fucking moving, so Roger makes him with two hands and two lips and he can feel Mark still beneath his touch.
#37 - Time
"Wait," Mark says, but he doesn't pull away, his lips tripping around Roger's, and Roger doesn't listen because Mark tastes like home, and time is the one thing he can't spare.
#39 - Torn
"Explain to me," Mark says even as his fingers are reaching up, brushing against Roger's face as Roger tries to silence him, "why this is a good idea."
#40 - History
There are years that are at stake here, a shared life, and Mark's not sure either of them will make it if this ends up being their biggest mistake.
#41 - Power
IT doesn't matter if it's a good idea or a mistake; it's too big to stop, Roger now caught in Mark's momentum, Mark too caught up in the why to notice that Roger's steering.
#42 - Bother
They should be talking about this because that's what they do, both capable of analyzing their way out of any situation, but hip to hip neither of them can find the will to bother.
#43 - God
"At least you won't have to wonder anymore," Roger says, and those hands have found their place again on Mark's stomach, skimming across the skin, pushing his shirt up off over his head, "whether or not you're going to hell."
#44 - Wall
"This does sort of seal the deal," Mark agrees, and he's had enough with Roger steering, even if he's minding the direction less and less, especially as those damned curious hands travel lower, so he slides off the table, his knee pressing between Roger's thighs as he pushes him back against the wall.
#45 - Naked
It's not that they haven't seen each other without clothes before--being roommates and all; it's that they've never been allowed to see, and for a moment, things slow, just enough to acquaint themselves with the parts of each other that they haven't had a chance to memorize yet.
#46 - Drive
And then they're speeding, blindfolded down the highway, just hoping that they don't find that tiny bump that will send them spinning to inevitably crash into a tree.
#47 - Harm
A single act: it undoes all the hurts they've ever done to one another; says every "I love you" they've avoided; clears their collective slate rather than adding to the scribbling madness.
#38 - Wash
After, when Mark follows him into the shower, Roger laughs and just remembering what that feels like--and the fact that after all that's just happened, he can still do that--leaves him more refreshed than the hot water.
#48 - Precious
Later, they're wrapping their arms around each other and for the first time in a long time Mark's not holding Roger as if he'll break, and Roger's no longer worrying that he will, feels solid and whole for the first time in years.
#50 - Believe
He finds it strange--but not as strange as perhaps he should--that he had to work so hard with April and Mimi and all the girls before them that hardly compared, but with Mark, even when he's trying not to believe in things like love, he keeps being reminded.