(no subject)
Why do people feel the need to fucking bother me? What did I do to them, I was minding my own buidness eating my on emeal of the day (that I force myself to eat) jsut sitting their minding my own busness when I glance up just in time to watch ome kid shoot a BIG RUBBER BAND AT ME ADN LANDS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY PLATE ON TOP OF MY FOOD. Why did he have to do that? I did not do anything to them, why did he have to reach out and be an ass. Of coarse I could not let that stand he messed with my food and ruined my one meal of the day. I hate when people mess with my food. So while him and his buddy were sitting their snickering I stood up walked over there asked him if he was going to eat that-pointing to the food on his plate. he said yes, I poored my soda all over his food and started to walk away when he stood up adn grabbed my arm, I turned around and pushed him just to get him to let go adn I guess it was harder than I thought cause he sort fell backwards onto the table and then fell to the floor. Needless to say I made a hastey retreat out of there. None of that needed to happen, he did not have to ruin my dinner, and I wouldnt have ruined his, he could have let it stand there but no he wanted to start a fight over it. Why? Why did he have to do that? I had never even seen the kid before, Why do people have to be such asses. Just there was no reason for that, I dotn understand why he did that, did he think it would be funny?
Maybe I did over react a little...
You know though this is the second time something liek this has happened since I have been here, I was attacked in my dorm ,the kid just bumped into me pushed me out of the way "i said excuse you" and he took a swing at me, I ducked and then proceeded to deck him between the eyes. The RA saw that though and it was total self defence.
Anyways I have just been having a rough time latly. Attempting to quit SI, its been about a week since I last you know what. I am on Wellbutrin right now, and Im not too sure it is the right stuff forr me though, but we will get that figured out. I have a pretty good councellor.
Still been pretty down adn havnt been sleeping well. Been a rough few weeks for me.
I had more to say but Im just sort of at a los of words riight now.
Then I have the RA of my hall adn the RD bugging me, my roomate who is jsut always here, which coem to find out was arrange by the health center, go figure. I haev people harassing me online, and well nights liek theese just are hard to make it through alive, let alone cut free.
I have not slept in two days and all together the past 4 days I have gotten a grand total of 6 hours of sleep.
I had a bug test today that I studied my ass off for it all last week adn this past weekedn and might have failed it anyways.
I am getting the flue
Not sure why but my paretns arnt talking to me
The gashes on my leg are infected.
Me ranting about what really pisses me off, if you want to know feel free to read on......
*Extreme ranting, just personal beliefs and thoughts.*
Subject 1 religion
You know I found the one thing that can irritate me the utter most, that can instantly jsut piss me off and frazzle my nerves. I know that this would not please my family and a bunch of people. It is religion, the belief in god adn the enforcement of that belief on others. Any "good christian" is told to spread the wonderful news that god is great and will heal all. Its liek one big freeking cult. Gah. Some random gal asked me to pray for her and pray for god to give her the strenght to quit. Its a fucking excuse, thats all it is, an excuse not to get better or to wait, "god works in mysterious ways" or "he is not ready to forgive me yet" or blah blah blah. ITs passsing the blame off of yourself onto somehting else, in this case something that may not be real. Every single one of us has the strength and knowledge to stop what we are doing, sto stop SI on our own will, if you are not willing to find that then well fine. I know that I can quit, I have known it all along but I never wanted to. It is not easy by far adn I am still struggling still wanting too, but I can and will do this because I know I have the strength,
Ok everyone has the right to believe in what they want to believe, and I would never try adn convince anyone else on what I believe, that there is no god. But I expect the same from everyone else. I do not want religion pressed upon me. There was a lady that I talk to for a great while before I went to alaska I talked to her often adn I enjoyed our conversation except for the fact that she was a religious wacko, when we wernt on the topic of religion it was fine, but she would try to press me adn push me and harass me into going to church, forcing her beliefs on me, we do not talk anymore, she wants nothing to do with me. I finnally had to tell her, explain to her how I really think.
Why do I hate christianity so? To tell you the truth I am not totally sure, just it sends a shiver down my spine everytime I hear it. Mayeb because it was forced on me as a child, mayeb when I was old enough I prayed and prayed adn none of them were answered, only one prayer every night, "god, please make them stop harassing and teasing me" and after soemthing happened when I was ten there was even a prayer "god please forgive her for what she has done" but nothing no signs, adn then I changed, I realised that I was just looking for answers in all the wrong places, that there were no answers from him, well because god is not real, I began to understand more and more as my life just got worse and worse, that there is no higher being lookign out for us. That there is nothing waiting for us after death. There is no comfort for me anymore in a "house of god". There hasnt been in years, many years now. There was no stop to the harassment, things just got worse. My life jsut got worse. Where was god when I got sexually abused at age 10, where was god when I tried to kill myself at age 10, where was god when I first cut myself, where was god day after day for years upon years of relentless harassment, where was god when my friend killed himself? Where was he? Nowhere cause he is not real. Christianity is jsut a crutch for peopel when they are afraid of death and what happens afterwards. I for one hope that there is nothing after death, that I just cease to excist, or at leaste I can be at peace.
Dont get me rwrong though, I will not say a single word about this to anyone else, I keep it inside of me adn listen to people go on about how god is so great, I jsut smile adn nod and let them continue. Everyoen has the freedom to think feel adn act the way they want to. I know how I feel adn think about the subject, but do not adn never will feel the need to tell others about how I feel adn what I think.
On to subject 2. Just the days events,
I might be having a allergic reaction to Wellbutrin, Im all itchy adn have some hives all over me. Im going in monday to get it checked out. I havnt changed deoderant or shampoo or laundry detergant or anythign like that either. I have just felt real weir dand out of it the past two days and if it happens again tomorrow I am going to deffinatly say it is due to the med.
I haev been offering my help to a lot of peopel and try to hint for them to come join this forum ,peopel that I think would be valuable members here. But I haev been listening to them, trying to help them out, you would not believe how helpfull it is for some just to be here for them, although most of them only want to talk about themselves and not me but that is ok, I just want to help others through rough times, listening to them I get to learn about how other people view things adn get a distraction from my own problems, I like to learn and observe from peopel so I just absorb all their views and try to understand them adn try to see life through their eyes. So more and more peopel are jsut talking to me latly adn soemtimes that is a little to much, so I have to try and limit that cause I can onyl talk to a few peopel at once otherwise I start to get edgy and nervous adn that isnt good. I just truely want to help people.
Haha, i almost got kicked off of Psyke.org today, lol oh well. That place is pretty pathetic anyways. Its full of whiney bitchy 15 year olds who are cynical adn suspective of anyoen that is trying to get better or has anythign positive to say, they are absolutly miserable adn try to keep everyone that way. They are the ones that keep themselves down, they feed their own issues with welcome support from the other members. It is sad I feel bad for them but seriously post like This are just sad.
There is so much going through my head right now and Ive had jsut a bad day so mayeb ill addd more here later.
On to subject 3
It pisses me off to no extent about my since of smell. My family knows I cant smell they know that yet whenever I am home it is, smell this or smell that, or phew did you just smell that? Well what the fuck, do they think Ive been lieing all along and can really smell? Do they forget that FUCKINg easily? Seriously it pisses me off. Pisses me off as much as the religion thing or peopel making fun of SI. It just really really pisses me off and they know that. It is liek someone making fun of you for soemthing you have absilutly no control over. It is horrid it really is really really really makes me feel hurt adn down, that they can forget about soemthing like that so easily.
Subject 4
Money, Dont care that I dont have any, it is just that it irritates me that my family thought that I had some when they knew very well I spent it all on college.
Yuo know they had my hopes all up and everythign before I can home, if we get enough aid for this semester between the insurance adn the money you earned you should be able to get corrective eye surgery. You have no clue how excited I was, I mean without my glasses I could probably be declared legally blind. But no, they didnt fill out anyhting to get financial aid like they promised me they were going to. So no, now I cant get the corrective surgery adn am really let down. Nope dont have enought o even get my truck fixed, my truck very well may not make it home, the torch converter is going to die again and then the tranny cant kick in. The oil pressure is dangerously low, there is a bad squeeck in the rear end of my truck, I think the berrings are shot in one of the tires, I put a little into it to get it on the road when I got home and now it needs more, but I dont have any money to put into it.
Well that is enough for now, Im sure I haev bored you all so ill end it there, but I haev lots more too.