Warning! This is a self rant! (Don't even bother reading if you think you'll get annoyed by rants.)
My anxiety and depression bubble has finally exploded today.
And now a good portion of everything bothering is going to come pouring out in this journal.
What did it?
Was it because my dad burst into my fucking apartment this morning to promptly scream at my fiance and me about us lying over NOTHING? Was it the fact that I apply to a job I am fully qualified and have more then 5+ years experience in, and I DON'T EVEN GET A FUCKING EMAIL?! Was it that I have actually applied to over 40 jobs in last month in a half and the only thing bothering to email at all is a fucking scam job?
I just don't get it, at all. I have almost completely lost my confidence in myself. I feel like I am getting no where suddenly. I am stuck in this spot. I feel pathetic, and useless. I mean, I even had to use part of my college fund just to pay a fucking bill. What's college right? A degree? HA. Classes for photography, writing, English, language, fashion? Please.
I haven't felt this horrible about myself since like..idk..early high school years?
I mean, I can't even get a fucking job, that I have 5+ years experience in, fully qualified, at a CALL CENTER, one that actually I have DONE TROUBLESHOOTING FOR before and KNOW HOW TO DO, but everyone else I know who has gotten calls or works there (which is about, idk, 5 or 6 now), either had little experience, or never ever ever had experience in it at all or were even qualified for it!! Or even had a job before!! They all get calls!! I mean the place freaking trains you!! What's this mean about me? Am I stupid and I don't know it? I been to college before, I took tons of classes. I didn't get my degree because I didn't have money to continue. I don't think I am stupid, I mean I advanced in the job career far above any of my friends (a sourcer for high end recruiters, most don't get that till years later), but now I can't get a fucking job in a god damn call center that I fucking qualify the fucking daylights out of. I heard this company has discrimination issues against people who use to work at Stream call center (my old work), and has been slightly proven by the fact I know only 3 people who DID qualify and have experience, and were from Stream, that manage to get this place. And guess what? They were all managers. Everyone else they just blow right off as soon as they see the word it seems. But I really really actually wanted this job, seriously. And it's weird cause I am happy for all my friends so far who keep telling me they got call backs for interviews at that place, but then at the same time I feel miserable because.. wheres mine? I'm am more then qualified, I know what to do, I have the experience, wheres mine? And it's not even this job, it's all jobs!! I have applied to so many that I am qualified for, so many that I KNOW I can do or even do great in!! And NOTHING. Not a call back, not even a email saying they filled the position, or their not interested.. and like I said, this is way over 40 jobs by now..
My confidence being shot left and right.
Then just..applying!! I am not just applying for myself, but my fiance as well since he's computer illiterate!! And this morning my dad comes over to give me a letter that was FOR SOME REASON sent to his house, about having some old 401K plan close and they want to send me a check, great right? Well the whole time he's here my dad just bitched about how I am really searching for a job, how I am not trying, how I will lose my apartment, and how I will have no where to go soon. Basically almost like saying I am failing, which thanks, I got that lately. Then he starts bitching about how we had to take some money out of my college fund for the electricity bill, which wasn't $89 like we said, it was $150, but this was because they had already added the next months bill to it, but nooo, apparently somehow he got from the people at the place that we were 3 months late, which is bullshit because last month we checked out balance, and it was ZERO, until this months fee came in. Either way, he thinks were lying when we tell him it's not, and suddenly things go crazy, he starts screaming and wakes up my room-mate, freaking starts yelling at my fiance, before storming out when I told him he had to go. AND THIS ISN'T EVEN THE WHOLE STORY.
Basically spent the whole day with all my stress leaking out in the form of tears and headaches. My room-mate and fiance have been trying to make me smile, but I just sit here and get this sick feeling inside on and off, like I will puke. I have no appetite. I have not eaten one thing and all I have had was a little coffee..
I just feel lost today. I feel like giving up. Like it's just done. I am just done.. I feel pathetic, like a failure, and stupid.
Yeah, I know this is the "oh your just being selfish, stop your self pitying" journal rant, post. But know what..fucking deal with it. It's my feelings right now, my stress..
I am trying so hard to look on the bright side. I have applied to the call center again, so cross fingers that maybe this time it will happen, I don't give a shit if it's single. I also applied to lots of other places so yeah.. And hopefully that 401K check they send will be able to pay for some bills.
And things will get better very soon..right? right.
"Once upon another time
Before I knew which life was mine
Before I left the child behind, be
I saw myself in summer nights
And stars that up like candle lights
I make my wish but mostly, I believed" -Sara Bareilles
Hope everyone is having a nice and safe day/night.