(no subject)
Yes we are.
This is exactly what we're made for.
It seems that the majority of last night was spent in Kayla's car. She chauffeured Justin around Louisville and I was along for the ride, which I didn't mind. I love to ride in the car at night and listen to good music. Seems to strike up a good amount of emotion though, (which again I don't mind.)
I feel sorry for them sometimes. He seems to always want to teach her lessons and make points. She's not four.
As I was sitting in the car waiting for Round 43 to cease, Weezer came on the radio and I suddenly noticed the smell of the Warm Vanilla Sugar lotion I was wearing that Kris bought me for Christmas. That made me think of the other things I could have been doing at that moment besides sitting at 18th & I-don't-even-know.
We ended up at Christin's twice, which was fine. In comparison to our other stops of the night, I was most entertained there.
Back in school they never taught us what we needed to know,
like how to deal with despair,
or someone breaking your heart.
For twelve year I've held it all together,
but a night like this is begging to pull me apart.
I played it quiet, left you deep in conversation.
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen.
I remember I kept thinking that I know you never would,
and now I know I want to kill you like only a best friend could.
Everyone's caught on to everything you do.
As if this happening wasn't enough,
I had to go and write a song just to remind myself how bad it sucked.
Ignore the sun, the cover's over my head.
I wrote a message on my pillow that says,
"Jesse, stay asleep in bed."
So don't apologize,
I hope you choke and die.
Search your cell for something with which to hang yourself.
They say you need to pray ifyou want to go to heaven,
but they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell.
Everyone's caught on to everything you do.
(And I can't let you let me down again.)
So, is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.
'Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish;
I've seen more guts in eleven-year-old kids.
Have another drink and drive yourself home.
I hope there's ice on all the roads.
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt,
and again when you head goes through the windshield.
And is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back.
So let's end this call,
and end this conversation.
And is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.
'Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say best friends means friends forever.
One week until classes start again.
I'm torn with this. Half of me is excited. New classes. New people. New year. New start. But the other half is dreading it. I want to do better this semester. My uncle said that if I made a 3.0 he would give me $50. Hah. You would think that keeping the scholarship would be enough initiative to do well.
I am looking forward to the Summer class that Ashley and I are taking together, though.
Speaking of Ashley, for Christmas she gathered all of my squares and binded them into a book. And I cried because it was such a meaningful gift.
Ashley + Josh = adorable.
I love hanging out with those two. We tear up the bingo halls. One day we'll win.
Sometimes I can be so dumb.
My emotions take over, and I say how I feel. That usually hurts situations more than it helps them. I should know this by now. Not everything can turn into a fairytale. I live for those moments, though.
And I knew your heart I couldn't win.
'Cause the seasons change was a conduit.
And we left our love in our summer skin.
Looking at Christmas lights was never as exciting as when I was with you. That seat seemed a mile wide, but your laughter brought you back home.
Boy Meets Boy is amazing.
[Kyle's face flushes. "I hate that word," he tells me, slumping back in his chair. "It makes it sound like I'm divided."
"When really you're doubled?"
"Right-O."
I smile. It's been a long time since I've heard a Right-O.]
Enough said.
This book is full of little moments of greatness like that.
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And you know what?
I LOVE OPRAH.
My mom and I are watching the dvd set she got for Christmas.
I've laughed. I've cried.
She really is a great person. Or seems to be by what the television projects.
I am thinking about another job.
Maybe it would make me feel better about myself.
I'm sick of everyone making me feel like I don't have a "real job." It makes me feel like I'm a lazy bum that doesn't do anything.
I'm sick of not having my liscense, and not being able to do things for myself. I'm almost nineteen, I should have that freedom.
So this year, that is what I am going to do.
I'm going to try my best to become a better Amanda. I need to grow into myself. I feel like I live for other people. I should live for myself, too.
The other day I was thinking about school. Why do I not take advantage of this? I have been given the opportunity to go to college for FREE, and here I am slacking off. Not anymore. I am going to take it for everything I can.
"I am going to be the nebula!"
I want to read more. I want to learn more. I have all of these resources around me that I do not use. I want to discover what I believe in. I want to be confident in my opinions. I want to be self-sufficient. I want to be free.
I want to make the best of situations.
I want to make the best of my ability. I need not to judge myself constantly. I need to realize my good qualities that I have to offer.
I want to experience those wonderful moments that I cannot explain in words.
I want to love.
I want to mend wounds, and relationships.
I want to move on.
I want to feel real.
I am so excited for 2006.