Challenge #4 - Entry 1
Title: Goodbye and Hello
Pairing: HanChul
Rating: PG-13
Summary: How do you say Hello after you said your final Goodbye?
Song(s) used for inspiration: Maxence Cyrin - No Cars Go (Arcade Fire cover)
“I used to be someone, you know? I used to be Heechul.”
He paused and lifted his head towards the wide stretched sky above him, cold stars glancing down on him, mockingly shining. Heechul let out a deep sigh and spoke, with his gaze was still attached to the dark above him.
“But then you left.” His voice wasn’t sad; it was empty, blank, emotionless.
“I didn’t really leave, Heechul. I just didn’t want to be a slave of that company anymore. You said you understand.”
Hankyung looked at his friend, his face aged with the years, but he didn’t loose his beauty he had back then. He hasn’t met Heechul for quite some time now, and they have both changed, but something in Heechul’s eyes told him that something important was missing. And he wanted to get it back, for Heechul, for himself, and their friendship.
“I understood, but that was never the question, Hangeng.” Suddenly Heechul used Hankyung’s Chinese name and it hurt more than Hankyung thought it would.
The silence that followed was cold, it lacked that comfortable mutual understanding they had back then.
Heechul listened to the music playing in one of the apartments nearby, a soft piano piece, calm and sad.
“I’m not sad.” Only a whisper and more spoken to himself than to his Chinese friend, but Hankyung heard it and smiled. He waited until Heechul looked away from the sky, until Heechul's tired eyes were staring into his own.
“I’m sorry.”
“You apologize too much; you did it often enough already.” Nothing would change the past, not any more apologies and not a thing Hankyung could do. They both knew, but while Heechul had already come to terms with it, Hankyung still searched for a solution, something that would make it better. The fact was, there was no such a thing and he had to realize it.
“Why are you here again?” Now Heechul decided to give Hankyung his full attention for the first time since he came to visit and leaned closer to him, trying to read his face.
“I wanted to see you. I was worried since everyone is telling me…” Here he hesitated and before he could continue, Heechul snapped.
“Telling you what? That I’m an old crippled man? That I was unable to do my serve because of that stupid leg? That I can’t dance anymore because of it and that I lose most of my entertainment jobs?” He snorted and then laughed, bitter and now suddenly sad.
“I don’t need your pity, Hangeng. Go back to your career, your country, your home. I don’t need anyone here. Just… leave me alone.”
Hankyung eyed him carefully before he took his hands in his own, holding them tight although Heechul didn’t even try to get away.
“Leave you alone? Like all the others?” His voice was small and quiet, but it contained everything Heechul felt and he was reminded of the time when Super Junior still existed and when he didn’t even need to say anything to let Hankyung know how he felt. Hankyung just knew how he felt and did everything to make it better and it helped. He was the right person, all along. Hankyung was the right person, and then he left and shattered Heechul’s heart.
With the memories running through his head Heechul noticed that they were still holding hands, and he yanked his away.
“Who are you to talk about leaving?! You were the first, the very first person who left me!! So don’t dare to talk like that. How… how do you think I feel, when…?” Heechul broke off and looked away, feeling an uncomfortable sting in his eyes. He didn’t want to ask this, he didn’t want to give Hankyung a reason to worry, to stay and look at him as if Heechul needed his help.
Hankyung watched Heechul close to him and didn’t want anything more than pulling him into his arms and holding him. He wanted to hold him and make everything better, make everything okay again. But he knew that he couldn’t do this, he was the one who screwed up and he had to live with the consequences.
The Chinese took a deep breath and stood up, almost following his impulse and drawing Heechul in his arms.
However he only tried to look into Heechul’s eyes and said in all honesty: “I left, but I never left you, Heechul. I left the company, I left Super Junior and I even left Korea. But I never even once thought about leaving you.”
“But you did.” This time Heechul sounded helpless, desperate even and still there was resignation in his voice. He accepted it. He had a hard time doing that because he needed to open himself more to his other friends and though he was thankful for that in the end, it didn’t mean that he approved of Hankyung’s decision. He never did.
“Heechul, please.” Hankyung didn’t know what he wanted to say or plea for, but this wasn’t what he planned when he made that decision years ago. He never wanted to hurt Heechul and make him feel like that.
Heechul looked up and waited for more, for something that made him whole again, for anything that helped him to be himself again. He had lived through the pain, he had lived through that time with the help of his friends, but now everyone had left. They all went to the army and elsewhere, and left him here, alone.
“You really chose the right time to come back and try again.” Hankyung noticed the tired tone in Heechul’s voice when Heechul said that and the Chinese knew that at least he had achieved something; at least Heechul was beside him and listening, not chasing him away like so many times before.
“Let’s go to sleep.” Heechul’s voice saying these words sounded so familiar.
It reminded Hankyung of the old days, when they would fall asleep on the couch together, snuggling each other and their long limbs tangled and intertwined. Heechul had always been the first one to say that, since Hankyung had never wanted to disturb the moment or to loose that feeling he would have when Heechul lay so close to him.
The moment Heechul broke off the physical contact, Hankyung would always feel lost and cold, all over again. He never got this warmth back, not after he left SME and Super Junior.
All the bodies he had snuggled up to during that time are never the same anymore. They didn’t leave that feeling and that warmth in him that had made him feel special.
He tried to contact Heechul after the first lawsuit was over and he had more free time, but whenever he actually got the other on the phone, Heechul just threw insults at him and hung up. The other members were always there, some more, others less, but they didn’t leave him hanging in the air like Heechul. It hurt, but Hankyung couldn’t do much. He had made his decision and he had to live with it.
Even after months he never got to talk to Heechul properly, and never got close enough to talk to him face to face. The other members gave up on helping him with that after a while, but he never loose hope.
Let’s go to sleep.
Heechul had to smile at Hankyung’s face when he heard those same words. Of course he was reminded of their time back then when he said those words, too, but he didn’t show, letting it slip just like that.
Hankyung followed him into the apartment and out of an old habit, looked out for the cats. Heebum blinked at them sleepy from his place on the couch while, he was guessing, Baengshin must be lying on the bed in the bedroom.
“Don’t stand there. Here, get that and go to the bathroom. It’s there.” Heechul threw one of his oversized, ugly shirts at him and then pointed in the direction of the bathroom. Hankyung only made a face, feeling almost at home again already.
When he came out of the bathroom, Heechul stood in the bedroom door frame and waited for him, without a smile or anything, not even a witty comment about the shirt he was wearing. Hankyung wanted to make his way to the living room, when Heechul took his hand and tugged him into the bedroom. He was right, Baengshin was lying on the bed.
He didn’t dare to question Heechul’s decision and just got under the blanket with him after Heechul moved the cat to the other end of the bed. They laid a moment like that, a few inches between them and looking at the ceiling.
“Good night, Hangeng.” Hankyung missed the soft tone in which Heechul used to say his Korean name and didn’t even reply this time. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, although he knew he wouldn’t get that much sleep this night at all with Heechul lying right next to him, under the same blanket.
Heechul turned around and looked at his friend, lying uptight and with a frown next to him, in his own bed.
He waited a while longer, although he knew Hankyung wouldn’t fall asleep any time soon. Then Heechul moved closer, until he could feel the warmth radiating from the body next to his, but still far enough to not touch him directly.
“I missed you. All the time.”
The whisper was almost inaudible but Heechul still heard it and he smiled, secretly and immediately stopped when Hankyung opened his eyes to look at him.
“I know.” Heechul sighed and reached out to touch Hankyung’s face. His fingers ghosted over the skin before he let them fall on Hankyung’s chest.
“Are you still mad at me, Heechul?”
There was a pause and Heechul seemed to think about his answer but he actually knew it already, he knew it the moment Hankyung appeared at his door and asked to talk with him.
“I’m not mad. I’m just… hurt. You hurt me, Hangeng. And I can’t trust you so easily anymore. I can’t trust you with my heart anymore.”
Now his smile was clearly sad and he tried to hide it behind his hand covering his face.
“I understand.” Hankyung laid his hand on Heechul’s covering his face and moved a bit closer until their whole bodies touched.
“Let’s sleep then.” He felt Heechul nodding under their hands more than he saw it and with a careful move he slipped his arm around Heechul’s still skinny body, pulling him closer.
“You’re still freezing easily at night, right? I will warm you then.” Heechul didn’t protest, but it took him a few moments to get used to that feeling all over again and still then he only snuggled his nose into Hankyung’s side. Secretly he breathed in the scent of his friend and a small, not sad but honest, smile formed on his lips when he noticed that he still smelled the same.
“Make me your Beijing fried rice tomorrow.” Hankyung had to smile at such familiar words and even the voice in which they were said sounded familiar to the one Heechul used years ago to him.
“I will, Heechul. Sleep now.”
Heechul didn’t answer anymore and Hankyung didn’t see the single tear rolling down his friend’s face and landing on Hankyung’s shirt, but he could feel the pressure of Heechul’s face into his chest and with a smile he closed his eyes, still believing that he wouldn’t get much sleep.
The next moment they were both fast asleep, not smiling but their faces so relaxed, the way they weren’t years ago.
Pairing: HanChul
Rating: PG-13
Summary: How do you say Hello after you said your final Goodbye?
Song(s) used for inspiration: Maxence Cyrin - No Cars Go (Arcade Fire cover)
“I used to be someone, you know? I used to be Heechul.”
He paused and lifted his head towards the wide stretched sky above him, cold stars glancing down on him, mockingly shining. Heechul let out a deep sigh and spoke, with his gaze was still attached to the dark above him.
“But then you left.” His voice wasn’t sad; it was empty, blank, emotionless.
“I didn’t really leave, Heechul. I just didn’t want to be a slave of that company anymore. You said you understand.”
Hankyung looked at his friend, his face aged with the years, but he didn’t loose his beauty he had back then. He hasn’t met Heechul for quite some time now, and they have both changed, but something in Heechul’s eyes told him that something important was missing. And he wanted to get it back, for Heechul, for himself, and their friendship.
“I understood, but that was never the question, Hangeng.” Suddenly Heechul used Hankyung’s Chinese name and it hurt more than Hankyung thought it would.
The silence that followed was cold, it lacked that comfortable mutual understanding they had back then.
Heechul listened to the music playing in one of the apartments nearby, a soft piano piece, calm and sad.
“I’m not sad.” Only a whisper and more spoken to himself than to his Chinese friend, but Hankyung heard it and smiled. He waited until Heechul looked away from the sky, until Heechul's tired eyes were staring into his own.
“I’m sorry.”
“You apologize too much; you did it often enough already.” Nothing would change the past, not any more apologies and not a thing Hankyung could do. They both knew, but while Heechul had already come to terms with it, Hankyung still searched for a solution, something that would make it better. The fact was, there was no such a thing and he had to realize it.
“Why are you here again?” Now Heechul decided to give Hankyung his full attention for the first time since he came to visit and leaned closer to him, trying to read his face.
“I wanted to see you. I was worried since everyone is telling me…” Here he hesitated and before he could continue, Heechul snapped.
“Telling you what? That I’m an old crippled man? That I was unable to do my serve because of that stupid leg? That I can’t dance anymore because of it and that I lose most of my entertainment jobs?” He snorted and then laughed, bitter and now suddenly sad.
“I don’t need your pity, Hangeng. Go back to your career, your country, your home. I don’t need anyone here. Just… leave me alone.”
Hankyung eyed him carefully before he took his hands in his own, holding them tight although Heechul didn’t even try to get away.
“Leave you alone? Like all the others?” His voice was small and quiet, but it contained everything Heechul felt and he was reminded of the time when Super Junior still existed and when he didn’t even need to say anything to let Hankyung know how he felt. Hankyung just knew how he felt and did everything to make it better and it helped. He was the right person, all along. Hankyung was the right person, and then he left and shattered Heechul’s heart.
With the memories running through his head Heechul noticed that they were still holding hands, and he yanked his away.
“Who are you to talk about leaving?! You were the first, the very first person who left me!! So don’t dare to talk like that. How… how do you think I feel, when…?” Heechul broke off and looked away, feeling an uncomfortable sting in his eyes. He didn’t want to ask this, he didn’t want to give Hankyung a reason to worry, to stay and look at him as if Heechul needed his help.
Hankyung watched Heechul close to him and didn’t want anything more than pulling him into his arms and holding him. He wanted to hold him and make everything better, make everything okay again. But he knew that he couldn’t do this, he was the one who screwed up and he had to live with the consequences.
The Chinese took a deep breath and stood up, almost following his impulse and drawing Heechul in his arms.
However he only tried to look into Heechul’s eyes and said in all honesty: “I left, but I never left you, Heechul. I left the company, I left Super Junior and I even left Korea. But I never even once thought about leaving you.”
“But you did.” This time Heechul sounded helpless, desperate even and still there was resignation in his voice. He accepted it. He had a hard time doing that because he needed to open himself more to his other friends and though he was thankful for that in the end, it didn’t mean that he approved of Hankyung’s decision. He never did.
“Heechul, please.” Hankyung didn’t know what he wanted to say or plea for, but this wasn’t what he planned when he made that decision years ago. He never wanted to hurt Heechul and make him feel like that.
Heechul looked up and waited for more, for something that made him whole again, for anything that helped him to be himself again. He had lived through the pain, he had lived through that time with the help of his friends, but now everyone had left. They all went to the army and elsewhere, and left him here, alone.
“You really chose the right time to come back and try again.” Hankyung noticed the tired tone in Heechul’s voice when Heechul said that and the Chinese knew that at least he had achieved something; at least Heechul was beside him and listening, not chasing him away like so many times before.
“Let’s go to sleep.” Heechul’s voice saying these words sounded so familiar.
It reminded Hankyung of the old days, when they would fall asleep on the couch together, snuggling each other and their long limbs tangled and intertwined. Heechul had always been the first one to say that, since Hankyung had never wanted to disturb the moment or to loose that feeling he would have when Heechul lay so close to him.
The moment Heechul broke off the physical contact, Hankyung would always feel lost and cold, all over again. He never got this warmth back, not after he left SME and Super Junior.
All the bodies he had snuggled up to during that time are never the same anymore. They didn’t leave that feeling and that warmth in him that had made him feel special.
He tried to contact Heechul after the first lawsuit was over and he had more free time, but whenever he actually got the other on the phone, Heechul just threw insults at him and hung up. The other members were always there, some more, others less, but they didn’t leave him hanging in the air like Heechul. It hurt, but Hankyung couldn’t do much. He had made his decision and he had to live with it.
Even after months he never got to talk to Heechul properly, and never got close enough to talk to him face to face. The other members gave up on helping him with that after a while, but he never loose hope.
Let’s go to sleep.
Heechul had to smile at Hankyung’s face when he heard those same words. Of course he was reminded of their time back then when he said those words, too, but he didn’t show, letting it slip just like that.
Hankyung followed him into the apartment and out of an old habit, looked out for the cats. Heebum blinked at them sleepy from his place on the couch while, he was guessing, Baengshin must be lying on the bed in the bedroom.
“Don’t stand there. Here, get that and go to the bathroom. It’s there.” Heechul threw one of his oversized, ugly shirts at him and then pointed in the direction of the bathroom. Hankyung only made a face, feeling almost at home again already.
When he came out of the bathroom, Heechul stood in the bedroom door frame and waited for him, without a smile or anything, not even a witty comment about the shirt he was wearing. Hankyung wanted to make his way to the living room, when Heechul took his hand and tugged him into the bedroom. He was right, Baengshin was lying on the bed.
He didn’t dare to question Heechul’s decision and just got under the blanket with him after Heechul moved the cat to the other end of the bed. They laid a moment like that, a few inches between them and looking at the ceiling.
“Good night, Hangeng.” Hankyung missed the soft tone in which Heechul used to say his Korean name and didn’t even reply this time. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep, although he knew he wouldn’t get that much sleep this night at all with Heechul lying right next to him, under the same blanket.
Heechul turned around and looked at his friend, lying uptight and with a frown next to him, in his own bed.
He waited a while longer, although he knew Hankyung wouldn’t fall asleep any time soon. Then Heechul moved closer, until he could feel the warmth radiating from the body next to his, but still far enough to not touch him directly.
“I missed you. All the time.”
The whisper was almost inaudible but Heechul still heard it and he smiled, secretly and immediately stopped when Hankyung opened his eyes to look at him.
“I know.” Heechul sighed and reached out to touch Hankyung’s face. His fingers ghosted over the skin before he let them fall on Hankyung’s chest.
“Are you still mad at me, Heechul?”
There was a pause and Heechul seemed to think about his answer but he actually knew it already, he knew it the moment Hankyung appeared at his door and asked to talk with him.
“I’m not mad. I’m just… hurt. You hurt me, Hangeng. And I can’t trust you so easily anymore. I can’t trust you with my heart anymore.”
Now his smile was clearly sad and he tried to hide it behind his hand covering his face.
“I understand.” Hankyung laid his hand on Heechul’s covering his face and moved a bit closer until their whole bodies touched.
“Let’s sleep then.” He felt Heechul nodding under their hands more than he saw it and with a careful move he slipped his arm around Heechul’s still skinny body, pulling him closer.
“You’re still freezing easily at night, right? I will warm you then.” Heechul didn’t protest, but it took him a few moments to get used to that feeling all over again and still then he only snuggled his nose into Hankyung’s side. Secretly he breathed in the scent of his friend and a small, not sad but honest, smile formed on his lips when he noticed that he still smelled the same.
“Make me your Beijing fried rice tomorrow.” Hankyung had to smile at such familiar words and even the voice in which they were said sounded familiar to the one Heechul used years ago to him.
“I will, Heechul. Sleep now.”
Heechul didn’t answer anymore and Hankyung didn’t see the single tear rolling down his friend’s face and landing on Hankyung’s shirt, but he could feel the pressure of Heechul’s face into his chest and with a smile he closed his eyes, still believing that he wouldn’t get much sleep.
The next moment they were both fast asleep, not smiling but their faces so relaxed, the way they weren’t years ago.