ARNOLD PIG, PART 2
The exciting conclusion...
_STORN
Which one?
how many choices
There's a porthole on the fore wall and one of the aft wall, so you have three choices.
search room
Blood is splattered all over the room and poor Scuppers Blaine's body lies sprawled on his bed. One of his arms is detatched and on the floor. You see large pig hoofprints all over the place in the blood. There is breakfast on his two-drawer nightstand. There is a sunny porthole in the fore and aft walls.
take bre3akfast
You got a breakfast! Captain Santos enters the room and starts sliding around in the blood and sliding into walls.
take arm, attach
You have no arm ports left!
open nightstand
Oh! There's an instruction sheet inside!
read the sheet
These are instructions that tell you how to build a time machine. Keep reading?
yea
It looks like you need: 1 Mysterious Shiny Metal Orb, 1 Shiny Metal Staff, 1 Ration, 2 Nails, 1 Dreamcatcher, 1 Chair, and 1 Pantalon.
pause
Game Paused. Your score is 1.
ask captain about remving nails
Captain Santos slides out of the room and down the hall to starboard on a trail of blood.
slide towards santos
Whee! You slide in the blood and along the hall after Captain Santos! It's fun! When you're back in the intersection he stands up and starts to somersault to fore.
duck
you duck. It increases your speed and you slide quickly to starboard in the traill of blood, back to the belowdecks! A merry fire burns here merrily.
retard
oops! You smashed into the stairs leading up and got hurt. You feel foolish and dizzy and sleepy.
sleep and dream a solution
You go to sleep! You are in a desert. A scorpion is chasing a pantalon across the dunes!
receive pantaloon
pantalon
How catch?
pretend to be a cactus, grab when it's confused
Uh-oh! The cactus you were talking to got mad when you imitated it and gets ready to execute a K. BRK BAM!
ack like i'm not blocking and duck as it attacks to roll and grab pantalon
get pantalon!
You got a pantalon!
bite self to wake up
You woke up! You're back in the belowdecks with a swollen head and no dream pantalons.
retire
i mean take capn's pantaloon
lon
You don't see Captain Santos here. Suddenly you hear horrible noises coming from above.
go above
You go up to the deck and see a crazy commotion going on all around the place. First Mate Dickie is screaming and running in circles and there, repeatedly ramming into the mainmast is none other than ARNOLD PIG. At the top of the mainmast Steersman Shortwidth is screaming and scared as the mast gradually weakens from rammening. ARNOLD PIG hasn't noticed you yet.
climb mast
You mast be crazy! ARNOLD PIG will totally see you if you try to do that!
get steersman attention by waving
Steersman Shortwidth yells "In thar name of thar lord o' plenty, halp me kind shipmanmate!"
throw a barrel at pig and duck hide
You THROOOOW the barrel! Nails go flying everywhere and ARNOLD PIG gets tripped up! He falls on his boon and oinks like crazy!
pick 2 nails up and rehide
You got two nails! Hide where?
behind pole
Pole?? What you say?? ARNOLD PIG turns around and you see he has Guardsman Flankwich's blunderbuss! You remember the day he found that blunderbuss on Rockpants Island. That was a funny day.
slide kick
i mean slide punch
Sliiiiiide! Residual blood increases your slidiness to ARNOLD PIG's surprise! You rapidly trip him and hip pops up into the air and says WHEEEEEEEEE continuously. You keep sliding towards the edge of the ship!
back gain to slow momentum
Uh oh! Not enough! You go flying off the edge of the boat! You are flying towards another boat.
brace for bouncing
Good choice! You land on your wooden bum and bounce once and then hit the mizzenmast on the other ship. You see some guy coming towards you continuously.
spin with hands up like a top surrendering
He laughs and grabs his belly and accepts your surrender. Then he blows a whistle! He looks familiar! Attempt to recognize?
Press start to play CONSTABLE WARS
start
You are a CONSTABLE in ENGLAD. You are walking around on the streets chewing a licorice whip and swinging your CONSTABLE BAT. Suddenly, you see a BURGULAR break out of an awning!
deftly tie licorice whip to baton to reach attack
Whoopise! You deftly tripped up the BURGULAR, who falls with a bamp to the gound. He looks shamed and calls you GOVERNOR.
explain he's poorly mistken and adroitly remove my cap
Whoopsie! You both gentelmanlenly bow and bamp your heads together. Merry laughter ensues. The BUGULAR suggests you go to a pub together for ale and spotted dick.
slapp him with my CONSTABLE glove and explain that I am married to a beautiful mother of three
The BURGULAR misinterprets your admonishment as a challenge to a duel and he produces and OFFICAL DUEL CONTRACT for you to sign.
take the document and act like I'm reading it, muttering incoherently until gasping halfway down and explain there is clause that prevent me from entering the duel because it interferes with my OFFICIAL DUET CONTRACT which occurs at exactly the same hour and day
The BURGULAR nods acquiescently and suggests that you retire to a nearby alehouse to discuss alternative arrangements over a pint of lager and some bangers and mash.
give hiim a knowing wing and put my ungloveed hand on teh small of his back
The BURGULAR is appalled and thrilled by your abnormally long reach and steps lively off to the nearby pub "McSWARTHY's"
follow backwards in case i need to act like I'm fleeing the bar
Whoopsie! You trip over a street urchin and tumble backwards, rolling over completely on your round CONSTABLE HAT and land back on your feet! You are lanky and nimble!
not to mention deft! i dust off my hat and start clubbing the street urchin
The wee urchin shouts "OY GOVERNOR, NORN HARM ME"
cry and start to shave!
Oh no! The CHIEF MASTER CONSTABLE was walking by and sees you crying. He bethwarts your manlyhood in no uncertain terms, chastisingly.
besmirchingly remove the glumness from my face and replace with enthrallment and say " I had YOU tricked!"
The CHIEF MASTER CONSTABLE's plump face contorts in merriment and he grasps his belly and guffaws gaily. "OFF WITH YE NOW WEE URCHIN" he says to the street urchin, who aways to the north end of town.
tip my hat and bow to greet the CHIEF
Whoopsie! You both bowed gentlemanlenly and conked heads! Mirth ensues!
high five contest!
The CHIEF MASTER CONSTABLE balks rechingly at your anachronism and shumbles off in a huff.
oh no, suicide!
As a CONSTABLE in charge of keeping the PEACE, you carry no deadly weapons.
ask foa raise
The CHIEF MASTER CONSTABLE is nowhere to be seen. Night has fallen. Lantern lights light up all over town, merryingly. Roast hams are baked in windows athwart the hollow. The BURGULAR has escaped to McSWARTHY's.
follow in persuit
You enter McSWARTHY's. It'
s a dram and dingy alehouse with fat ladies carrying around unidentifiable goblets of mash and meat.
The stench of hirsute laborers hangs heavy in the air.
The BURGULAR from before sits in the corner staring blankly out the window.
walk over to the table thumping my baton in y palm
The BURGULAR sees you and beckons you to be seated. "GOVERNOR I ORDERED SOME BANGERS AND MASH" he says.
tell him that i love a mash
grab a fat lady as one walks by
"SMASHING" he says. You manhadle a trollop as he passes and she says "OY GOVERNOR ARE YE GOING TO PLACE ME UNDER ARREST"
say "tis my heart that YOU have placed under arrest madam!" and laugh intensly for 21/2 minutes nonstop and then order mash
She takes some mash out of her goblet with a cast iron ladle and heaps it pilingly on your plate. Then she laughs and turns red and walks away. "OY GOVERNOR YOU HAVE A WAY WITH THE LADIES" says the BURGULAR envianeously.
I slap her buttock and say "I WASN"T FINISHED YOU FILTH WHORE" and request bangers.
"OY GOVERNOR ARE YE GOING TO PLACE ME UNDER ARREST" she says repetiitously. STRANGE, you think, A BARMAID WHAT SAY THE SAME THING ATWICE. She ladles out some bangers from her goblet of slop and heaps it onto your plate. Everything freezes for a second and then is normal.
grab the thief by his sleeves and shake, yelling "what in the name of my mother!"
"GOVERNOR" he says, "YE DO SEEM A BIT TENSE. SAMPLE THE FINE ALE AND BANGERS AND MASH. THEY DO WARM THE HEART."
I sampl precociously
Eh? What what? What's going on here? Suddenly you're outside the pub and your uniform is red! You feel a right fool! Who ever heard of a CONSTABLE in a red uniform?
hmm, i look around for thief
all you see is a man standing over you. He looks familiar!
"hey, get down here!" i shout and jump up and down trying to grab him
You try to jump up but the rocking deck of the ship takes you by surprised and you fall down onto your wooden bum!
oh no, resignate my forthold
The fat man before you laughs at you as you emerge from your coma.
ask wher am me?
He says, "YE BE ON THE SHIP OF BLAND HOUSEWAITE, THE PIRATE! AND I BE HE! AND YE BE MY PRISONER SINCE YE CEM FLYIN O'ER HERE FROM YER OWN SHIP" and he points at something behind you.
spin slowly, casual-like
You spin casually around, which is facilitated by the low friction of your wooden bum. You see a shocking sight as your memory comes back to you: your ship, locked in a losing battle with the mighty ARNOLD PIG. Already the hull is breached and the ship is quickly singing. Steersman Shortwidth hangs from the top of the main mast crying and eating olives as Captain Santos does jumping jacks in his pajamas. ARNOLD PIG fires another shot and an explosion rips a hole into the MESS HALL. RATIONS come flooding out of the ship!
look for secrets
You see First Mate Dickie's Dreamcatcher that his mother gave him caught on a rope over the side of Bland Housewaite's ship. It must have flown over there from an explosion. First Mate Dickie's head floats in the sea beneath it.
point and laugh at the head, wide-eyed and drooling, then let my expression slowly twist into one of fear
Good job. You won an award.
utilize the dreamcatcher
Hmm. You're not quite sure how. Take anyway?
y
You got a dreamcatcher! You watch as ARNOLD PIG completes the demolition of Captain Santos' once glorious ship. As it sinks beneath the waves, Captain Santos does one more backflip, so that just for a moment he is suspended in the air with nothing below him but churning sea. Then he falls with a splash into the water and is seen no more. ARNOLD PIG turns in your direction.
shoot him a look of mutual hatred and stamp a few times
On your last stamp he shoots a surprise shot and blows off your leg! It flies through the air and he catches it in his mouth before diving beneath the waves and swimming away. You fall to the deck of the ship and find yourself looking up again at Bland Housewaite. He really looks familiar! Attempt to recognize?
y
Now you remember. He was that security guard that farted on you in the mall with Arnold Pig forty years ago!
"he buddy" i say and encroach
You're in no shape to encroach. You're missing a leg. Bland Housewaite laughs and enslaves you. He gives you a cheap mop leg and puts you to work in the galleys baking bread and mush. What a miserable life.
Now it's 80 years later. You're in an old age home sitting in your favorite rocking chair. You're having a dream about a dragon chasing a pantalon through mexico.
give the pantaloon the middle finger
The pantalon rages and buckles at the dragon! Now they're teamed up!
oh man, i roller away to tahaiti
Now you're in tahiti. There are hawaiian maidens being terrorized by a giant pantalon.
i hail a cab, furious that I'm in Tahiti and demand a free flight for tahaiti
now you're in tahaiti. But the cab door is locked and there's a red pantalon in here!
slowly roll window, act like I'm memorizing a play or something
the pantalon waits patiently and then slips into the window in front of you.
slowly slim through window
you snakeline slide through the window and the pantalon starts jackhammering on the street! Suddenly an elephant is summons and stomps you. You wake up in your chair.
yell for nurse and request a mash
No response. Suddenly you have to pee!
let it free
You feel warm and tired. You wish you had a snack.
dig around kitchen for a joint
You wish you had a kitchen. There's a prune on your nightstand next to your box of souvenirs from your pirate days. Eat prune?
no, look for roasted beef under bed
Bend down? Are you sure?
maybe
slow like
Ouf! Your mop leg came undone again! You fall on the floor. Under the bed you can see that the wall has already been whipped away and the roast beef eaten. You must be getting senile.
do a lateral floor dance
Hey! Pretty good! You managed to prop yourself up on the bed with your Guardsman Shortwidth arm.
re-sit and analyze arm
It still twitches and slaps you once in a while, but it's better than your old pegleg arm.
secure using a denture cream
It's already secure. It's graphtically bonded to your shoulder.
look for nurse button
It's around your neck.
press button sweetly
It makes a DING DING DONG sound and Nurse Santos enters your room a few moments later.
blink furtively and explain the moonlight brings out her pearline skin tone
WHAT A DIRTY OLD MAN YE ARE she says good naturedly. She helps you stand up and reattaches your mop leg.
thank her and ask if I can go watch TV and eat a snack
She turns on your TV for you and asks what snack you would like.
banges and mash, and any joint if iit's not a bother
bangers
JOINT IS NO GOOD FOR OLD MAN she says, and leaves the room. Watch TV?
watch TV, but preoocupy mind with attaining bangers
On the TV is President ARNOLD PIG giving the state of the union address. Your blood boils when you see him on the TV. You look longingly at your masterpiece invention in the corner, the mighty Pigslayer Barrada Pluton Beam Rifle. If only you had completed it when you were a younger man.
i wipe it with my pingertips and envision apearheading an attack on the white house using an elite crew of time pirates
then i call nurse
HIT BABY TO CONTINUTE AVENTURE
HIT
BABY DODGED, MAKING YOU FEEL A RIGHT FOOL.
aww, sit and remember the days when i could eat a decent joint with mash
NOT IN ADVENTURE YET! BABY SMACKS YOU UPSIDE HEAD.
sit and pretend to shake hands and when hands near eachother, smack!
PARTY OVER HERE! SAYS BABY. HE TELEPORTED BEHIND YOU.
go to party
GOOD GOING! THE BABY IS SHOCKED. NOW'S YOUR COMBO CHANCE.
slide smack / sit down block eyes
BABY CRIES AND GROWS UP TO BE A MEAN AND SAD SOLDIER. ADVENTURE CONTINUTED. You touch the Pigslayer Barrada Pluton Beam Rifle lovingly and wish you had the strength to wield it. Who knew it would take you sixty years to complete? The nurse reenters your room and looks at you impatiently.
ask where babies come from
INTERCORD she says. She taps her foot meanderingly and asks if you need anything else because she gets her break soon.
say " i would like a time horse and a pudding "
She rolls her eyes and says TIME HORSE IS FICTION FROM YOUR FAVORITE NOVEL THE TIME HORSE. Then she reminds you that President Arnold Pig has made pudding illegal.
shake fist, itch arse
Shaken and itched. The nurse leaves your room. The television has gone to the local news, showing a demonstration in Washington as the President's armored soldiers march through the streets blocking traffic.
fold bedsheet into sloppy backpack and put rifle in it
With great effort you manage to get the gun into your backpack. Now you're extremely short of breath and sleepy.
look for fire source and plastics
Oops! You fell asleep. You have a dream you're being chased through the sea by an aquatic pantalon!
tiger uppercut!
the water is underwater so you go flying WAAAAY up and out of the boat! There's a zebra on a liver here and everyone is celebrating!
what?? look for a prune
WHOAH! You suddenly wake up and find yourself staring at the prune on your nightstand, next to the box of your mementos from your bygone pirate days.
prepare for journey, shoe myself and leave
You make it halfways to the door with your makeshift backpack and run out of energy. The rifle is just too heavy. You pass out again. Now you're having a dream that you're in a snowcapped mountain pass with ogres chasing you!
duck in the snow
The Ogres scamper over your head. You found a hidden pantalon!
collect, look for fig
nope, no figs. But you caught (1) pantalon.
envigor? is this an option?
You're going senile and find yourself back in the jungle with Tipper Jack the explorer. Your pantalon is frozen.
look for dreamcatcher
WHOAH!!! Suddenly you wake up. It's 12:01 at night and you're lying tucked into bed. It looks like the nurses must have found you passed out and put your rifle back in the corner and re-made your bed. You are staring at the box of mementos from your bygone pirate days on your nightstand next to the prune.
let tear roll down my cheek, search 4 clues
search where?
MEMOIRS
You open the box and see inside: A folded instruction sheet, yellowed with age, a Mysterious Shiny Metal Orb, a Shiny Metal Staff, Two nails, a Dreamcatcher, and a TRIPLE FAT GOOSE.
COMBINE !
add pantalon too
You don't have any pantalon!
aww, grab dreamcatcher, walk to end of hallway
You got a dreamcatcher. You open the door and walk out into the hallway. The floor is cold! There's a staircase leading down here and an elevator. Out the window you can see the shipwreck museum across the street. You remember there's a field trip there this afternoon and clap your hands in delight.
go get weapon
You go back to your room and feel really tired and hungry. Really try to lift Pigslayer Barrada Pluton Beam Rifle?
no take nap holding dreamcatcher
nap in bed or chair?
chair
You fall asleep in chair! You're having a dream that raisins are dancing everywhere and blacking out the sky in Israel.
hide for shelter
You hide under a palm tree that's shaped like nixon. Bubbles start rising from the ocean floor and everyone's clapping and laughing at you!
do a dance that shows off my wrinkly bum
Not so wrinkly- it's made of wood, stupid.
make it rotate clockwise while dance
Whooo! It's a good dance! Everyone scared away and the sky is clear and sunny.
walk to pyramid
On your way you spy a legion of gnomes being chased by a pantalon into a reservoir!
skip after and hide close behind
You suddenly start hanging by your bum in midair! It's fun and you can control it with analog. You speed on across the snowy plains toward the chase.
prepare dreamcather into position
Dreamcatcher is readied.
scoop pantaloon
With Flankwich arm?
no, reg
Put dreamcatcher away first?
no
Direct hit! You caught a pantalon! Suddenly you wake up. In your lap is the dreamcatcher and the now motionless pantalon.
take pantalon over to collected memoirables and combine
Combine into what?
time machine
Oh, you forget how.
look at instruction
These are instructions that tell you how to build a time machine. Keep reading?
yes
It looks like you need 1 Mysterious Shiny Metal Orb, 1 Shiny Metal Staff, 1 Ration, 2 Nails, 1 Dreamcatcher, 1 Chair, and 1 Pantalon.
combine Mysterious Shiny Metal Orb, Shiny Metal Staff, Two nails, a Dreamcatcher, and a chair and call nurse
You combine them. Looks pretty good, but you're still missing a ration. You yell for the nurse and feel rude becuase it's 12:15 at night.
explain dire hunger to nurse
No nurse there, fool. She's probably sleeping.
look under bed
There's a hole whipped in the wall where you found some roast beef one time. There's nothing else of interest underneath the bed.
look in hole
wallhole
There's a dried roast beef stain on the back of the hole.
reach in and search for petrified remnant
Nope.
You're getting very tired again from all this moving around and your Flankwich arm is starting to twitch.
examine arm
Looks a little twitchy today.
lament
BOO HOO you say. The nurse enters your room and yells at you to go to bed. She reminds you that you need to be rested for the field trip tomorrow.
ask her for food, tell her the worm is nibbling my tummy walls
She points to the prune on your nightstand. YOU KNOW ALL MEALS ARE REGULATED BY THE PRESIDENT'S REGIME she says. NO BREAKFAST UNTIL BREAKFAST TIME.
tell her close her eyes fast, i gotta change, and when closed, change clocks to breakfast time
YOU TRIED THAT YESTERDAY she says, and leaves the room. Now you don't know what time it is!
let loose a tearstorm / look for prune
You spy a dried prune sitting on your nightstand.
yay use with pantalon and collected items to build time machine
Nice try, stupid. Prune doesn't count as ration. Also, hey, you need a chair!
cry / sleep w dreamcatcher
sleep in bed or sleep in chair?
chair
no bed!
You fall asleep. You're having a dream that you're standing in a city street. Cars go by and people rush off to work.
look for stores
You see a deli and a porn shop.
walk into deli
You're inside a deli!
ask for very old meat
The man behind the counter wraps up some questionable-looking meat and hands it to you. THREE FIFTY CENTS PLEASE.
explain i will write him a check in the morning
NO CHECK says the man behind the counter.
explain i am a constable and I'm seizing the meat for security reasons
The man says something in another language and takes the meat back from you.
give him 35 cent
THREE FIFTY CENTS!!! yells the man.
spin embarrased and give him a proper amount
How much?
three fifty cent
How many dollars?
one and one halfs
He gets angry and shakes his head. THREE FIFTY CENTS!!! he yells. THREE DOLLAR. FIFTY CENTS!!!
give him a polite bow and give him 3 dollars and fo cents
fifty
You bought some meat.
ask for ration
QUE? says the man.
la ration
The man pulls a shotgun out and points it at your spleen.
moon him while running out
BLAM!!! He shoots your bum and you wake up. Nurse Santos comes into the room and tells you to get up or you'll be late for the field trip. She eyes your half-completed time machine with exasperation and urges you to tidy your room.
give her finger then quickly pretend to be asleep
She gets mad and says DON'T YOU WANT TO GO TO THE SHIPWRECK MUSEUM?
yea
THAT'S BETTER she says. NOW COME DOWN FOR BREAKFAST. She extends her hand to you.
take
Nurse Santos leads you downstairs to the dining room. All the other old folks are eating their breakfast with grimaces of disgust on their faces. On the menu is anchovy and eggplant strudel, which is, in fact, the only legal food to possess, sell, or consume under the current president's administration.
spin aroung waving elbows in the air and atamping
stamping
The other old folks edge away from you. They don't like you very much because of your weird wooden bum and secondhand arm and leg. Also they think you're weird because you do stuff like that all the time. Nurse Santos rolls her eyes and tells you to eat breakfast.
sneak breakfast into a sac
What sac??? You don't have sac.
hehehe
just kidding!
i make a sac out of napkin
what kind of plate is there?
Paper plates. Napkins also paper.
grab extra plates for folding safe food transpote
You do it and make a temporary food transpote. The smell of the anchovy and eggplant strudel makes you feel sick. Everyone else has finished eating breakfast and the nurses gather everyone together and Nurse Santos says FOLLOW ME IT'S TIME FOR YOUR FIELD TRIP. Everyone shifts and exhales laboriously in excitement.
transpote food and reget my components and comban
No time for that! You're being shepherded out the door to the National Shipwreck Museum across the street!
k
follow herbs
Say what???
folow the herd
Okay! They go outside and you enter the lobby of the museum. People stand around and wait while the nurses hand out tickets. There's a statue of a dinosaur skeleton in the corner and a picture of a boat on the ceiling. Hanging prominently in the center of the room, as required by law, is a tapestry depicting the president with his hoof raised in triumph.
angrily shake a fist but act like it's at the boat
I DON'T LIKE BOATS EITHER says Daft Carl. He's the only one who is nice to you becuase he's blind and retarded.
look for ideas
Look where?
dinosaur
Hey! You found a piece of strudel.
take it
You acquire the piece of strudel.
Suddenly the old folks start moving again as the tour guide appears and leads the group into the museum.
yaya
You get leaded into the museum interior, bracingly. Holy cow! It's your old pirate ship, the Schwartzberg! Memories come flooding back and a tear of nostalgia falls out of your head. Nurse Santos gasps and starts weeping inexplicably. Now let's see here. The ship has a bunch of large holes around the hull where Arnold Pig blasted it so long ago. There's a staircase that leads up to a wooden platform that lets you go on the deck. The old folks start shuffling and moving around and doing things.
sneak aboard
Which way?
to the chambers
Up stairs?
yes
You go up the stairs along with some of the other old folks and get to the deck of the ship. You think fondly back to the sight of your old comrade Steersman Shortwidth drunkenly dozing at the top of the mainmast, his breakfast sliding around on the deck. A single tear of nostalgia falls out of your head. The stairs to the underdeck are here.
look for a ration
No ration up here!
goto mess hall
Which way?
downstairs
Okay, you go downstairs into the underdecks. You see the now dormant fireplace where fires used to merrily burn and Captain Santos would shove First Mate Dickie's head in when he got drunk. Those were happier times. A single tear of nostalgia falls out of your head. The passages to starboard and port are blocked by the deck having caved in. The passages to fore and aft are still useable, though.
go to fore
You go to fore and find yourself at the door to your old room! Your name is scrawled in faded red crayon on the door and a single tear of nostalgia wells in your eye socket and falls out of your head.
walk in and wipe wye
eye
Oops! You walked into the door and bumped your eye!
open door
The door to your old room opens. What a mess! There are pillows everywhere and on the wall hangs your Arnold Pig dartboard. You never actually managed to hit it with a dart but the sight of it causes a nostalgic tear to stream from your face unerringly.
look around for something to eat
You find a stale Warrior Cake.
take the cake!
You got a Warrior Cake. You're feeling pretty tired from walking around for so long and lifting up the Warrior Cake. Take a nap on your old bed?
ok
Even though it's covered in dust and probably has bugs infesting it?
y, throw a cake crumbs on other side of room to lure potential bugs away from bed
Good plan! Bugs come out from everywhere like the temple of doom and start eating the crumbs. You lie down for a nap but the bed collapses and you bruise your hip. You feel like a wimp.
retry but pretend i'm really strong
The bed is all collapsed. You can't get comfortable really.
look around for specials
You found 50 coins! They start bouncing around the room and then some of them start flashing like they're going to disappear.
grab them
Try how hard?
kinda
Ok, you got 12 coins before the rest disappear. The bugs finish eating the Hero Cake Crumbs and crawl back into the remains of the bed.
construct time machine
What you say??? That's back in your room and you still don't have a ration!
ask for help from jesus
The president's thought police would surely detect such a blatant violation and melt your brain down to putty.
use sac on maria carey
Silly! The Secretary of State lives in Washington, D.C.!
remit
What you say???
go to souvenier shop
Which way?
north-south
What you say??? Your senile is starting to confuse it!
use orb as a guiding force to take away effort of getting to souvenier shop
Oh, you're thinking of the TRIPLE FAT GOOSE. Unfortunately, you neglected to bring that with you on the field trip.
why was i so dumb!?!? ask for help
ok, go north wesst
WHATS WRONG says Daft Carl. Looks like he followed you down here surreptitiously. North wesst???? On a boat???
tell carl i need a ration!
and tell him how much i missed his daftnitude
Daft Carl shrugs and giggles. Then he grabs your hand and walks to port.
I mean aft.
hahah, YOU SUCCK!
booo!
Daft Carl starts crying at your insult and runs down the hall to aft.
oh no! go chase and explain it was a song my dad used to beat me to
Ok! You follow to aft and are back in the underdecks. ladder goes up. keep following aft?
yea
Okay. You're at the entrance to the galley. Daft Carl sits sobbing in the very same seat you saw Steersman Shortwidth drinking rum at 80 years ago. Nostalgia-tears water up your eyes and make you look a right fool.
say "hey man, i need a ration"
Daft Carl shrugs and points at the cabinets.
open cabinets
They're all empty except one. Inside you see a dusty tin which appears to be a ration.
.collect ration
You got the ration. The weight feels kind of funny though. You're not sure what kind of ration this is.
analyze ration
Your analytical abilities are not up to the task of analyzing a sealed ration.
return to old folk pals
Abandon Daft Carl?
bring with
Daft Carl smiles serenely and follows you blindly. Oh, also there's a big hole in the hull of the ship here so you can just go back outside if you want.
yay, i'll do that
wee
You go back outside. The old folks are all wandering around aimlessly or doing squats. Daft Carl starts bumping into the ship on account of he's blind. Nurse Santos looks touchingly at the ship and a tear falls out of her face.
walk up to nurse santos and say "wy are you crying?"
THIS WAS MY FATHER'S SHIP says Nurse Santos. He was lost at sea. You hear the tour guide starting to give a boring speech. Listen?
ok
The tour guide explains that this ship was sailed by the mighty Arnold Pig who scoured the seven seas in search of evil pirates. He says he sailed it all by himself until it was sunk by mean pirates but he escaped anyway on account of Arnold Pig is so great.
talk to nurse and ask what she say about this
Nurse Santos looks angry. LIES she whispers. Then suddenly she notices the Fighter Cake in your hand and says you'd better get rid of it before you get arrested.
put it beneath my pallette
You store the Warrior Cake in your secret compartment. Nurse Santos looks astonished. The tour guide finishes the tour and one of the other nurses starts leading the old folks back home. Daft Carl keeps falling down and running into obstacles.
go AIDS daft carl
You help redirect him towards the old folks brigade and you all get led back home. You're really tired and want to take a nap. The strudel you're still carrying is making your arms tired and the Soldier Cake is scratching the inside of your secret compartment.
eat half strudel to lighten weithg
weight
You get an F- in physics and feel a damned fool.
put the rest of strudel down
Go to your room first?
no
i mean ok.
Okay, you go to room and put down strudel. You're real tired and your back is aching.
put the ration and my chair into my compnent combo
Okay. Looks like you built a Time Machine. There's a big red button on it.
grab gun and press
You drag the gun over and press the button. The machine whirrs and hums and then suddenly makes a grinding sound. The ration rattles around and then pops out and the machine powers down.
rotate on my bum 360° to get a panoramic view
No change. Time Machine didn't work at all. Something's wrong with that ration.
look at ration
It's sealed.
open careful to not spill possible stinks
It is indeed filled with your 80 year old feces.
what a dumb ration!!!
i throw out window
Just feces?
sure
Thrown. You hear a splat as it lands on a constable's head.
go bath ration
Okay. Now you're in the bathroom. There's a geriatric sink and a geriatric bath and a geriatric toilet.
first use geriatric sink and then geriatric bath
okay. You used them.
rebath ration
Ration canister got clean. A bonus coin appears.
taek coin
You got it the coin. Now you have 8 coins.
put soldier cake in ration
You put the Hero Cake in the tin container. That looks better.
close and retry
You return to you room with the ration and reassemble. You appear to have built a Time Machine. There's a big red button on it.
grab gun and press button
WEEEEEEEEEE. There's a big burst of light and sparks and you, the time machine, and the time machine go on a time spree! You are now in a small, dingy office. There's a doorway to the west whose metal door is lying on the floor of a video arcade beyond the doorway. Little kids are running around screaming. What a commotion!
whoop, take a rifle and ready for firing
You are far too weak to wield the rifle. The best you can do is drag it around with great effort.
use feet to help balance and aim and wait for a pig
You've tried this many times and you're much too weak to do it. You cannot wield the rifle no matter what you do.
look for my young counterpart
Maybe through the door.
drag through door
Okay. Now you're in the arcade. The bodies of a couple little kids are sprawled around or slung over arcade machines. One of them is missing an arm and a trail of blood leads out the entrance to the arcade into the mall. You're getting really tired dragging this rifle!
srcream my name and follow marco polo style
You hear a familiar pig grunt out in the mall hallways and sounds of commotions!
keep marcopoloing towards it
Wait a second! There he is! It's Arnold Pig, with a sign around his neck and everything! You see a little kid trying to pick up the metal door to use as a shield. Arnold Pig's about to bite his bum!
expetiently shoot the arnold
with a d
(not hind)
What you say??? That rifle is too heavy for an old man like you to wield, grandpa!
slide the gun at the me
Just as Arnold Pig is about to bite his bum, the little kid sees the mighty Pigslayer Barrada Pluton Beam Rifle and gets super adrenalized! He spins around and shoots Arnold Pig right in the face! There's a sickening lurching sound and a putrid stench as Arnold Pig's internal organs burst and leak out his every orifice! He emits a chilling OINK of rage and tries to lunge at you but his body is inflating like a pig balloon! He starts to float up to the ceiling and his skins start crackling and turning red. He's about to explod!
runder a door
The little kid has the same idea and you get under the metal door. Arnold Pig emits a final WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and then explods all over the place! Gross! But big coins worth 100 coins each are bouncing around everywhere! CollecT?
yea
You and small kid happily collect coins and get rich. But then you start to fade away like an old photo on account of you changed the future. The little kid looks at you in surprise as you disappear.
flip off and say "just kidding!" as i vanish
The strange old man with the mop leg and twitchy in front of you has just disappeared, after flipping you off. You breathe a sigh of relief. Arnold Pig is dead! And you got so many coins! Boy is your mom gonna be proud!
THE END
_STORN
Which one?
how many choices
There's a porthole on the fore wall and one of the aft wall, so you have three choices.
search room
Blood is splattered all over the room and poor Scuppers Blaine's body lies sprawled on his bed. One of his arms is detatched and on the floor. You see large pig hoofprints all over the place in the blood. There is breakfast on his two-drawer nightstand. There is a sunny porthole in the fore and aft walls.
take bre3akfast
You got a breakfast! Captain Santos enters the room and starts sliding around in the blood and sliding into walls.
take arm, attach
You have no arm ports left!
open nightstand
Oh! There's an instruction sheet inside!
read the sheet
These are instructions that tell you how to build a time machine. Keep reading?
yea
It looks like you need: 1 Mysterious Shiny Metal Orb, 1 Shiny Metal Staff, 1 Ration, 2 Nails, 1 Dreamcatcher, 1 Chair, and 1 Pantalon.
pause
Game Paused. Your score is 1.
ask captain about remving nails
Captain Santos slides out of the room and down the hall to starboard on a trail of blood.
slide towards santos
Whee! You slide in the blood and along the hall after Captain Santos! It's fun! When you're back in the intersection he stands up and starts to somersault to fore.
duck
you duck. It increases your speed and you slide quickly to starboard in the traill of blood, back to the belowdecks! A merry fire burns here merrily.
retard
oops! You smashed into the stairs leading up and got hurt. You feel foolish and dizzy and sleepy.
sleep and dream a solution
You go to sleep! You are in a desert. A scorpion is chasing a pantalon across the dunes!
receive pantaloon
pantalon
How catch?
pretend to be a cactus, grab when it's confused
Uh-oh! The cactus you were talking to got mad when you imitated it and gets ready to execute a K. BRK BAM!
ack like i'm not blocking and duck as it attacks to roll and grab pantalon
get pantalon!
You got a pantalon!
bite self to wake up
You woke up! You're back in the belowdecks with a swollen head and no dream pantalons.
retire
i mean take capn's pantaloon
lon
You don't see Captain Santos here. Suddenly you hear horrible noises coming from above.
go above
You go up to the deck and see a crazy commotion going on all around the place. First Mate Dickie is screaming and running in circles and there, repeatedly ramming into the mainmast is none other than ARNOLD PIG. At the top of the mainmast Steersman Shortwidth is screaming and scared as the mast gradually weakens from rammening. ARNOLD PIG hasn't noticed you yet.
climb mast
You mast be crazy! ARNOLD PIG will totally see you if you try to do that!
get steersman attention by waving
Steersman Shortwidth yells "In thar name of thar lord o' plenty, halp me kind shipmanmate!"
throw a barrel at pig and duck hide
You THROOOOW the barrel! Nails go flying everywhere and ARNOLD PIG gets tripped up! He falls on his boon and oinks like crazy!
pick 2 nails up and rehide
You got two nails! Hide where?
behind pole
Pole?? What you say?? ARNOLD PIG turns around and you see he has Guardsman Flankwich's blunderbuss! You remember the day he found that blunderbuss on Rockpants Island. That was a funny day.
slide kick
i mean slide punch
Sliiiiiide! Residual blood increases your slidiness to ARNOLD PIG's surprise! You rapidly trip him and hip pops up into the air and says WHEEEEEEEEE continuously. You keep sliding towards the edge of the ship!
back gain to slow momentum
Uh oh! Not enough! You go flying off the edge of the boat! You are flying towards another boat.
brace for bouncing
Good choice! You land on your wooden bum and bounce once and then hit the mizzenmast on the other ship. You see some guy coming towards you continuously.
spin with hands up like a top surrendering
He laughs and grabs his belly and accepts your surrender. Then he blows a whistle! He looks familiar! Attempt to recognize?
Press start to play CONSTABLE WARS
start
You are a CONSTABLE in ENGLAD. You are walking around on the streets chewing a licorice whip and swinging your CONSTABLE BAT. Suddenly, you see a BURGULAR break out of an awning!
deftly tie licorice whip to baton to reach attack
Whoopise! You deftly tripped up the BURGULAR, who falls with a bamp to the gound. He looks shamed and calls you GOVERNOR.
explain he's poorly mistken and adroitly remove my cap
Whoopsie! You both gentelmanlenly bow and bamp your heads together. Merry laughter ensues. The BUGULAR suggests you go to a pub together for ale and spotted dick.
slapp him with my CONSTABLE glove and explain that I am married to a beautiful mother of three
The BURGULAR misinterprets your admonishment as a challenge to a duel and he produces and OFFICAL DUEL CONTRACT for you to sign.
take the document and act like I'm reading it, muttering incoherently until gasping halfway down and explain there is clause that prevent me from entering the duel because it interferes with my OFFICIAL DUET CONTRACT which occurs at exactly the same hour and day
The BURGULAR nods acquiescently and suggests that you retire to a nearby alehouse to discuss alternative arrangements over a pint of lager and some bangers and mash.
give hiim a knowing wing and put my ungloveed hand on teh small of his back
The BURGULAR is appalled and thrilled by your abnormally long reach and steps lively off to the nearby pub "McSWARTHY's"
follow backwards in case i need to act like I'm fleeing the bar
Whoopsie! You trip over a street urchin and tumble backwards, rolling over completely on your round CONSTABLE HAT and land back on your feet! You are lanky and nimble!
not to mention deft! i dust off my hat and start clubbing the street urchin
The wee urchin shouts "OY GOVERNOR, NORN HARM ME"
cry and start to shave!
Oh no! The CHIEF MASTER CONSTABLE was walking by and sees you crying. He bethwarts your manlyhood in no uncertain terms, chastisingly.
besmirchingly remove the glumness from my face and replace with enthrallment and say " I had YOU tricked!"
The CHIEF MASTER CONSTABLE's plump face contorts in merriment and he grasps his belly and guffaws gaily. "OFF WITH YE NOW WEE URCHIN" he says to the street urchin, who aways to the north end of town.
tip my hat and bow to greet the CHIEF
Whoopsie! You both bowed gentlemanlenly and conked heads! Mirth ensues!
high five contest!
The CHIEF MASTER CONSTABLE balks rechingly at your anachronism and shumbles off in a huff.
oh no, suicide!
As a CONSTABLE in charge of keeping the PEACE, you carry no deadly weapons.
ask foa raise
The CHIEF MASTER CONSTABLE is nowhere to be seen. Night has fallen. Lantern lights light up all over town, merryingly. Roast hams are baked in windows athwart the hollow. The BURGULAR has escaped to McSWARTHY's.
follow in persuit
You enter McSWARTHY's. It'
s a dram and dingy alehouse with fat ladies carrying around unidentifiable goblets of mash and meat.
The stench of hirsute laborers hangs heavy in the air.
The BURGULAR from before sits in the corner staring blankly out the window.
walk over to the table thumping my baton in y palm
The BURGULAR sees you and beckons you to be seated. "GOVERNOR I ORDERED SOME BANGERS AND MASH" he says.
tell him that i love a mash
grab a fat lady as one walks by
"SMASHING" he says. You manhadle a trollop as he passes and she says "OY GOVERNOR ARE YE GOING TO PLACE ME UNDER ARREST"
say "tis my heart that YOU have placed under arrest madam!" and laugh intensly for 21/2 minutes nonstop and then order mash
She takes some mash out of her goblet with a cast iron ladle and heaps it pilingly on your plate. Then she laughs and turns red and walks away. "OY GOVERNOR YOU HAVE A WAY WITH THE LADIES" says the BURGULAR envianeously.
I slap her buttock and say "I WASN"T FINISHED YOU FILTH WHORE" and request bangers.
"OY GOVERNOR ARE YE GOING TO PLACE ME UNDER ARREST" she says repetiitously. STRANGE, you think, A BARMAID WHAT SAY THE SAME THING ATWICE. She ladles out some bangers from her goblet of slop and heaps it onto your plate. Everything freezes for a second and then is normal.
grab the thief by his sleeves and shake, yelling "what in the name of my mother!"
"GOVERNOR" he says, "YE DO SEEM A BIT TENSE. SAMPLE THE FINE ALE AND BANGERS AND MASH. THEY DO WARM THE HEART."
I sampl precociously
Eh? What what? What's going on here? Suddenly you're outside the pub and your uniform is red! You feel a right fool! Who ever heard of a CONSTABLE in a red uniform?
hmm, i look around for thief
all you see is a man standing over you. He looks familiar!
"hey, get down here!" i shout and jump up and down trying to grab him
You try to jump up but the rocking deck of the ship takes you by surprised and you fall down onto your wooden bum!
oh no, resignate my forthold
The fat man before you laughs at you as you emerge from your coma.
ask wher am me?
He says, "YE BE ON THE SHIP OF BLAND HOUSEWAITE, THE PIRATE! AND I BE HE! AND YE BE MY PRISONER SINCE YE CEM FLYIN O'ER HERE FROM YER OWN SHIP" and he points at something behind you.
spin slowly, casual-like
You spin casually around, which is facilitated by the low friction of your wooden bum. You see a shocking sight as your memory comes back to you: your ship, locked in a losing battle with the mighty ARNOLD PIG. Already the hull is breached and the ship is quickly singing. Steersman Shortwidth hangs from the top of the main mast crying and eating olives as Captain Santos does jumping jacks in his pajamas. ARNOLD PIG fires another shot and an explosion rips a hole into the MESS HALL. RATIONS come flooding out of the ship!
look for secrets
You see First Mate Dickie's Dreamcatcher that his mother gave him caught on a rope over the side of Bland Housewaite's ship. It must have flown over there from an explosion. First Mate Dickie's head floats in the sea beneath it.
point and laugh at the head, wide-eyed and drooling, then let my expression slowly twist into one of fear
Good job. You won an award.
utilize the dreamcatcher
Hmm. You're not quite sure how. Take anyway?
y
You got a dreamcatcher! You watch as ARNOLD PIG completes the demolition of Captain Santos' once glorious ship. As it sinks beneath the waves, Captain Santos does one more backflip, so that just for a moment he is suspended in the air with nothing below him but churning sea. Then he falls with a splash into the water and is seen no more. ARNOLD PIG turns in your direction.
shoot him a look of mutual hatred and stamp a few times
On your last stamp he shoots a surprise shot and blows off your leg! It flies through the air and he catches it in his mouth before diving beneath the waves and swimming away. You fall to the deck of the ship and find yourself looking up again at Bland Housewaite. He really looks familiar! Attempt to recognize?
y
Now you remember. He was that security guard that farted on you in the mall with Arnold Pig forty years ago!
"he buddy" i say and encroach
You're in no shape to encroach. You're missing a leg. Bland Housewaite laughs and enslaves you. He gives you a cheap mop leg and puts you to work in the galleys baking bread and mush. What a miserable life.
Now it's 80 years later. You're in an old age home sitting in your favorite rocking chair. You're having a dream about a dragon chasing a pantalon through mexico.
give the pantaloon the middle finger
The pantalon rages and buckles at the dragon! Now they're teamed up!
oh man, i roller away to tahaiti
Now you're in tahiti. There are hawaiian maidens being terrorized by a giant pantalon.
i hail a cab, furious that I'm in Tahiti and demand a free flight for tahaiti
now you're in tahaiti. But the cab door is locked and there's a red pantalon in here!
slowly roll window, act like I'm memorizing a play or something
the pantalon waits patiently and then slips into the window in front of you.
slowly slim through window
you snakeline slide through the window and the pantalon starts jackhammering on the street! Suddenly an elephant is summons and stomps you. You wake up in your chair.
yell for nurse and request a mash
No response. Suddenly you have to pee!
let it free
You feel warm and tired. You wish you had a snack.
dig around kitchen for a joint
You wish you had a kitchen. There's a prune on your nightstand next to your box of souvenirs from your pirate days. Eat prune?
no, look for roasted beef under bed
Bend down? Are you sure?
maybe
slow like
Ouf! Your mop leg came undone again! You fall on the floor. Under the bed you can see that the wall has already been whipped away and the roast beef eaten. You must be getting senile.
do a lateral floor dance
Hey! Pretty good! You managed to prop yourself up on the bed with your Guardsman Shortwidth arm.
re-sit and analyze arm
It still twitches and slaps you once in a while, but it's better than your old pegleg arm.
secure using a denture cream
It's already secure. It's graphtically bonded to your shoulder.
look for nurse button
It's around your neck.
press button sweetly
It makes a DING DING DONG sound and Nurse Santos enters your room a few moments later.
blink furtively and explain the moonlight brings out her pearline skin tone
WHAT A DIRTY OLD MAN YE ARE she says good naturedly. She helps you stand up and reattaches your mop leg.
thank her and ask if I can go watch TV and eat a snack
She turns on your TV for you and asks what snack you would like.
banges and mash, and any joint if iit's not a bother
bangers
JOINT IS NO GOOD FOR OLD MAN she says, and leaves the room. Watch TV?
watch TV, but preoocupy mind with attaining bangers
On the TV is President ARNOLD PIG giving the state of the union address. Your blood boils when you see him on the TV. You look longingly at your masterpiece invention in the corner, the mighty Pigslayer Barrada Pluton Beam Rifle. If only you had completed it when you were a younger man.
i wipe it with my pingertips and envision apearheading an attack on the white house using an elite crew of time pirates
then i call nurse
HIT BABY TO CONTINUTE AVENTURE
HIT
BABY DODGED, MAKING YOU FEEL A RIGHT FOOL.
aww, sit and remember the days when i could eat a decent joint with mash
NOT IN ADVENTURE YET! BABY SMACKS YOU UPSIDE HEAD.
sit and pretend to shake hands and when hands near eachother, smack!
PARTY OVER HERE! SAYS BABY. HE TELEPORTED BEHIND YOU.
go to party
GOOD GOING! THE BABY IS SHOCKED. NOW'S YOUR COMBO CHANCE.
slide smack / sit down block eyes
BABY CRIES AND GROWS UP TO BE A MEAN AND SAD SOLDIER. ADVENTURE CONTINUTED. You touch the Pigslayer Barrada Pluton Beam Rifle lovingly and wish you had the strength to wield it. Who knew it would take you sixty years to complete? The nurse reenters your room and looks at you impatiently.
ask where babies come from
INTERCORD she says. She taps her foot meanderingly and asks if you need anything else because she gets her break soon.
say " i would like a time horse and a pudding "
She rolls her eyes and says TIME HORSE IS FICTION FROM YOUR FAVORITE NOVEL THE TIME HORSE. Then she reminds you that President Arnold Pig has made pudding illegal.
shake fist, itch arse
Shaken and itched. The nurse leaves your room. The television has gone to the local news, showing a demonstration in Washington as the President's armored soldiers march through the streets blocking traffic.
fold bedsheet into sloppy backpack and put rifle in it
With great effort you manage to get the gun into your backpack. Now you're extremely short of breath and sleepy.
look for fire source and plastics
Oops! You fell asleep. You have a dream you're being chased through the sea by an aquatic pantalon!
tiger uppercut!
the water is underwater so you go flying WAAAAY up and out of the boat! There's a zebra on a liver here and everyone is celebrating!
what?? look for a prune
WHOAH! You suddenly wake up and find yourself staring at the prune on your nightstand, next to the box of your mementos from your bygone pirate days.
prepare for journey, shoe myself and leave
You make it halfways to the door with your makeshift backpack and run out of energy. The rifle is just too heavy. You pass out again. Now you're having a dream that you're in a snowcapped mountain pass with ogres chasing you!
duck in the snow
The Ogres scamper over your head. You found a hidden pantalon!
collect, look for fig
nope, no figs. But you caught (1) pantalon.
envigor? is this an option?
You're going senile and find yourself back in the jungle with Tipper Jack the explorer. Your pantalon is frozen.
look for dreamcatcher
WHOAH!!! Suddenly you wake up. It's 12:01 at night and you're lying tucked into bed. It looks like the nurses must have found you passed out and put your rifle back in the corner and re-made your bed. You are staring at the box of mementos from your bygone pirate days on your nightstand next to the prune.
let tear roll down my cheek, search 4 clues
search where?
MEMOIRS
You open the box and see inside: A folded instruction sheet, yellowed with age, a Mysterious Shiny Metal Orb, a Shiny Metal Staff, Two nails, a Dreamcatcher, and a TRIPLE FAT GOOSE.
COMBINE !
add pantalon too
You don't have any pantalon!
aww, grab dreamcatcher, walk to end of hallway
You got a dreamcatcher. You open the door and walk out into the hallway. The floor is cold! There's a staircase leading down here and an elevator. Out the window you can see the shipwreck museum across the street. You remember there's a field trip there this afternoon and clap your hands in delight.
go get weapon
You go back to your room and feel really tired and hungry. Really try to lift Pigslayer Barrada Pluton Beam Rifle?
no take nap holding dreamcatcher
nap in bed or chair?
chair
You fall asleep in chair! You're having a dream that raisins are dancing everywhere and blacking out the sky in Israel.
hide for shelter
You hide under a palm tree that's shaped like nixon. Bubbles start rising from the ocean floor and everyone's clapping and laughing at you!
do a dance that shows off my wrinkly bum
Not so wrinkly- it's made of wood, stupid.
make it rotate clockwise while dance
Whooo! It's a good dance! Everyone scared away and the sky is clear and sunny.
walk to pyramid
On your way you spy a legion of gnomes being chased by a pantalon into a reservoir!
skip after and hide close behind
You suddenly start hanging by your bum in midair! It's fun and you can control it with analog. You speed on across the snowy plains toward the chase.
prepare dreamcather into position
Dreamcatcher is readied.
scoop pantaloon
With Flankwich arm?
no, reg
Put dreamcatcher away first?
no
Direct hit! You caught a pantalon! Suddenly you wake up. In your lap is the dreamcatcher and the now motionless pantalon.
take pantalon over to collected memoirables and combine
Combine into what?
time machine
Oh, you forget how.
look at instruction
These are instructions that tell you how to build a time machine. Keep reading?
yes
It looks like you need 1 Mysterious Shiny Metal Orb, 1 Shiny Metal Staff, 1 Ration, 2 Nails, 1 Dreamcatcher, 1 Chair, and 1 Pantalon.
combine Mysterious Shiny Metal Orb, Shiny Metal Staff, Two nails, a Dreamcatcher, and a chair and call nurse
You combine them. Looks pretty good, but you're still missing a ration. You yell for the nurse and feel rude becuase it's 12:15 at night.
explain dire hunger to nurse
No nurse there, fool. She's probably sleeping.
look under bed
There's a hole whipped in the wall where you found some roast beef one time. There's nothing else of interest underneath the bed.
look in hole
wallhole
There's a dried roast beef stain on the back of the hole.
reach in and search for petrified remnant
Nope.
You're getting very tired again from all this moving around and your Flankwich arm is starting to twitch.
examine arm
Looks a little twitchy today.
lament
BOO HOO you say. The nurse enters your room and yells at you to go to bed. She reminds you that you need to be rested for the field trip tomorrow.
ask her for food, tell her the worm is nibbling my tummy walls
She points to the prune on your nightstand. YOU KNOW ALL MEALS ARE REGULATED BY THE PRESIDENT'S REGIME she says. NO BREAKFAST UNTIL BREAKFAST TIME.
tell her close her eyes fast, i gotta change, and when closed, change clocks to breakfast time
YOU TRIED THAT YESTERDAY she says, and leaves the room. Now you don't know what time it is!
let loose a tearstorm / look for prune
You spy a dried prune sitting on your nightstand.
yay use with pantalon and collected items to build time machine
Nice try, stupid. Prune doesn't count as ration. Also, hey, you need a chair!
cry / sleep w dreamcatcher
sleep in bed or sleep in chair?
chair
no bed!
You fall asleep. You're having a dream that you're standing in a city street. Cars go by and people rush off to work.
look for stores
You see a deli and a porn shop.
walk into deli
You're inside a deli!
ask for very old meat
The man behind the counter wraps up some questionable-looking meat and hands it to you. THREE FIFTY CENTS PLEASE.
explain i will write him a check in the morning
NO CHECK says the man behind the counter.
explain i am a constable and I'm seizing the meat for security reasons
The man says something in another language and takes the meat back from you.
give him 35 cent
THREE FIFTY CENTS!!! yells the man.
spin embarrased and give him a proper amount
How much?
three fifty cent
How many dollars?
one and one halfs
He gets angry and shakes his head. THREE FIFTY CENTS!!! he yells. THREE DOLLAR. FIFTY CENTS!!!
give him a polite bow and give him 3 dollars and fo cents
fifty
You bought some meat.
ask for ration
QUE? says the man.
la ration
The man pulls a shotgun out and points it at your spleen.
moon him while running out
BLAM!!! He shoots your bum and you wake up. Nurse Santos comes into the room and tells you to get up or you'll be late for the field trip. She eyes your half-completed time machine with exasperation and urges you to tidy your room.
give her finger then quickly pretend to be asleep
She gets mad and says DON'T YOU WANT TO GO TO THE SHIPWRECK MUSEUM?
yea
THAT'S BETTER she says. NOW COME DOWN FOR BREAKFAST. She extends her hand to you.
take
Nurse Santos leads you downstairs to the dining room. All the other old folks are eating their breakfast with grimaces of disgust on their faces. On the menu is anchovy and eggplant strudel, which is, in fact, the only legal food to possess, sell, or consume under the current president's administration.
spin aroung waving elbows in the air and atamping
stamping
The other old folks edge away from you. They don't like you very much because of your weird wooden bum and secondhand arm and leg. Also they think you're weird because you do stuff like that all the time. Nurse Santos rolls her eyes and tells you to eat breakfast.
sneak breakfast into a sac
What sac??? You don't have sac.
hehehe
just kidding!
i make a sac out of napkin
what kind of plate is there?
Paper plates. Napkins also paper.
grab extra plates for folding safe food transpote
You do it and make a temporary food transpote. The smell of the anchovy and eggplant strudel makes you feel sick. Everyone else has finished eating breakfast and the nurses gather everyone together and Nurse Santos says FOLLOW ME IT'S TIME FOR YOUR FIELD TRIP. Everyone shifts and exhales laboriously in excitement.
transpote food and reget my components and comban
No time for that! You're being shepherded out the door to the National Shipwreck Museum across the street!
k
follow herbs
Say what???
folow the herd
Okay! They go outside and you enter the lobby of the museum. People stand around and wait while the nurses hand out tickets. There's a statue of a dinosaur skeleton in the corner and a picture of a boat on the ceiling. Hanging prominently in the center of the room, as required by law, is a tapestry depicting the president with his hoof raised in triumph.
angrily shake a fist but act like it's at the boat
I DON'T LIKE BOATS EITHER says Daft Carl. He's the only one who is nice to you becuase he's blind and retarded.
look for ideas
Look where?
dinosaur
Hey! You found a piece of strudel.
take it
You acquire the piece of strudel.
Suddenly the old folks start moving again as the tour guide appears and leads the group into the museum.
yaya
You get leaded into the museum interior, bracingly. Holy cow! It's your old pirate ship, the Schwartzberg! Memories come flooding back and a tear of nostalgia falls out of your head. Nurse Santos gasps and starts weeping inexplicably. Now let's see here. The ship has a bunch of large holes around the hull where Arnold Pig blasted it so long ago. There's a staircase that leads up to a wooden platform that lets you go on the deck. The old folks start shuffling and moving around and doing things.
sneak aboard
Which way?
to the chambers
Up stairs?
yes
You go up the stairs along with some of the other old folks and get to the deck of the ship. You think fondly back to the sight of your old comrade Steersman Shortwidth drunkenly dozing at the top of the mainmast, his breakfast sliding around on the deck. A single tear of nostalgia falls out of your head. The stairs to the underdeck are here.
look for a ration
No ration up here!
goto mess hall
Which way?
downstairs
Okay, you go downstairs into the underdecks. You see the now dormant fireplace where fires used to merrily burn and Captain Santos would shove First Mate Dickie's head in when he got drunk. Those were happier times. A single tear of nostalgia falls out of your head. The passages to starboard and port are blocked by the deck having caved in. The passages to fore and aft are still useable, though.
go to fore
You go to fore and find yourself at the door to your old room! Your name is scrawled in faded red crayon on the door and a single tear of nostalgia wells in your eye socket and falls out of your head.
walk in and wipe wye
eye
Oops! You walked into the door and bumped your eye!
open door
The door to your old room opens. What a mess! There are pillows everywhere and on the wall hangs your Arnold Pig dartboard. You never actually managed to hit it with a dart but the sight of it causes a nostalgic tear to stream from your face unerringly.
look around for something to eat
You find a stale Warrior Cake.
take the cake!
You got a Warrior Cake. You're feeling pretty tired from walking around for so long and lifting up the Warrior Cake. Take a nap on your old bed?
ok
Even though it's covered in dust and probably has bugs infesting it?
y, throw a cake crumbs on other side of room to lure potential bugs away from bed
Good plan! Bugs come out from everywhere like the temple of doom and start eating the crumbs. You lie down for a nap but the bed collapses and you bruise your hip. You feel like a wimp.
retry but pretend i'm really strong
The bed is all collapsed. You can't get comfortable really.
look around for specials
You found 50 coins! They start bouncing around the room and then some of them start flashing like they're going to disappear.
grab them
Try how hard?
kinda
Ok, you got 12 coins before the rest disappear. The bugs finish eating the Hero Cake Crumbs and crawl back into the remains of the bed.
construct time machine
What you say??? That's back in your room and you still don't have a ration!
ask for help from jesus
The president's thought police would surely detect such a blatant violation and melt your brain down to putty.
use sac on maria carey
Silly! The Secretary of State lives in Washington, D.C.!
remit
What you say???
go to souvenier shop
Which way?
north-south
What you say??? Your senile is starting to confuse it!
use orb as a guiding force to take away effort of getting to souvenier shop
Oh, you're thinking of the TRIPLE FAT GOOSE. Unfortunately, you neglected to bring that with you on the field trip.
why was i so dumb!?!? ask for help
ok, go north wesst
WHATS WRONG says Daft Carl. Looks like he followed you down here surreptitiously. North wesst???? On a boat???
tell carl i need a ration!
and tell him how much i missed his daftnitude
Daft Carl shrugs and giggles. Then he grabs your hand and walks to port.
I mean aft.
hahah, YOU SUCCK!
booo!
Daft Carl starts crying at your insult and runs down the hall to aft.
oh no! go chase and explain it was a song my dad used to beat me to
Ok! You follow to aft and are back in the underdecks. ladder goes up. keep following aft?
yea
Okay. You're at the entrance to the galley. Daft Carl sits sobbing in the very same seat you saw Steersman Shortwidth drinking rum at 80 years ago. Nostalgia-tears water up your eyes and make you look a right fool.
say "hey man, i need a ration"
Daft Carl shrugs and points at the cabinets.
open cabinets
They're all empty except one. Inside you see a dusty tin which appears to be a ration.
.collect ration
You got the ration. The weight feels kind of funny though. You're not sure what kind of ration this is.
analyze ration
Your analytical abilities are not up to the task of analyzing a sealed ration.
return to old folk pals
Abandon Daft Carl?
bring with
Daft Carl smiles serenely and follows you blindly. Oh, also there's a big hole in the hull of the ship here so you can just go back outside if you want.
yay, i'll do that
wee
You go back outside. The old folks are all wandering around aimlessly or doing squats. Daft Carl starts bumping into the ship on account of he's blind. Nurse Santos looks touchingly at the ship and a tear falls out of her face.
walk up to nurse santos and say "wy are you crying?"
THIS WAS MY FATHER'S SHIP says Nurse Santos. He was lost at sea. You hear the tour guide starting to give a boring speech. Listen?
ok
The tour guide explains that this ship was sailed by the mighty Arnold Pig who scoured the seven seas in search of evil pirates. He says he sailed it all by himself until it was sunk by mean pirates but he escaped anyway on account of Arnold Pig is so great.
talk to nurse and ask what she say about this
Nurse Santos looks angry. LIES she whispers. Then suddenly she notices the Fighter Cake in your hand and says you'd better get rid of it before you get arrested.
put it beneath my pallette
You store the Warrior Cake in your secret compartment. Nurse Santos looks astonished. The tour guide finishes the tour and one of the other nurses starts leading the old folks back home. Daft Carl keeps falling down and running into obstacles.
go AIDS daft carl
You help redirect him towards the old folks brigade and you all get led back home. You're really tired and want to take a nap. The strudel you're still carrying is making your arms tired and the Soldier Cake is scratching the inside of your secret compartment.
eat half strudel to lighten weithg
weight
You get an F- in physics and feel a damned fool.
put the rest of strudel down
Go to your room first?
no
i mean ok.
Okay, you go to room and put down strudel. You're real tired and your back is aching.
put the ration and my chair into my compnent combo
Okay. Looks like you built a Time Machine. There's a big red button on it.
grab gun and press
You drag the gun over and press the button. The machine whirrs and hums and then suddenly makes a grinding sound. The ration rattles around and then pops out and the machine powers down.
rotate on my bum 360° to get a panoramic view
No change. Time Machine didn't work at all. Something's wrong with that ration.
look at ration
It's sealed.
open careful to not spill possible stinks
It is indeed filled with your 80 year old feces.
what a dumb ration!!!
i throw out window
Just feces?
sure
Thrown. You hear a splat as it lands on a constable's head.
go bath ration
Okay. Now you're in the bathroom. There's a geriatric sink and a geriatric bath and a geriatric toilet.
first use geriatric sink and then geriatric bath
okay. You used them.
rebath ration
Ration canister got clean. A bonus coin appears.
taek coin
You got it the coin. Now you have 8 coins.
put soldier cake in ration
You put the Hero Cake in the tin container. That looks better.
close and retry
You return to you room with the ration and reassemble. You appear to have built a Time Machine. There's a big red button on it.
grab gun and press button
WEEEEEEEEEE. There's a big burst of light and sparks and you, the time machine, and the time machine go on a time spree! You are now in a small, dingy office. There's a doorway to the west whose metal door is lying on the floor of a video arcade beyond the doorway. Little kids are running around screaming. What a commotion!
whoop, take a rifle and ready for firing
You are far too weak to wield the rifle. The best you can do is drag it around with great effort.
use feet to help balance and aim and wait for a pig
You've tried this many times and you're much too weak to do it. You cannot wield the rifle no matter what you do.
look for my young counterpart
Maybe through the door.
drag through door
Okay. Now you're in the arcade. The bodies of a couple little kids are sprawled around or slung over arcade machines. One of them is missing an arm and a trail of blood leads out the entrance to the arcade into the mall. You're getting really tired dragging this rifle!
srcream my name and follow marco polo style
You hear a familiar pig grunt out in the mall hallways and sounds of commotions!
keep marcopoloing towards it
Wait a second! There he is! It's Arnold Pig, with a sign around his neck and everything! You see a little kid trying to pick up the metal door to use as a shield. Arnold Pig's about to bite his bum!
expetiently shoot the arnold
with a d
(not hind)
What you say??? That rifle is too heavy for an old man like you to wield, grandpa!
slide the gun at the me
Just as Arnold Pig is about to bite his bum, the little kid sees the mighty Pigslayer Barrada Pluton Beam Rifle and gets super adrenalized! He spins around and shoots Arnold Pig right in the face! There's a sickening lurching sound and a putrid stench as Arnold Pig's internal organs burst and leak out his every orifice! He emits a chilling OINK of rage and tries to lunge at you but his body is inflating like a pig balloon! He starts to float up to the ceiling and his skins start crackling and turning red. He's about to explod!
runder a door
The little kid has the same idea and you get under the metal door. Arnold Pig emits a final WHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and then explods all over the place! Gross! But big coins worth 100 coins each are bouncing around everywhere! CollecT?
yea
You and small kid happily collect coins and get rich. But then you start to fade away like an old photo on account of you changed the future. The little kid looks at you in surprise as you disappear.
flip off and say "just kidding!" as i vanish
The strange old man with the mop leg and twitchy in front of you has just disappeared, after flipping you off. You breathe a sigh of relief. Arnold Pig is dead! And you got so many coins! Boy is your mom gonna be proud!
THE END