(no subject)
When the chants of thousands upon thousands upon millions of fans fill the stadium, Henry is struck still.
He's frozen; he can't bear to move in case he does something worse, something horrible that'll make everyone hate him all the much more. His violin is stuck to his chin and he's only got a few quavers left to complete the bar, complete these few moments of agony, but the music continues around him and the floor lowers him again.
Later, when there's a break and he has a towel draped over the back of his neck and his violin bow lies across his knees, Henry dares to look up at the mirror. He wants to have the courage to look himself in the eye and tell himself; I don't deserve this.
But even the thought of saying such lies makes him cringe, and he lowers his head again, swallowing the bile that rises and threatens to choke him. Maybe that would be a suitable way to die and leave their precious 13 alone, he thinks, and then curses himself for such thoughts.
When the rest of them tumble into the dressing room, disturbing the peace with the adrenaline rush, Donghae cautiously approaches him.
"Henry?" he asks softly, and Henry pretends to be asleep, his cheek pressed to the counter, the tears threatening to fall hidden by his fringe. Donghae casts him a worried look, but Hyukjae pulls him away.
Kibum approaches him next.
"It'll be okay," he says in English, slightly fuzzy around the edges from disuse, and while Henry appreciates it, it's. It's not the same. It's false pity, in a way, this fake thing that Kibum is offering, and Kibum, too, walks away, guilt making his footsteps slow.
When Sungmin approaches him, Henry wants to sink into the ground.
Sungmin, the kindest of all of them, always ready with a hug and tissues when things were hard, and he'd practise so hard that his fingers would bleed and his neck would develop a kink.
"Henry," Sungmin says softly, a hand passing over Henry's hair, and Henry swallows.
"Henry, it's okay, Henry Henry Henry."
It's not going to be okay, Henry knows that.
This world is twisted and horrible and Henry just wants to leave it, end this stupid agony that he's living, but is it even living?
Sungmin's hand stills on his hair, and he leans close. "I believe in you."
Henry blinks in the darkness of his arms, once, twice, and the tears, the tears fall now. He wonders if that was all he needed to hear. For someone to believe in him, not to just discard him as some toy that management likes to toy with, just to enhance the image these 13 boys have already created.
Slowly, Henry raises his head, and Sungmin offers him a small smile. Henry looks Sungmin in the eye, and smiles back. Yeah, maybe he can believe in himself too.