On the Contrary
Title: On the Contrary
Author: burntotears
Fandom: Harry Potter (Marauder Era)
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Disclaimer: Owned by JK and anyone else that is associated.
Stats: 5152 words
“Moony.”
There was a slight edge to the voice. After more than three years of consistent annoyance, Remus learned to ignore the call quite efficiently.
“Moooooooony.”
The voice was persisting. There was no way to escape it. Remus readjusted himself in his seat a bit, but continued to ignore it.
“Moony! Moony, Moony, Moony!” The voice was twittering like a canary around his head now, jumping about the area of his chair. It stood behind him, taunting. “Moony, can you hear me?”
He sighed. It was useless. He couldn’t stand this any longer. “It is impossible not to hear you, Sirius.” That would suffice. He kept his eyes on the page, still scanning the words as if not interrupted. It was amazing how he could read and pay attention to external forces at the same time.
“Because you love me?” The voice asked sweetly, like an innocent child.
“Because you’re obnoxious.” Remus replied and Sirius slouched, grunting in a pathetic way and taking his place back in front of Remus on the nearest chair.
“Moony, I need attention. Entertain me.” Sirius was demanding. It was his nature. Remus had always hated it. He still did. It made him want to wring Sirius’ neck and snog him senseless at the same time. These two conflicting ideas are what made him hate Sirius the most of it all-his ability to throw Remus into emotional chaos without even knowing he was. It was inhuman and unfair. Remus did not deserve it, which is what he told himself every day.
“You’ve two other able bodied friends to annoy, go bother them.” Remus’ eyes still hadn’t left the book.
Sirius, however, was not going to take this. He pulled the book from Remus’ reluctant grip. “Prongs has his face glued to Evans’ and Wormtail’s got studying to do to make sure he doesn’t flunk out of school. So you’re it, Moony.”
Remus snorted quietly. “I’m so glad to be at the bottom of your list, Sirius, honoured really. But I’m reading and contrary to the beliefs of all the birds in Hogwarts, you are not the center of the universe.”
Sirius looked taken aback by this comment and offended to boot. “Never said you were the bottom of the list, I was simply allotting you with the information of why I am bothering you. And you are most certainly wrong. The shirt lifters at Hogwarts believe I’m the center of the universe as well.”
Remus blushed pink, though only slightly. Sirius, luckily, was about as observant as one would be when speeding by in a train and did not notice.
“You are an enormous, arrogant prick, Sirius.”
Sirius seemed to take this as a grand compliment and beamed at his friend who tried to ignore him and snatch back the book that Sirius still clutched in his hands.
“Well yes, you are right, Moony. I do have quite an enormous prick.”
Remus grew slightly redder and finally caught the book in his fingers, tugging firmly, and stood up. “This conversation has expired.” Haughtily, he picked up his things, shoving the book back into his bag and slinging it over his shoulder.
“What? Who will I-”
“You’ve two other friends just like me to bug into submission, as I've already pointed out. Go see one of them.”
“But Moony...”
“Goodnight, Sirius.”
- - -
Fortunately there was a full moon approaching, something Remus rarely ever looked forward to. But this time, it was a surefire way to deliberately avoid Sirius and get away with it-and with a sufficient excuse.
That didn’t excuse him, however, of hanging about with Padfoot during the full moon. But as a wolf, there was not enough attachment to his human emotions to bother him that much after transformation. It’d just be like all the other times-aloof and quite pleased with having playmates.
And so Moony, whose head shot up as Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs entered the shack, yipped happily and greeted the animals with enthusiasm. Tonight they decided to play a simple-minded game they’d played many times before.
Prongs lowered his head to allow Wormtail to crawl onto his back and then Wormtail, the agile rat, hopped from one big animal’s back to the next. They would accommodate him, moving in closer or farther to make sure he didn’t fall onto the floor. They could play this game for hours, and did, until they bounded out of the house to take the grounds at large. They walked in the way that they did when in human form, letting all those who could see them know that they were together and they were solid. They were a unit, a group-Marauders.
Ambling through the tall grass in the midst of the forest, Moony howled happily and Padfoot barked as he barreled after Prongs, then turned back and licked Moony affectionately on the side of the face. Moony would not remember it in the morning as Remus, but Padfoot would remember it as Sirius. Therein lay the difference between the Animagus and the Werewolf.
- - -
Sirius let it go on long enough. He’d given Remus a week after the full moon, a very generous amount of time considering he usually didn’t get more than a day of sulking. But now, Sirius understood that the lack of Remus for what it was: his friend was avoiding him.
Well Sirius didn’t take these sorts of things lying down. Remus knew this, or at least he should have by now. So with an air of determination and annoyance which he tried to hide but failed miserably, Sirius cornered Remus up in the dormitories when the others were gone.
Remus was sitting on his bed, writing out something on parchment, possibly an essay as it seemed rather long but then he didn’t care. It was not as important as Sirius, is all he knew.
“Moony.”
When the voice uttered it this time, it was not playful or innocent. It was rough, full of hard emotion and annoyance. Remus could tell from the voice that it was serious. He set down his quill and looked up at the other bloke.
“Yes?”
Sirius stared at him for a while, drinking in his appearance. He didn’t much like seeing Remus after the full moon, but then he looked loads better than the day after. But right now, Sirius didn’t feel sorry for Remus; he was angry with Remus.
The bloke answered his call like he was calm and collected but he had no right to be. Sirius was supposed to be the calm and collected one here. But of course, now that he’d seen Remus and Remus had spoken, Sirius lost his temper. Just like that. It was always just like that.
“What do you mean, ‘yes’? You’ve been avoiding me, Moony and I want to know why. I brassed you off by talking about my prick?” That had been the time Remus had been harsh with him and it was the only thing that seemed to connect inside his mind as a reason for avoidance.
Remus shook his head and looked at his writing on the parchment in front of him instead of at Sirius’ face. “No, you didn’t... no that’s not it at all, Sirius.”
“It’s not? Alright, that’s a relief, let me mark that off of the list of millions of possibilities and we can go to the next one.” He growled in frustration, arms thrown in the air. He dropped down on the four-poster next to Remus’ (James’ bed) and leaned forward, arms rested on his thighs. It was obvious to Remus now, that he was becoming impatient about this, which meant no good would come of the approaching conversation.
“I can’t bloody well guess what’s the matter, Remus, so it’d be rather helpful if you’d bloody tell me already.”
Remus shook his head again and didn’t speak, which he knew by now that Sirius hated more than most anything, especially when he was being serious about something.
“Don’t fucking start that with me, Remus. Are you still miffed about Snape? I thought that was bloody over already.”
“It is over, Sirius. It’s not... I forgave you for that.”
“Yeah you bloody well did. So why are you avoiding me?” Sirius didn’t want to bull shit and Remus knew it. When Sirius got angry like this he wanted straight answers and he wanted them handed to him exactly how he wanted them and Remus never did oblige and Sirius always reacted the same way. It was the jerky, unusual dance they always did. Sirius always stormed off the dance floor leaving Remus on the floor, alone, staring after him but not following. Remus never followed him.
“I’m not... sure.” Remus wringed his hands together, eyes fixated on them completely, not even taking the chance to look at Sirius. He knew better.
Sirius snorted angrily. “You aren’t sure? You got the random feeling that avoiding me would be a good bout of fun and so you started doing it? Why me? Why not James or Peter? What the fuck, Remus?” He hadn’t left yet, but Remus could feel that he would be soon. It radiated off his skin.
Remus sighed. He felt his eyes stinging and hated himself for it. It made him feel even worse than Sirius yelling at him did. “I don’t know how to explain it, Sirius. I don’t really understand it.”
“What? What does that even mean? You don’t understand why you avoid me? You don’t know why you are doing it, but you still feel the need to do it?”
“I’m uncomfortable around you.” Remus blurted it out without even meaning to. He hated making Sirius angry and especially because of this reason, which he was certainly not looking to disclose.
“You’re what?” Sirius’ voice raised about five octaves and he sounded as if his voice was breaking for a second time since they’d passed puberty long before. “Why in Merlin’s name would you be uncomfortable around me, Remus? What in the bloody hell did I do to make you feel that way?”
Remus felt extremely small. Never in his friendship with Sirius or the others had he felt this small while talking to them. But this secret, this feeling he’d been carrying for the past few weeks was wearing him down. With the changes and the Prefect duties and his class work-this secret just felt like the one thing on the top of the pile that was finally breaking him in two.
“You didn’t do anything, Sirius, it’s me.”
Sirius did not realise how defeated Remus sounded, because the anger was blazing so fierce inside him that he was easily blinded to everything else. “You? You’re making yourself uncomfortable around me and so you are avoiding me?”
His voice faltered slightly. Just as the anger had risen, it was dying down inside of him. Sirius was like that. He could change his mood on a whim and now he was. His tone didn’t sound defeated so much as pleading. He wanted this conversation to be over already and he wanted things back to normal and he just wanted a bloody nap. “Remus, I’m repeating this just as you’re saying it and it sounds about as nutty as a story Peter would come up with. What are you on about, honestly? Why are you suddenly lying to me?”
Remus could take the anger, the yelling, but he couldn’t take the pleading. Sirius never pleaded. It just wasn’t a part of who he was. And now here he was, sitting on James’ bed and asking Remus to be honest with him in a voice Remus had never heard on him before.
So Remus broke, fast and easy. He felt like a child whose favorite pet just died and was having to bury it. He jumped off his bed and looked at Sirius, face stained with tear trails, and for all the hysteria that he showed through his body, when he spoke his voice was small and calm as if his heart wasn’t actually breaking.
“Because I’m attracted to you,” he said and walked swiftly out of the room, leaving Sirius, for the first time that he could think of, alone on the uncomfortable dance floor. He didn’t follow Remus out.
- - -
Because I’m attracted to you. Sirius ran the words through his head a dozen times and they never changed. It was always Remus’ voice and always the same words. Because I’m attracted to you.
He was shocked more than anything else. People might take it as being appalled, but he wasn’t. Not really. He wasn’t even that bothered by it, more the fact that it was Remus and Remus felt bad because of it. Sirius didn’t want him to feel bad-hated seeing his friends in situations like this where he couldn’t help, or worse, when it was he who had to fix it-but until he could figure out what to say without mucking things up worse, he decided that he should probably refrain from trying to say anything at all.
This, of course, was understood by Remus as Sirius being disgusted with him and Remus-being Remus-did not confront him or the others, but hid by himself more and more as the days turned into weeks. It got to the point where other people would notice and make comments to him, asking what was wrong with him or his friends that he was rarely ever seen apart from.
The good thing about being mates with more than one person, however, was that after a while someone would get fed up if two of the others were ruining things and would start taking care of the problem. And so in this case, James was the one who came to the rescue after the passing of two entire weeks and no sign of Remus.
Though it was unfortunate that James could be even less sympathetic than Sirius in some cases and this was certainly one of them, as Sirius had been locked inside the bed-hangings of James’ bed and thoroughly attacked with accusations.
“What the fuck is going on, Sirius? I can’t take this shite any longer. You’re going to talk and not give me any trouble or I’ll use bloody Veritaserum on you, alright?” James had accosted Sirius in a way that he compared to being very much like Mrs. Potter. He didn’t say that aloud for fear of being reprimanding by his friend at the moment, but did lodge it away to rib him about later in more appropriate circumstances.
“Remus is uncomfortable around me so he’s been avoiding me.” Sirius felt very stupid already, knowing he hadn’t actually told anyone what was going on yet and it would feel weird to tell James, who he knew would beat it out of him soon enough.
“What? Why would he be uncomfortable around you all of a sudden? What the hell did you do to him?” James looked slightly angry and Sirius, no matter how close he was to James, looked back at him in the same angry glare.
“I didn’t do a damned thing, Potter, and I don’t appreciate being accused of something when you’ve no fucking clue what’s going on.”
James’ mouth gaped a bit. He stared at his friend in shock of the harshness of Sirius’ voice which James nearly never, if ever at all, had pointed in his direction. He nodded stupidly. “Alright, mate, calm down. I just... well just bloody tell me what it is then. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
Sirius understood that, of course, but it was very easy to allow the moment to be used as collateral for stalling. That moment passed quick enough, though, as Sirius saw the confusion and desperation in his friend’s face. He sighed heavily, hand running through his mass of black hair, pushing it out of his face to where it just fell right back.
“He’s... he said he’s... a-attracted... attracted to m-me.” It seemed as if it were quite impossible for Sirius to have done a worse job cutting up that statement. He sounded like a bumbling first year, not a sixteen year old wizard who was admired by a good portion of his school for his charm, wit and looks.
James, however, reacted to this with the loudest bark of a laugh, which resulted in him spitting all over his mate’s face. Sirius growled and cast a cleaning charm and James struggled to compose himself. “Oh... oh get off it, Sirius. I’m trying to fix things here and I can’t do that if you’re going to say shite... shite like that...” he broke off into another fit of laughter.
Sirius was very taken aback by this reaction. “And why is that so funny to you, might I ask?”
“Well... well see I always had a feeling that Moony had a bit of an appetite for blokes, if you know what I mean, so that wouldn’t surprise me in the least, but for him to be attracted... attracted to you... the idea is completely absurd!” James bent over double, laughing and shaking like a hippogriff in heat.
It didn’t really occur to Sirius why he was so offended by James making fun of him in this way. Sirius was used to poufs having a look at him so the idea was not new, but being laughed at for considering it most certainly was. “Why do you bloody think that’s so impossible? That Moony would fancy me of all the filth in the world?” His voice was bordering accusing and James picked up on it, but didn’t right care at the moment.
“Because he’s Remus and you’re... you! If Moony was fancying a bloke it’d be someone like him, I think. Someone who could be sensitive and caring and not a giant, egotistical prick like you.”
And now Sirius was angry because James was calling him a liar and making him out to be someone not worthy of Remus, which was absolute shite. “Shut the fuck up, Potter. He told me himself that’s what it was and you are not the one that decides who Moony fancies anyroad. If he fancies me then he’s got good reason to and I don’t appreciate you acting like I’m not even bloody good enough for him to like!”
James finally stopped laughing. He was confused by the sincerity in Sirius’ voice. As if he was actually hurt that James would consider him not worth Remus’ fancy. James touched Sirius’ arm tentatively and Sirius jerked away from him.
“Sirius, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just... well you don’t even fancy blokes, Sirius! Why are you so brassed if I say you aren’t Moony’s type?”
“I don’t know. I might... I could fancy blokes. I never really gave it any thought but I... well I could... I could snog Remus and not mind it any...” It was the first time Sirius had ever approached the subject and was rather surprised to see that he meant what he was saying. He could see himself snogging Remus and it not bothering him. He might even like it and after all; he knew Remus so well that he wouldn’t have to worry about the awkwardness of getting to know someone emotionally as well as physically. Why hadn’t he thought of this before now?
James had snorted in quiet disbelief. “What? Sirius, are you saying you want to snog Moony?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe I am...”
“Sirius, are you even gay? Do you even fancy blokes?” James didn’t want to be lashed out at but he also didn’t want Sirius to do something he’d later regret.
“I don’t know. But it’s Moony... its Remus and I could fancy him no problem. I know him already so it wouldn’t be that awkward...”
“It wouldn’t? Are you sure? What if... look Sirius, I think when Remus says he’s attracted to you he doesn’t just mean meaningless snogging and shagging and we’ve all been friends so long and... well I don’t want something to go wrong, mate.”
Sirius knew what he meant, but he didn’t actually care at this time. He was feeling somewhat reckless for reasons beyond his comprehension and he was actually looking forward to attempting to snog Remus... to see what it would feel like and how he would feel doing it.
“I know James. We’ll talk about it, but right now I need to go find him and stop him from being such a prat about this. And you don’t worry about things, alright? We can work through it. You just go attach your lips to Evans-stick to what you are good at.” Sirius smirked at his friend and clapped him on the shoulder, then moved to get out of the bed when he realised the hangings were sealed.
“Oh sorry,” James fumbled, de-spelling the hangings so Sirius could amble out toward his goal. James hoped to Merlin that this didn’t backfire.
- - -
“Moony.”
The voice rang out for the third time, once again in a new tone that Remus would take time to notice if he wasn’t currently jumping out of his skin. The voice boomed low and loud through the door of the cupboard he was in. Yes, he was hiding in a cupboard along a random corridor which was supposed to be un-findable. He was apparently wrong.
So was Sirius done hating him? Finished being ashamed of having a shirt lifter for a best mate? How the bloody hell did he find him, anyhow? No, he probably wasn’t. He probably came to gloat. Remus would have none of that. He decided to stay quiet-pretend he wasn’t there. Maybe it was just an accident that Sirius found exactly where he was. Maybe he really had no idea that Remus was in there.
“Remus, I know you’re in there.”
Or not. “What do you want, Sirius?” He tried to conceal the waiver in his voice but probably did not succeed.
“I want in there. So either open the door or I’ll have to exert myself and do it on my own.” No, he didn’t want to see Sirius right now, but what choice did he have? Sirius was not going to go away. He never just went away.
With a sigh, Remus unlatched the door and opened it for Sirius, who promptly jumped in and slammed the door behind him as if he were being chased. Unfortunately the room was quite small and he ended up tripping over a bucket and went careening down into Remus. There was a yelp and a cry of “Sod!” and Remus was toppled off the crate he had been sitting on and was now flat on his arse with Sirius’ body perpendicular on top of his own.
Sirius moved quickly to get off of his friend. “Bloody hell, Remus, what are you doing in a broom closet?”
“It’s not a broom closet,” Remus retorted lamely and pushed himself to sit up with his hands. He leaned back against a cupboard, deserting his crate. Sirius copied him, leaning against the door.
“It is; it’s a broom closet. Look at the size. I had no idea or I wouldn’t have tried to join you so stealthily.”
“It’s a storage cupboard, Sirius,” Remus said, smiling slightly despite himself. He tried to hide it but Sirius was paying more attention these days.
“I bet that’s the first you’ve smiled in weeks, bloody recluse. Potter’s locked me in his bed threatening my life to get you out of hiding.” Sirius felt very nervous, which didn’t happen often and usually made him even more nervous for the sheer fact that he was nervous to begin with. He wiped his hands on his knees and held them there. “Hi, Moony,” he added, as if he’d just joined his friend.
Remus, feeling rather stupid, nodded. “Hi Padfoot.”
“You’ve been hiding from me then? Thought that I would blast your name about the school and run and hide when you showed your face around me?”
Remus shrugged, his face going pink. Sirius was in an awfully good mood which worried Remus. The way he was joking about this when it was a terribly serious matter.
“I figured you’d hate me for... for it.” It seemed like being truthful was really the best option right now and with Sirius’ high spirits it didn’t seem to be too much of a risk.
“Moony!” He looked aghast. “There is nothing you could do short of strangling me to death that would make me hate you. And if you were strangling me to save me from an unfortunate fate, like detention alongside Snivellus, then I wouldn’t even hate you then!” Sirius, it was obvious, was trying overly hard to joke around and be calm. He gave himself away with his slightly stammering voice and fidgeting hands.
“Sirius...”
“No, wait.” His hand ran through his hair nervously, messing it up more than it had been. He still looked amazing. He always looked amazing and Remus hated him for it. Remus hated Sirius for a lot of things that had everything to do with him loving Sirius so much.
“Moony, I’m not... mad. Or afraid or worried or whatever else you may think I am.” Sirius was a terrible at this.
“I don’t understand. What... are you then?” Which was, possibly and most likely, the stupidest question Remus had ever asked.
“I’m... I’m interested,” Sirius replied simply, watching Remus’ jaw as it seemed to hit the floor.
“Interested?” Remus croaked out, daring to question it even though he’d probably misheard or Sirius was in a grave relapse of judgment.
“Yes, interested. When I told Prongs-”
“You what?” Remus looked utterly afraid for his life.
“-he started making fun of me, saying you’d never be interested in someone like me-“
“Did you tell Peter too?”
“-and I thought, well maybe, if I’m getting this angry that Prongs says I’m not good enough for you, maybe... maybe I fancy... well I don’t think I fancy blokes really, but I think maybe I could fancy you. Or at least attempt to snog you and see if I like it or not-“
“Sirius, I’m not letting you snog me.”
“-then I’d know for sure whether I... what? What do you mean? Why not?”
“It’s not...” Remus sighed heavily and put his head in his hands. He wanted desperately to get up and leave but Sirius was blocking the door. Probably on purpose, the git.
“Sirius, it’s not about snogging. Well it is, partly yeah, but not all of it.”
Sirius jumped on this. He already knew this part. “I know! I know it’s not, Remus, I talked to James about that too and I understand. I-“
“Sirius, you can’t understand. You don’t like blokes. You never have. You’ve shagged practically-“
“I don’t. You’re right Moony, but that’s not the point. It doesn’t matter whether I like blokes or not, what matters is that I like you. And I do. I like you, Remus, I always have and I don’t think that snogging you or not snogging you is going to change it. I don’t think you fancying me to whatever degree you do can change it. It can’t. We’re best mates, Remus and I love you, in no matter what way, I love you and that’s what matters. That’s what is real and true and if I do fancy you or I don’t is not as important as having you around. We’re Marauders, Remus, Marauders and in the end, shagging or snogging each other or not, we’re together and always will be. You and me and James and Peter. Forever. Nothing can change that-certainly not you being a pouf, Remus.”
Sirius let out a long breath that he hadn’t realised was being held. Merlin, that was probably the most he’d ever said and he wasn’t even sure if it made any...
Remus launched himself at Sirius, sitting awkwardly over one of Sirius’ outstretched legs and hugging him tightly around the shoulders. Sirius, a bit taken aback but finally regaining his composure, wrapped his arms around Remus’ back and hugged him, his mouth getting Remus hairs in it as he did.
“I thought that it’d ruin things. I thought that you and the others would think I was trying to change things.” Remus was speaking into Sirius’ shoulder and he was pretty sure he felt tears.
Sirius laughed a bit. “On the contrary, my dear Moony, it’s only made it stronger... and possibly made me a new snogging partner which can’t be all that bad, can it?” Sirius was trying to lighten the mood but he was sincere in his words, no matter how goofy they may sound.
Remus, having been friends with Sirius for so long, knew this fully well. He pulled back some, still sitting on one of Sirius’ legs and looked at the other bloke. Sirius was completely sincere, his face even and smiling. Remus was completely terrified out of his mind and that was to be expected of course. But what hadn’t been expected was the possibility. He’d thought he’d be banned from the group and hated but he’d never thought in any of his wildest daydreams that Sirius would actually attempt something with him. And Remus, he knew it wasn’t something like a relationship, not belonging to each other and holding hands in the corridors and sending each other love-confessing notes, but if he thought about it, Remus knew that it wasn’t what he wanted anyway. He knew Sirius and he fancied Sirius and it wasn’t because he expected to be swept off his feet. Actually, Sirius was in no condition to sweep Remus off his feet as Remus was sitting on his legs.
“So...” Remus started, thinking he should be doing or saying something miraculous as Sirius had just done, but he was coming up short, as usual.
Sirius snorted, a smirk playing over his lips. “Course you’d be brave enough to tell me you fancy me but not brave enough to try snogging me, yeah?” Remus went rather pink and Sirius grinned further. “Alright, Moony, I get it. Just remember when you’re screaming out in ecstasy that the name is Sirius or Padfoot, alright?”
Remus opened his mouth to retort but Sirius was smarter than to let him speak, and closed his mouth over Remus’ open one, a rather perfect opportunity. The kiss itself was wet and slow and rather uncomfortable for the both of them, but the feeling in the air of the cupboard was wide and open-possibilities and knowledge and love swirled around in the mucky air and no matter the outcome of the arrangement that was forming, they both knew that little was going to change and that’s exactly how it was supposed to be.
- fin -
Author: burntotears
Fandom: Harry Potter (Marauder Era)
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: PG-13 (for language)
Disclaimer: Owned by JK and anyone else that is associated.
Stats: 5152 words
“Moony.”
There was a slight edge to the voice. After more than three years of consistent annoyance, Remus learned to ignore the call quite efficiently.
“Moooooooony.”
The voice was persisting. There was no way to escape it. Remus readjusted himself in his seat a bit, but continued to ignore it.
“Moony! Moony, Moony, Moony!” The voice was twittering like a canary around his head now, jumping about the area of his chair. It stood behind him, taunting. “Moony, can you hear me?”
He sighed. It was useless. He couldn’t stand this any longer. “It is impossible not to hear you, Sirius.” That would suffice. He kept his eyes on the page, still scanning the words as if not interrupted. It was amazing how he could read and pay attention to external forces at the same time.
“Because you love me?” The voice asked sweetly, like an innocent child.
“Because you’re obnoxious.” Remus replied and Sirius slouched, grunting in a pathetic way and taking his place back in front of Remus on the nearest chair.
“Moony, I need attention. Entertain me.” Sirius was demanding. It was his nature. Remus had always hated it. He still did. It made him want to wring Sirius’ neck and snog him senseless at the same time. These two conflicting ideas are what made him hate Sirius the most of it all-his ability to throw Remus into emotional chaos without even knowing he was. It was inhuman and unfair. Remus did not deserve it, which is what he told himself every day.
“You’ve two other able bodied friends to annoy, go bother them.” Remus’ eyes still hadn’t left the book.
Sirius, however, was not going to take this. He pulled the book from Remus’ reluctant grip. “Prongs has his face glued to Evans’ and Wormtail’s got studying to do to make sure he doesn’t flunk out of school. So you’re it, Moony.”
Remus snorted quietly. “I’m so glad to be at the bottom of your list, Sirius, honoured really. But I’m reading and contrary to the beliefs of all the birds in Hogwarts, you are not the center of the universe.”
Sirius looked taken aback by this comment and offended to boot. “Never said you were the bottom of the list, I was simply allotting you with the information of why I am bothering you. And you are most certainly wrong. The shirt lifters at Hogwarts believe I’m the center of the universe as well.”
Remus blushed pink, though only slightly. Sirius, luckily, was about as observant as one would be when speeding by in a train and did not notice.
“You are an enormous, arrogant prick, Sirius.”
Sirius seemed to take this as a grand compliment and beamed at his friend who tried to ignore him and snatch back the book that Sirius still clutched in his hands.
“Well yes, you are right, Moony. I do have quite an enormous prick.”
Remus grew slightly redder and finally caught the book in his fingers, tugging firmly, and stood up. “This conversation has expired.” Haughtily, he picked up his things, shoving the book back into his bag and slinging it over his shoulder.
“What? Who will I-”
“You’ve two other friends just like me to bug into submission, as I've already pointed out. Go see one of them.”
“But Moony...”
“Goodnight, Sirius.”
- - -
Fortunately there was a full moon approaching, something Remus rarely ever looked forward to. But this time, it was a surefire way to deliberately avoid Sirius and get away with it-and with a sufficient excuse.
That didn’t excuse him, however, of hanging about with Padfoot during the full moon. But as a wolf, there was not enough attachment to his human emotions to bother him that much after transformation. It’d just be like all the other times-aloof and quite pleased with having playmates.
And so Moony, whose head shot up as Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs entered the shack, yipped happily and greeted the animals with enthusiasm. Tonight they decided to play a simple-minded game they’d played many times before.
Prongs lowered his head to allow Wormtail to crawl onto his back and then Wormtail, the agile rat, hopped from one big animal’s back to the next. They would accommodate him, moving in closer or farther to make sure he didn’t fall onto the floor. They could play this game for hours, and did, until they bounded out of the house to take the grounds at large. They walked in the way that they did when in human form, letting all those who could see them know that they were together and they were solid. They were a unit, a group-Marauders.
Ambling through the tall grass in the midst of the forest, Moony howled happily and Padfoot barked as he barreled after Prongs, then turned back and licked Moony affectionately on the side of the face. Moony would not remember it in the morning as Remus, but Padfoot would remember it as Sirius. Therein lay the difference between the Animagus and the Werewolf.
- - -
Sirius let it go on long enough. He’d given Remus a week after the full moon, a very generous amount of time considering he usually didn’t get more than a day of sulking. But now, Sirius understood that the lack of Remus for what it was: his friend was avoiding him.
Well Sirius didn’t take these sorts of things lying down. Remus knew this, or at least he should have by now. So with an air of determination and annoyance which he tried to hide but failed miserably, Sirius cornered Remus up in the dormitories when the others were gone.
Remus was sitting on his bed, writing out something on parchment, possibly an essay as it seemed rather long but then he didn’t care. It was not as important as Sirius, is all he knew.
“Moony.”
When the voice uttered it this time, it was not playful or innocent. It was rough, full of hard emotion and annoyance. Remus could tell from the voice that it was serious. He set down his quill and looked up at the other bloke.
“Yes?”
Sirius stared at him for a while, drinking in his appearance. He didn’t much like seeing Remus after the full moon, but then he looked loads better than the day after. But right now, Sirius didn’t feel sorry for Remus; he was angry with Remus.
The bloke answered his call like he was calm and collected but he had no right to be. Sirius was supposed to be the calm and collected one here. But of course, now that he’d seen Remus and Remus had spoken, Sirius lost his temper. Just like that. It was always just like that.
“What do you mean, ‘yes’? You’ve been avoiding me, Moony and I want to know why. I brassed you off by talking about my prick?” That had been the time Remus had been harsh with him and it was the only thing that seemed to connect inside his mind as a reason for avoidance.
Remus shook his head and looked at his writing on the parchment in front of him instead of at Sirius’ face. “No, you didn’t... no that’s not it at all, Sirius.”
“It’s not? Alright, that’s a relief, let me mark that off of the list of millions of possibilities and we can go to the next one.” He growled in frustration, arms thrown in the air. He dropped down on the four-poster next to Remus’ (James’ bed) and leaned forward, arms rested on his thighs. It was obvious to Remus now, that he was becoming impatient about this, which meant no good would come of the approaching conversation.
“I can’t bloody well guess what’s the matter, Remus, so it’d be rather helpful if you’d bloody tell me already.”
Remus shook his head again and didn’t speak, which he knew by now that Sirius hated more than most anything, especially when he was being serious about something.
“Don’t fucking start that with me, Remus. Are you still miffed about Snape? I thought that was bloody over already.”
“It is over, Sirius. It’s not... I forgave you for that.”
“Yeah you bloody well did. So why are you avoiding me?” Sirius didn’t want to bull shit and Remus knew it. When Sirius got angry like this he wanted straight answers and he wanted them handed to him exactly how he wanted them and Remus never did oblige and Sirius always reacted the same way. It was the jerky, unusual dance they always did. Sirius always stormed off the dance floor leaving Remus on the floor, alone, staring after him but not following. Remus never followed him.
“I’m not... sure.” Remus wringed his hands together, eyes fixated on them completely, not even taking the chance to look at Sirius. He knew better.
Sirius snorted angrily. “You aren’t sure? You got the random feeling that avoiding me would be a good bout of fun and so you started doing it? Why me? Why not James or Peter? What the fuck, Remus?” He hadn’t left yet, but Remus could feel that he would be soon. It radiated off his skin.
Remus sighed. He felt his eyes stinging and hated himself for it. It made him feel even worse than Sirius yelling at him did. “I don’t know how to explain it, Sirius. I don’t really understand it.”
“What? What does that even mean? You don’t understand why you avoid me? You don’t know why you are doing it, but you still feel the need to do it?”
“I’m uncomfortable around you.” Remus blurted it out without even meaning to. He hated making Sirius angry and especially because of this reason, which he was certainly not looking to disclose.
“You’re what?” Sirius’ voice raised about five octaves and he sounded as if his voice was breaking for a second time since they’d passed puberty long before. “Why in Merlin’s name would you be uncomfortable around me, Remus? What in the bloody hell did I do to make you feel that way?”
Remus felt extremely small. Never in his friendship with Sirius or the others had he felt this small while talking to them. But this secret, this feeling he’d been carrying for the past few weeks was wearing him down. With the changes and the Prefect duties and his class work-this secret just felt like the one thing on the top of the pile that was finally breaking him in two.
“You didn’t do anything, Sirius, it’s me.”
Sirius did not realise how defeated Remus sounded, because the anger was blazing so fierce inside him that he was easily blinded to everything else. “You? You’re making yourself uncomfortable around me and so you are avoiding me?”
His voice faltered slightly. Just as the anger had risen, it was dying down inside of him. Sirius was like that. He could change his mood on a whim and now he was. His tone didn’t sound defeated so much as pleading. He wanted this conversation to be over already and he wanted things back to normal and he just wanted a bloody nap. “Remus, I’m repeating this just as you’re saying it and it sounds about as nutty as a story Peter would come up with. What are you on about, honestly? Why are you suddenly lying to me?”
Remus could take the anger, the yelling, but he couldn’t take the pleading. Sirius never pleaded. It just wasn’t a part of who he was. And now here he was, sitting on James’ bed and asking Remus to be honest with him in a voice Remus had never heard on him before.
So Remus broke, fast and easy. He felt like a child whose favorite pet just died and was having to bury it. He jumped off his bed and looked at Sirius, face stained with tear trails, and for all the hysteria that he showed through his body, when he spoke his voice was small and calm as if his heart wasn’t actually breaking.
“Because I’m attracted to you,” he said and walked swiftly out of the room, leaving Sirius, for the first time that he could think of, alone on the uncomfortable dance floor. He didn’t follow Remus out.
- - -
Because I’m attracted to you. Sirius ran the words through his head a dozen times and they never changed. It was always Remus’ voice and always the same words. Because I’m attracted to you.
He was shocked more than anything else. People might take it as being appalled, but he wasn’t. Not really. He wasn’t even that bothered by it, more the fact that it was Remus and Remus felt bad because of it. Sirius didn’t want him to feel bad-hated seeing his friends in situations like this where he couldn’t help, or worse, when it was he who had to fix it-but until he could figure out what to say without mucking things up worse, he decided that he should probably refrain from trying to say anything at all.
This, of course, was understood by Remus as Sirius being disgusted with him and Remus-being Remus-did not confront him or the others, but hid by himself more and more as the days turned into weeks. It got to the point where other people would notice and make comments to him, asking what was wrong with him or his friends that he was rarely ever seen apart from.
The good thing about being mates with more than one person, however, was that after a while someone would get fed up if two of the others were ruining things and would start taking care of the problem. And so in this case, James was the one who came to the rescue after the passing of two entire weeks and no sign of Remus.
Though it was unfortunate that James could be even less sympathetic than Sirius in some cases and this was certainly one of them, as Sirius had been locked inside the bed-hangings of James’ bed and thoroughly attacked with accusations.
“What the fuck is going on, Sirius? I can’t take this shite any longer. You’re going to talk and not give me any trouble or I’ll use bloody Veritaserum on you, alright?” James had accosted Sirius in a way that he compared to being very much like Mrs. Potter. He didn’t say that aloud for fear of being reprimanding by his friend at the moment, but did lodge it away to rib him about later in more appropriate circumstances.
“Remus is uncomfortable around me so he’s been avoiding me.” Sirius felt very stupid already, knowing he hadn’t actually told anyone what was going on yet and it would feel weird to tell James, who he knew would beat it out of him soon enough.
“What? Why would he be uncomfortable around you all of a sudden? What the hell did you do to him?” James looked slightly angry and Sirius, no matter how close he was to James, looked back at him in the same angry glare.
“I didn’t do a damned thing, Potter, and I don’t appreciate being accused of something when you’ve no fucking clue what’s going on.”
James’ mouth gaped a bit. He stared at his friend in shock of the harshness of Sirius’ voice which James nearly never, if ever at all, had pointed in his direction. He nodded stupidly. “Alright, mate, calm down. I just... well just bloody tell me what it is then. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
Sirius understood that, of course, but it was very easy to allow the moment to be used as collateral for stalling. That moment passed quick enough, though, as Sirius saw the confusion and desperation in his friend’s face. He sighed heavily, hand running through his mass of black hair, pushing it out of his face to where it just fell right back.
“He’s... he said he’s... a-attracted... attracted to m-me.” It seemed as if it were quite impossible for Sirius to have done a worse job cutting up that statement. He sounded like a bumbling first year, not a sixteen year old wizard who was admired by a good portion of his school for his charm, wit and looks.
James, however, reacted to this with the loudest bark of a laugh, which resulted in him spitting all over his mate’s face. Sirius growled and cast a cleaning charm and James struggled to compose himself. “Oh... oh get off it, Sirius. I’m trying to fix things here and I can’t do that if you’re going to say shite... shite like that...” he broke off into another fit of laughter.
Sirius was very taken aback by this reaction. “And why is that so funny to you, might I ask?”
“Well... well see I always had a feeling that Moony had a bit of an appetite for blokes, if you know what I mean, so that wouldn’t surprise me in the least, but for him to be attracted... attracted to you... the idea is completely absurd!” James bent over double, laughing and shaking like a hippogriff in heat.
It didn’t really occur to Sirius why he was so offended by James making fun of him in this way. Sirius was used to poufs having a look at him so the idea was not new, but being laughed at for considering it most certainly was. “Why do you bloody think that’s so impossible? That Moony would fancy me of all the filth in the world?” His voice was bordering accusing and James picked up on it, but didn’t right care at the moment.
“Because he’s Remus and you’re... you! If Moony was fancying a bloke it’d be someone like him, I think. Someone who could be sensitive and caring and not a giant, egotistical prick like you.”
And now Sirius was angry because James was calling him a liar and making him out to be someone not worthy of Remus, which was absolute shite. “Shut the fuck up, Potter. He told me himself that’s what it was and you are not the one that decides who Moony fancies anyroad. If he fancies me then he’s got good reason to and I don’t appreciate you acting like I’m not even bloody good enough for him to like!”
James finally stopped laughing. He was confused by the sincerity in Sirius’ voice. As if he was actually hurt that James would consider him not worth Remus’ fancy. James touched Sirius’ arm tentatively and Sirius jerked away from him.
“Sirius, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just... well you don’t even fancy blokes, Sirius! Why are you so brassed if I say you aren’t Moony’s type?”
“I don’t know. I might... I could fancy blokes. I never really gave it any thought but I... well I could... I could snog Remus and not mind it any...” It was the first time Sirius had ever approached the subject and was rather surprised to see that he meant what he was saying. He could see himself snogging Remus and it not bothering him. He might even like it and after all; he knew Remus so well that he wouldn’t have to worry about the awkwardness of getting to know someone emotionally as well as physically. Why hadn’t he thought of this before now?
James had snorted in quiet disbelief. “What? Sirius, are you saying you want to snog Moony?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe I am...”
“Sirius, are you even gay? Do you even fancy blokes?” James didn’t want to be lashed out at but he also didn’t want Sirius to do something he’d later regret.
“I don’t know. But it’s Moony... its Remus and I could fancy him no problem. I know him already so it wouldn’t be that awkward...”
“It wouldn’t? Are you sure? What if... look Sirius, I think when Remus says he’s attracted to you he doesn’t just mean meaningless snogging and shagging and we’ve all been friends so long and... well I don’t want something to go wrong, mate.”
Sirius knew what he meant, but he didn’t actually care at this time. He was feeling somewhat reckless for reasons beyond his comprehension and he was actually looking forward to attempting to snog Remus... to see what it would feel like and how he would feel doing it.
“I know James. We’ll talk about it, but right now I need to go find him and stop him from being such a prat about this. And you don’t worry about things, alright? We can work through it. You just go attach your lips to Evans-stick to what you are good at.” Sirius smirked at his friend and clapped him on the shoulder, then moved to get out of the bed when he realised the hangings were sealed.
“Oh sorry,” James fumbled, de-spelling the hangings so Sirius could amble out toward his goal. James hoped to Merlin that this didn’t backfire.
- - -
“Moony.”
The voice rang out for the third time, once again in a new tone that Remus would take time to notice if he wasn’t currently jumping out of his skin. The voice boomed low and loud through the door of the cupboard he was in. Yes, he was hiding in a cupboard along a random corridor which was supposed to be un-findable. He was apparently wrong.
So was Sirius done hating him? Finished being ashamed of having a shirt lifter for a best mate? How the bloody hell did he find him, anyhow? No, he probably wasn’t. He probably came to gloat. Remus would have none of that. He decided to stay quiet-pretend he wasn’t there. Maybe it was just an accident that Sirius found exactly where he was. Maybe he really had no idea that Remus was in there.
“Remus, I know you’re in there.”
Or not. “What do you want, Sirius?” He tried to conceal the waiver in his voice but probably did not succeed.
“I want in there. So either open the door or I’ll have to exert myself and do it on my own.” No, he didn’t want to see Sirius right now, but what choice did he have? Sirius was not going to go away. He never just went away.
With a sigh, Remus unlatched the door and opened it for Sirius, who promptly jumped in and slammed the door behind him as if he were being chased. Unfortunately the room was quite small and he ended up tripping over a bucket and went careening down into Remus. There was a yelp and a cry of “Sod!” and Remus was toppled off the crate he had been sitting on and was now flat on his arse with Sirius’ body perpendicular on top of his own.
Sirius moved quickly to get off of his friend. “Bloody hell, Remus, what are you doing in a broom closet?”
“It’s not a broom closet,” Remus retorted lamely and pushed himself to sit up with his hands. He leaned back against a cupboard, deserting his crate. Sirius copied him, leaning against the door.
“It is; it’s a broom closet. Look at the size. I had no idea or I wouldn’t have tried to join you so stealthily.”
“It’s a storage cupboard, Sirius,” Remus said, smiling slightly despite himself. He tried to hide it but Sirius was paying more attention these days.
“I bet that’s the first you’ve smiled in weeks, bloody recluse. Potter’s locked me in his bed threatening my life to get you out of hiding.” Sirius felt very nervous, which didn’t happen often and usually made him even more nervous for the sheer fact that he was nervous to begin with. He wiped his hands on his knees and held them there. “Hi, Moony,” he added, as if he’d just joined his friend.
Remus, feeling rather stupid, nodded. “Hi Padfoot.”
“You’ve been hiding from me then? Thought that I would blast your name about the school and run and hide when you showed your face around me?”
Remus shrugged, his face going pink. Sirius was in an awfully good mood which worried Remus. The way he was joking about this when it was a terribly serious matter.
“I figured you’d hate me for... for it.” It seemed like being truthful was really the best option right now and with Sirius’ high spirits it didn’t seem to be too much of a risk.
“Moony!” He looked aghast. “There is nothing you could do short of strangling me to death that would make me hate you. And if you were strangling me to save me from an unfortunate fate, like detention alongside Snivellus, then I wouldn’t even hate you then!” Sirius, it was obvious, was trying overly hard to joke around and be calm. He gave himself away with his slightly stammering voice and fidgeting hands.
“Sirius...”
“No, wait.” His hand ran through his hair nervously, messing it up more than it had been. He still looked amazing. He always looked amazing and Remus hated him for it. Remus hated Sirius for a lot of things that had everything to do with him loving Sirius so much.
“Moony, I’m not... mad. Or afraid or worried or whatever else you may think I am.” Sirius was a terrible at this.
“I don’t understand. What... are you then?” Which was, possibly and most likely, the stupidest question Remus had ever asked.
“I’m... I’m interested,” Sirius replied simply, watching Remus’ jaw as it seemed to hit the floor.
“Interested?” Remus croaked out, daring to question it even though he’d probably misheard or Sirius was in a grave relapse of judgment.
“Yes, interested. When I told Prongs-”
“You what?” Remus looked utterly afraid for his life.
“-he started making fun of me, saying you’d never be interested in someone like me-“
“Did you tell Peter too?”
“-and I thought, well maybe, if I’m getting this angry that Prongs says I’m not good enough for you, maybe... maybe I fancy... well I don’t think I fancy blokes really, but I think maybe I could fancy you. Or at least attempt to snog you and see if I like it or not-“
“Sirius, I’m not letting you snog me.”
“-then I’d know for sure whether I... what? What do you mean? Why not?”
“It’s not...” Remus sighed heavily and put his head in his hands. He wanted desperately to get up and leave but Sirius was blocking the door. Probably on purpose, the git.
“Sirius, it’s not about snogging. Well it is, partly yeah, but not all of it.”
Sirius jumped on this. He already knew this part. “I know! I know it’s not, Remus, I talked to James about that too and I understand. I-“
“Sirius, you can’t understand. You don’t like blokes. You never have. You’ve shagged practically-“
“I don’t. You’re right Moony, but that’s not the point. It doesn’t matter whether I like blokes or not, what matters is that I like you. And I do. I like you, Remus, I always have and I don’t think that snogging you or not snogging you is going to change it. I don’t think you fancying me to whatever degree you do can change it. It can’t. We’re best mates, Remus and I love you, in no matter what way, I love you and that’s what matters. That’s what is real and true and if I do fancy you or I don’t is not as important as having you around. We’re Marauders, Remus, Marauders and in the end, shagging or snogging each other or not, we’re together and always will be. You and me and James and Peter. Forever. Nothing can change that-certainly not you being a pouf, Remus.”
Sirius let out a long breath that he hadn’t realised was being held. Merlin, that was probably the most he’d ever said and he wasn’t even sure if it made any...
Remus launched himself at Sirius, sitting awkwardly over one of Sirius’ outstretched legs and hugging him tightly around the shoulders. Sirius, a bit taken aback but finally regaining his composure, wrapped his arms around Remus’ back and hugged him, his mouth getting Remus hairs in it as he did.
“I thought that it’d ruin things. I thought that you and the others would think I was trying to change things.” Remus was speaking into Sirius’ shoulder and he was pretty sure he felt tears.
Sirius laughed a bit. “On the contrary, my dear Moony, it’s only made it stronger... and possibly made me a new snogging partner which can’t be all that bad, can it?” Sirius was trying to lighten the mood but he was sincere in his words, no matter how goofy they may sound.
Remus, having been friends with Sirius for so long, knew this fully well. He pulled back some, still sitting on one of Sirius’ legs and looked at the other bloke. Sirius was completely sincere, his face even and smiling. Remus was completely terrified out of his mind and that was to be expected of course. But what hadn’t been expected was the possibility. He’d thought he’d be banned from the group and hated but he’d never thought in any of his wildest daydreams that Sirius would actually attempt something with him. And Remus, he knew it wasn’t something like a relationship, not belonging to each other and holding hands in the corridors and sending each other love-confessing notes, but if he thought about it, Remus knew that it wasn’t what he wanted anyway. He knew Sirius and he fancied Sirius and it wasn’t because he expected to be swept off his feet. Actually, Sirius was in no condition to sweep Remus off his feet as Remus was sitting on his legs.
“So...” Remus started, thinking he should be doing or saying something miraculous as Sirius had just done, but he was coming up short, as usual.
Sirius snorted, a smirk playing over his lips. “Course you’d be brave enough to tell me you fancy me but not brave enough to try snogging me, yeah?” Remus went rather pink and Sirius grinned further. “Alright, Moony, I get it. Just remember when you’re screaming out in ecstasy that the name is Sirius or Padfoot, alright?”
Remus opened his mouth to retort but Sirius was smarter than to let him speak, and closed his mouth over Remus’ open one, a rather perfect opportunity. The kiss itself was wet and slow and rather uncomfortable for the both of them, but the feeling in the air of the cupboard was wide and open-possibilities and knowledge and love swirled around in the mucky air and no matter the outcome of the arrangement that was forming, they both knew that little was going to change and that’s exactly how it was supposed to be.
- fin -