i don't have a title
I wanted to avoid the whole affair of Mother's Day, but it's everywhere on TV and online too. It's not helping that I went to bed at five in the morning and then got up a few hours later to have twitter conversations when I should be sleeping. I appreciate you for putting up with me, Katie. I'm sorry that I missed you at the door. After I got offline at eleven, I fell back to sleep very quickly.
I hate being a motherless daughter during Mother's day. I can't even say "motherless daughter" aloud without bursting into tears. Being able to type it is some new development. I am doing a lot of feeling sorry for myself and isolating. I'm quite proficient at isolating myself, focusing on the differences instead of the similarities of being a motherless daughter, for example. I have four friends (three whom I haven't spoken with in ages) who are motherless daughters. Two, who are my age, are married with kids. One is a little younger, isn't married, and is studying for her bar example (she's the closest to my position). The other wasn't close to her mom. I figure all are better off than me because 1. the two have their husbands and kids to focus on and the another wasn't close to her mom anyway, and all of them lost their moms more than a year ago. They all have a better handle with coping with Mother's day than I do, as does an online friend of mine who is a motherless daughter too. I think that's all of my friends who I know don't have their mom anymore. So really, it boils down to me having some desire to be in my own space and separate.
Actually, this isn't completely true. I keep thinking of Elizabeth Edwards's daughter Cate (born in 1982) and Lis Sladen's daughter Sadie (born in 1985). Both young women are within five years of me and lost their moms this year too, and by the sound of it were super close to them as well. Upon hearing of their mothers' passing, I had a desire to reach out to Cate and then to Sadie. I never did, but from afar I did feel a kinship to them. All three of us saw our mothers hurting for a long time and none of us had the power to do anything about it. I did what I could by calling my mom's doctors and nurses on the spot when I thought they were missing something or when I needed to understand something better. I was the one who was on top of all that. I think that was kind of a distraction and a comfort for me.
I feel like the fact that I am not ready for being a motherless daughter should somehow affect the situation. After my mom first passed away, I was feeling like something extraordinary and different had happened to her. People die every day, but the difference was that it was my mom who died. I still don't feel emotionally ready for this. I don't want to face this. I don't want to be alone, and in fact I'm tired of being that way--which is why I am writing at all. My mom held many people together. I count four, five counting a childhood friend of mine whose life had been changed my mom, not to mention the people's lives she touched, some of whom were friends and some of whom were strangers. My mom is the best person I have ever known and it's a tragedy that she isn't here anymore. I owe everything to her. I owe the way that I look and experience the world to her.
She couldn't raise me under any one spirituality, but encouraged me to discover what I believe. Her belief in God was amazing. I haven't met anybody who believed so much, and yet held such an open mind. Either I find people who believe but have doubts, people who don't believe in anything, or people who believe but are into one religion. The hardest part is having a dad who says that he'll believe in God when God comes down and shows himself to my dad. He's waiting for Mom to give him a direct sign, too--because if there was to be anybody who would, it would be my mom, but he hasn't seen any. I'm wondering if he doesn't know what to look for and then I wonder if he's right. I would use my mom's experiences as validation of there being a God and an afterlife. She had a couple near-death experiences. Now I have to rely on myself and I hate that. I say that I have a problem with trusting people and I think this is one time it really comes out. I'm afraid of trusting people because I don't want to be let down. I could talk to my mom about anything and I knew I could trust her completely. Things were always interesting and thought-provoking from my mom. I can talk to my dad about many things, but because he's more skeptical and more closed off, I don't feel like I can talk to him the same way. The lack of a spiritual and psychological adviser has been the most difficult for me. I guess when she was ill I was able to accept not being able to talk with her as much as I wanted, but I could still talk with her when she was capable of speaking (the whole problem with the valve for her trach that they wouldn't let her use when her oxygen concentration was down). My dad told me that he doesn't trust therapists or psychologists and would never talk to one. I wouldn't trust one that I didn't know anything about, but there are a couple I like...well, one (my mom's former therapist) is retired and the other one (who my mom knew of) is my creativity coach. Though at 80 bucks a pop, I'm not consulting her like I was cause I would rather my money go to stuff like Comic Con right now.
I haven't thought about the long-term of my desire to talk about spiritual and psychological stuff. Right now, I guess I am digging deep for the power within, cause that's the only way I can get along with that stuff right now. I have gone to church a few times with my friend Kristen. I like open-minded Christians, the ones who don't stop dead in their tracks when I tell them that I'm not Christian. Cause there was one at her church who reacted that way to me. I don't want that. My belief is people need to find the way that works best for them and I expect people to accept that I believe this and not try to change my mind. I accept their beliefs as well. What works for them is good and what works for me is good.
I got to talk to Kristen's associate (I think? I'm not sure what his title is) pastor and he was a cool guy. He liked how I was looking around his office from where I was standing. I have this tendency of when I step into a room to look at the details. I always look at what pictures are on the wall, if there are nicknacks, and the books. You learn a lot about a person by seeing what they are interested in reading. And his office was really richly detailed. Generally, people don't call me on this, so this earned him points in my book. I could continue going back to her church and talking to the people there. I mean, I am a spiritual seeker. I want to find the best way for me in this universe. Kristen and I went to see her former pastor, turned Christian rock star (Jake Hamilton) at a local church and I really didn't like the vibe I got there compared to her church. The main pastor there seemed too evangelist to me and I don't like that tone. I don't like being talked down to. I prefer people who invite response from the people they are talking to.
So back to Mother's day. I don't feel ready to celebrate my mom and her life yet. I am still internalizing things, still working things out. I'm better than I was, but I still have so much to do. I have an art project that I am working on with a friend of mine and the nature of it...well, I didn't think about how much emotional work I would be doing. It is helping, but there's just a lot of other work for me to do too. Trying to figure this all out.
I'd like there to be a local group of motherless daughters. I need to bounce things off people and I need people who are like me, aren't married, don't have kids, are in their late twenties-early thirties, and were close to their moms. I was checking meetup.com and I found a group that is for women whose moms are in jail. I don't think about this when I think about motherless daughters, but I guess it works. But seeing this group, and only this group, made me angry. Where are the people who are like me in this area? Surely there are women who are facing the same things that I am.