[fic post] As Evening Fades
Title: As Evening Fades
Genre: Drama/Angst
Characters/Pairings: Genma/Raidou, Gaara, Anko, Iruka, Hinata
Summary: No matter the justifications, the memory of a wrong deed will lie heavy on the mind of a good man.
Warning/Notes: Set in the Achluophobia universe. Dark, mentions of character death. Thank you gift for yuzora.
Final Word Count: 7,916
It was cool this morning, Raidou noted, a breeze in the air that carried the scent of rain. Yet there was a hint of warmth in there as well, reminding him that it was spring now, that summer was not so far away. Soon, the dew on the balcony, the garden glistening below in the mid-morning light would no longer be possible. But for now, it entranced him.
“You are sad,” a voice said suddenly.
Startled slightly, Raidou turned to the red haired boy seated next to him with a curious look. “Not really. Not any more than most.”
The boy tilted his head slightly, studying Raidou with flat eyes. “Your friend... the one I saw, the one you talked to. They said he is dead. Is this why you are sad?”
Raidou's breath caught. “Already?"
"Yes. I heard Uzumaki's guards talking about it this morning. It happened before dawn."
Raidou looked away. He could feel the boy's eyes on him, but he ignored it.
Finally, he felt the eyes move away. "You... did not know?" The voice was hesitant, young. Raidou could remember being young, but it felt a lifetime away.
"No," he heard himself say. "I had not."
"I... am sorry for your loss."
He looked back at the boy in surprise.
The young man looked unsure. "I heard my sister say that once, to someone who's friend had died. I thought I should... I did not offend?"
Raidou smiled softly. "You did not. Thank you."
He looked, for a brief moment, relieved. But then his brows furrowed. "But there is something I do not understand. Why did he have to die? Didn't he have permission?"
"He did not have permission, Gaara-kun. He decided to see Uzumaki-kun on his own."
"Mitarashi-san did not have permission, that one time, but he did not kill her."
Anko probably wished he had settled for killing her, Raidou thought darkly. Probably envies Iruka's fate. "Umino-san is... was not loyal to Orochimaru-sama."
"Oh... a rebel?"
"Yes."
Gaara was silent, staring thoughtfully at the shinobi guards below. "You spoke with him. You should not have, then." The boy looked at him, and this time Raidou could discern the curiosity in his gaze.
"No, but.. he was trying to do the right thing. He was always a good man," Raidou said, feeling as if he had to defend his actions, though he knew Gaara would not know the extent of them.
There was a pause before the boy responded, the curiosity in his gaze transforming into something Raidou didn't understand. “You say that of all the men who have died. I... If they are such good people, why are they dead?”
Raidou was silent, watching the boy.
“And what does that make you?” The redhead continued.
Raidou again said nothing. There had been no malice in that question, no accusation. Yet he felt it, all the same. He looked away.
There was a hand on his arm suddenly, and Raidou looked down at it in surprise, before following it to Gaara himself. The boy's gaze had changed again, this time to something like regret. “I... am sorry. I did not want to offend you. But I am confused.”
Raidou sighed, and chanced a smile at the boy. It felt forced. “There are many things, Gaara-kun, that still confuse me. I wish I had more answers for you.”
Gaara frowned. "I think you are lying. I think you know what they are."
Raidou laughed softly. "I thought I knew what they were," he said. "But I lost that too."
Raidou started when the hand on his arm suddenly gripped him. "I think you are a good man. But you are trapped. Like I am."
Raidou starred at him.
"I will not be trapped one day."
"You always say that," Raidou said, a bittersweet smile twisting his lips.
"I will not be," Gaara said firmly. "Uzumaki Naruto has not given up; I hear him in the night. If he does not, I will not. I can be no less than him."
"And if he should?" Raidou asked softly, still keenly aware of the hand on his arm, the way it gripped and relaxed every few seconds. He placed his own hand over it.
It was a moment before Gaara answered. "He will not."
There was silence between them after that, but it was comfortable, and Raidou was content to let it be.
He was not surprised that Gaara used the Uzumaki kid as a way of measuring himself. The two jinchuuriki had been drawn to each other even before the invasion, Raidou knew. What had surprised him was that they had been kept so close to each other. Had it simply been for expediency, or had Orochimaru knew about the bond that had formed between them, and placed them near each other in the hope that the knowledge of what they both suffered would break them faster? Unlikely that Orochimaru had known, but if the latter was indeed true, it had certainly worked in the case of Sabaku no Gaara.
The prison for the jinchuuriki had been constructed in the Hyuuga compound shortly after Orochimaru's victory. His triumph that day had become even greater when it was learned that his shinobi had managed to capture the Konoha jinchuuriki. He had kept the boy sedated until he had found a way of keeping him subdued while conscious. This had ended up being a warded room, which was made accessible to very few. No one was sure how he did it, but inside of the room, instead of dampening the influence, he had managed to completely block it. Uzumaki had had no way of communicating with the demon inside.
And then had come the day when Orochimaru had decided he no longer needed the Sand, and had taken their jinchuuriki as well.
Raidou did not know how long Gaara had been down there before he had been made his guard. He did not know when the Sand had become their enemy.
"The Uchiha was down there again last night," Gaara said suddenly.
Startled out of his thoughts, Raidou frowned. "He's not supposed to be anywhere near him."
Gaara shrugged, his eyes following the movement of shinobi in the garden. "I do not think he cares for his restrictions. He was listening through the walls." He paused, tilting his head again, as if listening to something himself. "He is like you, I think."
"What do you mean?"
"He is trapped by the people he cares for," Gaara said.
Raidou stared at him, surprised, and unsure how to react.
But the redhead was no longer looking at him; his focus had switched to something below. Looking down himself, Raidou saw that Hyuuga Hinata had come out for her morning walk. She was early, and he fought against the scowl he knew must be forming on his face.
She was one of four high profile prisoners here, that Raidou was aware of. While Raidou did not know the fates of Gaara's siblings, he did know that all of the Hyuuga main house, save Hinata and her sister, had been taken care of. He still wasn't sure why, or what made her so high profile. He remembered when she was still below in the detention level, like Gaara and the Uzumaki kid; he had passed by with Gaara often enough. But not even a month ago, she had been moved. He didn't know why.
"She should not be out here," Gaara murmured. He was staring at her, watching her, as if she were some sort of strange new animal. He had always been curious about her. And Raidou could see where Anko stood, hidden in the shadows, making sure her charge did not try to leave. He could also see how the other shinobi watched them both.
He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose in annoyance. Gaara still had another half hour on the balcony, but his orders were to make sure his charge interacted with none of them. So he stood, as much as he wished he could just remain out with the boy. "It's time, Gaara-kun. I must escort you back now."
Gaara looked at him, and though nothing in his face changed, Raidou knew he did not want to leave.
He hesitated at that look, his gaze turning to the girl who, even now, was sitting down on a bench, exhaustion written in her every line. And suddenly, he felt something snap. He was furious at her, for still suffering, even though she no longer had to be locked up down below, while his own charge was allowed barely an hour a day of light and fresh air before he was forced back into the dark and gloom, with no one to speak to but himself and the ramblings of a jinchuuriki that went more mad with each passing day... and that made him think of Iruka, and suddenly there was a gap in his chest where his heart should be, and it scared him.
Damn Anko, and damn the Hyuuga girl, too. Gaara would not pay for their mistake. "I suppose a few more minutes wouldn't hurt," Raidou said, sitting back down.
Below them, Hinata basked in the sun.
~*~
It was only after the sun had set that he heard the click of the door, and the familiar steps in the entry hall. A soft thump on the floor, of shoes hitting the ground, and Raidou could almost imagine the other man's shuttered expression, the slump in his shoulders as his ears followed the ever increasing sound of shuffling down the hallway.
He looked away from the window when the other man entered the kitchen, his eyes taking a moment to catalog his appearance. A couple new tears in the jacket, a new bruise on his cheek. The same exhaustion. He jerked his chin in the direction of a covered plate, resting on a table setting directly across from him. Genma nodded and removed his bandana before sitting down.
He did not look towards Raidou as he ate, but rather, his eyes drifted towards the window. The moonlight that illuminated the room did not favor him, highlighting the bags under his eyes, the lines in his face, the minute grey in his hair.
No attempt was made to turn on the light, content as they were to sit under the faint rays of the moon. There was no conversation, no sound except the beating of the wind against the window, the drops of water echoing off of the kitchen sink. Raidou waited for him to finish, waited in the darkness and the silence. He wasn't sure, anymore, which one of them insisted on it the most.
Finally, there was the click of his chopsticks coming to rest on the table, and he looked up at Raidou.
"Umino Iruka was executed today," he said.
Raidou sighed. "He was a good man."
"You don't seem surprised," Genma said. The statement was neither curious or accusatory, and it was a moment before Raidou spoke again.
"It's spread like wildfire in the compound, it didn't take me long to find out. I knew he could be foolish, but I had hoped he was wiser than this."
Genma shrugged before pushing himself away from the table. "He was sentimental. It always gets people in the end."
Raidou said nothing as the other man rounded up his dish and utensils and brought them to the sink. He only watched.
Genma turned on the faucet before pausing. “Sometimes it will make people do things we would rather not. Could you turn on the light?”
Raidou stood. “If I must.. though you understand, I do this only for sentiment of you.”
Genma chuckled softly, and Raidou felt himself smile a little. A small joke, at the expense of a good man... but it had been worth it to see the lessening of tension in the other man's shoulders, to see him straighten up just a little bit more. And it loosened something in him.
The sudden light in the kitchen made him wince, but it seemed to work like some sort of magic on Genma - the tension completely disappeared from him, and he looked over to Raidou with a smile. “So, enough about my day. How was yours?”
Raidou smiled back, even as he joined the other man at the sink. He gaze trailed down to the jounin's hands, and he admired the way they moved, and was thankful they could still be like this.
It hadn't been quite eight months since the invasion, though it felt as if it had been a lifetime ago. He and Genma had been captured, and then given a choice: death, or service to the invader. Genma had been half delirious from his wounds, screaming that he would rather die, and Raidou had been afraid for him. Afraid of losing him, even though they would have died together. So he chose for them both - service.
They had took Genma away from him then, to be healed. Dragged him away from Raidou, dragged him away struggling and uttering curses about them, about Raidou. And Raidou stood there. It was the hardest thing he had ever done. It was a month before they were allowed to see each other again, and Genma never told him what had happened.
He only held onto Raidou, and told him he was glad they were alive.
It had been hard for a while after that, trying to figure out where they fit into this new world. Surprisingly, Genma had had an easier time of it, finding work soon after his stay in the hospital. It had taken Raidou two months, three if he included the month he had been separated from Genma. He had started out as an errand boy, running small packages between locations. From there he had moved up to escort missions, before being changed to guard duty.
That had been after Gaara had been subdued, been ranked a low risk prisoner. He'd been given the duty of standing in front of his cell, from early morning to late afternoon, though he couldn't really tell in the ever present darkness of the detention level. It'd been the most depressing assignment he had ever had. It still was.
"Raidou?"
He looked up. Genma was frowning at him.
"What's wrong?"
Raidou looked back at the other man's hands.. "They let the Hyuuga girl out earlier than usual. It made it harder to return the Sand jinchuuriki back to his cell."
"Did the boy give you any problems?"
The hard edge in Genma's voice made Raidou smile, but it was tempered with bitterness. "Not any more than I've given myself."
"Raidou."
Raidou shrugged. Genma sighed, and reached out to hold him. Raidou let him.
"Raidou, talk to me."
Now it was Raidou's turn to sigh. "It becomes harder for me to return him to his cell. Not because he fights it, not really, but because I feel so damn guilty." His hands moved up, to grip the cloth on Genma's back. "And then, seeing the Hyuuga girl, and his reaction... it just..." But Raidou trailed off, unable to explain himself.
Genma was silent, but his grip tightened on Raidou, and Raidou supposed that would just have to do instead. He laid his head against Genma's shoulder and closed his eyes.
"How was your day?" he mumbled.
"One of the spies we found isn't breaking soon enough for Orochimaru-sama," Genma said, rocking the other man in his arms. "They left him to me, but I think Kabuto will be taking him soon."
"More spies?"
He felt Genma's head move against his in a nod. "There were a couple at the fringes of the village day after we got our hands on Umino. The first actually managed to die in custody, so we're trying to be careful with his buddy."
"That makes sense, I suppose. Do you really think they know anything?"
"Probably not, but you know how paranoid Orochimaru-sama can be. Even more so after the whole Umino fiasco... we still don't know how he got so close." He chuckled. "Maybe you've heard something that could be useful?"
Raidou brought his head up to look at Genma, curious despite himself. "I've only heard a few details. Why?"
"Because he made it down all the way to the detention level in the Hyuuga compound," Genma replied. "No one knows how he knew which compound Uzumaki was being held at, let alone the exact place. He bit his tongue off before we could get anything out of him, too. Orochimaru-sama was pissed - only kept him alive so that he could execute him himself."
"He... bit his tongue off?" Raidou said, stunned.
"Yeah, we were pretty impressed, he shouldn't have been..." Genma trailed off, looking at Raidou strangely. "You seem bothered by this." Genma's tone was almost accusatory, and Raidou knew why: this was not the first time he had heard of an interrogation victim trying such a thing. This was just the first time Raidou reacted to it.
“He was a friend, that's all,” Raidou murmured.
“I didn't know that,” Genma said. "I'm sorry."
Raidou shook his head. "Don't be. It's not your fault... besides, he's on the other side of this conflict. It was bound to happen."
Genma was silent after that. He leaned into Raidou, and they stood there until Raidou decided it was time for bed.
~*~
He looked up when he felt another presence beside him. The kunoichi just gave him a side-long glance, even as she fell into step. Raidou snorted.
“The girl was out early, yesterday,” he said.
He sensed, more than saw, her shrug. “She wanted to walk out while the air was still cool. She did not want to feel the afternoon heat.”
“It was my time, Anko. We had an agreement.”
“Yeah, well, the little freak guarding her thought otherwise. And, believe it or not, he overrides me.”
“Mmm.”
“Besides, it's not like you went back in any earlier. Don't think I didn't see you and the Sabaku kid up on the balcony.”
This time it was his turn to shrug. “She was far enough away to where I didn't think they'd interact. And he didn't ask about her.”
Anko stopped short, and he stopped as well. When he looked at her, she was staring at him strangely.
“What?” he snapped at her, irritated by the look.
“I heard about Iruka,” she said, her hand jerking towards him, and then away. As if she meant to touch him. “For what it's worth, I'm sorry.”
He stiffened, and glared. “Why are you apologizing to me? I'm not the one who's dead.”
She looked uncomfortable, grabbing at her own arm. “Well, yeah, but I'd heard...”
“I don't care what you've heard,” he said, cutting her off with a snarl. Whirling around, he stormed into the compound, ignoring the way her words had made his stomach clench.
~*~
"I would like to see my sister again."
"Oh?" Raidou said, not really listening to the redhead.
"Yes. I do not know about Kankuro, but I would like to see Temari." Gaara looked over at Raidou with something like hope. "Have you heard where they are being kept?"
Raidou turned his face away. "I'm sorry, Gaara-kun, but I have not. No one knows."
He could feel the boy slump beside him. Raidou felt another stab of guilt.
"I will not worry," Gaara said, voice low. "I would worry if people knew."
"I will still continue to ask," Raidou said, desperate to do something that would make the boy feel better. But he knew that his words would be little comfort. There was nothing behind them but sentiment.
Conversation lapsed at this point and Raidou closed his eyes even as he turned his face up to the sun. He took a deep breath to relax himself, and allowed his mind to drift. For a moment, he was not on the third floor of the Hyuuga compound, he was out in the field, and it was not a young Sand shinobi beside him, but...
"What are you thinking about?"
His eyes snapped open. "What I lost," he said, before he could really process what had been asked.
“I... I am sorry. I do not think I should have asked.”
“No,” Raidou said, looking over at the downcast young man. “It is I who should have apologized. I... have not been myself these past couple days, and for that, I am sorry. It is not right that I should make you suffer with me.”
“Your friend... were you close?”
Raidou smiled ruefully, bemused by how well Gaara could read him. “No. I simply understood what drove him.”
Gaara was silent again, but this time Raidou could tell it was a thoughtful silence. “How?” he said finally.
“Because once I faced the same decision, but I choose the other path.”
Now the redhead looked at him with curiosity, a flicker behind the deadened eyes, thick with exhaustion.
“I do not think I can make it any clearer than that, Gaara-kun. I am still not sure what path it was, I only know that it was different from mine.”
Gaara tilted his head. “Then how do you know it is not the same path?”
The guilt, Raidou wanted to say, but did not. Instead... “Because we did not end up in the same place.”
“We are all dead, here,” Gaara said. “I have learned that you can die and still live. He simply found another way to die. But he died here. We all will.”
Raidou frowned, taken aback by the redhead's words. “I do not understand what you mean.”
“I think we will all die here,” Gaara said. “He has simply gone first.”
Raidou felt a chill go down his back. “I thought you said you would not give up, that you would not be trapped one day. What happened?”
Gaara was silent.
“Gaara-kun?”
“I... Uzumaki cries in the night. He does not know where he is at. He has not given up. I will not.”
“Your words make no sense, Gaara-kun,” Raidou said, alarmed at the note of urgency he heard in the young man's voice.
“Your friend... they tossed his head in Uzumaki's cell. He was screaming for a long time. I... I do not know if he will live. I do not think he wants to.” He looked at Raidou. “They take what is important away one by one.. will he still live when everything is gone?”
Raidou looked out over the balcony. “I would not,” he said. “I would not want to. Better to be dead than lose all that I love.”
“That is a strange idea, to me, for a shinobi,” Gaara said. “But Uzumaki was stronger than me. Because of those he cared for. But when it is all gone?”
“Some give up. Others fight on in memory of what they have lost.”
“But you would give up.”
“I... would not want to live on. I am weak, like that.”
Gaara frowned. “I do not think you are weak.”
Raidou smiled at him, a bitter twist of the lips. “If I were stronger, I would not be here.”
“Where would you be?”
“Dead, most likely. Like so many before me.”
“Then I am glad you are weak. I will be strong for the both of us,” Gaara said, a firm conviction in his voice.
Raidou was stunned. “You're glad?”
“Yes. If you had not been weak, you would not be here. And if you had not been here, I would not. I... do not think I would have come this far, if you had not been with me.”
“Gaara-kun...” Raidou said, unsure how to respond.
The boy looked at him, an uncommon seriousness in his gaze. “You are to me, what Umino-san was to Uzumaki. I do not want you to die.”
“I will not die, Gaara-kun. Not while those I care for live.”
“And... am I one of those?” he asked, hesitantly.
“Yes,” Raidou said with a smile.
Gaara looked satisfied at that, and some of the guilt melted away from him.
~*~
When he had first started working, the darkness and silence of the detention level corridor where Gaara had his cell had unnerved him greatly. It had taken him almost an hour after every shift to calm his nerves before he could face Genma. It had become easier once Gaara had begun to speak to him, but would spike on the days that Orochimaru-sama would feed Uzumaki. It hadn't been as bad after he had secured daily excursions for his charge, but the oppressive atmosphere would still cling to him.
It hadn't helped that Uzumaki only had guards occasionally. He later learned from Anko that he and the kid who had become saddled with guarding the Hyuuga heiress had lasted the longest as Detention level guards. Raidou thought that was strange, as there was no reason why it should be so hard; it's not like it was difficult to stand in the same place hours on end. With the amount of guards in the compound, it was almost inconceivable that someone should get near him. But there was something about the level, maybe the jinchuuriki who resided there, that seemed to break spirits, and as consequence Raidou was alone more often than not.
Gaara was sleeping now, a real sleep. He didn't sleep often, only passing out when he was truly exhausted. He didn't find out till later the reason why he fought against sleeping so much. He'd had mixed feelings when Gaara had told him: pity for the boy, horror at what could have been a disaster, and gratitude that the cells stopped his demon from being able to take him over. It was the only time Raidou had ever been glad for Gaara's imprisonment, and his self disgust over that had eaten him alive for weeks afterwards.
He stood up straighter from his slump against the wall when he heard footsteps approaching. He hoped it was not feeding time for Uzumaki, but he knew it had been a long time since he had last been given food. Iruka would have wanted him fed.
But he relaxed in relief when it was Anko who appeared.
“I've never seen someone as happy to see me as you, old man,” she said, amused.
He shrugged, uncomfortable. “I don't like it here. There's something strange about it.”
“Mmm.” Her eyes darted to Gaara's cell door.
“Sleeping,” Raidou said. “What are you doing here?”
This time she was the one who shrugged, and Raidou finally noticed the package she was carrying in her hands. “I heard you left the house without eating, and thought you might like something.” She gave the package a little shake, and he could hear something slosh inside. “Brought ramen. I know you hate dango.”
“That... was surprisingly thoughtful,” he said, though the thought of ramen made him sick now. He ignored the sniffles and hitched breathing in the cell across from him. It had become louder since Anko had joined him.
She snorted. “And that is surprisingly unthoughtful, Namiashi. What the fuck is up with you today?” She plopped on the ground beside him as she said that, with a gesture that he should join her. He hesitated a moment before doing so.
“It's just been a trying couple of days, Anko.”
“Genma said you were taking that teacher's death hard. He was pretty fucking surprised, too. He thought he had known everyone you had been friends with.”
“I don't see how that would matter,” Raidou said with a frown.
“Those were the ones he made a point of not telling you about,” she said, as she brought out the takeaway containers from their bag. “Here,” she said shoving one at him.
“What do you mean?” he said, accepting the food in his distraction.
She looked at him, a single glance telling him all of the different ways she thought he was an idiot. “Genma's one of his chief interrogators, Raidou. You don't let people like that just lounge around and do nothing for most of the time.”
“But I know he doesn't. He's always told me who's been caught.”
“Not everyone, he hasn't. Genma only comes across a fraction, but he's well aware of who all have been caught. And we both know that most of them are executed before the average citizen finds out they were even caught. Hell, before us most of the time. So ask yourself this Raidou: how many of your former friends do you think have probably been caught and killed?”
“He'd tell me,” Raidou whispered. “He wouldn't hold that from me.”
“He doesn't want to see you hurt.”
He looked at her. “I am not that weak,” he snarled.
“Then stop acting like a fucking woman about this,” she snapped back. “Prove to him you can handle it, and get over it.” She threw a pair of chopsticks at him, which he snatched before they could reach the ground. “Now eat your goddamn food.”
“Fine,” he said. They ate in silence, a cloud of anger swirling around them. But as the silence lengthened, he could hear Uzumaki again, weeping, mumbling something he couldn't quite pick up on. The cloud disappated, and he could hear the even breathing of Gaara behind him. Raidou put his food down, suddenly no longer hungry. Not that he had been very hungry in the first place. He couldn't remember the last time he had been truly hungry.
“You have to eat,” Anko said quietly. “He worries about how thin you are becoming. I wish I could blame that on this stupid thing, but we both know it's been going on much longer than that.” She let out a huff. “You know you had no reason to be angry over his keeping deaths from you. You're having a hard time taking care of yourself even without that knowledge.”
Raidou seethed, but he knew what she said was true. “He still had no right,” he snapped.
“He had every right,” she returned. “He only wants you to be okay. And it's pretty fucking obvious you're not.”
“He's not my goddamn nursemaid.”
“That's funny, because that's exactly what you fucking need!”
“Fuck off, Mitarashi.”
She rolled her eyes and stood. “Whatever. Watch your ass, Raidou. If you do anything stupid, I'll fucking kill you myself.”
He narrowed his eyes in suspicion, looking up at her. “If I didn't know any better, Anko-chan, I'd say you're just looking for an excuse. Running errands for my lover in the hopes of getting in his good graces?”
“You fucking prick,” she breathed, looking murderous. “See if I do you anymore favors! I hope you end up rotting in whatever diseased infested grave you're headed for!” She whirled around before storming off, hands relexively clenching and unclenching.
“Yeah, like you were doing this for me!” he shouted at her retreating back, using the wall the push himself off the ground. She stopped.
“He doesn't even know I'm down here, asshole,” she snarled back at him. “I came because I was worried about you! Or is that too much for you to understand?”
Raidou's world stood still. In the stillness, he could hear Uzumaki say, “Iruka-sensei.”
He fell to his knees, laughter bubbling out from inside. He covered his eyes, his face, trying to hold it back. It sounded hysterical to his own ears.
“Raidou!” The sound of footsteps followed his name.
“I.. I..” He couldn't speak, couldn't do anything. Couldn't be anything other than weak.
He felt arms circle around him suddenly, and when Anko pulled him to her, that's when the tears broke free. They didn't stop for a long time.
~*~
He remembered, vividly, the first time he had laid eyes on Umino Iruka after the invasion. It had been one of the few evenings Genma had been able to tell him in advance that he would be home late (if at all) and Raidou had decided their apartment would be too empty without him. He had opted to go out instead, and as he had been passing by a ramen stand had thought he had seen a familiar flop of brown hair talking to the stand's owner from the shadows. He'd become curious.
He was casual enough in his approach to the stand, and was only able to catch a small snatch of the conversation. Enough, however, to identify the man. And then he had made a mistake - he'd called out to him. Both men paused, and then Iruka was gone.
The next time he had seen Iruka had been a week later, as he had passed the same stand again, this time on his way home. His eyes had immediately focused in on a small flicker from the alley behind it, but he was used to such things. It was when the flicker paused, looked at him, and cocked his head in a clear gesture to follow that he realized who it was.
The differences had been striking to Raidou, when he had joined Iruka in the alleyway. The man looked to him as if he had aged ten years in the time since the invasion, lines of grey littering hair that had once been all brown. He was too young to have grey hair, Raidou remembered thinking. It had made him sad. They had been lunch buddies, once upon a time. Had worked together in the mission room on occasion, had always greeted each other in the street. It felt so long ago.
“I was surprised to hear that none of the village guards were on the lookout for me,” Iruka said the moment Raidou had joined him.
Raidou shrugged, careful to conceal himself in the shadows. If someone recognized Iruka, he didn't want to be seen with him. “Momentary lapse of sanity,” he replied. “What are you doing here?”
Iruka had smiled, a twist of the mouth that he recognized from all of the times it had graced his own face. It was not a happy smile, at turns bitter and mournful. “It's good to see you, Raidou-san, despite the circumstances. Do you have any intention of turning me in?”
Raidou had smiled, a genuine smile. “If I had, you wouldn't be here right now, and we both know it. And neither would that stand owner you were talking to last week.”
Iruka nodded. “I'd expected that. I'd been keeping a low profile in case you had, but when I'd heard nothing, I assumed it was safe to talk.”
They looked at each other for a long moment.
“I had assumed you were dead until I'd heard that one of our operatives spotted you in the village. Working for Orochimaru.” Iruka's tone carried just the barest hint of accusation.
Raidou flinched. “I won't justify myself to you, but I did what I had to. I had no choice.”
“You could have died,” Iruka said levelly.
“And if had been only me I was thinking about, I would have.”
Silence again.
“You chose the coward's path,” Iruka said, the accusation rife in his voice this time. “Better dead than enslaved.”
The words were a frightful echo of the one's Genma had used when they'd been captured, all those long months ago. Guilt, heavy and sick, reared itself once more, and Raidou reacted to it by shoving the younger man against the wall lightening quick, kunai to his throat. “And have you, Iruka-kun, ever loved someone so much that you would willingly sell your soul to ensure their survival?” he hissed at him.
He was close enough now to feel the rapid puffs of breath, the racing heartbeat, and the sheer level of anger in Iruka's eyes. But that wasn't all that was there; there was also determination, and a sick desperation that seemed to rival his own. But he said nothing. Raidou released him, taking a few steps away.
“What are you doing here, Iruka?”
The other man looked away. “I'm trying to find someone, but I'm having no luck. No one knows where he's at.”
Raidou frowned. “Who?”
“Uzumaki Naruto.”
Raidou starred at him.
“It's... he's not dead,” Iruka said, with a feverish certainty, as if he had to convince Raidou of it. “We would have heard about it, but no believed me. And we've heard about how the other one, the Sand demon, was being kept. If they kept him, surely Naruto is still alive...”
And there it was again, that sick desperation. In his voice, in his face, and it felt to Raidou like he was looking at his mirror image.
“He's alive,” he had found himself saying. Iruka's head snapped up, and the hope shinned so brightly in his eyes Raidou found he had to be the one to turn his head.
“How... how do you know?”
“I'm the guard for the Sand jinchuuriki, and he's in the cell directly across from him.”
Iruka starred at him for a moment before responding. “How... how is he?”
“As well as he can be, given the circumstances. I don't ever see him.”
“Is he well, at least?”
Raidou didn't answer. He had known he could not tell him the truth.
“He isn't,” Iruka murmured. “Raidou-san, where are they keeping them?”
Raidou was silent a moment, as he looked around for possible eavesdroppers. It was dangerous, what he was doing; fatal for him if caught, possibly for Genma as well. Though he had gone against everything he had stood for, all of the principles that he had prized in saving Genma and himself, he could understand Iruka at this moment. Iruka was here to save the one thing that mattered to him most, just as Raidou once had. He'd found himself unable to turn his back on that.
“How much do you know about the people who tried to take the Hyuuga heiress back in February?”
“Hanabi?”
“Hinata.” Then he frowned. “Hanabi? Isn't she dead?”
Iruka shook his head. “No, she's safe outside of the village, and don't you dare ask me where. But we had to move after some of Orochimaru's shinobi tried to get her from us.”
Raidou nodded. “What time of the month?”
“Beginning of March, actually. Why?”
“I suspect that earlier than that was when some of your people tried to take Hinata from us. She was being held in the same compound as the other two, if not the same exact area.” He shook his head. “It's not important... I was just hoping you knew, as it would make it easier.”
“Why?”
“Because they're all being held in the Hyuuga compound.”
“Shit,” Iruka snarled, running a hand over his hair. “I thought that place was a little more guarded than it needed to be. Where at in the compound?”
"Iruka, you won't make it. The place is more guarded now than it was back in March."
"Would that stop you?"
The two men studied each other in the dark alleyway. Raidou had known that if it had been Genma, it wouldn't have mattered, he still would have tried to free him. But Raidou had also known, with an odd flash of insight, that he didn't want anything to happen to Iruka either. And yet, he was hell bent on this. And if he didn't tell him, he'd rush in the compound and get himself killed that much quicker. It was too late to back out now.
"I can't be there when you arrive," Raidou said finally. "If you took him on my watch, I'd be immediately indicated. And you don't dare do it at night, either; the night time guards are a special breed of vicious."
It had been on the night watch that they'd attempted to take the Hyuuga heiress. And with her room being in the open now...
"So when the guard changes, then," Iruka said grimly.
"No," Raidou said. The night watch would still be on alert until they were off of the compound. It would still be too risky. "About fifteen minutes after the day watch takes over. And you'll want the northeast wall. The entrance to the detention level is located there."
"And Naruto?"
"Southwest, furthermost point away from the entrance."
"So very deep in," Iruka murmured. "Raidou-san... you said not while you were on watch. But you're day watch, aren't you?"
Raidou nodded. "But sometimes, usually a couple hours after the start of my shift, I escort the Sand jinchuuriki to the surface. I'll be away for a whole hour; you'll have to take Uzumaki then." Raidou paused. "If a shadow should flicker nearby, I do not think I will bother to find out what caused it."
Iruka had relaxed at that and nodded. "Thank you, Raidou-san."
And then he was gone, and Raidou was alone in the alley.
Another week passed by before he would see Iruka again. But he'd heard, from Anko and the lingering conversation of the guards that he passed by every morning, that they had discovered that there was a spy snooping around the village. Thankfully, nothing about the spy near where the prisoners were being kept, but it was barely known to most of the shinobi that the Hyuuga compound was anything other than Orochimaru's new residence.
But he had been worried. Worried that Iruka would be caught, that Iruka would be killed. That Iruka would spill everything he knew before he died. He'd been angry at himself for telling as much as he had - he'd had nightmares for days afterwards, each one a different way that it could backfire on him. He remembered thinking that things would be fine once Iruka did what he'd come to do and finally left.
He knew, if Iruka had succeeded, he would have been.
It had been one morning, as he had been escorting Gaara out of the detention level, that he saw the telltale hair in the shadows near a corner. He froze.
"There's a man in the corner there," Gaara had murmured.
"I know, Gaara-kun. Hush now and wait here."
He approached Iruka, worried, nervous, hyper aware that if he was caught, he'd be dead. After his warning, he knew there would only be one reason Iruka would dare to expose himself. It should have occurred to him how easy it was to get lost in the detention level, but he had been there for so long that he had no longer thought about it. Many cells, few prisoners.
"Lost?" Raidou whispered, not looking at the other man, but rather at a point slightly to the right.
"Yes," Iruka whispered back. "I don't know how long I've been down here."
"You're fairly deep in," Raidou said. "Just follow the path behind me now. Stay straight, but at the second intersection, make a left. The cell you want will be half way down that corridor, on the right."
"Thank you." And then Iruka was gone.
"He is a friend," he told Gaara when he rejoined him. "Please say nothing to anyone."
Gaara nodded and they continued their trek to the surface.
It would be the last time he would ever see Iruka.
~*~
There was always a warm pot of tea left on the table when he came home after his shift.
It was small, and worn, and darkened with age. There were hints of its previous color on certain parts, a pure white, but most of it had long since been stained away. The two most dominant stains were large, almost black, circles clinging on each side of the pot where it billowed out. Darker in the middle than it was at the edges, it gave the illusion of bruises on a woman's cheek. On each side there were also four more smaller circles, fanning from the bottom to the top. He placed his hands on the pot now, palms covering the larger bruises, fingers nearly a match for the smaller ones.
It had been his mother's teapot, given to him shortly before she died. Genma started work later than he did, and would always come home for lunch during the mid afternoon. He'd always make a pot of tea for Raidou, and leave it on a warmer in the middle of the table, so it would be the first thing he'd see upon entering the kitchen.
Today, however, there was also a note laying next to the pot, telling him that Genma had another late night. It happened frequently, and if Genma was trying to break their newest victim before being forced to turn him over to Kabuto, he supposed Genma would use up as much time as he could get away with. But he knew it also meant the man had still to break, which left Raidou with mixed emotions. He was probably not connected to Iruka, but he still worried about it.
He sighed.
Normally, he would leave the apartment. But tonight, he couldn't summon the energy. Anko had stayed with him after his breakdown, had escorted him home at shift change. She had tried to convince to go home sooner, but he would not abandon his post. He'd behaved horribly to her tonight, and she hadn't deserved it. Not really. But he had nowhere else to let out what he had been feeling since the day before.
The teapot, on a normal day, would bring some comfort to him. Genma only ever used this particular teapot when he felt Raidou was having a hard time of it, and could use the familiarity. It always made him smile... but now it felt like part of a different life. A better life, where nothing had been compromised, where he had not been forced to give up his self respect.
Iruka had been right, he knew. He'd chosen the coward's path, and now he could be nothing but a coward. He wondered how things would have been had he not chosen what he he had, had instead held to his conviction like his lover had. Shorter, he supposed. A quick death for him, a longer one for Genma. Genma had been intelligence, after all, and they would have wanted anything he'd known out of him before they'd finally killed him.
Maybe it would have been better that way.
But then Gaara would have been alone. Who knows how he would be now if not for Raidou? It had been him that had found a way to feel the air, to see the sun every day. He, who had finally responded to the boy's attempts at conversation, who had reached back when Gaara had reached out for any sort of comfort.
Genma had been what landed him here, but it was Gaara who forced him to remain.
But for how much longer?
A sudden crack, and the feeling of warm water on his hands dragged his eyes down to the pot.
His breath hitched. It had fallen apart in his hands... his mother's favorite pot, the teapot she had used throughout all of his boyhood. He stared at it, as it continued to break and fragment, settling on becoming several large pieces and innumerable shards. He felt the grief build up anew, though no tears would fall. He had no more tears to shed, the darkness and the madness had taken them from him.
And hours later, this was how Genma found him.
Genre: Drama/Angst
Characters/Pairings: Genma/Raidou, Gaara, Anko, Iruka, Hinata
Summary: No matter the justifications, the memory of a wrong deed will lie heavy on the mind of a good man.
Warning/Notes: Set in the Achluophobia universe. Dark, mentions of character death. Thank you gift for yuzora.
Final Word Count: 7,916
It was cool this morning, Raidou noted, a breeze in the air that carried the scent of rain. Yet there was a hint of warmth in there as well, reminding him that it was spring now, that summer was not so far away. Soon, the dew on the balcony, the garden glistening below in the mid-morning light would no longer be possible. But for now, it entranced him.
“You are sad,” a voice said suddenly.
Startled slightly, Raidou turned to the red haired boy seated next to him with a curious look. “Not really. Not any more than most.”
The boy tilted his head slightly, studying Raidou with flat eyes. “Your friend... the one I saw, the one you talked to. They said he is dead. Is this why you are sad?”
Raidou's breath caught. “Already?"
"Yes. I heard Uzumaki's guards talking about it this morning. It happened before dawn."
Raidou looked away. He could feel the boy's eyes on him, but he ignored it.
Finally, he felt the eyes move away. "You... did not know?" The voice was hesitant, young. Raidou could remember being young, but it felt a lifetime away.
"No," he heard himself say. "I had not."
"I... am sorry for your loss."
He looked back at the boy in surprise.
The young man looked unsure. "I heard my sister say that once, to someone who's friend had died. I thought I should... I did not offend?"
Raidou smiled softly. "You did not. Thank you."
He looked, for a brief moment, relieved. But then his brows furrowed. "But there is something I do not understand. Why did he have to die? Didn't he have permission?"
"He did not have permission, Gaara-kun. He decided to see Uzumaki-kun on his own."
"Mitarashi-san did not have permission, that one time, but he did not kill her."
Anko probably wished he had settled for killing her, Raidou thought darkly. Probably envies Iruka's fate. "Umino-san is... was not loyal to Orochimaru-sama."
"Oh... a rebel?"
"Yes."
Gaara was silent, staring thoughtfully at the shinobi guards below. "You spoke with him. You should not have, then." The boy looked at him, and this time Raidou could discern the curiosity in his gaze.
"No, but.. he was trying to do the right thing. He was always a good man," Raidou said, feeling as if he had to defend his actions, though he knew Gaara would not know the extent of them.
There was a pause before the boy responded, the curiosity in his gaze transforming into something Raidou didn't understand. “You say that of all the men who have died. I... If they are such good people, why are they dead?”
Raidou was silent, watching the boy.
“And what does that make you?” The redhead continued.
Raidou again said nothing. There had been no malice in that question, no accusation. Yet he felt it, all the same. He looked away.
There was a hand on his arm suddenly, and Raidou looked down at it in surprise, before following it to Gaara himself. The boy's gaze had changed again, this time to something like regret. “I... am sorry. I did not want to offend you. But I am confused.”
Raidou sighed, and chanced a smile at the boy. It felt forced. “There are many things, Gaara-kun, that still confuse me. I wish I had more answers for you.”
Gaara frowned. "I think you are lying. I think you know what they are."
Raidou laughed softly. "I thought I knew what they were," he said. "But I lost that too."
Raidou started when the hand on his arm suddenly gripped him. "I think you are a good man. But you are trapped. Like I am."
Raidou starred at him.
"I will not be trapped one day."
"You always say that," Raidou said, a bittersweet smile twisting his lips.
"I will not be," Gaara said firmly. "Uzumaki Naruto has not given up; I hear him in the night. If he does not, I will not. I can be no less than him."
"And if he should?" Raidou asked softly, still keenly aware of the hand on his arm, the way it gripped and relaxed every few seconds. He placed his own hand over it.
It was a moment before Gaara answered. "He will not."
There was silence between them after that, but it was comfortable, and Raidou was content to let it be.
He was not surprised that Gaara used the Uzumaki kid as a way of measuring himself. The two jinchuuriki had been drawn to each other even before the invasion, Raidou knew. What had surprised him was that they had been kept so close to each other. Had it simply been for expediency, or had Orochimaru knew about the bond that had formed between them, and placed them near each other in the hope that the knowledge of what they both suffered would break them faster? Unlikely that Orochimaru had known, but if the latter was indeed true, it had certainly worked in the case of Sabaku no Gaara.
The prison for the jinchuuriki had been constructed in the Hyuuga compound shortly after Orochimaru's victory. His triumph that day had become even greater when it was learned that his shinobi had managed to capture the Konoha jinchuuriki. He had kept the boy sedated until he had found a way of keeping him subdued while conscious. This had ended up being a warded room, which was made accessible to very few. No one was sure how he did it, but inside of the room, instead of dampening the influence, he had managed to completely block it. Uzumaki had had no way of communicating with the demon inside.
And then had come the day when Orochimaru had decided he no longer needed the Sand, and had taken their jinchuuriki as well.
Raidou did not know how long Gaara had been down there before he had been made his guard. He did not know when the Sand had become their enemy.
"The Uchiha was down there again last night," Gaara said suddenly.
Startled out of his thoughts, Raidou frowned. "He's not supposed to be anywhere near him."
Gaara shrugged, his eyes following the movement of shinobi in the garden. "I do not think he cares for his restrictions. He was listening through the walls." He paused, tilting his head again, as if listening to something himself. "He is like you, I think."
"What do you mean?"
"He is trapped by the people he cares for," Gaara said.
Raidou stared at him, surprised, and unsure how to react.
But the redhead was no longer looking at him; his focus had switched to something below. Looking down himself, Raidou saw that Hyuuga Hinata had come out for her morning walk. She was early, and he fought against the scowl he knew must be forming on his face.
She was one of four high profile prisoners here, that Raidou was aware of. While Raidou did not know the fates of Gaara's siblings, he did know that all of the Hyuuga main house, save Hinata and her sister, had been taken care of. He still wasn't sure why, or what made her so high profile. He remembered when she was still below in the detention level, like Gaara and the Uzumaki kid; he had passed by with Gaara often enough. But not even a month ago, she had been moved. He didn't know why.
"She should not be out here," Gaara murmured. He was staring at her, watching her, as if she were some sort of strange new animal. He had always been curious about her. And Raidou could see where Anko stood, hidden in the shadows, making sure her charge did not try to leave. He could also see how the other shinobi watched them both.
He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose in annoyance. Gaara still had another half hour on the balcony, but his orders were to make sure his charge interacted with none of them. So he stood, as much as he wished he could just remain out with the boy. "It's time, Gaara-kun. I must escort you back now."
Gaara looked at him, and though nothing in his face changed, Raidou knew he did not want to leave.
He hesitated at that look, his gaze turning to the girl who, even now, was sitting down on a bench, exhaustion written in her every line. And suddenly, he felt something snap. He was furious at her, for still suffering, even though she no longer had to be locked up down below, while his own charge was allowed barely an hour a day of light and fresh air before he was forced back into the dark and gloom, with no one to speak to but himself and the ramblings of a jinchuuriki that went more mad with each passing day... and that made him think of Iruka, and suddenly there was a gap in his chest where his heart should be, and it scared him.
Damn Anko, and damn the Hyuuga girl, too. Gaara would not pay for their mistake. "I suppose a few more minutes wouldn't hurt," Raidou said, sitting back down.
Below them, Hinata basked in the sun.
~*~
It was only after the sun had set that he heard the click of the door, and the familiar steps in the entry hall. A soft thump on the floor, of shoes hitting the ground, and Raidou could almost imagine the other man's shuttered expression, the slump in his shoulders as his ears followed the ever increasing sound of shuffling down the hallway.
He looked away from the window when the other man entered the kitchen, his eyes taking a moment to catalog his appearance. A couple new tears in the jacket, a new bruise on his cheek. The same exhaustion. He jerked his chin in the direction of a covered plate, resting on a table setting directly across from him. Genma nodded and removed his bandana before sitting down.
He did not look towards Raidou as he ate, but rather, his eyes drifted towards the window. The moonlight that illuminated the room did not favor him, highlighting the bags under his eyes, the lines in his face, the minute grey in his hair.
No attempt was made to turn on the light, content as they were to sit under the faint rays of the moon. There was no conversation, no sound except the beating of the wind against the window, the drops of water echoing off of the kitchen sink. Raidou waited for him to finish, waited in the darkness and the silence. He wasn't sure, anymore, which one of them insisted on it the most.
Finally, there was the click of his chopsticks coming to rest on the table, and he looked up at Raidou.
"Umino Iruka was executed today," he said.
Raidou sighed. "He was a good man."
"You don't seem surprised," Genma said. The statement was neither curious or accusatory, and it was a moment before Raidou spoke again.
"It's spread like wildfire in the compound, it didn't take me long to find out. I knew he could be foolish, but I had hoped he was wiser than this."
Genma shrugged before pushing himself away from the table. "He was sentimental. It always gets people in the end."
Raidou said nothing as the other man rounded up his dish and utensils and brought them to the sink. He only watched.
Genma turned on the faucet before pausing. “Sometimes it will make people do things we would rather not. Could you turn on the light?”
Raidou stood. “If I must.. though you understand, I do this only for sentiment of you.”
Genma chuckled softly, and Raidou felt himself smile a little. A small joke, at the expense of a good man... but it had been worth it to see the lessening of tension in the other man's shoulders, to see him straighten up just a little bit more. And it loosened something in him.
The sudden light in the kitchen made him wince, but it seemed to work like some sort of magic on Genma - the tension completely disappeared from him, and he looked over to Raidou with a smile. “So, enough about my day. How was yours?”
Raidou smiled back, even as he joined the other man at the sink. He gaze trailed down to the jounin's hands, and he admired the way they moved, and was thankful they could still be like this.
It hadn't been quite eight months since the invasion, though it felt as if it had been a lifetime ago. He and Genma had been captured, and then given a choice: death, or service to the invader. Genma had been half delirious from his wounds, screaming that he would rather die, and Raidou had been afraid for him. Afraid of losing him, even though they would have died together. So he chose for them both - service.
They had took Genma away from him then, to be healed. Dragged him away from Raidou, dragged him away struggling and uttering curses about them, about Raidou. And Raidou stood there. It was the hardest thing he had ever done. It was a month before they were allowed to see each other again, and Genma never told him what had happened.
He only held onto Raidou, and told him he was glad they were alive.
It had been hard for a while after that, trying to figure out where they fit into this new world. Surprisingly, Genma had had an easier time of it, finding work soon after his stay in the hospital. It had taken Raidou two months, three if he included the month he had been separated from Genma. He had started out as an errand boy, running small packages between locations. From there he had moved up to escort missions, before being changed to guard duty.
That had been after Gaara had been subdued, been ranked a low risk prisoner. He'd been given the duty of standing in front of his cell, from early morning to late afternoon, though he couldn't really tell in the ever present darkness of the detention level. It'd been the most depressing assignment he had ever had. It still was.
"Raidou?"
He looked up. Genma was frowning at him.
"What's wrong?"
Raidou looked back at the other man's hands.. "They let the Hyuuga girl out earlier than usual. It made it harder to return the Sand jinchuuriki back to his cell."
"Did the boy give you any problems?"
The hard edge in Genma's voice made Raidou smile, but it was tempered with bitterness. "Not any more than I've given myself."
"Raidou."
Raidou shrugged. Genma sighed, and reached out to hold him. Raidou let him.
"Raidou, talk to me."
Now it was Raidou's turn to sigh. "It becomes harder for me to return him to his cell. Not because he fights it, not really, but because I feel so damn guilty." His hands moved up, to grip the cloth on Genma's back. "And then, seeing the Hyuuga girl, and his reaction... it just..." But Raidou trailed off, unable to explain himself.
Genma was silent, but his grip tightened on Raidou, and Raidou supposed that would just have to do instead. He laid his head against Genma's shoulder and closed his eyes.
"How was your day?" he mumbled.
"One of the spies we found isn't breaking soon enough for Orochimaru-sama," Genma said, rocking the other man in his arms. "They left him to me, but I think Kabuto will be taking him soon."
"More spies?"
He felt Genma's head move against his in a nod. "There were a couple at the fringes of the village day after we got our hands on Umino. The first actually managed to die in custody, so we're trying to be careful with his buddy."
"That makes sense, I suppose. Do you really think they know anything?"
"Probably not, but you know how paranoid Orochimaru-sama can be. Even more so after the whole Umino fiasco... we still don't know how he got so close." He chuckled. "Maybe you've heard something that could be useful?"
Raidou brought his head up to look at Genma, curious despite himself. "I've only heard a few details. Why?"
"Because he made it down all the way to the detention level in the Hyuuga compound," Genma replied. "No one knows how he knew which compound Uzumaki was being held at, let alone the exact place. He bit his tongue off before we could get anything out of him, too. Orochimaru-sama was pissed - only kept him alive so that he could execute him himself."
"He... bit his tongue off?" Raidou said, stunned.
"Yeah, we were pretty impressed, he shouldn't have been..." Genma trailed off, looking at Raidou strangely. "You seem bothered by this." Genma's tone was almost accusatory, and Raidou knew why: this was not the first time he had heard of an interrogation victim trying such a thing. This was just the first time Raidou reacted to it.
“He was a friend, that's all,” Raidou murmured.
“I didn't know that,” Genma said. "I'm sorry."
Raidou shook his head. "Don't be. It's not your fault... besides, he's on the other side of this conflict. It was bound to happen."
Genma was silent after that. He leaned into Raidou, and they stood there until Raidou decided it was time for bed.
~*~
He looked up when he felt another presence beside him. The kunoichi just gave him a side-long glance, even as she fell into step. Raidou snorted.
“The girl was out early, yesterday,” he said.
He sensed, more than saw, her shrug. “She wanted to walk out while the air was still cool. She did not want to feel the afternoon heat.”
“It was my time, Anko. We had an agreement.”
“Yeah, well, the little freak guarding her thought otherwise. And, believe it or not, he overrides me.”
“Mmm.”
“Besides, it's not like you went back in any earlier. Don't think I didn't see you and the Sabaku kid up on the balcony.”
This time it was his turn to shrug. “She was far enough away to where I didn't think they'd interact. And he didn't ask about her.”
Anko stopped short, and he stopped as well. When he looked at her, she was staring at him strangely.
“What?” he snapped at her, irritated by the look.
“I heard about Iruka,” she said, her hand jerking towards him, and then away. As if she meant to touch him. “For what it's worth, I'm sorry.”
He stiffened, and glared. “Why are you apologizing to me? I'm not the one who's dead.”
She looked uncomfortable, grabbing at her own arm. “Well, yeah, but I'd heard...”
“I don't care what you've heard,” he said, cutting her off with a snarl. Whirling around, he stormed into the compound, ignoring the way her words had made his stomach clench.
~*~
"I would like to see my sister again."
"Oh?" Raidou said, not really listening to the redhead.
"Yes. I do not know about Kankuro, but I would like to see Temari." Gaara looked over at Raidou with something like hope. "Have you heard where they are being kept?"
Raidou turned his face away. "I'm sorry, Gaara-kun, but I have not. No one knows."
He could feel the boy slump beside him. Raidou felt another stab of guilt.
"I will not worry," Gaara said, voice low. "I would worry if people knew."
"I will still continue to ask," Raidou said, desperate to do something that would make the boy feel better. But he knew that his words would be little comfort. There was nothing behind them but sentiment.
Conversation lapsed at this point and Raidou closed his eyes even as he turned his face up to the sun. He took a deep breath to relax himself, and allowed his mind to drift. For a moment, he was not on the third floor of the Hyuuga compound, he was out in the field, and it was not a young Sand shinobi beside him, but...
"What are you thinking about?"
His eyes snapped open. "What I lost," he said, before he could really process what had been asked.
“I... I am sorry. I do not think I should have asked.”
“No,” Raidou said, looking over at the downcast young man. “It is I who should have apologized. I... have not been myself these past couple days, and for that, I am sorry. It is not right that I should make you suffer with me.”
“Your friend... were you close?”
Raidou smiled ruefully, bemused by how well Gaara could read him. “No. I simply understood what drove him.”
Gaara was silent again, but this time Raidou could tell it was a thoughtful silence. “How?” he said finally.
“Because once I faced the same decision, but I choose the other path.”
Now the redhead looked at him with curiosity, a flicker behind the deadened eyes, thick with exhaustion.
“I do not think I can make it any clearer than that, Gaara-kun. I am still not sure what path it was, I only know that it was different from mine.”
Gaara tilted his head. “Then how do you know it is not the same path?”
The guilt, Raidou wanted to say, but did not. Instead... “Because we did not end up in the same place.”
“We are all dead, here,” Gaara said. “I have learned that you can die and still live. He simply found another way to die. But he died here. We all will.”
Raidou frowned, taken aback by the redhead's words. “I do not understand what you mean.”
“I think we will all die here,” Gaara said. “He has simply gone first.”
Raidou felt a chill go down his back. “I thought you said you would not give up, that you would not be trapped one day. What happened?”
Gaara was silent.
“Gaara-kun?”
“I... Uzumaki cries in the night. He does not know where he is at. He has not given up. I will not.”
“Your words make no sense, Gaara-kun,” Raidou said, alarmed at the note of urgency he heard in the young man's voice.
“Your friend... they tossed his head in Uzumaki's cell. He was screaming for a long time. I... I do not know if he will live. I do not think he wants to.” He looked at Raidou. “They take what is important away one by one.. will he still live when everything is gone?”
Raidou looked out over the balcony. “I would not,” he said. “I would not want to. Better to be dead than lose all that I love.”
“That is a strange idea, to me, for a shinobi,” Gaara said. “But Uzumaki was stronger than me. Because of those he cared for. But when it is all gone?”
“Some give up. Others fight on in memory of what they have lost.”
“But you would give up.”
“I... would not want to live on. I am weak, like that.”
Gaara frowned. “I do not think you are weak.”
Raidou smiled at him, a bitter twist of the lips. “If I were stronger, I would not be here.”
“Where would you be?”
“Dead, most likely. Like so many before me.”
“Then I am glad you are weak. I will be strong for the both of us,” Gaara said, a firm conviction in his voice.
Raidou was stunned. “You're glad?”
“Yes. If you had not been weak, you would not be here. And if you had not been here, I would not. I... do not think I would have come this far, if you had not been with me.”
“Gaara-kun...” Raidou said, unsure how to respond.
The boy looked at him, an uncommon seriousness in his gaze. “You are to me, what Umino-san was to Uzumaki. I do not want you to die.”
“I will not die, Gaara-kun. Not while those I care for live.”
“And... am I one of those?” he asked, hesitantly.
“Yes,” Raidou said with a smile.
Gaara looked satisfied at that, and some of the guilt melted away from him.
~*~
When he had first started working, the darkness and silence of the detention level corridor where Gaara had his cell had unnerved him greatly. It had taken him almost an hour after every shift to calm his nerves before he could face Genma. It had become easier once Gaara had begun to speak to him, but would spike on the days that Orochimaru-sama would feed Uzumaki. It hadn't been as bad after he had secured daily excursions for his charge, but the oppressive atmosphere would still cling to him.
It hadn't helped that Uzumaki only had guards occasionally. He later learned from Anko that he and the kid who had become saddled with guarding the Hyuuga heiress had lasted the longest as Detention level guards. Raidou thought that was strange, as there was no reason why it should be so hard; it's not like it was difficult to stand in the same place hours on end. With the amount of guards in the compound, it was almost inconceivable that someone should get near him. But there was something about the level, maybe the jinchuuriki who resided there, that seemed to break spirits, and as consequence Raidou was alone more often than not.
Gaara was sleeping now, a real sleep. He didn't sleep often, only passing out when he was truly exhausted. He didn't find out till later the reason why he fought against sleeping so much. He'd had mixed feelings when Gaara had told him: pity for the boy, horror at what could have been a disaster, and gratitude that the cells stopped his demon from being able to take him over. It was the only time Raidou had ever been glad for Gaara's imprisonment, and his self disgust over that had eaten him alive for weeks afterwards.
He stood up straighter from his slump against the wall when he heard footsteps approaching. He hoped it was not feeding time for Uzumaki, but he knew it had been a long time since he had last been given food. Iruka would have wanted him fed.
But he relaxed in relief when it was Anko who appeared.
“I've never seen someone as happy to see me as you, old man,” she said, amused.
He shrugged, uncomfortable. “I don't like it here. There's something strange about it.”
“Mmm.” Her eyes darted to Gaara's cell door.
“Sleeping,” Raidou said. “What are you doing here?”
This time she was the one who shrugged, and Raidou finally noticed the package she was carrying in her hands. “I heard you left the house without eating, and thought you might like something.” She gave the package a little shake, and he could hear something slosh inside. “Brought ramen. I know you hate dango.”
“That... was surprisingly thoughtful,” he said, though the thought of ramen made him sick now. He ignored the sniffles and hitched breathing in the cell across from him. It had become louder since Anko had joined him.
She snorted. “And that is surprisingly unthoughtful, Namiashi. What the fuck is up with you today?” She plopped on the ground beside him as she said that, with a gesture that he should join her. He hesitated a moment before doing so.
“It's just been a trying couple of days, Anko.”
“Genma said you were taking that teacher's death hard. He was pretty fucking surprised, too. He thought he had known everyone you had been friends with.”
“I don't see how that would matter,” Raidou said with a frown.
“Those were the ones he made a point of not telling you about,” she said, as she brought out the takeaway containers from their bag. “Here,” she said shoving one at him.
“What do you mean?” he said, accepting the food in his distraction.
She looked at him, a single glance telling him all of the different ways she thought he was an idiot. “Genma's one of his chief interrogators, Raidou. You don't let people like that just lounge around and do nothing for most of the time.”
“But I know he doesn't. He's always told me who's been caught.”
“Not everyone, he hasn't. Genma only comes across a fraction, but he's well aware of who all have been caught. And we both know that most of them are executed before the average citizen finds out they were even caught. Hell, before us most of the time. So ask yourself this Raidou: how many of your former friends do you think have probably been caught and killed?”
“He'd tell me,” Raidou whispered. “He wouldn't hold that from me.”
“He doesn't want to see you hurt.”
He looked at her. “I am not that weak,” he snarled.
“Then stop acting like a fucking woman about this,” she snapped back. “Prove to him you can handle it, and get over it.” She threw a pair of chopsticks at him, which he snatched before they could reach the ground. “Now eat your goddamn food.”
“Fine,” he said. They ate in silence, a cloud of anger swirling around them. But as the silence lengthened, he could hear Uzumaki again, weeping, mumbling something he couldn't quite pick up on. The cloud disappated, and he could hear the even breathing of Gaara behind him. Raidou put his food down, suddenly no longer hungry. Not that he had been very hungry in the first place. He couldn't remember the last time he had been truly hungry.
“You have to eat,” Anko said quietly. “He worries about how thin you are becoming. I wish I could blame that on this stupid thing, but we both know it's been going on much longer than that.” She let out a huff. “You know you had no reason to be angry over his keeping deaths from you. You're having a hard time taking care of yourself even without that knowledge.”
Raidou seethed, but he knew what she said was true. “He still had no right,” he snapped.
“He had every right,” she returned. “He only wants you to be okay. And it's pretty fucking obvious you're not.”
“He's not my goddamn nursemaid.”
“That's funny, because that's exactly what you fucking need!”
“Fuck off, Mitarashi.”
She rolled her eyes and stood. “Whatever. Watch your ass, Raidou. If you do anything stupid, I'll fucking kill you myself.”
He narrowed his eyes in suspicion, looking up at her. “If I didn't know any better, Anko-chan, I'd say you're just looking for an excuse. Running errands for my lover in the hopes of getting in his good graces?”
“You fucking prick,” she breathed, looking murderous. “See if I do you anymore favors! I hope you end up rotting in whatever diseased infested grave you're headed for!” She whirled around before storming off, hands relexively clenching and unclenching.
“Yeah, like you were doing this for me!” he shouted at her retreating back, using the wall the push himself off the ground. She stopped.
“He doesn't even know I'm down here, asshole,” she snarled back at him. “I came because I was worried about you! Or is that too much for you to understand?”
Raidou's world stood still. In the stillness, he could hear Uzumaki say, “Iruka-sensei.”
He fell to his knees, laughter bubbling out from inside. He covered his eyes, his face, trying to hold it back. It sounded hysterical to his own ears.
“Raidou!” The sound of footsteps followed his name.
“I.. I..” He couldn't speak, couldn't do anything. Couldn't be anything other than weak.
He felt arms circle around him suddenly, and when Anko pulled him to her, that's when the tears broke free. They didn't stop for a long time.
~*~
He remembered, vividly, the first time he had laid eyes on Umino Iruka after the invasion. It had been one of the few evenings Genma had been able to tell him in advance that he would be home late (if at all) and Raidou had decided their apartment would be too empty without him. He had opted to go out instead, and as he had been passing by a ramen stand had thought he had seen a familiar flop of brown hair talking to the stand's owner from the shadows. He'd become curious.
He was casual enough in his approach to the stand, and was only able to catch a small snatch of the conversation. Enough, however, to identify the man. And then he had made a mistake - he'd called out to him. Both men paused, and then Iruka was gone.
The next time he had seen Iruka had been a week later, as he had passed the same stand again, this time on his way home. His eyes had immediately focused in on a small flicker from the alley behind it, but he was used to such things. It was when the flicker paused, looked at him, and cocked his head in a clear gesture to follow that he realized who it was.
The differences had been striking to Raidou, when he had joined Iruka in the alleyway. The man looked to him as if he had aged ten years in the time since the invasion, lines of grey littering hair that had once been all brown. He was too young to have grey hair, Raidou remembered thinking. It had made him sad. They had been lunch buddies, once upon a time. Had worked together in the mission room on occasion, had always greeted each other in the street. It felt so long ago.
“I was surprised to hear that none of the village guards were on the lookout for me,” Iruka said the moment Raidou had joined him.
Raidou shrugged, careful to conceal himself in the shadows. If someone recognized Iruka, he didn't want to be seen with him. “Momentary lapse of sanity,” he replied. “What are you doing here?”
Iruka had smiled, a twist of the mouth that he recognized from all of the times it had graced his own face. It was not a happy smile, at turns bitter and mournful. “It's good to see you, Raidou-san, despite the circumstances. Do you have any intention of turning me in?”
Raidou had smiled, a genuine smile. “If I had, you wouldn't be here right now, and we both know it. And neither would that stand owner you were talking to last week.”
Iruka nodded. “I'd expected that. I'd been keeping a low profile in case you had, but when I'd heard nothing, I assumed it was safe to talk.”
They looked at each other for a long moment.
“I had assumed you were dead until I'd heard that one of our operatives spotted you in the village. Working for Orochimaru.” Iruka's tone carried just the barest hint of accusation.
Raidou flinched. “I won't justify myself to you, but I did what I had to. I had no choice.”
“You could have died,” Iruka said levelly.
“And if had been only me I was thinking about, I would have.”
Silence again.
“You chose the coward's path,” Iruka said, the accusation rife in his voice this time. “Better dead than enslaved.”
The words were a frightful echo of the one's Genma had used when they'd been captured, all those long months ago. Guilt, heavy and sick, reared itself once more, and Raidou reacted to it by shoving the younger man against the wall lightening quick, kunai to his throat. “And have you, Iruka-kun, ever loved someone so much that you would willingly sell your soul to ensure their survival?” he hissed at him.
He was close enough now to feel the rapid puffs of breath, the racing heartbeat, and the sheer level of anger in Iruka's eyes. But that wasn't all that was there; there was also determination, and a sick desperation that seemed to rival his own. But he said nothing. Raidou released him, taking a few steps away.
“What are you doing here, Iruka?”
The other man looked away. “I'm trying to find someone, but I'm having no luck. No one knows where he's at.”
Raidou frowned. “Who?”
“Uzumaki Naruto.”
Raidou starred at him.
“It's... he's not dead,” Iruka said, with a feverish certainty, as if he had to convince Raidou of it. “We would have heard about it, but no believed me. And we've heard about how the other one, the Sand demon, was being kept. If they kept him, surely Naruto is still alive...”
And there it was again, that sick desperation. In his voice, in his face, and it felt to Raidou like he was looking at his mirror image.
“He's alive,” he had found himself saying. Iruka's head snapped up, and the hope shinned so brightly in his eyes Raidou found he had to be the one to turn his head.
“How... how do you know?”
“I'm the guard for the Sand jinchuuriki, and he's in the cell directly across from him.”
Iruka starred at him for a moment before responding. “How... how is he?”
“As well as he can be, given the circumstances. I don't ever see him.”
“Is he well, at least?”
Raidou didn't answer. He had known he could not tell him the truth.
“He isn't,” Iruka murmured. “Raidou-san, where are they keeping them?”
Raidou was silent a moment, as he looked around for possible eavesdroppers. It was dangerous, what he was doing; fatal for him if caught, possibly for Genma as well. Though he had gone against everything he had stood for, all of the principles that he had prized in saving Genma and himself, he could understand Iruka at this moment. Iruka was here to save the one thing that mattered to him most, just as Raidou once had. He'd found himself unable to turn his back on that.
“How much do you know about the people who tried to take the Hyuuga heiress back in February?”
“Hanabi?”
“Hinata.” Then he frowned. “Hanabi? Isn't she dead?”
Iruka shook his head. “No, she's safe outside of the village, and don't you dare ask me where. But we had to move after some of Orochimaru's shinobi tried to get her from us.”
Raidou nodded. “What time of the month?”
“Beginning of March, actually. Why?”
“I suspect that earlier than that was when some of your people tried to take Hinata from us. She was being held in the same compound as the other two, if not the same exact area.” He shook his head. “It's not important... I was just hoping you knew, as it would make it easier.”
“Why?”
“Because they're all being held in the Hyuuga compound.”
“Shit,” Iruka snarled, running a hand over his hair. “I thought that place was a little more guarded than it needed to be. Where at in the compound?”
"Iruka, you won't make it. The place is more guarded now than it was back in March."
"Would that stop you?"
The two men studied each other in the dark alleyway. Raidou had known that if it had been Genma, it wouldn't have mattered, he still would have tried to free him. But Raidou had also known, with an odd flash of insight, that he didn't want anything to happen to Iruka either. And yet, he was hell bent on this. And if he didn't tell him, he'd rush in the compound and get himself killed that much quicker. It was too late to back out now.
"I can't be there when you arrive," Raidou said finally. "If you took him on my watch, I'd be immediately indicated. And you don't dare do it at night, either; the night time guards are a special breed of vicious."
It had been on the night watch that they'd attempted to take the Hyuuga heiress. And with her room being in the open now...
"So when the guard changes, then," Iruka said grimly.
"No," Raidou said. The night watch would still be on alert until they were off of the compound. It would still be too risky. "About fifteen minutes after the day watch takes over. And you'll want the northeast wall. The entrance to the detention level is located there."
"And Naruto?"
"Southwest, furthermost point away from the entrance."
"So very deep in," Iruka murmured. "Raidou-san... you said not while you were on watch. But you're day watch, aren't you?"
Raidou nodded. "But sometimes, usually a couple hours after the start of my shift, I escort the Sand jinchuuriki to the surface. I'll be away for a whole hour; you'll have to take Uzumaki then." Raidou paused. "If a shadow should flicker nearby, I do not think I will bother to find out what caused it."
Iruka had relaxed at that and nodded. "Thank you, Raidou-san."
And then he was gone, and Raidou was alone in the alley.
Another week passed by before he would see Iruka again. But he'd heard, from Anko and the lingering conversation of the guards that he passed by every morning, that they had discovered that there was a spy snooping around the village. Thankfully, nothing about the spy near where the prisoners were being kept, but it was barely known to most of the shinobi that the Hyuuga compound was anything other than Orochimaru's new residence.
But he had been worried. Worried that Iruka would be caught, that Iruka would be killed. That Iruka would spill everything he knew before he died. He'd been angry at himself for telling as much as he had - he'd had nightmares for days afterwards, each one a different way that it could backfire on him. He remembered thinking that things would be fine once Iruka did what he'd come to do and finally left.
He knew, if Iruka had succeeded, he would have been.
It had been one morning, as he had been escorting Gaara out of the detention level, that he saw the telltale hair in the shadows near a corner. He froze.
"There's a man in the corner there," Gaara had murmured.
"I know, Gaara-kun. Hush now and wait here."
He approached Iruka, worried, nervous, hyper aware that if he was caught, he'd be dead. After his warning, he knew there would only be one reason Iruka would dare to expose himself. It should have occurred to him how easy it was to get lost in the detention level, but he had been there for so long that he had no longer thought about it. Many cells, few prisoners.
"Lost?" Raidou whispered, not looking at the other man, but rather at a point slightly to the right.
"Yes," Iruka whispered back. "I don't know how long I've been down here."
"You're fairly deep in," Raidou said. "Just follow the path behind me now. Stay straight, but at the second intersection, make a left. The cell you want will be half way down that corridor, on the right."
"Thank you." And then Iruka was gone.
"He is a friend," he told Gaara when he rejoined him. "Please say nothing to anyone."
Gaara nodded and they continued their trek to the surface.
It would be the last time he would ever see Iruka.
~*~
There was always a warm pot of tea left on the table when he came home after his shift.
It was small, and worn, and darkened with age. There were hints of its previous color on certain parts, a pure white, but most of it had long since been stained away. The two most dominant stains were large, almost black, circles clinging on each side of the pot where it billowed out. Darker in the middle than it was at the edges, it gave the illusion of bruises on a woman's cheek. On each side there were also four more smaller circles, fanning from the bottom to the top. He placed his hands on the pot now, palms covering the larger bruises, fingers nearly a match for the smaller ones.
It had been his mother's teapot, given to him shortly before she died. Genma started work later than he did, and would always come home for lunch during the mid afternoon. He'd always make a pot of tea for Raidou, and leave it on a warmer in the middle of the table, so it would be the first thing he'd see upon entering the kitchen.
Today, however, there was also a note laying next to the pot, telling him that Genma had another late night. It happened frequently, and if Genma was trying to break their newest victim before being forced to turn him over to Kabuto, he supposed Genma would use up as much time as he could get away with. But he knew it also meant the man had still to break, which left Raidou with mixed emotions. He was probably not connected to Iruka, but he still worried about it.
He sighed.
Normally, he would leave the apartment. But tonight, he couldn't summon the energy. Anko had stayed with him after his breakdown, had escorted him home at shift change. She had tried to convince to go home sooner, but he would not abandon his post. He'd behaved horribly to her tonight, and she hadn't deserved it. Not really. But he had nowhere else to let out what he had been feeling since the day before.
The teapot, on a normal day, would bring some comfort to him. Genma only ever used this particular teapot when he felt Raidou was having a hard time of it, and could use the familiarity. It always made him smile... but now it felt like part of a different life. A better life, where nothing had been compromised, where he had not been forced to give up his self respect.
Iruka had been right, he knew. He'd chosen the coward's path, and now he could be nothing but a coward. He wondered how things would have been had he not chosen what he he had, had instead held to his conviction like his lover had. Shorter, he supposed. A quick death for him, a longer one for Genma. Genma had been intelligence, after all, and they would have wanted anything he'd known out of him before they'd finally killed him.
Maybe it would have been better that way.
But then Gaara would have been alone. Who knows how he would be now if not for Raidou? It had been him that had found a way to feel the air, to see the sun every day. He, who had finally responded to the boy's attempts at conversation, who had reached back when Gaara had reached out for any sort of comfort.
Genma had been what landed him here, but it was Gaara who forced him to remain.
But for how much longer?
A sudden crack, and the feeling of warm water on his hands dragged his eyes down to the pot.
His breath hitched. It had fallen apart in his hands... his mother's favorite pot, the teapot she had used throughout all of his boyhood. He stared at it, as it continued to break and fragment, settling on becoming several large pieces and innumerable shards. He felt the grief build up anew, though no tears would fall. He had no more tears to shed, the darkness and the madness had taken them from him.
And hours later, this was how Genma found him.