[1st Portal] Enter the Moron

[chattersphere]

[There's a thud and a new arrival is unceremoniously dumped right in the middle of one of the lovely grassy plains.

The newcomer is quite unusual in appearance, he looks much like an over-sized beach ball made of metal with two handlebars at opposite sides. In the middle of his body is a large digital eye, complete with eyelids.

He appears to have

Comments

[engelkampfer]

[And what's the first thing this robotic eyeball encounters in this strange, new outside? A stick. To be more specific, a young German girl poking it with a stick. Have fun with that.]

This is the most useless basketball I have ever seen.

[chattersphere]

[Wheatley blinks and winces as the stick pokes him right in the optic.] Hey! What are you doing?

You're...you're not the brain-damaged lady... At least, I don't think so. There are some similarities, I must admit, but humans all look pretty similar. At least, I think so, no offense meant. You are speaking, and I never never ever heard her say a single word.

Also! I am not a basketball and I most certainly am not useless. I am quite an accomplished hacker, I watched over the smelly humans for years, and, might I add, I came up with a foolproof plan to take down her.

[He catches himself and looks embarrassed.] Er...sorry about that... I didn't mean anything by the 'smelly human' remark. Humans really are quite great, I mean that honestly.

[engelkampfer]

[Asuka listens to the chatter with an expression of total disinterest gracing her features, before she gingerly picks Wheatley up and holds him an arm's length away, at eye level.]

All right, you're not a basketball, that much is pretty obvious. So what are you? Besides a hacker, I mean.

[chattersphere]

[He doesn't mind being picked up, it's much easier to talk this way.

Wheatley looks quite pleased with himself as he answers her.]

I'm an Aperture Science Personality Core! Created by the scientists at Aperture Laboratories to help out with day to day operations around the facility! I have er....held, yes, held several positions around the facility including assistant to the guy in charge of the neurotoxin button, the guy who looks after the humans in the Relaxation Chambers, and, most recently, nanobot helping to rebuild parts of the facility. Though, I got fired from that job because the rail was too close to the work site and didn't accommodate a nanobot of my size. Prejudice, that's what it was.

[tankhandsftw]

I do not have a 'portal gun'.

[chattersphere]

[Wheatley blinks and looks her over.]

I expect you wouldn't. The brain-damaged lady has the only one I've ever seen. And you don't seem to be her. Unless the malfunctioning portal gun somehow changed her into you. Which I don't think it did, but you can never be too sure about these things.

[soulpaths]

[Hello strange, talking, metal beach ball suddenly in the middle of this field we're wandering through.

Have an Urotsuki giving you a slight nudge with her foot rather than replying to anything you just said]

[chattersphere]

[Wheatley doesn't immediately see Urosuki and is surprised by the nudge.] What's that?

[He flips his eye around and looks her over. He seems quite confused.] Oh...you're not the brain-damaged lady, are you? Hmm, didn't think so, you don't look much like her.

It's odd though, I thought all the humans in Aperture were um...dead. Not that I'm unhappy to see you alive, on the contrary! The more humans we have, the easier it'll be to stop her.

Um...however...you don't look like a test subject. Are you the child of one of the scientists? Were you present on Take Your Daughter to Work Day? That...that didn't go too well, did it?

[soulpaths]

[Urotsuki frowns, headtilting at this. We don't know what you're talking about metal beach ball.]

[chattersphere]

[Wheatley tilts his middle eye section right back at her.] Uh...oh dear. Do...do you have brain damage as well?

Let's try what I used before on the other lady... Can you say 'Apple'? A short, nice word. An easy one. And it starts with the first letter of the alphabet! Elementary.

[iridophobia]

[Oh wait. This isn't a lady at all. It's a teenage boy.

A teenage boy making odd, strained whining sounds. Perhaps he's broken?

Oh wait now he's just wailing and sobbing and just generally completely losing his shit because oh sweet fancy Moses what is that and why is it talking endlessly about ladies and killing things and portal guns that explode and oh god is he going to die?]

[chattersphere]

[Your sudden wailing and sobbing has now freaked Wheatley out and he is just going to spazz at you as well. He's talking faster now and looking around rapidly. He's quite prone to panicking if things aren't going well and by your reaction, they aren't going well at all.]

What's going on? Are you dying? Am I dying? I do not want to die again, that was unpleasant enough the first time! Ah, is it her? Did she find us? We haven't shut down the neurotoxin yet! This is not good, not good at all!

I've got to think, I've got to say something to keep her from killing me again... Ah, hello! I've brought you a test subject!

[iridophobia]

[Jacuzzi jumps as Wheatley's reactions only get worse. He grabs his head, visibly shaking, looking around in panic, still sobbing uncontrollably.]

W-who?! who's dyin?! I"m... Are you gonna kill me? Are you some kinda bomb? OH GOD DO BOMBS TALK NOW?! W-Who's 'she'? W-why does she wanna kill me?! I .. I ain't done nothin'!! Really!!! N-No one's gotta die!! We ain't gotta fight at all!!!

[chattersphere]

[Wheatley blinks and looks around.] I thought you were dying, but we're in luck! She's not anywhere to be found and there's no turrets, either! We're perfectly safe!

Uh no...I'm not a bomb. Not last time I checked anyways. It would have been handy to be a bomb when she decided to crush me, but that's all in the past, no sense dwelling on unpleasant memories.

All that wouldn't matter to her. She's a real nasty piece of work and doesn't take a liking to anyone. She killed all of the scientists. Though, if it wasn't for that, us cores wouldn't have had run of the facility. Huh, hadn't thought about it that way before. Still! Nothing good comes of being around her. Ever. I have firsthand experience, I would know.