the best two years of my life
these are all like in random order.. and i cant figure out the lj cut.. ill try tomorow i feel like shit now...
Our first night together:
our first kiss:
still after that we where nervous with eachother:
but we got over it:
I couldn’t see the writing on this when I uploaded it.. but:
the drive in, in julians van:
she liked that shirt:
on her couuuch:
then there was Chelan.. the most memorable part of our first year:
there where a lot more.. a lot more meant for the older crowd.. hehe
her couch again:
Halloween at lukes house:
downtown oly:
my brothers:
haha.. that’s happened twice there..
theres homecoming.. I wish I had made this day a lot more special:
new years:
downtown oly again.. so many memories there.. it was our second home for the first year.(but I think these where more recent):
reliving old memories (theres a pic from a long time ago that looks the same..):
old school pizza:
4th of july this year camping:
we woke up EARLY in the morning to go to wild waves..
visiting my brothers for the day:
laying in the grass in a park downtown Shelton:
eating at arbys (Wendy’s was our spot to eat though):
stunna shades:
drew and kyles:
I was waiting for her so I bought chalk:
we always talked about going to the beach together.. and we fianly did, but there was a strait wall of clouds when we got on.. I was always hoping for a sunny evening there with her:
I like this pic:
adventures we have went on:
There’s so many more memories.. Her living at my house on the weekends, her living at my house for weeks, so many days downtown oly, going in her school while waiting for her, hanging out with so many people.. There soo many more..
These where the best two years of my life… these memories can never be taken away from me now.. Now that its over its all I have.. Im still verymuch in love with her.. She stuck with me as long as she did.. Which is AMAZING.. I wasn’t the best boyfriend.. Most defiantly wasn’t. But we made each other happy. I was always jealous of things she would do.. I never wanted to lose her.. I would have been happy for the rest of my life with her.. But ive messed it up now.. Its done forever..
I think that’s what hurts most.. Thinking about the future and what we had in store for us. The thought there could be SO many more of these memories but I messed it up. I don’t know where im going in life without her.. She was my world but I never showed it.. I don’t know what im going to do.. She made my days go.. She made me have a reason to be doing anything with my life.. She… was amazing.
There’ll never be someone in my life that has meant so much to me as her. Im hoping shell be in my future.. Maybe as a friend… maybe well get together far into the future.. Time can only tell… life goes on I guess.. My life has just come to a halt.. I fucked it up for the last time. Why would I do this? I have no idea myself..
What am I going to do?.. Tomorrow.. How will I be able to keep myself from her.. How will I be able to keep myself from calling her forever… it hurts.. it hurts so bad to think of how stupid I was.. How I lost something everyone in the world would give anything for.. Love.. Why did I do this to her?
There’s so many thoughts going threw my head that I cant process them clearly.. she has everything great going on in her life.. She’s in collage and works.. She’s got a lot of friends shell never lose.. I was only dragging her down.. Reality kicks in.. Im speechless.. Ive lost all control over myself. I have this feeling.. Of hope.. That shell love me back.. But I know it’s the wrong thing to think.. I just want the best for her
to hear her say she doesn’t love me anymore.. Ruins me.. To actually hear it said.. To know she means it.. To know all these feelings have been thrown away over 2 minutes.. Over something I should have had control over but I lost it.. I let it slip away. Now I have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life.
I could talk about her for days upon days about the best memories… but her memories are a lot different. If I where put in her shoes with her doing what I have done.. Id hate everything about me too.. I don’t deserve love. Love is something for good people… and I cant be that person she wants.. That boy over the first year.. I can.. I need to find myself.. But its too late already.. How do I start my life over? How do I get threw this.. this is going to be the hardest times im going to feel until death… I don’t deserve love…. I don’t deserve her…