The Barrel, and then the hospital- Friday night
So, Jaye had been ordered to set Sharon up. Nevermind that Sharon was a lesbian. The lion had told her to set her up with the UPS guy- aka Poor Bitch- at the store and Poor Bitch it was gonna be. Of course she'd also pissed Sharon off yesterday, so when she'd had to leave four messages, telling her it was life and death and also to wear something slimming, Sharon showed up, but she didn't look happy about it.
"This better be good, because I'm having a real hard time getting it up for your drama," Sharon greeted her.
"She'll have a glass of chardonnay," Jaye told the passing waitress, and looked Sharon over. "You call that slimming?"
"How many people did you ask to dinner before you asked me?"
"None," Jaye said honestly.
Only now did Sharon sit down, hesitantly. "Did you get fired?"
"No," she frowned. "Do you remember Thomas?"
"Who?"
"The cute UPS guy at the store."
"Um, vaguely," Sharon said, confused. "What about him?"
In a stroke of amazing timing, Jaye looked up to see Poor Bitch at the door. "Look who's here! Hi, Thomas!" she called, waving him over.
He had flowers, and thought Sharon was hot, and looked pretty stoked to be here. "Hi," he said, setting the flowers down next to her. "These are for you."
"Oh, that is so sweet," Jaye said. "Look how beautiful those are. I have to go to the bathroom."
"You just went," Sharon said pointedly, trying to get her to stay.
"No, I didn't!" Jaye said, already bouncing out of her seat.
She went right to the bar, where the hot new bartender Eric was serving some other people. "Psst!" she said, calling him over. "Quick, get me drunk."
There was a tray on the bar that he slid over. "Jell-o shooter?"
"Do you have grape?"
"That's not the bathroom!" Sharon yelled from the table where she'd been stranded on a date with the wrong gender.
Jaye took the drink and headed over to the far side of the bar. Eric followed, asking, "So what's going on?"
"Oh, you know," she said. "A little wax lion told me to set my sister up."
"The... wait, what?"
After years of dealing with this, Jaye was used to talking about it like it was normal and people thinking she was crazy, so that was nothing new. "There's a little smushed-face wax lion that tells me how to do things. And it's newest thing was setting my sister up."
"You think the wax lion wants your sister to have sex?" he asked.
"Maybe. I don't judge."
"Does the wax lion ever tell you to burn things or hurt people?"
"Not so far but it's probably working up to that," Jaybe said, casually.
Eric smiled. "You're just teasing me about the lion, right?"
"Of course," Jaye lied. Normally she'd stick with it, because she didn't care what people thought of her, mostly. But he was cute, and she liked him, and he'd already had a rough time. He'd been here a week, after his wife cheated on him on his honeymoon and he left the hotel room, walked into this bar, and stayed till someone gave him a job. He'd hit on Jaye the other day when they met, and while she thought he could do better than a crazy girl, all things considered, she still didn't want to make him not like her. She downed the shot, and said, "I think I've been in the bathroom a really long time."
With a smile, she walked over to the table, where Sharon and Poor Bitch were aggressively eating their food. "Sorry. Someone in the bathroom was talking to me about pirates."
"Did you know your sister's a lesbian?" Poor Bitch asked.
Yeah, she did, and she was a sucky sister for doing this but it was the universe's fault, not hers. Also, dick move there, dude. "Listen, buddy, jus- Did you have that goiter there before?"
Poor Bitch stopped, and felt his neck, which was rapidly swelling. "Is there shellfish in this?"
*****
A few minutes later, as Jaye sped towards the hospital with Sharon and Poor Bitch in the backseat, she asked, "Is he breathing?"
"I don't think so," Sharon said, over Poor Bitch's gasps for breath.
"Maybe we should trache him."
Sharon paused. "Do you have a pen?"
"Fine tip or ball point?" Jaye asked, reaching into her purse and offering both into the backseat.
*****
Okay so the tracheotomy had been a terrible idea, and then they were bringing an anaphylactic stabbing victim into the ER. But they fixed him up, with the doctor even giving Jaye advice on the correct pen to use for an emergency tracheotomy. And when he regained consciousness, Jaye was sitting at his bedside with a magazine, while Sharon and Poor Bitch's ex-wife stood around.
"You're not going to sue us, are you, because this really is your fault," Jaye told him. "As a person with a deadly food allergy, you should really learn how to read a menu."
Poor Bitch responded with some pained noise, and Jaye looked up to see Sharon and the ex making moon eyes at each other over his bed. "What are you doing?" Jaye asked.
"Nothing," Sharon said quickly. "Let it go."
"So that's how it is," Jaye said, realizing. She wasn't supposed to get Sharon with Poor Bitch, she was supposed to get Sharon with Poor Bitch's wife.
"What?"
"You know what?"
"As delightful as this has been, I have work in the morning," Sharon said, pulling out her wallet. "Do you have money for a cab?"
"No."
"I'll give you a ride," the ex said.
"Great!" Sharon said, just a little too enthusiastically. "Great!"
The two quickly hurried out of the room, and Jaye said, "You don't even know where she's going."
"Feel better!" the ex-wife smiled at Poor Bitch, before disappearing down the hall.
Jaye looked over to an agonized-looking Poor Bitch. "At least now you know it wasn't you."
[I'm finally doing canon, years late!! From Wonderfalls 1x1, Wax Lion. OOC fine, la.]
"This better be good, because I'm having a real hard time getting it up for your drama," Sharon greeted her.
"She'll have a glass of chardonnay," Jaye told the passing waitress, and looked Sharon over. "You call that slimming?"
"How many people did you ask to dinner before you asked me?"
"None," Jaye said honestly.
Only now did Sharon sit down, hesitantly. "Did you get fired?"
"No," she frowned. "Do you remember Thomas?"
"Who?"
"The cute UPS guy at the store."
"Um, vaguely," Sharon said, confused. "What about him?"
In a stroke of amazing timing, Jaye looked up to see Poor Bitch at the door. "Look who's here! Hi, Thomas!" she called, waving him over.
He had flowers, and thought Sharon was hot, and looked pretty stoked to be here. "Hi," he said, setting the flowers down next to her. "These are for you."
"Oh, that is so sweet," Jaye said. "Look how beautiful those are. I have to go to the bathroom."
"You just went," Sharon said pointedly, trying to get her to stay.
"No, I didn't!" Jaye said, already bouncing out of her seat.
She went right to the bar, where the hot new bartender Eric was serving some other people. "Psst!" she said, calling him over. "Quick, get me drunk."
There was a tray on the bar that he slid over. "Jell-o shooter?"
"Do you have grape?"
"That's not the bathroom!" Sharon yelled from the table where she'd been stranded on a date with the wrong gender.
Jaye took the drink and headed over to the far side of the bar. Eric followed, asking, "So what's going on?"
"Oh, you know," she said. "A little wax lion told me to set my sister up."
"The... wait, what?"
After years of dealing with this, Jaye was used to talking about it like it was normal and people thinking she was crazy, so that was nothing new. "There's a little smushed-face wax lion that tells me how to do things. And it's newest thing was setting my sister up."
"You think the wax lion wants your sister to have sex?" he asked.
"Maybe. I don't judge."
"Does the wax lion ever tell you to burn things or hurt people?"
"Not so far but it's probably working up to that," Jaybe said, casually.
Eric smiled. "You're just teasing me about the lion, right?"
"Of course," Jaye lied. Normally she'd stick with it, because she didn't care what people thought of her, mostly. But he was cute, and she liked him, and he'd already had a rough time. He'd been here a week, after his wife cheated on him on his honeymoon and he left the hotel room, walked into this bar, and stayed till someone gave him a job. He'd hit on Jaye the other day when they met, and while she thought he could do better than a crazy girl, all things considered, she still didn't want to make him not like her. She downed the shot, and said, "I think I've been in the bathroom a really long time."
With a smile, she walked over to the table, where Sharon and Poor Bitch were aggressively eating their food. "Sorry. Someone in the bathroom was talking to me about pirates."
"Did you know your sister's a lesbian?" Poor Bitch asked.
Yeah, she did, and she was a sucky sister for doing this but it was the universe's fault, not hers. Also, dick move there, dude. "Listen, buddy, jus- Did you have that goiter there before?"
Poor Bitch stopped, and felt his neck, which was rapidly swelling. "Is there shellfish in this?"
*****
A few minutes later, as Jaye sped towards the hospital with Sharon and Poor Bitch in the backseat, she asked, "Is he breathing?"
"I don't think so," Sharon said, over Poor Bitch's gasps for breath.
"Maybe we should trache him."
Sharon paused. "Do you have a pen?"
"Fine tip or ball point?" Jaye asked, reaching into her purse and offering both into the backseat.
*****
Okay so the tracheotomy had been a terrible idea, and then they were bringing an anaphylactic stabbing victim into the ER. But they fixed him up, with the doctor even giving Jaye advice on the correct pen to use for an emergency tracheotomy. And when he regained consciousness, Jaye was sitting at his bedside with a magazine, while Sharon and Poor Bitch's ex-wife stood around.
"You're not going to sue us, are you, because this really is your fault," Jaye told him. "As a person with a deadly food allergy, you should really learn how to read a menu."
Poor Bitch responded with some pained noise, and Jaye looked up to see Sharon and the ex making moon eyes at each other over his bed. "What are you doing?" Jaye asked.
"Nothing," Sharon said quickly. "Let it go."
"So that's how it is," Jaye said, realizing. She wasn't supposed to get Sharon with Poor Bitch, she was supposed to get Sharon with Poor Bitch's wife.
"What?"
"You know what?"
"As delightful as this has been, I have work in the morning," Sharon said, pulling out her wallet. "Do you have money for a cab?"
"No."
"I'll give you a ride," the ex said.
"Great!" Sharon said, just a little too enthusiastically. "Great!"
The two quickly hurried out of the room, and Jaye said, "You don't even know where she's going."
"Feel better!" the ex-wife smiled at Poor Bitch, before disappearing down the hall.
Jaye looked over to an agonized-looking Poor Bitch. "At least now you know it wasn't you."
[I'm finally doing canon, years late!! From Wonderfalls 1x1, Wax Lion. OOC fine, la.]