I'm venting and I don't care
My life is so.. stupid. I hate it. Everything about it is just.. horrible. I never do anything, or.. want to do anything for that matter. If I get invited somewhere.. I will most likely make up an excuse so I don't have to go. I really could care less if my friends hate me because.. most of the time I enjoy being alone. I feel stuck here in Florida. And frankly, I'm so sick of it I have thought lately about running away. But I would be found easily.. the only place I would want to be is where I would go. Pennsylvania. I don't even dream of talking to my mom about this anymore because she is such a wreck herself I'm afraid she'll throw me out the window or something. Basically what I do all day is the following : Lay on my bedroom floor, write, cry, go on the computer, watch TV, cry some more. I eat occasionally but for the most part, I haven't been able to because I cry so much that I get sick. Pathetic I know. Unhealthy I know. But if i tell my mom she will put me on medication, now i know I dont need medication. I just need to get the hell out of Florida. Now I know my friends, Like Jordan and Aly try to help me and I know they are always there for me. But there comes a time in someones life when they realize not what they want, but what they need. And I think I need to get out of here before something bad happens to me. I'm on the verge of a break down and that shit ain't cool. I talk to Justin (guy from Pennsylvania that I like A LOT) every day practically and he begs me to move up there. And it's easier said than done, but I know it could be done. I know lately I have been sounding pretty selfish, but I never ask my mom for anything. So you would think now that I actually want something that would make me happy she would listen. And I understand that she can't move. But honestly, I think im insane. Or going insane. Who just lays on their bedroom floor and cries and just stares into space for 30 minutes straight dreaming of the good life? Uh... freaks. I want to be in Pennsylvania where I can be with Justin, and have my best friend in the whole world by my side, Leanne. I guess no one even understands where I am coming from when I say stupid shit like this, but.. well.. I need to get it out and I complain way too much on xanga.
Fuck.. I go back to school on wednesday. I'm gonna shoot myself in the fucking neck. I hate this place so much. I need to find out what the hell is wrong with me. Actually, I know what it is. I need Leanne, right now. In the same room as me, making fun of eachother, talking about boys, whatever. I need her. I need Brad to tell me stories of when he was high. I need Justin to.. be Justin and make me laugh and let me call him a fag. I NEEEEEED out of florida.
I know this is all pretty upsetting to Jordan, because she is so used to me turning to her when there is a problem. And I still do, she is an amazing friend to me. And if I ever did leave her and Aly would be people i would never ever forget. They got me through some hard times. So Jordan if you read this please don't think that I hate you, or can't trust you. I just.. i'm dying or something. I'm not me anymore. Please don't hate me.