"Police were unable to locate a squirrel running through the walls of a Pelham Road home."

[faustnbulbous]

For much of my life, I grew up reading the weekly police blotter in the Amherst Bulletin. There is something oddly poetic in the way they sum up everyday situations in ways that make them infinitely more intriguing and puzzling than the events themselves. for example:

* 6:22 p.m. - Youths playing a game with what was described as a ball of fire

Comments

[brooklebee]

wow, those are both ridiculous and fantastic. My friend from Connecticut and I spent way too long reading and laughing and sharing those (mostly the Harper's article) today.

[faustnbulbous]

The ones involving animals are the best. Like:

8:41 a.m. A squirrel that was acting oddly on North East Street was gone when police got there.

What, pray tell, did they plan to do to the poor squirrel if he didn't check out OK?

I like them all

[brooklebee]

Speaking of animals, this is so great:

9:15 p.m. A golden retriever by the side of Montague Road was just taking a nap and had not been hit by a vehicle.

But also:

11:23 p.m. Children riding Big Wheels on the sidewalks at South Point Apartments were gone when police got there.

The police in Amherst must be really slow if they are unable to prevail in a high-speed chase involving Big Wheels.

[trapsparky]

it would be really great if they filmed episodes of "Cops" with these people. whole half hours of the police showing up to find the reported nuisance gone, or showing up to report that everything checked out ok.

[faustnbulbous]

Every episode of Cops I've ever seen did seem to play out the same way. Like they'd get a call about somebody abusing drugs and show up at the scene to find some junkie passed out on the curb, all the while assuring the camera that "these people can get incredibly violent".

[satanjesus]

The musty crotch of Millie Klimp
Was muddy brown and smelled like shrimp
She teased it with a stick one day
To find that it had rotted away
Now she keeps her husband limp