When I was a boy, I had a friend who told me he was a vampire. I watched him drink blood, he exhibited superhuman strength and speed, hid from crosses and sunlight, he hated garlic passionately. Months later he confessed it was a hoax, but he still showed all the same signs of vampirism. I grew up, and now I hang a clove of garlic in my window ( Read more... )

Last night I had a truly singular experience. As I waited in my bed for Morpheus to take me, I felt as though I were reclining in the palm of the hand of God. I experienced a few minutes of disorientation. Since I was a small child, I've always questioned the existence of God, and I was rather confused to find myself where I was. However, I ( Read more... )

I searched through obituaries with my name today. I was alarmed by two things. First, if I follow the trend, I'll be lucky to make it through my forties. I suppose that's alright, though, I expect to be killed at 42. The second thing that bothered me is that no mention was made of what these men did with their lives. I guess you really just ( Read more... )

I went to visit my parents' grave today. I told them that I hoped they were peaceful, wherever they were, and that I hoped I was living up to what they hoped I'd be. Then my father's ghost appeared and asked me why I was talking to their graves. "You know that there is no afterlife," said the ghost. "Go home." So I left some roses and went

I'm writing this on the plane back from Cairo. The time has been doctored to correspond to the time I'm writing. I took the dog's advice and went on an adventure. I flew to Cairo during the night. After I got out of the airport, I got in a cab and told the driver to take me someplace I could buy protection. He dropped me at a secluded little ( Read more... )

This afternoon I looked after the little girl who lives next door. I sat with my dog and watched her go through half a bucket of sidewalk chalk. The dog told me that my life was too boring and that I needed to go have an adventure. I told him that I'd take him with on the adventure if he told me how I could find true love. He said he was a dog ( Read more... )

At dusk, I sat against the lone tree in a large field bordered by two roads. Sparse traffic wandered by, occasionally diverting my attention from the darkening sky and the choruses of crickets. When the last of the cars finally faded from view, though, I saw a cloud of black emerge from the grass. I was alarmed at first, but then it lit up. I ( Read more... )

I sat under a tree today and envisioned what would happen if someone brought an automatic weapon into Central Park and annihilated as many people as they could. Rather than describe the carnage to which I bore witness, I will instead encourage you to vote supporting gun control.

I met an old friend of mine today. She said she was getting married to a man from Calcutta. When he arrived to take her to the church, he turned out to be a nine-year old girl from Wichita. She wore pigtails, but had in a deep voice and spoke of the Vedas with some knowledge. I took the child to be possessed, thanked her for her time, and ( Read more... )

Today I discovered Chinatown by accident. I went into a small grocery store to examine foods I didn't know with labels I couldn't read. The clerk told me that for five dollars, a man upstairs would tell me about my death. I went upstairs and paid the man five dollars. He told me that I was already dead. Furthermore, I'd never been born in the ( Read more... )