Some Short Fics Before the Main Feature...
Hi! Welcome to Fawkes_07's playground of the mind. This LJ serves as the home of many a Harry Potter Fanfic. The main story, Harry Potter and the Heirs of Slytherin, appears below, but I have a few fun ficcies you can enjoy in advance. Thus:
Monty Python's Two-Minute Harry Potter Septilogy
WARNING: The following fanfic is extremely silly.
FADE IN.
HOGWARTS QUIDDITCH PITCH
CEDRIC DIGGORY (Michael Palin--->) makes his way through the Triwizard Tournament Maze. Starting at upper right of frame, he begins the long, arduous trek through the waist-high rows of, ahem, shrubbery. This is punctuated frequently by threatening growls and roars, followed immediately by his screams as various unseen knee-biter enemies attack him within the maze.
Finally, bedraggled and footsore, he reaches the center of the maze at FOREFRONT of frame, catching his breath as HE FACES US with obvious glee, while casually reaching for the Triwizard Cup.
DIGGORY
It's
CEDRIC's hand brushes the cup and he disappears.
[Theme Music (an MP2 file)]
GODRIC'S HOLLOW, BEDROOM
JAMES POTTER (<----Graham Chapman) and
LILY POTTER (Eric Idle---->)
are in bed, bidding each other good night. JAMES turns out the bedside lamp.
SECONDS LATER, sound effect: doorbell. "Ding Dong."
JAMES POTTER
Oh, now it's 2 AM on Halloween night,
I'd better get the door then.
LILY POTTER
Right-i-o, dear.
JAMES fumbles his way out of the dark room, muttering.
GODRIC'S HOLLOW, LIVING ROOM
The DOORBELL SOUND repeats as JAMES makes his way downstairs and finds a light switch.
JAMES POTTER
I'm coming, I'm coming...
(opens door wide, no one there)
What now, is this some sort of prank?
SOUND EFFECT: Respirator (2 breaths)
JAMES POTTER
Why, Darth Vader! What a surprise!
Come in, please, welcome!
JAMES ushers in DARTH VADER warmly, if not entirely sincerely, shakes his hand, closes door behind him. VADER waves at JAMES to call his attention to VADER'S hand, then squeezes said hand in a tight fist. JAMES claws painfully at his throat a few seconds, until VADER playfully releases his fist and makes a "gotcha" gesture. JAMES laughs and nods, pointing back at VADER.
JAMES POTTER
Oh, you got me again, you old rascal,
you. Do have a seat, won't you, I'll
get us something from the kitchen...
SOUND EFFECT: Doorbell, interrupts JAMES. Puzzled, he heads back to the door.
JAMES POTTER
Well, what do you think of that,
another visitor...
(opens door)
Sauron! Sauron, old friend! Let me take
your mace! Darth, have you met the
Lord of Mordor? Please, come in!
As JAMES (straining under the weight of SAURON'S immense mace) ushers SAURON to VADER, the two shake hands and nod as if making pleasant small talk. WE CAN ONLY HEAR mutterings, as both are in their masks.
JAMES POTTER
Now, perhaps a little tea? Earl
Grey? Will that do?
SOUND EFFECT: Doorbell, interrupts JAMES again. Now looking a bit flustered, he returns to the door. WE SEE him in profile as he opens the door. His face lights up, but before he can even speak, a hideous, slimy, toothy projection rams through his rib cage, coming out of his back. It quickly retracts as JAMES winces, but he keeps smiling politely the entire time.
JAMES POTTER
Oh, look who's here! It's the Alien
Queen! Come in, my dear, I was just
going to serve some refreshments...
JAMES escorts the insectoid, tentacled ALIEN QUEEN on his arm to meet the other guests. He smiles politely as he tries not to draw attention to the viscous goo that he must now wipe from his hands after touching the ALIEN. Again, JAMES makes a bit of SMALL TALK with the guests, of the "do have a seat, I'll be off to the kitchen" variety.
SOUND EFFECT: Doorbell. Guests are obviously getting along famously, but JAMES is beginning to get weary of the unexpected guests. But, he gamely opens the door.
JAMES POTTER
Lord Voldemort! Do come in--
LORD VOLDEMORT (Terry Gilliam--->)
Avada Kedavra!
James drops dead in a flash of green light. VADER, SAURON and the ALIEN QUEEN fall silent a moment, then lean close conspiratorially and begin muttering their disapproval of the rude arrival.
LORD VOLDEMORT ignores this and tromps up the STAIRS toward the bedroom.
BEDROOM
LILY has the light on; all the noise has woken BABY HARRY (portrayed by a toy baby doll). WE HEAR the baby's cries as LILY tries, in a genuine but ineffective manner, to comfort little HARRY.
VOLDEMORT throws open the bedroom door. LILY drops HARRY unceremoniously on the bed and leaps at him, fists flailing.
LILY POTTER
No, no, no! Oh, you awful man! Don't
hurt Harry! Kill me instead!
LORD VOLDEMORT
(trying to point his wand at her)
I'm trying to kill you, you silly
cow! Hold still!
They struggle like this for a short time, until presently VOLDEMORT manages to get a shot at LILY.
LORD VOLDEMORT
Avada Kedavra!
LILY drops dead in a burst of green light just like JAMES. VOLDEMORT dusts off his hands in satisfaction. BABY HARRY continues to sob as only an angry baby can. WE SEE that VOLDEMORT is extremely annoyed by the crying, putting his hands over his ears and what not. Finally, with a "what the heck, why not?" gesture, he takes aim at BABY HARRY with his wand.
LORD VOLDEMORT
Avada Kedavraaarrrrrghhh
The green light bounces off HARRY and VOLDEMORT drops dead.
CLOSE UP on BABY HARRY doll wrapped in bundle of blankets, being JIGGLED by a barely-visible hand in LOWER FRAME. PULL BACK at moderate speed until BABY HARRY is just a spot in CENTER FRAME.
ANIMATION: Giant FOOT stomps entire bedroom, crying stops.
End credits.
The HP/Silmarillion Crossover Fic
This is a goofy little HP/LOTR crossover fic that I wrote last year. I found an HP EZboard (#5 Privet Drive) and for some reason, got hit with inspiration. I posted it, piecemeal, in their Newbie Introduction thread. People seemed to like it, and I had fun writing it. It's sort of an elf's blog. She's a BOOK LOTR elf, not a MOVIE LOTR elf, so if you haven't read all the Appendices (and the Silmarillion would help too), you might not get all the jokes. And here it is:
**************************
Huh? Where...
How did I...*tries to stand up* OW! My knees are all scraped!
Where am I?
I was just walking through the train station, and I got a rock in my sandal. So I leaned against this brick wall, you know, to steady myself and get the rock out of my shoe...and then it was like I fell right through the wall!
Well. I should have known better than to pull a stunt like this. Elves like me aren't supposed to explore the world of men, we've got that mythical reputation to maintain after all. But nooooooo, I have to be Miss Curious and go see this "iron horse" thing for myself... and now I've fallen into some sort of trap or something!
Or, wait...hang on...yes, there is Definitely magic here. Whoa! This isn't a trap at all, it's just a pocket of magic! Right in the middle of a city of Men! What the hey?! Have rogue elves set up some sort of culvert here, to keep an eye on the progress of the 4th Age? Or...could it be that some of the Race of Men have discovered how to use magic?
Nahhhhhh. Can't be. Men don't have the proper makeup to use magic--the only ones that ever even came close (in a lame Elf-wanna-be sort of way) were the Numenoreans, and they went extinct long ago.
Except King Elessar, though...and of course, his wife was an Elf (albeit one silly enough to marry a smelly old mortal, what a nitwit). My goodness, maybe their descendants have kept some Elven blood in their veins, and have learned how to use magic again!
*looks around the empty platform as the last of the season's brown and brittle leaves skitter in the wind across the concrete platform *
Eh, it's probably just that horndog, Legolas--he probably built this whole setup so he can visit the World of Men and meet cute chicks.
Sigh, I suppose there's only one way to find out!
*steps resolutely onto the railroad tracks, turns smartly with her back to the platform, and begins to walk the track, grumbling about her foolishness at being so curious and wishing she'd worn better shoes.*
mutter, mutter, I swear, if I find Legolas at the other end of this track, his ass is grass and I'm the lawn mower...
_________________________________
*worn out from grumbling and the long walk*
Good grief, how long can this stupid railroad track BE? I've been walking for hours and haven't seen a single stop, station, switching yard...not even a crossing. Just one tiebar after another. And no trains either, I might add. The track sure looks to be in good shape, for something that doesn't appear to go anywhere in particular or have any traffic...once again I'm thinking this has Legolas written all over it.
Turn around or keep going? Boy, it would suck to turn around if the end were just around the next bend...I guess I've come this far, I might as well finish. Maybe a snack would keep this trip going.
*rummages through pockets, finds a very stale piece of lembas, covered in lint*
Feh. You'd think there'd be at least a Tic-Tac. When was the last time I wore this cloak? The Second Age?
*sniffs lembas*
Ok, I'm not THAT hungry. Yet. Maybe a song...Yeah! A nice hobo railroad song.
*sings to the tune of "The Big Rock Candy Mountains"*
One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fire was burning,
Down the tracks came an Elf-lass hiking, and she said, boys I'm not turning
I'm headed for the end of this durn track, and just because I found it
I just hope it comes to an end before the Misty Mountains!
In the big old Misty Mountains, the air is clean and bright
And Elrond has his Homely House where Frodo spent the night,
The wine jars never empty, and the sun shines every day
On elves and men and their hottie hobbit friends, 'neath the Anduin Falls in the Rivendell halls, in the Big Old Misty Mountains.
In the big old Misty Mountains, Dwarves never change their socks,
And they leave a trail of stinky smells just everywhere they walks,
The Moria rocks are full of gold, but the mines are full of orcs,
There's a Gollum, too, in his lake so blue, he paddles all around it in a big canoe, in the Big Old Misty Mountains.
In the big old Misty Mountains, the doors have hidden gates
And unless you know the secret words, you're going to be late
You can get chased by a Balrog, you can roast or or starve or freeze,
Or cross Khazad-dum, and Gandalf's tomb, then run like H*** to Galadriel, in the big old Misty Mountains.
This track better end, after the next bend...not the big old Misty Mountains.
*triumphantly rounds the next bend on that note, only to see more tracks ahead*
That never works. But you know, unless my Elven eyes deceive me, I think I see a building of some sort way up ahead. Looks like it might be some sort of tower...or maybe a castle. Hmmm! Looks like this might turn into an interesting adventure after all!
_________________________________
What the HEY?!
*stops suddenly and stares at tracks ahead*
No. Just No. I didn't come all this way, only to have this stupid track end at a ravine!
*stomps angrily up to get a closer look at the orange warning sign in front of a heap of logs and boulders on the track, which are obviously meant to stop any wayward train that comes this way*
Not funny in the slightest. Someone is seriously cruising for a smackbottom now...
*voice fades out upon getting closer to the train buffer, look of concentration appears*
Mmmmm Hmmmmmm! Magic again!
*leans forward confidentially*
Ok, I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm really old. I mean really, really old. There aren't many elves left that are as old as I am (which is really weird when you consider that whole "immortality" thing). Why, I go all the way back to the First Age, the Dawn of Time if you will...
*starts slowly withering and wrinkling into a very wizened, ancient elf, with a crackly voice*
...back when there wasn't any sun or moon, just the light of the stars and the Two Trees...and we LIKED it that way! None of these whippersnapper Men running about trying to make some sort of impact on the land before their time ran out...but I digress.
*pops smartly back into her normal form*
As I was saying, yeah, I've been around a while, and it's been a long time since I've seen magic like this. This reminds me of the Girdle of Melian, that used to keep the forest kingdom of Thingol safe from intruders, back when that nitwit Luthien and her boy toy Beren were an item. BIG magic, to protect a whole kingdom like an apple pie under a glass dome.
*whistles appreciatively*
Very Cool.
But not slick enough to keep my nosy butt out, of course.
*shimmers a bit, and walks right through the warning sign and pile of boulders--emerging from the other side of the pile, to see that the track doesn't end at the ravine at all, but continues smoothly over a delicate trestle.*
Weeheehoohoohoo, that's always good for a shiver up the old spine. That was defnitely top of the line magic...if this has been created by Men, they've been working hard! I'm looking forward to finding out what's at the end of these tracks now!
*pauses on the trestle*
Did I just feel a vibration? Scratch that, I know the answer. The real question is, was that the trestle humming in the wind, or is it---
*WOOOOOOOOOOOO*
Oh crap.
*Bolts immediately toward the far end of the trestle, as behind her, the headlamp of the Hogwarts Express appears and barrels down the tracks*
_________________________________
*stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp
chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga*
*stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp
chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga*
*stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp
chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga*
*stomp stomp stomp
CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA*
*stompstomp LEAP CHUGGACHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA chugga chugga*
*pant, pant, pant, pant, pant
chugga chugga chugga SKREEEEEEEEEEE*
Oh, (pant, pant) sure, (pant) NOW they put on the brakes.
*wriggles up the last few feet of the steep edge of the ravine, to see the last train car rounding a bend and clearly slowing down*
Well, that was exciting. Hate sprinting. Really. But at least now I know this railway goes somewhere--and in fact it looks like it's coming to an end very soon. Cool! I wasn't looking forward to prowling around much further now that the sun's almost down.
*dusts off and resumes the march on the tracks at a slightly faster pace*
Well, sounds like quite a crowd up there. Mostly kids' voices, if I'm not mistaken! Good gracious, if this is some kind of "bewitch the kiddies and haul them by the trainload to serve as slaves for an evil mage" routine, I'm gonna open up a can of whoopass. Although they don't sound like they've been kidnapped, they seem pretty happy to be here. Maybe it's time I got off the track and into the wood...
*disappears like a Mirkwood elf into the outskirts of the forest, continues to approach the train, which has stopped at a station at the edge of a quaint little village*
OMG, look at that. Carriages being pulled by thestrals! How cute! I haven't seen thestrals in AGES. *ponders* Hmmm. In fact, I haven't seen them outside of the Dead Marshes before. Wow. I wonder how they got here? That's a little creepy.
OK, so the kids are getting into carriages, except for those ones down there...WHAT is THAT? A troll? It's HUGE. A bit hairy for a troll, though. Doesn't seem to be eating anyone, either. Hmph. Looks like some kind of...large Man, I guess. Maybe someone bred Men and Trolls *ponders again* EWWWWWW. Not going there again. Well, whatever it is, it looks like it's taking just the young ones down to that lake. Oh, I see. Boats. The big kids get to ride in the coaches and the little ones take the boats. To that castle.
That Really Cool Castle...
Ok, I am SO there.
*scurries over to the last carriage and deftly hops on the back, winking at the thestral that glowers at her.*
*whispers* oh, shush, you silly thing, you won't even notice the extra weight. Pull already!
*practically falls off as the thestral turns with a snort and yanks the carriage up to speed*
_________________________________
Wow. Just Wow. I know this place. Well, not this exact castle, but the stones...I've seen them before. These are the stones of the ancient Elf city of Gondolin. OMG. These magic users must have found the old grounds and excavated these stones. Incredible! I can even see some of the old markings.
*pauses to wipe a tear at the flood of ancient memories*
That Turgon, he really knew how to party. Wow. These rocks must be saturated with magic, it's gotta be oozing out of them like Radon. No wonder these folks have so much magic at their command. And how perfect that they've built it all on the foundation of the Hidden City; the land itself wants to stay out of the eyes of Men.
Hmm. The gate to the castle grounds is guarded. Strange, they must know that Men aren't going to be able to get through the boundary that protects this region...I wonder why they need an additional spell at the front gate? This gets more interesting all the time.
* slips through the guarded entryway as easily as a wet sneeze through a Kleenex*
Brrrr...that was chilly! I've got to check that out a little more later, not sure what sort of Forbidding that was.
*Hears some rustling away on the grounds, decides to check it out quickly*
Well, look at you! I didn't think trees like you were around anymore!
*steps closer as if to examine the leaves, leaps gracefully out of the way as a branch takes a swing at her*
Bwahahaha! You are definitely a child of Old Man Willow! I'd know that particular brand of sass anywhere. Not to mention the mutated leaves and crooked branches...
*leaps again and laughs as some very agitated branches attempt to tenderize her noggin*
See, that right there? That's the trouble with you Willows, you lose your temper so fast, provoking you is actually kind of fun. You might try ignoring it sometime, instead of being such a hothead.
*laughs some more as the frustrated tree begins to break bits of itself off and throw them at her*
Yah, yah, like shooting fish in a barrel to get you all worked up. I'm going to go check out something more interesting.
_________________________________
*Scampers to the castle door and looks around. A few stragglers are making their way into a lighted doorway, from which the sounds of a crowd emerge*
Ho! Suppertime! I think I've done enough slinking around in the shadows; it's time for some invisibility action.
*rummages through satchel to find a small gold ring*
Don't even think it, pal. It's not That Ring. I got this as a party favor at Elrond's birthday bash centuries ago. All the invisibility, none of the soulsucking evil.
*attempts to slip it on, frowns, puts it on pinkie instead*
Heh, may need to hold off on dessert tonight. Well, let's see what we can see!
*slips into the Great Hall with the last of the slowpokes*
Floating candles. Cute. Nothing like a little hot wax dripping into your food. Nice sky, though. Hmmm. I wonder, maybe this is some sort of school. Those fuddy-duddies in the front certainly look like a bunch of stuffy old professors, and judging by the horsing around, these kids are obviously students. Hmmm.
*Notices a line of young students following an older lady, who is carrying something on a stool.*
*gasps audibly*
Elbereth! That's Gandalf's hat!
*shrinks back suddenly to wall. An old man at the head table startles briefly, then looks straight at her. Checks invisibility ring--still on. Old man's eyes narrow for a fraction of a second, then crinkle up in the briefest of smiles, before the man turns away again and regards the goings on with the line of students*
Note to self: do not utter sacred magical words in this place.
Whoops. Well, he's certainly a slick old dude, he's not letting on to anyone else that I'm here. I suppose I'll have to introduce myself after dinner. Heh, he looks like the type to have a good stash of wine up in his office. Well. I really ought to get going and do a bit more exploring during the boring part...
*pauses and stares with fascination as a young boat rider goes up and dons the hat, only to have it suddenly shout out a word she's never heard before*
Whoa! It never did that when Gandalf wore it! Although he never let anyone else try it on, either. My gosh, that thing must have kicked around in Moria for centuries! We all assumed Gandalf's things were destroyed during that Balrog incident. You know, maybe I ought to plan a vacation at Dwimmermere one of these days, do a little spelunking. I bet I could get a fortune for his staff on eBay.
*Watches the Talking Hat a bit more, with amusement, then turns her attention to the door*
OK, back to exploring. I guess I ought to take up a post by the door and wait for a chance to slip out.
*moseys cautiously over to the door, avoiding the now-quiet students*
Whew, ok, that was a little tricky, but now all I have to do is wait for a draft...and just in time too, Mr. I-See-You is getting up to make a speech. Definitely time to make a hasty exit...hey, hang on, he's done already? What kind of headmaster gets up and makes a SHORT speech at the beginning of the term? Wow, these guys have some SERIOUSLY strong magic! *giggles at own joke*
*jumps in surprise as food suddenly appears on the tables*
Well well! Dinner is served!
*casually snags a chicken leg from a platter while no one is looking*
chomp, chomp, Mphf, thz z gd! Mmmm! (gulp) Just like Mom used to make. That was a long walk with no snack. *returns to entry door* OK, so as I was saying, all I need is a gust of wind to give me an excuse to yank the door open just a tad--
*leaps out of the way as the door suddenly pops open and a red-haired young man slinks into the Great Hall wearing a very sheepish expression*
Oh, my! Well, your lateness is my opportunity, kiddo--*GASP*
*Leaps back in terror as another young man follows the redhead...this one with dark hair, spectacles, and the unmistakable mark of Morgoth burned into his forehead*
**************************
OK, that was it; the muse ran out at that point, except I still have a tiny nagging desire to have this Tolkienian elf encounter a House Elf. But that's taken a huge back seat to my other fics. Enjoy!
Monty Python's Two-Minute Harry Potter Septilogy
WARNING: The following fanfic is extremely silly.
FADE IN.
HOGWARTS QUIDDITCH PITCH
CEDRIC DIGGORY (Michael Palin--->) makes his way through the Triwizard Tournament Maze. Starting at upper right of frame, he begins the long, arduous trek through the waist-high rows of, ahem, shrubbery. This is punctuated frequently by threatening growls and roars, followed immediately by his screams as various unseen knee-biter enemies attack him within the maze.
Finally, bedraggled and footsore, he reaches the center of the maze at FOREFRONT of frame, catching his breath as HE FACES US with obvious glee, while casually reaching for the Triwizard Cup.
DIGGORY
It's
CEDRIC's hand brushes the cup and he disappears.
[Theme Music (an MP2 file)]
GODRIC'S HOLLOW, BEDROOM
JAMES POTTER (<----Graham Chapman) and
LILY POTTER (Eric Idle---->)
are in bed, bidding each other good night. JAMES turns out the bedside lamp.
SECONDS LATER, sound effect: doorbell. "Ding Dong."
JAMES POTTER
Oh, now it's 2 AM on Halloween night,
I'd better get the door then.
LILY POTTER
Right-i-o, dear.
JAMES fumbles his way out of the dark room, muttering.
GODRIC'S HOLLOW, LIVING ROOM
The DOORBELL SOUND repeats as JAMES makes his way downstairs and finds a light switch.
JAMES POTTER
I'm coming, I'm coming...
(opens door wide, no one there)
What now, is this some sort of prank?
SOUND EFFECT: Respirator (2 breaths)
JAMES POTTER
Why, Darth Vader! What a surprise!
Come in, please, welcome!
JAMES ushers in DARTH VADER warmly, if not entirely sincerely, shakes his hand, closes door behind him. VADER waves at JAMES to call his attention to VADER'S hand, then squeezes said hand in a tight fist. JAMES claws painfully at his throat a few seconds, until VADER playfully releases his fist and makes a "gotcha" gesture. JAMES laughs and nods, pointing back at VADER.
JAMES POTTER
Oh, you got me again, you old rascal,
you. Do have a seat, won't you, I'll
get us something from the kitchen...
SOUND EFFECT: Doorbell, interrupts JAMES. Puzzled, he heads back to the door.
JAMES POTTER
Well, what do you think of that,
another visitor...
(opens door)
Sauron! Sauron, old friend! Let me take
your mace! Darth, have you met the
Lord of Mordor? Please, come in!
As JAMES (straining under the weight of SAURON'S immense mace) ushers SAURON to VADER, the two shake hands and nod as if making pleasant small talk. WE CAN ONLY HEAR mutterings, as both are in their masks.
JAMES POTTER
Now, perhaps a little tea? Earl
Grey? Will that do?
SOUND EFFECT: Doorbell, interrupts JAMES again. Now looking a bit flustered, he returns to the door. WE SEE him in profile as he opens the door. His face lights up, but before he can even speak, a hideous, slimy, toothy projection rams through his rib cage, coming out of his back. It quickly retracts as JAMES winces, but he keeps smiling politely the entire time.
JAMES POTTER
Oh, look who's here! It's the Alien
Queen! Come in, my dear, I was just
going to serve some refreshments...
JAMES escorts the insectoid, tentacled ALIEN QUEEN on his arm to meet the other guests. He smiles politely as he tries not to draw attention to the viscous goo that he must now wipe from his hands after touching the ALIEN. Again, JAMES makes a bit of SMALL TALK with the guests, of the "do have a seat, I'll be off to the kitchen" variety.
SOUND EFFECT: Doorbell. Guests are obviously getting along famously, but JAMES is beginning to get weary of the unexpected guests. But, he gamely opens the door.
JAMES POTTER
Lord Voldemort! Do come in--
LORD VOLDEMORT (Terry Gilliam--->)
Avada Kedavra!
James drops dead in a flash of green light. VADER, SAURON and the ALIEN QUEEN fall silent a moment, then lean close conspiratorially and begin muttering their disapproval of the rude arrival.
LORD VOLDEMORT ignores this and tromps up the STAIRS toward the bedroom.
BEDROOM
LILY has the light on; all the noise has woken BABY HARRY (portrayed by a toy baby doll). WE HEAR the baby's cries as LILY tries, in a genuine but ineffective manner, to comfort little HARRY.
VOLDEMORT throws open the bedroom door. LILY drops HARRY unceremoniously on the bed and leaps at him, fists flailing.
LILY POTTER
No, no, no! Oh, you awful man! Don't
hurt Harry! Kill me instead!
LORD VOLDEMORT
(trying to point his wand at her)
I'm trying to kill you, you silly
cow! Hold still!
They struggle like this for a short time, until presently VOLDEMORT manages to get a shot at LILY.
LORD VOLDEMORT
Avada Kedavra!
LILY drops dead in a burst of green light just like JAMES. VOLDEMORT dusts off his hands in satisfaction. BABY HARRY continues to sob as only an angry baby can. WE SEE that VOLDEMORT is extremely annoyed by the crying, putting his hands over his ears and what not. Finally, with a "what the heck, why not?" gesture, he takes aim at BABY HARRY with his wand.
LORD VOLDEMORT
Avada Kedavraaarrrrrghhh
The green light bounces off HARRY and VOLDEMORT drops dead.
CLOSE UP on BABY HARRY doll wrapped in bundle of blankets, being JIGGLED by a barely-visible hand in LOWER FRAME. PULL BACK at moderate speed until BABY HARRY is just a spot in CENTER FRAME.
ANIMATION: Giant FOOT stomps entire bedroom, crying stops.
End credits.
The HP/Silmarillion Crossover Fic
This is a goofy little HP/LOTR crossover fic that I wrote last year. I found an HP EZboard (#5 Privet Drive) and for some reason, got hit with inspiration. I posted it, piecemeal, in their Newbie Introduction thread. People seemed to like it, and I had fun writing it. It's sort of an elf's blog. She's a BOOK LOTR elf, not a MOVIE LOTR elf, so if you haven't read all the Appendices (and the Silmarillion would help too), you might not get all the jokes. And here it is:
**************************
Huh? Where...
How did I...*tries to stand up* OW! My knees are all scraped!
Where am I?
I was just walking through the train station, and I got a rock in my sandal. So I leaned against this brick wall, you know, to steady myself and get the rock out of my shoe...and then it was like I fell right through the wall!
Well. I should have known better than to pull a stunt like this. Elves like me aren't supposed to explore the world of men, we've got that mythical reputation to maintain after all. But nooooooo, I have to be Miss Curious and go see this "iron horse" thing for myself... and now I've fallen into some sort of trap or something!
Or, wait...hang on...yes, there is Definitely magic here. Whoa! This isn't a trap at all, it's just a pocket of magic! Right in the middle of a city of Men! What the hey?! Have rogue elves set up some sort of culvert here, to keep an eye on the progress of the 4th Age? Or...could it be that some of the Race of Men have discovered how to use magic?
Nahhhhhh. Can't be. Men don't have the proper makeup to use magic--the only ones that ever even came close (in a lame Elf-wanna-be sort of way) were the Numenoreans, and they went extinct long ago.
Except King Elessar, though...and of course, his wife was an Elf (albeit one silly enough to marry a smelly old mortal, what a nitwit). My goodness, maybe their descendants have kept some Elven blood in their veins, and have learned how to use magic again!
*looks around the empty platform as the last of the season's brown and brittle leaves skitter in the wind across the concrete platform *
Eh, it's probably just that horndog, Legolas--he probably built this whole setup so he can visit the World of Men and meet cute chicks.
Sigh, I suppose there's only one way to find out!
*steps resolutely onto the railroad tracks, turns smartly with her back to the platform, and begins to walk the track, grumbling about her foolishness at being so curious and wishing she'd worn better shoes.*
mutter, mutter, I swear, if I find Legolas at the other end of this track, his ass is grass and I'm the lawn mower...
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*worn out from grumbling and the long walk*
Good grief, how long can this stupid railroad track BE? I've been walking for hours and haven't seen a single stop, station, switching yard...not even a crossing. Just one tiebar after another. And no trains either, I might add. The track sure looks to be in good shape, for something that doesn't appear to go anywhere in particular or have any traffic...once again I'm thinking this has Legolas written all over it.
Turn around or keep going? Boy, it would suck to turn around if the end were just around the next bend...I guess I've come this far, I might as well finish. Maybe a snack would keep this trip going.
*rummages through pockets, finds a very stale piece of lembas, covered in lint*
Feh. You'd think there'd be at least a Tic-Tac. When was the last time I wore this cloak? The Second Age?
*sniffs lembas*
Ok, I'm not THAT hungry. Yet. Maybe a song...Yeah! A nice hobo railroad song.
*sings to the tune of "The Big Rock Candy Mountains"*
One evening as the sun went down and the jungle fire was burning,
Down the tracks came an Elf-lass hiking, and she said, boys I'm not turning
I'm headed for the end of this durn track, and just because I found it
I just hope it comes to an end before the Misty Mountains!
In the big old Misty Mountains, the air is clean and bright
And Elrond has his Homely House where Frodo spent the night,
The wine jars never empty, and the sun shines every day
On elves and men and their hottie hobbit friends, 'neath the Anduin Falls in the Rivendell halls, in the Big Old Misty Mountains.
In the big old Misty Mountains, Dwarves never change their socks,
And they leave a trail of stinky smells just everywhere they walks,
The Moria rocks are full of gold, but the mines are full of orcs,
There's a Gollum, too, in his lake so blue, he paddles all around it in a big canoe, in the Big Old Misty Mountains.
In the big old Misty Mountains, the doors have hidden gates
And unless you know the secret words, you're going to be late
You can get chased by a Balrog, you can roast or or starve or freeze,
Or cross Khazad-dum, and Gandalf's tomb, then run like H*** to Galadriel, in the big old Misty Mountains.
This track better end, after the next bend...not the big old Misty Mountains.
*triumphantly rounds the next bend on that note, only to see more tracks ahead*
That never works. But you know, unless my Elven eyes deceive me, I think I see a building of some sort way up ahead. Looks like it might be some sort of tower...or maybe a castle. Hmmm! Looks like this might turn into an interesting adventure after all!
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What the HEY?!
*stops suddenly and stares at tracks ahead*
No. Just No. I didn't come all this way, only to have this stupid track end at a ravine!
*stomps angrily up to get a closer look at the orange warning sign in front of a heap of logs and boulders on the track, which are obviously meant to stop any wayward train that comes this way*
Not funny in the slightest. Someone is seriously cruising for a smackbottom now...
*voice fades out upon getting closer to the train buffer, look of concentration appears*
Mmmmm Hmmmmmm! Magic again!
*leans forward confidentially*
Ok, I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm really old. I mean really, really old. There aren't many elves left that are as old as I am (which is really weird when you consider that whole "immortality" thing). Why, I go all the way back to the First Age, the Dawn of Time if you will...
*starts slowly withering and wrinkling into a very wizened, ancient elf, with a crackly voice*
...back when there wasn't any sun or moon, just the light of the stars and the Two Trees...and we LIKED it that way! None of these whippersnapper Men running about trying to make some sort of impact on the land before their time ran out...but I digress.
*pops smartly back into her normal form*
As I was saying, yeah, I've been around a while, and it's been a long time since I've seen magic like this. This reminds me of the Girdle of Melian, that used to keep the forest kingdom of Thingol safe from intruders, back when that nitwit Luthien and her boy toy Beren were an item. BIG magic, to protect a whole kingdom like an apple pie under a glass dome.
*whistles appreciatively*
Very Cool.
But not slick enough to keep my nosy butt out, of course.
*shimmers a bit, and walks right through the warning sign and pile of boulders--emerging from the other side of the pile, to see that the track doesn't end at the ravine at all, but continues smoothly over a delicate trestle.*
Weeheehoohoohoo, that's always good for a shiver up the old spine. That was defnitely top of the line magic...if this has been created by Men, they've been working hard! I'm looking forward to finding out what's at the end of these tracks now!
*pauses on the trestle*
Did I just feel a vibration? Scratch that, I know the answer. The real question is, was that the trestle humming in the wind, or is it---
*WOOOOOOOOOOOO*
Oh crap.
*Bolts immediately toward the far end of the trestle, as behind her, the headlamp of the Hogwarts Express appears and barrels down the tracks*
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*stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp
chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga*
*stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp
chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga*
*stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp
chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga*
*stomp stomp stomp
CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA*
*stompstomp LEAP CHUGGACHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA chugga chugga*
*pant, pant, pant, pant, pant
chugga chugga chugga SKREEEEEEEEEEE*
Oh, (pant, pant) sure, (pant) NOW they put on the brakes.
*wriggles up the last few feet of the steep edge of the ravine, to see the last train car rounding a bend and clearly slowing down*
Well, that was exciting. Hate sprinting. Really. But at least now I know this railway goes somewhere--and in fact it looks like it's coming to an end very soon. Cool! I wasn't looking forward to prowling around much further now that the sun's almost down.
*dusts off and resumes the march on the tracks at a slightly faster pace*
Well, sounds like quite a crowd up there. Mostly kids' voices, if I'm not mistaken! Good gracious, if this is some kind of "bewitch the kiddies and haul them by the trainload to serve as slaves for an evil mage" routine, I'm gonna open up a can of whoopass. Although they don't sound like they've been kidnapped, they seem pretty happy to be here. Maybe it's time I got off the track and into the wood...
*disappears like a Mirkwood elf into the outskirts of the forest, continues to approach the train, which has stopped at a station at the edge of a quaint little village*
OMG, look at that. Carriages being pulled by thestrals! How cute! I haven't seen thestrals in AGES. *ponders* Hmmm. In fact, I haven't seen them outside of the Dead Marshes before. Wow. I wonder how they got here? That's a little creepy.
OK, so the kids are getting into carriages, except for those ones down there...WHAT is THAT? A troll? It's HUGE. A bit hairy for a troll, though. Doesn't seem to be eating anyone, either. Hmph. Looks like some kind of...large Man, I guess. Maybe someone bred Men and Trolls *ponders again* EWWWWWW. Not going there again. Well, whatever it is, it looks like it's taking just the young ones down to that lake. Oh, I see. Boats. The big kids get to ride in the coaches and the little ones take the boats. To that castle.
That Really Cool Castle...
Ok, I am SO there.
*scurries over to the last carriage and deftly hops on the back, winking at the thestral that glowers at her.*
*whispers* oh, shush, you silly thing, you won't even notice the extra weight. Pull already!
*practically falls off as the thestral turns with a snort and yanks the carriage up to speed*
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Wow. Just Wow. I know this place. Well, not this exact castle, but the stones...I've seen them before. These are the stones of the ancient Elf city of Gondolin. OMG. These magic users must have found the old grounds and excavated these stones. Incredible! I can even see some of the old markings.
*pauses to wipe a tear at the flood of ancient memories*
That Turgon, he really knew how to party. Wow. These rocks must be saturated with magic, it's gotta be oozing out of them like Radon. No wonder these folks have so much magic at their command. And how perfect that they've built it all on the foundation of the Hidden City; the land itself wants to stay out of the eyes of Men.
Hmm. The gate to the castle grounds is guarded. Strange, they must know that Men aren't going to be able to get through the boundary that protects this region...I wonder why they need an additional spell at the front gate? This gets more interesting all the time.
* slips through the guarded entryway as easily as a wet sneeze through a Kleenex*
Brrrr...that was chilly! I've got to check that out a little more later, not sure what sort of Forbidding that was.
*Hears some rustling away on the grounds, decides to check it out quickly*
Well, look at you! I didn't think trees like you were around anymore!
*steps closer as if to examine the leaves, leaps gracefully out of the way as a branch takes a swing at her*
Bwahahaha! You are definitely a child of Old Man Willow! I'd know that particular brand of sass anywhere. Not to mention the mutated leaves and crooked branches...
*leaps again and laughs as some very agitated branches attempt to tenderize her noggin*
See, that right there? That's the trouble with you Willows, you lose your temper so fast, provoking you is actually kind of fun. You might try ignoring it sometime, instead of being such a hothead.
*laughs some more as the frustrated tree begins to break bits of itself off and throw them at her*
Yah, yah, like shooting fish in a barrel to get you all worked up. I'm going to go check out something more interesting.
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*Scampers to the castle door and looks around. A few stragglers are making their way into a lighted doorway, from which the sounds of a crowd emerge*
Ho! Suppertime! I think I've done enough slinking around in the shadows; it's time for some invisibility action.
*rummages through satchel to find a small gold ring*
Don't even think it, pal. It's not That Ring. I got this as a party favor at Elrond's birthday bash centuries ago. All the invisibility, none of the soulsucking evil.
*attempts to slip it on, frowns, puts it on pinkie instead*
Heh, may need to hold off on dessert tonight. Well, let's see what we can see!
*slips into the Great Hall with the last of the slowpokes*
Floating candles. Cute. Nothing like a little hot wax dripping into your food. Nice sky, though. Hmmm. I wonder, maybe this is some sort of school. Those fuddy-duddies in the front certainly look like a bunch of stuffy old professors, and judging by the horsing around, these kids are obviously students. Hmmm.
*Notices a line of young students following an older lady, who is carrying something on a stool.*
*gasps audibly*
Elbereth! That's Gandalf's hat!
*shrinks back suddenly to wall. An old man at the head table startles briefly, then looks straight at her. Checks invisibility ring--still on. Old man's eyes narrow for a fraction of a second, then crinkle up in the briefest of smiles, before the man turns away again and regards the goings on with the line of students*
Note to self: do not utter sacred magical words in this place.
Whoops. Well, he's certainly a slick old dude, he's not letting on to anyone else that I'm here. I suppose I'll have to introduce myself after dinner. Heh, he looks like the type to have a good stash of wine up in his office. Well. I really ought to get going and do a bit more exploring during the boring part...
*pauses and stares with fascination as a young boat rider goes up and dons the hat, only to have it suddenly shout out a word she's never heard before*
Whoa! It never did that when Gandalf wore it! Although he never let anyone else try it on, either. My gosh, that thing must have kicked around in Moria for centuries! We all assumed Gandalf's things were destroyed during that Balrog incident. You know, maybe I ought to plan a vacation at Dwimmermere one of these days, do a little spelunking. I bet I could get a fortune for his staff on eBay.
*Watches the Talking Hat a bit more, with amusement, then turns her attention to the door*
OK, back to exploring. I guess I ought to take up a post by the door and wait for a chance to slip out.
*moseys cautiously over to the door, avoiding the now-quiet students*
Whew, ok, that was a little tricky, but now all I have to do is wait for a draft...and just in time too, Mr. I-See-You is getting up to make a speech. Definitely time to make a hasty exit...hey, hang on, he's done already? What kind of headmaster gets up and makes a SHORT speech at the beginning of the term? Wow, these guys have some SERIOUSLY strong magic! *giggles at own joke*
*jumps in surprise as food suddenly appears on the tables*
Well well! Dinner is served!
*casually snags a chicken leg from a platter while no one is looking*
chomp, chomp, Mphf, thz z gd! Mmmm! (gulp) Just like Mom used to make. That was a long walk with no snack. *returns to entry door* OK, so as I was saying, all I need is a gust of wind to give me an excuse to yank the door open just a tad--
*leaps out of the way as the door suddenly pops open and a red-haired young man slinks into the Great Hall wearing a very sheepish expression*
Oh, my! Well, your lateness is my opportunity, kiddo--*GASP*
*Leaps back in terror as another young man follows the redhead...this one with dark hair, spectacles, and the unmistakable mark of Morgoth burned into his forehead*
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OK, that was it; the muse ran out at that point, except I still have a tiny nagging desire to have this Tolkienian elf encounter a House Elf. But that's taken a huge back seat to my other fics. Enjoy!