Boys boys boys
This is about my soon to be ex boyfriend, its long so its behind an LJ cut
So I have needed to write this done because it’s been plaguing me for far too long. In June 2009 I met and became friends with a guy named Jeff via WoW. I never intended for us to be anymore then friends. I wasn’t looking for anything or anyone. I needed to be focused on school and nothing else. Well as they say things never quite work out the way you think they will. We didn’t really start talking and hanging out a lot until about the end of July beginning of August since he had his own guild. When that fell apart he moved to the guild I was in and we began to hang out and playing together a lot more. We where both crushing on each other but neither of us wanted to admit it so I gave him my cell and we started texting back and forth a ton when we weren’t in game playing. Take in mind I was still at home and all I had was satellite internet which is crap for WoW so I had been using the free internet in the nasty gross loud student lounge. I would stay there everyday til the lounge closed at 10pm. I even drove up there on my days off and on the weekend. I would drive about 65 miles roundtrip to Durham to Gamefrog at the mall and pay $20 a day to use their high speed internet just so I could have time to play with him. Take in mind I also had to pay for gas and food. As time progressed we started to get more serious so on Oct 8th I asked him to go out with me take in mind I have never asked anyone out but for him I would do anything. Now I don’t have good luck when it comes to guys they usually tend to be losers and I find this out down the road. Jeff got hit by a semi as a kid and lost all memory from being a kid up until the age of 13 and I am sure this had a profound effect on him emotionally. He always came off as a friendly happy guy. As we got to know each other more I learned, in fact I found out I was his first girlfriend and that he was a virgin. I never had a problem with this in fact I found it to be a refreshing change. He also told me that he wasn’t an emotional person that he didn’t know how to be that he never really had an example in his life to be that way. I foolishly thought that even though he wasn’t an emotional person that he would change that I could show him how great and powerful emotions could be guess I was wrong. So we where officially going out and even though I knew there was a good chance that an online relationship more than likely wouldn’t work but I went with it because overtime feel in love with him. He was geeky and funny and I enjoyed being around him. Hell he was even the one to say I love you first which was a shock. We did manage to make our relationship interesting in various ways since we weren’t able to be physically be around each other which was very very hard because I can be a physical person sometimes. We are opposites, I was the modern sometimes outspoken girl and he was the quite reserved guy. We made plans to meet up but they seemed to always get moved due to his work and my class schedule. So we finally decided on Aug of this year we would go meet up and spend a week in the mountains on vacation getting to know each other better. Well I lost unemployment but got it back and he started a new job so that was a no go but I didn’t know that it was off for awhile since he had told me before he took the new job that he was still getting that week off opps guess not. We talked about sex, marriage, kids about all of it hell after I graduate in December I was suppose to move there and move in with him. Moving there was my only option since he said he had a good job there along with family so he wasn’t going move. Back then I was ok with that because my life here wasn’t and still isn’t that great so I though ok moving in with the man I love and starting a new life would be great. We learned more and more about each other and our feelings seemed to go deep well I thought so anyway. For V-Day I rented a hotel room for the weekend (which btw isn’t cheap at all) so we could have some private time. Private time my ass we played wow and watched some movies while talking over vent. Now I had explained to him that I wasn’t a flower person and never really had been and for the first time ever I was really excited for V-Day because I wanted to see what he had up his sleeve. Instead of putting actual though into a gift he sent me flowers and I was sad and pissed but it’s the thought that counts. When he asked me what I thought I was like meh but thank you for the thought, he got all pissed off got off vent and didn’t speak to me for 3 days and when I tried to talk to him I got nothing. It should have been a sign but when I fall I fall hard and I ignore all the red lights and warning signs. He only talked to me after I was reduced to sending him an email saying sorry that I hurt his feeling s and that it was good while it lasted, basically it was a breakup letter what else was I suppose to think. Now looking back I think things started to go south then. I spent so much time and so much money to be with him and now I look back and think why. I am not going to bore people with every detail but around the end of March when I moved out of my now and then current residence I was happy because I thought we would have time together and that we could not be rushed to try and mike time here and there. I actually moved out against better advice from my family and put myself in a serious financial strain to have time with him. And poof as soon as I move out he got very very distant and I mean distance. We had stopped playing WoW all together, never spoke on the phone or vent and even barely even talked via text even though I was trying very very hard to make things work. Something I said on FB must have made him think twice because we finally got on vent and spoke. He basically was like I love you so much but I am hurting you and I was trying to be someone else for you because I wanted to. Again instead of going ahead and breaking up I cried and pleaded that we could make this work that I loved him so much that I didn’t matter. So like a played out fool I stayed with him and for a bit we texted but things never went back to how they were before he just said he wanted to do all these loving and romantic things for me but he was emotional dead and couldn’t feel anything and then he just over thought it too much and again I explained that sometimes as hard as it is you have to just do it to just feel. We don’t talk now and I have all but given up and the sad part is that he doesn’t even get anything is wrong! Hello if we don’t speak and we barely text doesn’t that say something to you? I know I need to end this but how? Now that I look back on things I feel angry, resentful and bitter. I feel like he wore this “I am emotional dead” thing like a cloak, like an excuse. We all change and make compromises for those we love but it didn’t seem like he was really willing to do that. I look back and think the only real thing we had in common was WoW and he even made me resent that a bit too because I would log on everyday and wait for him and then when he did get on he went off on his own. I do want to say my last bit of WoW wasn’t bad I found a fun, wild and crazy guild to play with and raid with a bit but I wish I had gone to Elune with Zep, Sel and Dusk. I will always regret that I didn’t. So know I need to end things with Jeff but I am scared and I don’t know why?! I just need to ask for his new mailing addy since he moved and send back his class ring and be done with it. Sorry to bore you all with this but I need to get it out badly. So was I bad? Am I wrong? Comments, questions and advice more then welcome!
So I have needed to write this done because it’s been plaguing me for far too long. In June 2009 I met and became friends with a guy named Jeff via WoW. I never intended for us to be anymore then friends. I wasn’t looking for anything or anyone. I needed to be focused on school and nothing else. Well as they say things never quite work out the way you think they will. We didn’t really start talking and hanging out a lot until about the end of July beginning of August since he had his own guild. When that fell apart he moved to the guild I was in and we began to hang out and playing together a lot more. We where both crushing on each other but neither of us wanted to admit it so I gave him my cell and we started texting back and forth a ton when we weren’t in game playing. Take in mind I was still at home and all I had was satellite internet which is crap for WoW so I had been using the free internet in the nasty gross loud student lounge. I would stay there everyday til the lounge closed at 10pm. I even drove up there on my days off and on the weekend. I would drive about 65 miles roundtrip to Durham to Gamefrog at the mall and pay $20 a day to use their high speed internet just so I could have time to play with him. Take in mind I also had to pay for gas and food. As time progressed we started to get more serious so on Oct 8th I asked him to go out with me take in mind I have never asked anyone out but for him I would do anything. Now I don’t have good luck when it comes to guys they usually tend to be losers and I find this out down the road. Jeff got hit by a semi as a kid and lost all memory from being a kid up until the age of 13 and I am sure this had a profound effect on him emotionally. He always came off as a friendly happy guy. As we got to know each other more I learned, in fact I found out I was his first girlfriend and that he was a virgin. I never had a problem with this in fact I found it to be a refreshing change. He also told me that he wasn’t an emotional person that he didn’t know how to be that he never really had an example in his life to be that way. I foolishly thought that even though he wasn’t an emotional person that he would change that I could show him how great and powerful emotions could be guess I was wrong. So we where officially going out and even though I knew there was a good chance that an online relationship more than likely wouldn’t work but I went with it because overtime feel in love with him. He was geeky and funny and I enjoyed being around him. Hell he was even the one to say I love you first which was a shock. We did manage to make our relationship interesting in various ways since we weren’t able to be physically be around each other which was very very hard because I can be a physical person sometimes. We are opposites, I was the modern sometimes outspoken girl and he was the quite reserved guy. We made plans to meet up but they seemed to always get moved due to his work and my class schedule. So we finally decided on Aug of this year we would go meet up and spend a week in the mountains on vacation getting to know each other better. Well I lost unemployment but got it back and he started a new job so that was a no go but I didn’t know that it was off for awhile since he had told me before he took the new job that he was still getting that week off opps guess not. We talked about sex, marriage, kids about all of it hell after I graduate in December I was suppose to move there and move in with him. Moving there was my only option since he said he had a good job there along with family so he wasn’t going move. Back then I was ok with that because my life here wasn’t and still isn’t that great so I though ok moving in with the man I love and starting a new life would be great. We learned more and more about each other and our feelings seemed to go deep well I thought so anyway. For V-Day I rented a hotel room for the weekend (which btw isn’t cheap at all) so we could have some private time. Private time my ass we played wow and watched some movies while talking over vent. Now I had explained to him that I wasn’t a flower person and never really had been and for the first time ever I was really excited for V-Day because I wanted to see what he had up his sleeve. Instead of putting actual though into a gift he sent me flowers and I was sad and pissed but it’s the thought that counts. When he asked me what I thought I was like meh but thank you for the thought, he got all pissed off got off vent and didn’t speak to me for 3 days and when I tried to talk to him I got nothing. It should have been a sign but when I fall I fall hard and I ignore all the red lights and warning signs. He only talked to me after I was reduced to sending him an email saying sorry that I hurt his feeling s and that it was good while it lasted, basically it was a breakup letter what else was I suppose to think. Now looking back I think things started to go south then. I spent so much time and so much money to be with him and now I look back and think why. I am not going to bore people with every detail but around the end of March when I moved out of my now and then current residence I was happy because I thought we would have time together and that we could not be rushed to try and mike time here and there. I actually moved out against better advice from my family and put myself in a serious financial strain to have time with him. And poof as soon as I move out he got very very distant and I mean distance. We had stopped playing WoW all together, never spoke on the phone or vent and even barely even talked via text even though I was trying very very hard to make things work. Something I said on FB must have made him think twice because we finally got on vent and spoke. He basically was like I love you so much but I am hurting you and I was trying to be someone else for you because I wanted to. Again instead of going ahead and breaking up I cried and pleaded that we could make this work that I loved him so much that I didn’t matter. So like a played out fool I stayed with him and for a bit we texted but things never went back to how they were before he just said he wanted to do all these loving and romantic things for me but he was emotional dead and couldn’t feel anything and then he just over thought it too much and again I explained that sometimes as hard as it is you have to just do it to just feel. We don’t talk now and I have all but given up and the sad part is that he doesn’t even get anything is wrong! Hello if we don’t speak and we barely text doesn’t that say something to you? I know I need to end this but how? Now that I look back on things I feel angry, resentful and bitter. I feel like he wore this “I am emotional dead” thing like a cloak, like an excuse. We all change and make compromises for those we love but it didn’t seem like he was really willing to do that. I look back and think the only real thing we had in common was WoW and he even made me resent that a bit too because I would log on everyday and wait for him and then when he did get on he went off on his own. I do want to say my last bit of WoW wasn’t bad I found a fun, wild and crazy guild to play with and raid with a bit but I wish I had gone to Elune with Zep, Sel and Dusk. I will always regret that I didn’t. So know I need to end things with Jeff but I am scared and I don’t know why?! I just need to ask for his new mailing addy since he moved and send back his class ring and be done with it. Sorry to bore you all with this but I need to get it out badly. So was I bad? Am I wrong? Comments, questions and advice more then welcome!