May draft #1

[celestialtiger]

I actually had this done a couple of weeks ago... but then was too lazy to post it :P

This part would actually go before last months part. Just the way it worked out. There are three speakers in it, so be aware of that.

Comments

[kayin_chan]

I like this very much. The voices are very distinct that you can tell there are 3, which is good.

The only thing i spotted was I gathered all the paperwork that I need from my desk for the task where 'need' should be 'needed' or 'would need' would also do.

Also Yoshie continued to talk about all the things she was planning on preparing for that day and the next. I think 'that day' could be 'the day' or 'today'. They're talking about preparations for the day they have just woken up in aren't they? That day i think implies that day is some other day, but that could just be a personal thing.

Overall a nice chapter.

[celestialtiger]

Oh good. I was worried about the voices. I'm glad you can tell there are three :D Thanks for the crit!!