Love Comes In At The Eye
Title: Love Comes In At The Eye (S/A)
Author: fearsgottahold
Rating: PG
Pairing: Ryan/Spencer
POV: Ryan's
Summary: Ryan's always been blind and he always will be.
Disclaimer: totally not true
Beta: ericasaur
Author Notes: Hi there! this standalone was supposed to be Ryden, and then it sort of wasn't. I hope you guys enjoy it!
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.” William Shakespeare.
Ryan has always been blind. When he was little he didn’t understand why he couldn’t see anything, when everyone managed to get around just fine. When he was little, he didn’t understand how he was different. He just thought that everyone couldn’t see.
Sometimes, you have to grow up.
Ryan contracted retrolental fibroplasia due to being born prematurely, but the doctors didn’t notice until it was too late. He learned to deal with it, because there wasn’t really anything else he could do. He knows that maybe he will never live the life that he wishes to live, but he tries to do the best he can given the circumstances. Most people don’t really understand what he goes through day in, day out; and it’s the seemingly endless amount of sympathy that gets to him. He’s lived with it forever; he doesn’t know anything different. He can deal with it.
*
Spencer is his first and only friend, who showed up in the sand pit one day whilst Ryan was playing at the park.
“Build a sand castle with me,” the chubby boy had ordered, and Ryan didn’t really know how to decline.
When Spencer worked out that Ryan couldn’t actually see what he was doing, or that he couldn’t work out what a sand castle actually looked like, he just went “humph,” and then proceeded to take Ryan’s hands and shape a sand castle with them instead. Ryan had revelled in the idea that although he couldn’t exactly see what he was doing, he could feel it and Spencer’s startled exclamations that it looked perfect was more than enough for Ryan. They’ve been best friends ever since.
*
Ryan decides that he wants to learn how to play guitar one day when he’s sitting alone in his bedroom listening to music. He decides that even though it will be harder for him to learn to play, since he can't look at the strings, he wants to be able to do something with his life that is challenging but rewarding. He goes ahead and buys one with Spencer two days later.
Learning to play is even harder than Ryan expects, and he had always known that it would be difficult. Every time he hears another jarred chord he winces and clenches his fists, trying to calm himself down before beginning again. Spencer decides to make him feel better by starting something new himself, and after much wheedling and pressuring, his own parents buy him a drum kit for Christmas. While Ryan still struggles willfully on his own, Spencer decides to get a drum tutor, and by the time it gets to June he’s getting pretty good. It’s strange how it works out, because beforehand Spencer had never even thought of playing drums, but now that he does it’s like he has discovered a hidden talent. It works for him, and it works for Ryan, who likes to be there sometimes when Spencer plays, so he can feel the vibrations travelling through his body.
Ryan finally masters how to play his first song ten months after he began playing. Ginger, Spencer’s mom, says that considering he’s blind, doing such a thing at age thirteen is pretty impressive. Ryan tries to take it as a compliment.
After Ryan works out how to play after months of listening to YouTube tutorials over and over, he finds it pretty simple how to play other songs, and suddenly there’s a whole new world stretching out in front of him. He’s no longer limited by what he can't do, rather he has so many opportunities for the things he can. It becomes clear to him that this is something Ryan wants to do all the time, and fuck anyone who says that he isn’t allowed to because of some shitty disability that he’s had since birth.
He’s even started to write like a normal person, instead of using Braille, which would be easier but then Spencer couldn’t read it. Ryan has begun to write lyrics, because there is so much in his head that he can't get out any other way. Spencer says his lyrics are awesome, although Ryan isn’t sure if he’s just saying that to humour him.
One night, he’s round Spencer’s, flopped out on the bed. Ryan is pretty glad that Spencer is a compulsive neat freak; otherwise collapsing on his bed would be seriously uncomfortable if there was a book or something on there when he decides to jump on there.
Ryan secretly thinks that Spencer just keeps his room tidy especially for him.
They are watching a film on the television. Well, Spencer is watching the film and Ryan is making fun of the main male actor’s hideous American accent.
“I mean,” he sputters, sitting up so he can hear it better. “What is that? He sounds like a half-dead cat with a Mexican accent!”
Spencer snorts. “Yeah, he looks like a half-dead Mexican cat too.”
Ryan has no idea what a cat looks like, or indeed a Mexican, but from Spencer’s choking giggles, he believes it must be an amusing sight.
When the film finishes, Ryan slides back so his back is pressed against the cool wall. He pats the duvet next to him and Spencer slides up from his place on the floor until he is sitting where Ryan asked him to. Their hands unconsciously link together.
They always say that when one sense is impaired, it makes the others so much more intense. Ryan thoroughly agrees with this as he nuzzles his head into Spencer’s collarbone and inhales the heady scent. Spencer smells like teenage boy; sweat, fabric softener and something that can only be described as Spencer. Ryan would never admit this to the younger boy but he loves it. It makes him feel safe.
“Spencer?” He asks, turning his face upwards in the general direction of his friend’s. The boy in question hums quizzically to show he is paying attention.
“I want to make a band, Spence. I want to be in a band and I want to be famous. I want to make it. Will you be in a band with me?”
Spencer shifts and Ryan imagines that Spencer is looking at him incredulously. Ryan wishes that he knew what the colour blue looked like, so he could imagine Spencer’s eyes in more detail. He’d bet they are beautiful.
“Of course, Ryan,” he replies. “I wouldn’t think of doing anything else.”
*
It's another two years before they actually do anything about the band. Sure, they play together and they have a fucking good time, but they don’t actually bring up the idea of them both playing and performing and living. But Ryan doesn’t forget the idea. So one afternoon, much like when he first brought up the subject of being in a band, he breaches the idea once again.
“We need a bassist for our band, Spence.”
Spencer stirs, his hand tightening unconsciously on Ryan’s knee. Ryan can picture a confused look on Spencer’s face. “Uhh, sure,” Spencer says slowly. “But how are we supposed to find said bassist?”
One week later, the notices go up around the school.
Two days after that Brent texts Spencer about being in their band.
“Hey. Hey Ryan. You know Brent? Brent, the one who I told you looks a bit like a monkey? He wants to try out and be our bassist.”
Ryan sits up, unplugging his headphones from the audio book he was listening to.
“Seriously?!” he says happily. “That’s awesome!”
Four days after that, Brent’s in the band.
*
Ryan has always prided himself on the fact that although he cannot see, he was made to be a musician. Brent is impressed with Ryan’s lyrics, (dude, you wrote these? You can't even see and you can write! That’s so awesome!) and when Ryan decides on the band name, the others agree and go with it. His disability doesn’t shape who he is. He is his own person. He wants people to remember him for the words he writes and sings and the notes he plays; not for the fact that he can't fucking see.
It takes another two months of writing and practising until Ryan says to Brent and Spencer one session that they need another guitarist. Ryan is tuning his guitar and when they both fall silent he looks up in their general direction.
“What?” he says. “Look, I know that I want to do this, but guys, I seriously can't sing and play at the same time. I mean, half my concentration is gonna be on trying not to fall over leads and shit so you can't expect me to be able to concentrate on three things at once.”
Just to prove his point, as he makes his way to where he is sure Spencer is sitting he trips over Spencer’s snare drum and ends up spraining his wrist.
*
To be honest, Trevor fucking sucks as a guitarist. His knowledge on anything other than the most basic of chords sucks, and when he tries to bar them a hideous buzzing noise ensues. They get through about fifteen practices filled with winces and controlled facial expressions before Brent breaks the news to Trevor that he isn’t what they’re looking for. He isn’t pleased, to say the least, but Ryan knew that Trevor was just gonna drag the band down if he stayed.
Now they have the same problem all over again. Ryan can't sing and play, and his pride takes a little hit every time he admits it. But he can't. Ryan doesn’t really know what to do at all about their situation until Brent says, “Hey, actually, I might know a guy who can help us.”
Brendon isn’t like anything Ryan thought he would be. Beforehand, Brent had warned him that the boy was really kind of hyper but Ryan didn’t totally realise how much. The boy seems to be actually giving off waves of hyperactive energy, and Ryan finds that he doesn’t even mind it that much. It's comforting in the way that Spencer’s smell is to him, or the feel of the guitar strings on the roughened pads of his fingers. To Ryan, this Brendon kid is a god-send.
“Hi! I'm Brendon!” the boy says, and then there is an obvious awkward pause where Brendon must have stuck his hand out in front of Ryan, but of course, he’s unable to see it.
“Hi, I'm Ryan, and I'm blind.” He hates how that sentence is everything he is.
Slightly to the right of him he can hear Spencer hiss at Brent, “You didn’t tell him?!”
Brendon doesn’t appear to care. “Oh really? I had a dog once that was blind in one eye. It was kinda funny because you could sneak up on that side and scare the crap out of him. It amused me. Not that I would do that to you, dude!”
Ryan decides he likes Brendon immediately.
*
Then he finds out Brendon can sing.
It’s during practice and Ryan’s feeling shitty. He has a blocked up nose and he knows he
sounds awful and it’s only when his voice cracks for the fiftieth time that Brendon tentatively asks, “Do you want me to sing for this practice? You know you can start again when you feel better and all…”
Ryan gives a poorly concealed sigh of relief in Brendon’s general direction and runs his hands along the walls until he finds the beanbag and plops down on it, figuring that at least at this practice he can be excused. He’s got a mammoth headache and the painkillers aren’t working yet and he just generally feels miserable.
“Shoot,” he says and slumps down in a heap of unhappiness.
Spencer counts them in and then Brendon opens his mouth and suddenly Ryan doesn’t give a shit that he has the headache from hell, he needs to hear what’s coming out of that boy’s mouth. Spencer stops drumming out of total surprise, which makes Brent stop and then Brendon shuts his mouth and says uncomfortably “What? Guys I know I'm not great, but seriously.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Ryan says reverently. “Not great? Shit, you're fucking amazing!” Ryan hears Spencer agree with him with almost as much enthusiasm as Ryan feels.
Ryan thinks that if he tried hard enough, he could see Brendon’s smile.
*
“Ryan. Ryan, holy shit. Holy motherfucking shit.”
Ryan tilts his head up so that he’s facing Spencer’s general direction. Spencer is checking Ryan’s email, something that is habitual since Ryan decided that LiveJournal was his new best friend. “What?”
“You know how you sent that download link for our demos to Pete Wentz? Holy shit, he’s seen it and he wants to fly out and meet us. Fucking hell.”
Ryan jerks, his whole body flinching in surprise. Pete Wentz is only like, his idol.
“Spencer, are you fucking with me?” he asks, flipping his legs over the side of the bed and making his way over to his computer.
“No. No, I’m really not.” Spencer sounds choked.
Ryan reaches out for Spencer’s hand and the younger boy grabs it and pulls him into a crushing hug, laughing and shrieking like a thirteen-year-old girl.
Ryan pretends that he doesn’t notice the way his breath hitches when Spencer’s breath ghosts over his lips.
*
Pete Wentz coming to Las Vegas is an extremely stressful time for the band, what with both Brent and Spencer not being able to make it, ducking out the day before.
“Please, Spence,” Ryan had begged, but Spencer had just sounded completely miserable and apologetic as if he had just killed someone’s kitten accidentally before leaving Ryan with bitten nails and a fuck load of worry.
Brendon opens the door to Ryan’s house, trying desperately hard not to squeal at the sight of motherfucking Pete Wentz, and invites him in. Ryan had decided earlier that he was going to sit down, so he wouldn’t bump into anything accidentally (such as Pete himself) and make a huge ass of himself.
“Hi, I'm Brendon Urie and I'm the lead singer!” Ryan hears Brendon say excitedly, and then he can hear Pete chatter happily back at Brendon. The younger boy is in his element. Ryan curls his palm even tighter, so that the chewed stumps of his nails are digging into his hand.
“And this is Ryan, he writes all the lyrics and plays guitar,” he hears Brendon say and he tilts his face up in the general direction of Brendon’s voice.
“Oh hi! Pleased to meet you. I'm Pete.”
“Ryan,” he says back.
There’s an awkward moment.
“Oh!” Brendon says, slightly uncomfortably. “Yeah, he can't shake your hand, dude. Um, he’s blind.”
Ryan tenses.
“Huh,” Pete breathes out. There’s a slight pause and nobody knows what to do. “How d’you write lyrics then?”
Ryan allows himself to relax a little and then says, “Well, I mainly use a computer, but I taught myself to write normally when I was eleven, so…” he trails off, not sure what else to say. What else is there to say? He’s blind, they’ve gone over that.
Pete makes an impressed noise. “Great. That’s totally cool. Where’s the rest of the band?”
Brendon huffs and says, “I'm so sorry, but they couldn’t make it. But we can totally do an acoustic set? And you’ve heard our demos, right?”
Pete gives them the papers to sign roughly two hours later.
Brendon helps Ryan find the dotted line on the page so he can sign his name.
*
When Ginger Smith finds out that her babies (yes, she counts Ryan as one of hers) got signed, she literally bursts into tears. Her son wraps an awkward arm around her and holds her close; Ryan can tell by the way Spencer murmurs little sentences of mixed delight and caution.
When Mrs. Smith has finally gotten her act together, she demands that Spencer finishes school first, and Ryan totally agrees with that. Then, at least, they have four months to get their shit together and manage to write an entire album.
An album. A whole CD and case and music and lyrics that’s completely and utterly theirs.
He likes the sound of that.
*
Ryan drops out of college, much to his father’s disgust. He doesn’t care if his son is disabled anymore, he tells Ryan to pack up his shit and leave before he punches him. Ryan shows up at Spencer’s house with nothing but a suitcase full of clothes, his journal, laptop, and guitar.
Spencer says nothing, just guides him inside and lets Ryan cry on his shoulder, holding him so tightly it's as if he lets go, Ryan will fall and smash to pieces right before his very eyes.
Ryan doesn’t care, he just holds on tighter and breathes in Spencer’s scent, slowly realising that he would die if he ever let this go.
*
Spencer graduating is emotional for both Ryan and Spencer’s parents, because suddenly Ryan realises that the boy who first taught him to build a sandcastle at age five has grown up and he is talented and beautiful and has a beautiful personality and Ryan adores him.
Ryan might have a little (huge, colossal, all encompassing) crush on his best friend, it’s true.
For the blind boy’s sake, Spencer doesn’t go to the after party, claiming that he didn’t really like his class anyway. (Ryan knows he isn’t going because of him, and that if Ryan went to the party, Spencer would too. Ryan doesn’t go to parties because they disorient him beyond belief, and a drunk blind person isn’t the best thing to be) Instead, the whole family goes to dinner, with Brendon included.
Brendon had graduated the day before, the only people showing up to support him was Ryan, Spencer and Spencer’s mom.
The dinner is a celebration for the two boys and Ryan couldn’t be more proud. When Brendon asks what he has on his cheek, Ryan just wipes the tear away and claims it to be dirt.
From Brendon’s tone of voice when he replies with a drawn out “Suuure,” Ryan knows he isn’t convinced. Then Ginger asks Brendon, “So Brendon, excited about finishing school finally?” which lets Ryan off the hook, thankfully.
At the dinner, Spencer makes sure that Ryan is sitting next to him, and the two joke and eat and laugh, happiness intensified by the fact that next week they’ll be in Maryland, starting on their album.
In the months that Ryan has been staying at Spencer’s he’s listened to a lot of films for inspiration and he has enough lyrics to probably span over two full length albums, but he isn’t going to use all of them.
He’s also pretty sure a couple of songs are soppy unrequited love ballads to his best friend, and he sure as hell is never going to let them see the light of day.
*
Recording isn’t all it's cracked up to be.
It’s clear, within four days of recording, that Brent isn’t keeping up with the rest of the band. Ryan is stressed and het up and even Spencer’s comforting hugs and relaxing smell isn’t really helping him. Plus, the guys at the studio weren’t notified of Ryan’s blindness and Ryan has tripped over more thoughtlessly discarded items than he would like to count. Brendon isn’t singing exactly how Ryan wants, and Ryan is able to tell when it is perfect because he knows he listens more than the others do, okay? All it means is Brendon getting into arguments with Ryan about how one person can only sing something exactly the same way so many times, and what’s up with your stupid fucking long lyrics anyway?
Spencer is the first to finish, gets all of his drum parts down flawlessly. Ryan is glad that at least one person isn’t causing a hassle. Spencer is his rock, and Ryan needs that unconditional stability right now.
Brent declares “fuck this,” and storms out of the recording room one session, even after they had simplified the bass part so much, it wouldn’t work if they cut it back anymore. Ryan stares in the general direction of the door that Brent just exited, and wonders what the fuck they are gonna do when it comes to touring.
Suddenly, the bass starts to play again, and Ryan realizes Brendon must have entered the room and is now playing Brent’s parts, all of it, not even the simplified version.
He doesn’t know what to do about the future when they have to play live, but Ryan knows right then that he has to be nicer to Brendon about his singing, because he is helping the band so, so much more than he is hindering it.
That night when the four are settling down for sleep, Ryan crosses the room to Brendon’s bunk and reaches out for the other boy, who gives him his hand.
“I'm sorry for being a shit,” he says softly. “You deserve so much more praise than what I'm giving you right now.”
Brendon mumbles a "thank you" and sits up, engulfing him in a hug. Ryan returns it gladly, clinging onto the younger boy.
When Ryan gets back to his bunk, Spencer leans down from above him and whispers, “Well done, Ry, I'm proud of you. You needed to say that.”
Ryan feels a flash of heat and happiness, and he wishes, not for the first time, that he wasn’t so stupidly and idiotically in love with his best friend.
*
He has never wanted to finish something so badly in his life, but when they finally finish the record, Ryan feels strangely nostalgic. He’s poured his heart and soul and fucking life into the making of that.
When Mr. Producer (as Brendon laughingly calls him) tells them that they’ve finished, Spencer wraps up Ryan in a hug and presses an ecstatic and slightly sloppy kiss onto Ryan’s cheek, just at the corner of his mouth. Ryan freezes, they haven’t really done such a thing before, but he shrugs it off as it being a post album high. There’s still all the mixing that needs to be done, but they won't have long until they’re going to be playing as a real band in front of audiences. It's scary and exhilarating, and to be honest, Ryan cannot wait.
Brendon is possibly even more hyperactive than normal, a feat Ryan didn’t even know existed. He is running around yelling happily and packing his things up and sounding happier than he has in months- he hasn’t been this happy since his parents kicked him out. Ryan knows that this is what Brendon has been looking forward to since forever; the two of them aren’t really that different.
Ryan sits curled up in his bunk and listens to Brendon humming and thinks that he is so glad that the two of them are friends.
Since the almost-kiss as Ryan likes to call it, he feels like he needs to get away from Spencer. He’s spent almost every hour for the last five weeks in the same room as him and he needs to just calm down and get Spencer out of his system. Which is why when they arrive back in Vegas Ryan asks if he can stay at Brendon’s apartment just for the night. He knows that they are all giving him weird looks; he doesn’t have to see to know that.
“Sure,” Brendon agrees.
“Thanks,” he replies.
*
That night Ryan spills all of his guts to Brendon, letting the boy hold him as he lets out every little thing that he thinks he has kept in him for the past two fucking years or whatever. Brendon attaches his arms around Ryan and listens to him without speaking once.
“It’s just… He’s all I think about, all the fucking time and I know that it's soppy and shitty but I just want him so much,” he sobs into Brendon’s shoulder. “I love him B, I love him.”
Brendon is quiet for a long moment before he says. “Spencer loves you too, you know that, right?”
Ryan nods, but clings closer. “He does, I know he does, but he doesn’t love me in the same way.”
The boy reaches up to stroke Ryan’s hair. “Jus- just go with your instincts. I think you're wrong- I think he does love you, in the same way as you love him. You just need to tell him. He can't do anything if he doesn’t know, can he? I've seen how you two are together. You're like a married couple already,” he says fondly.
It’s a scary thought, telling someone that you’ve loved them since practically forever, and you’ve only just got your head out of your ass to realise. But Ryan wants Spencer; loves him so damn much, and he can't just settle for being friends. He’d fall apart if that’s all they were.
*
When Ryan breaks it to Spencer, the next day, after Ryan drags the younger boy to the park, Spencer just laughs and pulls at Ryan’s hand.
“How could you not have noticed?” He says fondly. “You're it, Ry, you always have been. I was always just waiting for you to realize.”
And when Spencer kisses him, finally kisses him, Ryan’s mind whites out and bursts into a kaleidoscope of colour at the same time and when sense returns all he can think is: fuck the album, this is the happiest I’ve ever been.
*
A year later, the album’s gone platinum and Panic! are making their way in the world. So much has happened; Brent’s left, Jon has arrived, they have won awards, but still some things remain constant. An interviewer asks Ryan one time, “It must be hard being blind and being in a band. How do you do it?”
Ryan answers as honestly as he can.
“It's difficult, it really is sometimes. It's frustrating and sometimes I hate it. But at the same time I have so much support and my disability doesn’t make me who I am. It never has. I am my own person, you know? It’s a part of me, sure, it always will be, but as long as there are people who I love who can look beyond it and see who I really am, I'm happy.”
A familiar hand tightens round his, and Ryan can picture, just for a second, Spencer’s smile.
It's the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.
Author: fearsgottahold
Rating: PG
Pairing: Ryan/Spencer
POV: Ryan's
Summary: Ryan's always been blind and he always will be.
Disclaimer: totally not true
Beta: ericasaur
Author Notes: Hi there! this standalone was supposed to be Ryden, and then it sort of wasn't. I hope you guys enjoy it!
“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.” William Shakespeare.
Ryan has always been blind. When he was little he didn’t understand why he couldn’t see anything, when everyone managed to get around just fine. When he was little, he didn’t understand how he was different. He just thought that everyone couldn’t see.
Sometimes, you have to grow up.
Ryan contracted retrolental fibroplasia due to being born prematurely, but the doctors didn’t notice until it was too late. He learned to deal with it, because there wasn’t really anything else he could do. He knows that maybe he will never live the life that he wishes to live, but he tries to do the best he can given the circumstances. Most people don’t really understand what he goes through day in, day out; and it’s the seemingly endless amount of sympathy that gets to him. He’s lived with it forever; he doesn’t know anything different. He can deal with it.
*
Spencer is his first and only friend, who showed up in the sand pit one day whilst Ryan was playing at the park.
“Build a sand castle with me,” the chubby boy had ordered, and Ryan didn’t really know how to decline.
When Spencer worked out that Ryan couldn’t actually see what he was doing, or that he couldn’t work out what a sand castle actually looked like, he just went “humph,” and then proceeded to take Ryan’s hands and shape a sand castle with them instead. Ryan had revelled in the idea that although he couldn’t exactly see what he was doing, he could feel it and Spencer’s startled exclamations that it looked perfect was more than enough for Ryan. They’ve been best friends ever since.
*
Ryan decides that he wants to learn how to play guitar one day when he’s sitting alone in his bedroom listening to music. He decides that even though it will be harder for him to learn to play, since he can't look at the strings, he wants to be able to do something with his life that is challenging but rewarding. He goes ahead and buys one with Spencer two days later.
Learning to play is even harder than Ryan expects, and he had always known that it would be difficult. Every time he hears another jarred chord he winces and clenches his fists, trying to calm himself down before beginning again. Spencer decides to make him feel better by starting something new himself, and after much wheedling and pressuring, his own parents buy him a drum kit for Christmas. While Ryan still struggles willfully on his own, Spencer decides to get a drum tutor, and by the time it gets to June he’s getting pretty good. It’s strange how it works out, because beforehand Spencer had never even thought of playing drums, but now that he does it’s like he has discovered a hidden talent. It works for him, and it works for Ryan, who likes to be there sometimes when Spencer plays, so he can feel the vibrations travelling through his body.
Ryan finally masters how to play his first song ten months after he began playing. Ginger, Spencer’s mom, says that considering he’s blind, doing such a thing at age thirteen is pretty impressive. Ryan tries to take it as a compliment.
After Ryan works out how to play after months of listening to YouTube tutorials over and over, he finds it pretty simple how to play other songs, and suddenly there’s a whole new world stretching out in front of him. He’s no longer limited by what he can't do, rather he has so many opportunities for the things he can. It becomes clear to him that this is something Ryan wants to do all the time, and fuck anyone who says that he isn’t allowed to because of some shitty disability that he’s had since birth.
He’s even started to write like a normal person, instead of using Braille, which would be easier but then Spencer couldn’t read it. Ryan has begun to write lyrics, because there is so much in his head that he can't get out any other way. Spencer says his lyrics are awesome, although Ryan isn’t sure if he’s just saying that to humour him.
One night, he’s round Spencer’s, flopped out on the bed. Ryan is pretty glad that Spencer is a compulsive neat freak; otherwise collapsing on his bed would be seriously uncomfortable if there was a book or something on there when he decides to jump on there.
Ryan secretly thinks that Spencer just keeps his room tidy especially for him.
They are watching a film on the television. Well, Spencer is watching the film and Ryan is making fun of the main male actor’s hideous American accent.
“I mean,” he sputters, sitting up so he can hear it better. “What is that? He sounds like a half-dead cat with a Mexican accent!”
Spencer snorts. “Yeah, he looks like a half-dead Mexican cat too.”
Ryan has no idea what a cat looks like, or indeed a Mexican, but from Spencer’s choking giggles, he believes it must be an amusing sight.
When the film finishes, Ryan slides back so his back is pressed against the cool wall. He pats the duvet next to him and Spencer slides up from his place on the floor until he is sitting where Ryan asked him to. Their hands unconsciously link together.
They always say that when one sense is impaired, it makes the others so much more intense. Ryan thoroughly agrees with this as he nuzzles his head into Spencer’s collarbone and inhales the heady scent. Spencer smells like teenage boy; sweat, fabric softener and something that can only be described as Spencer. Ryan would never admit this to the younger boy but he loves it. It makes him feel safe.
“Spencer?” He asks, turning his face upwards in the general direction of his friend’s. The boy in question hums quizzically to show he is paying attention.
“I want to make a band, Spence. I want to be in a band and I want to be famous. I want to make it. Will you be in a band with me?”
Spencer shifts and Ryan imagines that Spencer is looking at him incredulously. Ryan wishes that he knew what the colour blue looked like, so he could imagine Spencer’s eyes in more detail. He’d bet they are beautiful.
“Of course, Ryan,” he replies. “I wouldn’t think of doing anything else.”
*
It's another two years before they actually do anything about the band. Sure, they play together and they have a fucking good time, but they don’t actually bring up the idea of them both playing and performing and living. But Ryan doesn’t forget the idea. So one afternoon, much like when he first brought up the subject of being in a band, he breaches the idea once again.
“We need a bassist for our band, Spence.”
Spencer stirs, his hand tightening unconsciously on Ryan’s knee. Ryan can picture a confused look on Spencer’s face. “Uhh, sure,” Spencer says slowly. “But how are we supposed to find said bassist?”
One week later, the notices go up around the school.
Two days after that Brent texts Spencer about being in their band.
“Hey. Hey Ryan. You know Brent? Brent, the one who I told you looks a bit like a monkey? He wants to try out and be our bassist.”
Ryan sits up, unplugging his headphones from the audio book he was listening to.
“Seriously?!” he says happily. “That’s awesome!”
Four days after that, Brent’s in the band.
*
Ryan has always prided himself on the fact that although he cannot see, he was made to be a musician. Brent is impressed with Ryan’s lyrics, (dude, you wrote these? You can't even see and you can write! That’s so awesome!) and when Ryan decides on the band name, the others agree and go with it. His disability doesn’t shape who he is. He is his own person. He wants people to remember him for the words he writes and sings and the notes he plays; not for the fact that he can't fucking see.
It takes another two months of writing and practising until Ryan says to Brent and Spencer one session that they need another guitarist. Ryan is tuning his guitar and when they both fall silent he looks up in their general direction.
“What?” he says. “Look, I know that I want to do this, but guys, I seriously can't sing and play at the same time. I mean, half my concentration is gonna be on trying not to fall over leads and shit so you can't expect me to be able to concentrate on three things at once.”
Just to prove his point, as he makes his way to where he is sure Spencer is sitting he trips over Spencer’s snare drum and ends up spraining his wrist.
*
To be honest, Trevor fucking sucks as a guitarist. His knowledge on anything other than the most basic of chords sucks, and when he tries to bar them a hideous buzzing noise ensues. They get through about fifteen practices filled with winces and controlled facial expressions before Brent breaks the news to Trevor that he isn’t what they’re looking for. He isn’t pleased, to say the least, but Ryan knew that Trevor was just gonna drag the band down if he stayed.
Now they have the same problem all over again. Ryan can't sing and play, and his pride takes a little hit every time he admits it. But he can't. Ryan doesn’t really know what to do at all about their situation until Brent says, “Hey, actually, I might know a guy who can help us.”
Brendon isn’t like anything Ryan thought he would be. Beforehand, Brent had warned him that the boy was really kind of hyper but Ryan didn’t totally realise how much. The boy seems to be actually giving off waves of hyperactive energy, and Ryan finds that he doesn’t even mind it that much. It's comforting in the way that Spencer’s smell is to him, or the feel of the guitar strings on the roughened pads of his fingers. To Ryan, this Brendon kid is a god-send.
“Hi! I'm Brendon!” the boy says, and then there is an obvious awkward pause where Brendon must have stuck his hand out in front of Ryan, but of course, he’s unable to see it.
“Hi, I'm Ryan, and I'm blind.” He hates how that sentence is everything he is.
Slightly to the right of him he can hear Spencer hiss at Brent, “You didn’t tell him?!”
Brendon doesn’t appear to care. “Oh really? I had a dog once that was blind in one eye. It was kinda funny because you could sneak up on that side and scare the crap out of him. It amused me. Not that I would do that to you, dude!”
Ryan decides he likes Brendon immediately.
*
Then he finds out Brendon can sing.
It’s during practice and Ryan’s feeling shitty. He has a blocked up nose and he knows he
sounds awful and it’s only when his voice cracks for the fiftieth time that Brendon tentatively asks, “Do you want me to sing for this practice? You know you can start again when you feel better and all…”
Ryan gives a poorly concealed sigh of relief in Brendon’s general direction and runs his hands along the walls until he finds the beanbag and plops down on it, figuring that at least at this practice he can be excused. He’s got a mammoth headache and the painkillers aren’t working yet and he just generally feels miserable.
“Shoot,” he says and slumps down in a heap of unhappiness.
Spencer counts them in and then Brendon opens his mouth and suddenly Ryan doesn’t give a shit that he has the headache from hell, he needs to hear what’s coming out of that boy’s mouth. Spencer stops drumming out of total surprise, which makes Brent stop and then Brendon shuts his mouth and says uncomfortably “What? Guys I know I'm not great, but seriously.”
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Ryan says reverently. “Not great? Shit, you're fucking amazing!” Ryan hears Spencer agree with him with almost as much enthusiasm as Ryan feels.
Ryan thinks that if he tried hard enough, he could see Brendon’s smile.
*
“Ryan. Ryan, holy shit. Holy motherfucking shit.”
Ryan tilts his head up so that he’s facing Spencer’s general direction. Spencer is checking Ryan’s email, something that is habitual since Ryan decided that LiveJournal was his new best friend. “What?”
“You know how you sent that download link for our demos to Pete Wentz? Holy shit, he’s seen it and he wants to fly out and meet us. Fucking hell.”
Ryan jerks, his whole body flinching in surprise. Pete Wentz is only like, his idol.
“Spencer, are you fucking with me?” he asks, flipping his legs over the side of the bed and making his way over to his computer.
“No. No, I’m really not.” Spencer sounds choked.
Ryan reaches out for Spencer’s hand and the younger boy grabs it and pulls him into a crushing hug, laughing and shrieking like a thirteen-year-old girl.
Ryan pretends that he doesn’t notice the way his breath hitches when Spencer’s breath ghosts over his lips.
*
Pete Wentz coming to Las Vegas is an extremely stressful time for the band, what with both Brent and Spencer not being able to make it, ducking out the day before.
“Please, Spence,” Ryan had begged, but Spencer had just sounded completely miserable and apologetic as if he had just killed someone’s kitten accidentally before leaving Ryan with bitten nails and a fuck load of worry.
Brendon opens the door to Ryan’s house, trying desperately hard not to squeal at the sight of motherfucking Pete Wentz, and invites him in. Ryan had decided earlier that he was going to sit down, so he wouldn’t bump into anything accidentally (such as Pete himself) and make a huge ass of himself.
“Hi, I'm Brendon Urie and I'm the lead singer!” Ryan hears Brendon say excitedly, and then he can hear Pete chatter happily back at Brendon. The younger boy is in his element. Ryan curls his palm even tighter, so that the chewed stumps of his nails are digging into his hand.
“And this is Ryan, he writes all the lyrics and plays guitar,” he hears Brendon say and he tilts his face up in the general direction of Brendon’s voice.
“Oh hi! Pleased to meet you. I'm Pete.”
“Ryan,” he says back.
There’s an awkward moment.
“Oh!” Brendon says, slightly uncomfortably. “Yeah, he can't shake your hand, dude. Um, he’s blind.”
Ryan tenses.
“Huh,” Pete breathes out. There’s a slight pause and nobody knows what to do. “How d’you write lyrics then?”
Ryan allows himself to relax a little and then says, “Well, I mainly use a computer, but I taught myself to write normally when I was eleven, so…” he trails off, not sure what else to say. What else is there to say? He’s blind, they’ve gone over that.
Pete makes an impressed noise. “Great. That’s totally cool. Where’s the rest of the band?”
Brendon huffs and says, “I'm so sorry, but they couldn’t make it. But we can totally do an acoustic set? And you’ve heard our demos, right?”
Pete gives them the papers to sign roughly two hours later.
Brendon helps Ryan find the dotted line on the page so he can sign his name.
*
When Ginger Smith finds out that her babies (yes, she counts Ryan as one of hers) got signed, she literally bursts into tears. Her son wraps an awkward arm around her and holds her close; Ryan can tell by the way Spencer murmurs little sentences of mixed delight and caution.
When Mrs. Smith has finally gotten her act together, she demands that Spencer finishes school first, and Ryan totally agrees with that. Then, at least, they have four months to get their shit together and manage to write an entire album.
An album. A whole CD and case and music and lyrics that’s completely and utterly theirs.
He likes the sound of that.
*
Ryan drops out of college, much to his father’s disgust. He doesn’t care if his son is disabled anymore, he tells Ryan to pack up his shit and leave before he punches him. Ryan shows up at Spencer’s house with nothing but a suitcase full of clothes, his journal, laptop, and guitar.
Spencer says nothing, just guides him inside and lets Ryan cry on his shoulder, holding him so tightly it's as if he lets go, Ryan will fall and smash to pieces right before his very eyes.
Ryan doesn’t care, he just holds on tighter and breathes in Spencer’s scent, slowly realising that he would die if he ever let this go.
*
Spencer graduating is emotional for both Ryan and Spencer’s parents, because suddenly Ryan realises that the boy who first taught him to build a sandcastle at age five has grown up and he is talented and beautiful and has a beautiful personality and Ryan adores him.
Ryan might have a little (huge, colossal, all encompassing) crush on his best friend, it’s true.
For the blind boy’s sake, Spencer doesn’t go to the after party, claiming that he didn’t really like his class anyway. (Ryan knows he isn’t going because of him, and that if Ryan went to the party, Spencer would too. Ryan doesn’t go to parties because they disorient him beyond belief, and a drunk blind person isn’t the best thing to be) Instead, the whole family goes to dinner, with Brendon included.
Brendon had graduated the day before, the only people showing up to support him was Ryan, Spencer and Spencer’s mom.
The dinner is a celebration for the two boys and Ryan couldn’t be more proud. When Brendon asks what he has on his cheek, Ryan just wipes the tear away and claims it to be dirt.
From Brendon’s tone of voice when he replies with a drawn out “Suuure,” Ryan knows he isn’t convinced. Then Ginger asks Brendon, “So Brendon, excited about finishing school finally?” which lets Ryan off the hook, thankfully.
At the dinner, Spencer makes sure that Ryan is sitting next to him, and the two joke and eat and laugh, happiness intensified by the fact that next week they’ll be in Maryland, starting on their album.
In the months that Ryan has been staying at Spencer’s he’s listened to a lot of films for inspiration and he has enough lyrics to probably span over two full length albums, but he isn’t going to use all of them.
He’s also pretty sure a couple of songs are soppy unrequited love ballads to his best friend, and he sure as hell is never going to let them see the light of day.
*
Recording isn’t all it's cracked up to be.
It’s clear, within four days of recording, that Brent isn’t keeping up with the rest of the band. Ryan is stressed and het up and even Spencer’s comforting hugs and relaxing smell isn’t really helping him. Plus, the guys at the studio weren’t notified of Ryan’s blindness and Ryan has tripped over more thoughtlessly discarded items than he would like to count. Brendon isn’t singing exactly how Ryan wants, and Ryan is able to tell when it is perfect because he knows he listens more than the others do, okay? All it means is Brendon getting into arguments with Ryan about how one person can only sing something exactly the same way so many times, and what’s up with your stupid fucking long lyrics anyway?
Spencer is the first to finish, gets all of his drum parts down flawlessly. Ryan is glad that at least one person isn’t causing a hassle. Spencer is his rock, and Ryan needs that unconditional stability right now.
Brent declares “fuck this,” and storms out of the recording room one session, even after they had simplified the bass part so much, it wouldn’t work if they cut it back anymore. Ryan stares in the general direction of the door that Brent just exited, and wonders what the fuck they are gonna do when it comes to touring.
Suddenly, the bass starts to play again, and Ryan realizes Brendon must have entered the room and is now playing Brent’s parts, all of it, not even the simplified version.
He doesn’t know what to do about the future when they have to play live, but Ryan knows right then that he has to be nicer to Brendon about his singing, because he is helping the band so, so much more than he is hindering it.
That night when the four are settling down for sleep, Ryan crosses the room to Brendon’s bunk and reaches out for the other boy, who gives him his hand.
“I'm sorry for being a shit,” he says softly. “You deserve so much more praise than what I'm giving you right now.”
Brendon mumbles a "thank you" and sits up, engulfing him in a hug. Ryan returns it gladly, clinging onto the younger boy.
When Ryan gets back to his bunk, Spencer leans down from above him and whispers, “Well done, Ry, I'm proud of you. You needed to say that.”
Ryan feels a flash of heat and happiness, and he wishes, not for the first time, that he wasn’t so stupidly and idiotically in love with his best friend.
*
He has never wanted to finish something so badly in his life, but when they finally finish the record, Ryan feels strangely nostalgic. He’s poured his heart and soul and fucking life into the making of that.
When Mr. Producer (as Brendon laughingly calls him) tells them that they’ve finished, Spencer wraps up Ryan in a hug and presses an ecstatic and slightly sloppy kiss onto Ryan’s cheek, just at the corner of his mouth. Ryan freezes, they haven’t really done such a thing before, but he shrugs it off as it being a post album high. There’s still all the mixing that needs to be done, but they won't have long until they’re going to be playing as a real band in front of audiences. It's scary and exhilarating, and to be honest, Ryan cannot wait.
Brendon is possibly even more hyperactive than normal, a feat Ryan didn’t even know existed. He is running around yelling happily and packing his things up and sounding happier than he has in months- he hasn’t been this happy since his parents kicked him out. Ryan knows that this is what Brendon has been looking forward to since forever; the two of them aren’t really that different.
Ryan sits curled up in his bunk and listens to Brendon humming and thinks that he is so glad that the two of them are friends.
Since the almost-kiss as Ryan likes to call it, he feels like he needs to get away from Spencer. He’s spent almost every hour for the last five weeks in the same room as him and he needs to just calm down and get Spencer out of his system. Which is why when they arrive back in Vegas Ryan asks if he can stay at Brendon’s apartment just for the night. He knows that they are all giving him weird looks; he doesn’t have to see to know that.
“Sure,” Brendon agrees.
“Thanks,” he replies.
*
That night Ryan spills all of his guts to Brendon, letting the boy hold him as he lets out every little thing that he thinks he has kept in him for the past two fucking years or whatever. Brendon attaches his arms around Ryan and listens to him without speaking once.
“It’s just… He’s all I think about, all the fucking time and I know that it's soppy and shitty but I just want him so much,” he sobs into Brendon’s shoulder. “I love him B, I love him.”
Brendon is quiet for a long moment before he says. “Spencer loves you too, you know that, right?”
Ryan nods, but clings closer. “He does, I know he does, but he doesn’t love me in the same way.”
The boy reaches up to stroke Ryan’s hair. “Jus- just go with your instincts. I think you're wrong- I think he does love you, in the same way as you love him. You just need to tell him. He can't do anything if he doesn’t know, can he? I've seen how you two are together. You're like a married couple already,” he says fondly.
It’s a scary thought, telling someone that you’ve loved them since practically forever, and you’ve only just got your head out of your ass to realise. But Ryan wants Spencer; loves him so damn much, and he can't just settle for being friends. He’d fall apart if that’s all they were.
*
When Ryan breaks it to Spencer, the next day, after Ryan drags the younger boy to the park, Spencer just laughs and pulls at Ryan’s hand.
“How could you not have noticed?” He says fondly. “You're it, Ry, you always have been. I was always just waiting for you to realize.”
And when Spencer kisses him, finally kisses him, Ryan’s mind whites out and bursts into a kaleidoscope of colour at the same time and when sense returns all he can think is: fuck the album, this is the happiest I’ve ever been.
*
A year later, the album’s gone platinum and Panic! are making their way in the world. So much has happened; Brent’s left, Jon has arrived, they have won awards, but still some things remain constant. An interviewer asks Ryan one time, “It must be hard being blind and being in a band. How do you do it?”
Ryan answers as honestly as he can.
“It's difficult, it really is sometimes. It's frustrating and sometimes I hate it. But at the same time I have so much support and my disability doesn’t make me who I am. It never has. I am my own person, you know? It’s a part of me, sure, it always will be, but as long as there are people who I love who can look beyond it and see who I really am, I'm happy.”
A familiar hand tightens round his, and Ryan can picture, just for a second, Spencer’s smile.
It's the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.