Random Ramblings Other Than Those About Lake George
Life is good.
I can't believe how soon college starts. What do you mean I'm going into college? I'm entering 6th grade right now. At this point it just feels so surreal. Throughout most of the summer I was really excited about leaving for college--it seemed like an amazing adventure right around the corner. A chance to start life over again, fill in the blank slate. A chance to do amazing things I've never had the opportunity to do before. However, a couple weeks ago I started to grow a second side to this. This summer was amazing. Despite no TIP or YSP or anything of the like (this is my first summer since 6th grade with no summer program of any sort) this very likely may be the best summer I have had. I think I have mentioned this before. And I also mentioned that this perception is likely due to the recency effect. However, I have grown a lot closer to my friends this summer. All of a sudden I feel more comfortable around them than I did during high school. We have actually been hanging out a lot, and now it is almost like they are my second family. I mean, I suppose we were all fairly close throughout all of high school, but never this close. It's a pity that we couldn't be like this earlier. Figures that I feel best around them right before we'll have to leave. This is why I started to feel torn a couple weeks ago. The unwillingness to leave my newfound second family of sorts rose next to my eagerness to enter college. Half of me wanted the summer to never end and the other half wanted it to end right away. But now that people are leaving...it just feels so surreal. This isn't really happening. Not yet. We're not about to part ways yet. I didn't just see Melissa for the last time till December. There's not enough summer left, now. I want to hang out with all of my friends as much as I can before we leave and there isn't enough time to do so. Tyler and I hung out for the last time today. We were close friends since kindergarten--maybe even before--and now we're both entering colleges. We'll have a whole country between us. I feel bad that I missed AJ's Goodbye Party--it was while I was at Lake George--but then I had a going to college (+ Jared) party last night to make up for it, and I'm glad I did. I guess it's the last time I'll ever be with all of these friends at once. Maybe not. There will still be breaks, we will all be down during Winter Break and Summer Break. My Spring Break doesn't line up with anyone's, though.
Alex K already left to UF. Saw him last night for the last time. He headed up today.
Tyler's leaving to UCF tomorrow morning.
Melissa's also going to UCF then. I won't see either of them again.
JEmily is going to UM early afternoon tomorrow. I will hopefully visit her at noon tomorrow to say goodbye. But she may come back again before she goes back for good.
Keisha's leaving to Rice Friday morning. Might see her at some point tomorrow, but I don't know.
Robert leaves for UCF Saturday morning.
Jen L leaves for UF Saturday morning, too. Friday will be my last chance to hang out with her and Robert.
Nanki's going to UM soon, too. Possibly Friday, maybe she's already gone. I can't remember when she said we leaves, but we may not get a chance to hang out. Haven't seen her since the beginning of the summer, though, since she's bee in India.
Meagan's leaving Sunday, I think. Sunday or Saturday. I asked her about 10 times tonight, and I still can't remember. I'm sure I'll see her one more time, though. Hopefully.
HEmily and Liang both leave after me. We WILL hang out before I leave, no question about that. Most likely tomorrow.
I know I'm missing people, but at the moment I can't think of every single person. I will hang out with Prem before I leave, too. I will try to spend some time with all of my underclassmen friends. I don't know if things will work out with certain underclassmen friends who can never do anything, though *coughJenBcough*. On one hand, it's nice to leave after most of my friends, since I can say goodbye to all of them. But I'm glad some are leaving after me (thanks Emily and Liangst :P) and some aren't leaving at all, since they are either staying local or not going to college (thanks AJ and Jared). I guess it's kind of like ripping off a band-aid to that extent. I'd rather not have to say goodbye to every single one of my friends, one at a time before I go, so I guess it's good that some leave after me. I don't have to sit around my house, knowing everyone is gone. It's like how I hated being the last of my friends to leave summer camp--it was like being stuck in limbo; physically at camp, but without the friends. Yet at the same time I hated being the first one to leave, since I had less time to savor the last moment with my friends. It's the same thing now with going off to college. But instead of leaving camp, we're leaving our previous lives behind. College is still an exciting adventure and I am pumped for it to happen, but I recently had a revelation....
...I'm actually going to miss you guys.
My second year at TIP, Joe, JT, Sara, and I were walking to the dorm and Sara (it was the last year she would ever come, and there were only a couple days left of the term) stopped dead in her tracks. She turned at us and said what I just said, "I just realized. I'm actually going to miss you guys." JT, Joe, and I all laughed. Not because she would miss us, but the way she said it. We pointed out to her how weird it sounds, and she laughed too. It was a "oh, you weren't planning on missing us?" sort of thing, all in good fun. But I never realized exactly how she had been feeling until now. I will actually miss all of you. Wow, that sounds really corny. But it's true. JEmily and I were talking about this earlier today. We had just finished playing an expanding game of Apples to Apples and we were sitting on the couch being emo about having to leave our old lives behind. Why did I have to wait till now to feel so close to these people? I mean, that's not true with all of them. I felt close to a lot of my friends throughout high school, and even before. But I guess now that we've been hanging out more, it just makes it that much harder to leave them. That much more surreal. At least we'll have one last goodbye. For most of them, least. I can't say I'm sad/depressed/upset or anything along those lines, yet. Just...surreal. That's the only word I can think of to describe how life is right now.
There are still things that need to be finished. I kind of don't want them to happen, because they are taking away from the last few moments I could be spending with my friends. I'm tutoring Gavin for the last time tomorrow. Friday will most likely be my last time working at Mathnasium; Corinne and I just have to get through the review module of her online Alg2 class and then take her final, and we'll be done for good. I'm still not done with what I started at FAU. It's not a huge project, probably something the professor, who has background knowledge, can sit down and do on his own in no time flat, but the thing I was going to do, because I wanted to get more lab experience this summer. Maybe I'll email the professor and come in one last time Friday morning. Hopefully I'll get it done then. I've worked on it a bit from home, but it's hard to do much when the connection to the FAU computer system is so slow and unreliable. Bah, unfinished business.
I can't help but worry about how some of my friends will fare, though. Most of my friends I am confident will do wonderfully; if you're reading this you are most likely one of them, since I am fairly certain that the friends I am worried about do not read this. I will not mention their names, for obvious reasons, though. But the particular people I have in mind are not particularly strong people. They've gotten through high school largely in part due to the support of their friends. Their friends would watch out for them. But now, due to a certain rift that has stricken our group, whom I will also not name, I have gotten a glimpse of what will happen to these friends. It's not good. I can warn them. I've warned one, and nothing I said--nothing any of our friends have said, has had any impact and this person has continued the painful spiral down. This does nothing to alleviate my worries for my other friends, the one who is weaker, who I see starting down a rocky path. This friend relied on the other friends in our group the most, and all of a sudden the friend is being thrown out states away from everyone else. I can't help but worry about these friends. I suppose all I can do now is hope that they somehow pull through. There is nothing I can do now. I feel bad; I want to help them out, I want to be there for them. But I can't. I suppose I just have to accept that and move on. It's hard, but I have no choice and I won't have time to worry about things I cannot control.
Oh well, I will just hope next year is amazing for everybody and that I end this summer as best as I can.
I have an audiologist appointment tomorrow morning, I have to get up early for. I don't want to go. I don't want to get up early (it's 2:30 right now, and I have to get up at 8:30). But I also don't want to go to the audiologist. I'm hoping I can just walk in, say hi, and then leave. I'm sick of having hearing problems, I wish I could leave that part of my life behind when I go to college. But I can't. The most I can do is not tell people about it, but I want to avoid making it a secret. It's depressing to think of how I have changed in that respect. I used to not think of my hearing problems as a weakness. It used to be a source of identity; it was something I had pride in. There was never the least bit of self-consciousnesses when I'd hand my teachers my FM system and I was always happy to let people know about it. It was part of who I am. It's still part of who I am--no less so than it ever has. But now it is part of who I am that I have somehow become ashamed of. By talking about it on a public blog, I suppose, is my way of rebelling against this change to shame. As I got older, I found I was more reluctant every year to tell my teachers about my hearing problem and to introduce them to the FM system. I would resist using it as much as possible; I was too embarrassed by it to easily stick it out there for everyone to see. Whatever happened to the pride? Whatever happened to the "this is who I am"? Next year I will try not to use my FM system at all. It has become a crutch, a suppose, but even moreover it has become a crutch I want to hide. I'm hoping I don't need it. I'm hoping I can get along without it. I'm bringing it along with me, just in case, but the part that wants to hide it has already overpowered me, and I have resolved to use it as little as possible. I guess anything that reminds me of the way things used to be, before the 50 million therapies, tends to bring about these feelings. This is why I don't want to go to the audiologist again. It'll remind me of middle school, right before I started therapies, when things were worst. That's why I don't want the crutch. That's why I want to leave my troubled hearing behind. Too bad I can't. I'll just deal with it next year =/.
Anyway, I should probably go to bed since, despite how much I don't want to do so, I need to get up early tomorrow. Good night, all.
I can't believe how soon college starts. What do you mean I'm going into college? I'm entering 6th grade right now. At this point it just feels so surreal. Throughout most of the summer I was really excited about leaving for college--it seemed like an amazing adventure right around the corner. A chance to start life over again, fill in the blank slate. A chance to do amazing things I've never had the opportunity to do before. However, a couple weeks ago I started to grow a second side to this. This summer was amazing. Despite no TIP or YSP or anything of the like (this is my first summer since 6th grade with no summer program of any sort) this very likely may be the best summer I have had. I think I have mentioned this before. And I also mentioned that this perception is likely due to the recency effect. However, I have grown a lot closer to my friends this summer. All of a sudden I feel more comfortable around them than I did during high school. We have actually been hanging out a lot, and now it is almost like they are my second family. I mean, I suppose we were all fairly close throughout all of high school, but never this close. It's a pity that we couldn't be like this earlier. Figures that I feel best around them right before we'll have to leave. This is why I started to feel torn a couple weeks ago. The unwillingness to leave my newfound second family of sorts rose next to my eagerness to enter college. Half of me wanted the summer to never end and the other half wanted it to end right away. But now that people are leaving...it just feels so surreal. This isn't really happening. Not yet. We're not about to part ways yet. I didn't just see Melissa for the last time till December. There's not enough summer left, now. I want to hang out with all of my friends as much as I can before we leave and there isn't enough time to do so. Tyler and I hung out for the last time today. We were close friends since kindergarten--maybe even before--and now we're both entering colleges. We'll have a whole country between us. I feel bad that I missed AJ's Goodbye Party--it was while I was at Lake George--but then I had a going to college (+ Jared) party last night to make up for it, and I'm glad I did. I guess it's the last time I'll ever be with all of these friends at once. Maybe not. There will still be breaks, we will all be down during Winter Break and Summer Break. My Spring Break doesn't line up with anyone's, though.
Alex K already left to UF. Saw him last night for the last time. He headed up today.
Tyler's leaving to UCF tomorrow morning.
Melissa's also going to UCF then. I won't see either of them again.
JEmily is going to UM early afternoon tomorrow. I will hopefully visit her at noon tomorrow to say goodbye. But she may come back again before she goes back for good.
Keisha's leaving to Rice Friday morning. Might see her at some point tomorrow, but I don't know.
Robert leaves for UCF Saturday morning.
Jen L leaves for UF Saturday morning, too. Friday will be my last chance to hang out with her and Robert.
Nanki's going to UM soon, too. Possibly Friday, maybe she's already gone. I can't remember when she said we leaves, but we may not get a chance to hang out. Haven't seen her since the beginning of the summer, though, since she's bee in India.
Meagan's leaving Sunday, I think. Sunday or Saturday. I asked her about 10 times tonight, and I still can't remember. I'm sure I'll see her one more time, though. Hopefully.
HEmily and Liang both leave after me. We WILL hang out before I leave, no question about that. Most likely tomorrow.
I know I'm missing people, but at the moment I can't think of every single person. I will hang out with Prem before I leave, too. I will try to spend some time with all of my underclassmen friends. I don't know if things will work out with certain underclassmen friends who can never do anything, though *coughJenBcough*. On one hand, it's nice to leave after most of my friends, since I can say goodbye to all of them. But I'm glad some are leaving after me (thanks Emily and Liangst :P) and some aren't leaving at all, since they are either staying local or not going to college (thanks AJ and Jared). I guess it's kind of like ripping off a band-aid to that extent. I'd rather not have to say goodbye to every single one of my friends, one at a time before I go, so I guess it's good that some leave after me. I don't have to sit around my house, knowing everyone is gone. It's like how I hated being the last of my friends to leave summer camp--it was like being stuck in limbo; physically at camp, but without the friends. Yet at the same time I hated being the first one to leave, since I had less time to savor the last moment with my friends. It's the same thing now with going off to college. But instead of leaving camp, we're leaving our previous lives behind. College is still an exciting adventure and I am pumped for it to happen, but I recently had a revelation....
...I'm actually going to miss you guys.
My second year at TIP, Joe, JT, Sara, and I were walking to the dorm and Sara (it was the last year she would ever come, and there were only a couple days left of the term) stopped dead in her tracks. She turned at us and said what I just said, "I just realized. I'm actually going to miss you guys." JT, Joe, and I all laughed. Not because she would miss us, but the way she said it. We pointed out to her how weird it sounds, and she laughed too. It was a "oh, you weren't planning on missing us?" sort of thing, all in good fun. But I never realized exactly how she had been feeling until now. I will actually miss all of you. Wow, that sounds really corny. But it's true. JEmily and I were talking about this earlier today. We had just finished playing an expanding game of Apples to Apples and we were sitting on the couch being emo about having to leave our old lives behind. Why did I have to wait till now to feel so close to these people? I mean, that's not true with all of them. I felt close to a lot of my friends throughout high school, and even before. But I guess now that we've been hanging out more, it just makes it that much harder to leave them. That much more surreal. At least we'll have one last goodbye. For most of them, least. I can't say I'm sad/depressed/upset or anything along those lines, yet. Just...surreal. That's the only word I can think of to describe how life is right now.
There are still things that need to be finished. I kind of don't want them to happen, because they are taking away from the last few moments I could be spending with my friends. I'm tutoring Gavin for the last time tomorrow. Friday will most likely be my last time working at Mathnasium; Corinne and I just have to get through the review module of her online Alg2 class and then take her final, and we'll be done for good. I'm still not done with what I started at FAU. It's not a huge project, probably something the professor, who has background knowledge, can sit down and do on his own in no time flat, but the thing I was going to do, because I wanted to get more lab experience this summer. Maybe I'll email the professor and come in one last time Friday morning. Hopefully I'll get it done then. I've worked on it a bit from home, but it's hard to do much when the connection to the FAU computer system is so slow and unreliable. Bah, unfinished business.
I can't help but worry about how some of my friends will fare, though. Most of my friends I am confident will do wonderfully; if you're reading this you are most likely one of them, since I am fairly certain that the friends I am worried about do not read this. I will not mention their names, for obvious reasons, though. But the particular people I have in mind are not particularly strong people. They've gotten through high school largely in part due to the support of their friends. Their friends would watch out for them. But now, due to a certain rift that has stricken our group, whom I will also not name, I have gotten a glimpse of what will happen to these friends. It's not good. I can warn them. I've warned one, and nothing I said--nothing any of our friends have said, has had any impact and this person has continued the painful spiral down. This does nothing to alleviate my worries for my other friends, the one who is weaker, who I see starting down a rocky path. This friend relied on the other friends in our group the most, and all of a sudden the friend is being thrown out states away from everyone else. I can't help but worry about these friends. I suppose all I can do now is hope that they somehow pull through. There is nothing I can do now. I feel bad; I want to help them out, I want to be there for them. But I can't. I suppose I just have to accept that and move on. It's hard, but I have no choice and I won't have time to worry about things I cannot control.
Oh well, I will just hope next year is amazing for everybody and that I end this summer as best as I can.
I have an audiologist appointment tomorrow morning, I have to get up early for. I don't want to go. I don't want to get up early (it's 2:30 right now, and I have to get up at 8:30). But I also don't want to go to the audiologist. I'm hoping I can just walk in, say hi, and then leave. I'm sick of having hearing problems, I wish I could leave that part of my life behind when I go to college. But I can't. The most I can do is not tell people about it, but I want to avoid making it a secret. It's depressing to think of how I have changed in that respect. I used to not think of my hearing problems as a weakness. It used to be a source of identity; it was something I had pride in. There was never the least bit of self-consciousnesses when I'd hand my teachers my FM system and I was always happy to let people know about it. It was part of who I am. It's still part of who I am--no less so than it ever has. But now it is part of who I am that I have somehow become ashamed of. By talking about it on a public blog, I suppose, is my way of rebelling against this change to shame. As I got older, I found I was more reluctant every year to tell my teachers about my hearing problem and to introduce them to the FM system. I would resist using it as much as possible; I was too embarrassed by it to easily stick it out there for everyone to see. Whatever happened to the pride? Whatever happened to the "this is who I am"? Next year I will try not to use my FM system at all. It has become a crutch, a suppose, but even moreover it has become a crutch I want to hide. I'm hoping I don't need it. I'm hoping I can get along without it. I'm bringing it along with me, just in case, but the part that wants to hide it has already overpowered me, and I have resolved to use it as little as possible. I guess anything that reminds me of the way things used to be, before the 50 million therapies, tends to bring about these feelings. This is why I don't want to go to the audiologist again. It'll remind me of middle school, right before I started therapies, when things were worst. That's why I don't want the crutch. That's why I want to leave my troubled hearing behind. Too bad I can't. I'll just deal with it next year =/.
Anyway, I should probably go to bed since, despite how much I don't want to do so, I need to get up early tomorrow. Good night, all.